Hello, piece of the internet that is mine. Is it mine? I thought I wanted it to be God's. Is it God's? What a rambling way to start this post! Maybe it is a reflection of how reluctant I am to start writing again because I am scared this piece is mine and not His. One thing that will never change here, I hope, is my pursuit to be honest and genuine. There is so much I have wanted to write about, but I've been too afraid. Well, one of my resolutions has been to run toward the thing that scares me; so, in this case, I have to write about this.
I have written posts about why I left my previous church here and here. However, no matter how long it's been, their teachings formed me as a person and still guide me to this day. I don't know if I have mentioned this before, but the words from my dear friend Dela still haunt me to this day: "How do you correct your false doctrine? One spoonful at a time." I have found this to be painfully true. No matter how much I want to correct my crooked path, it's going to need time, effort, and focus on one thing at a time. And I guess this is why I haven't written here anymore but why I am doing it today. It is imminently relevant today. I am working as a high school teacher. I volunteer in the youth ministry. I am the mother of girls quickly becoming preteens. I give advice on a daily basis to youngsters all around me on various issues. I better make sure my doctrine is Biblical and sound. To be able to do this, I must recognize what that doctrine is, how it has changed, why it changed, and if it is worthy of spreading it around. And on this post specifically, I want to talk about my dating doctrine.
I am sure many in Christian circles have read the book I Kissed Dating Goodbye and more recently have heard how author Joshua Harris left his faith, denounced the book, and got divorced from his wife. I had even heard the false rumors that he was now gay spread like facts among Christian circles. (He is not.) Well, turns out he did more than that. He made a documentary called I Survived I Kissed Dating Goodbye. Boy, was it a treat! Not only was it refreshing to see him earnestly listen to the critics of his book but to see him actively seeking to understand how his teachings had hurt others. He had been the inadvertent creator of a legalistic purity movement and wanted to be responsible and accountable for what he had created. I will not speak of where Joshua Harris is today in his faith or in his family life. That is between him and God. I know this topic is controversial, and I can already feel the fear creeping back in to stop the post here.
The documentary and critiques brought to mind my personal relationship with the book and the purity movement. I would like to share some of the main ones:
1. It made you feel unclean. "You have a crush on a boy? Unclean! You have a new crush now? Disloyal and unclean! You are spending too much time being friends with your crush? Unclean, temptress, sinner!"
I am pretty sure I've written this story before, but when I fell in love with my now husband I felt so impure I could not have my devotional for months out of sheer shame to come to the Lord in that state! Mind you, I was in my 20s, graduated from college, and had never dated before. It didn't matter. This was the most impure thing I could do! (Understand the sarcasm, please.) It gave you such a judgmental view of any female-male interaction that is pervasive to this day in Christian circles.
2. It gave you a money-back guarantee. "Want to find the love of your life that will guide you into a holy life and holy family? Follow these steps for pure courtship with marriage in mind and you'll get it all! No divorces! No cheating husbands or deadbeats. No spinsters! If you are truly serving God, He has the 'one' for you."
Oh, how I believed this wholeheartedly! Oh, how many Christian girls believed this wholeheartedly and wrestled with God for not giving them their money-back guarantee when their years of service did not produce a husband or it gave them a bad husband.
3. It perpetuated a rape culture and a patriarchy. "If a boy has feelings for you, you caused it. You caused it with the way you dress, the way you smile, the way you talk to him. It is your job how he feels. It is your job to guard his heart. If a man wants to pursue you, he must come to your father first. No way you know what's good for you without your father's consent!"
I remember having this talk with my daughters and the girls from the youth group. "Is wearing a crop top a sin?" My daughter asks. I took the question before the youth group girls. "Do you not wear one to guard your brothers in Christ?" I asked them. When their reply was a convicting "yes", I told them this approach was wrong. "You are not responsible for another's heart. I've dressed like a nun in my youth and still had guys hitting on me." When answering my daughter's original question about crop tops I told her, "If you went to India and saw girls wearing crop tops because that is how they traditionally dress, would you think it is a sin?" I went on to explain that the act in itself is not what matters but your motivation. "Why do you want to wear a crop top?" Isn't that more important? And your answer should never be for someone else's sake. "I dress modestly because I want to honor my God. That is my personal reply," I tell them. When you let yourself be fed the lie that how you acted and how you dress made another male act a certain way, you perpetuate rape culture. It is time for males to be responsible for their own actions and their own hearts. It is time for girls to stop bearing the responsibility, the violence, and the shame of the males' unhinged desires. I don't have time for the patriarchy arc in this post, but you can go to my other links from the beginning to read more on that and my horror stories of grooming.
4. Dating is a sin. "You must only date with the intent of marriage. If marriage is not the goal, dating is frivolous and dangerous. Courtship is the only Christian alternative available to you."
I've struggled with this one. Is it a sin? Is it not? Will I allow my daughters to date? Goodness, just thinking about it makes me sweat. The funny thing about this one is that I thought I would be the one who would be uptight about dating, and my husband would be more chill because I did not date and he did. Well, turns out that knowing what dating entails and being a father to girls gives him a knowledge that scares him, and he has been really strict and uptight about the subject. I did not see this coming at all. But I like seeing him go through this on the other side of the coin. His dad was tough on him, and he resents some of those exchanges. Now, he sees them as necessary and is contemplating his father's approach. I don't have much knowledge because I married my first boyfriend. I know of Christian friends who did not grow up in churches setting all these rules for their dating life, and they still made it to their marriage as virgins.
4. Sexual sins carry more condemnation. "You are like an apple. When you give your heart and body to a boyfriend, he takes a bite. You give him a piece of your heart you will never get back. And then you come to your husband all bitten and incomplete. Is this what you want to present to your husband?"
I shudder at the memory of me sharing this with younger girls. I was taught it. I lived by it. I perpetuated it. I recently learned that someone shared a similar "flower" analogy with my students, saying each romantic encounter took a petal away. A mother was rightfully outraged. Imagine if you are saying this to a girl who has been a victim of abuse, which statistics tell us could be at least 50% of them! Imagine someone coming to Christ later in life and being presented with this! Or that someone simply liked to date. Is this person less before Christ? Has this person not been redeemed? Have they not been made whole by Jesus?
I have had people who saw how I dated my husband and thought: "She got it right." I "got it right" on my first try not because I was special or because I waited or because I had the right rule book. I got it right because God was merciful, and my first try turned out to be an amazing man. But what if it hadn't turned out right? I don't know how I would have reacted. And how would those to whom it didn't turn out right know what to do? Or how would they know how to move forward and try again? And how would they have been prepared to deal with the guilt and shame of failing? If my relationship had caused such a rift between me and my Lord by filling me with shame to turn to Him, how can I even consider it "getting right'? I suffered for years. I rejected my husband for years. The only reason it worked is that for some reason I still can't fathom he was head over heels for me, and he kept pursuing me despite myself.
I call finding my husband as "God saving me from myself." I thank my friend David (a.k.a Cucaracha), who doesn't know how his words changed the course of my life, said to me straight. He said to me: "Keep doing what you're doing. Keep hoping and pursuing a husband who is a pastor or a deacon. Keep doing what the church commands you to do. You will get exactly what you want, and you will one day realize you wake every morning next to a man you don't even like." That scared me. I could picture it very clearly. He was right. I had almost been groomed. (Want to know more? Read the links at the top!) I almost let the best man who's ever loved me slip away. I thank God every day for the mercy of asking myself "Is it You who is telling me 'no' to this man or is it the church?" and realizing it was not His voice saying "no." I had heard my spiritual leaders so much that I didn't even know what listening to His voice was, but, by some miracle, His Spirit within me spoke to my spirit, and, by His grace, we have been happily married for almost 14 years.
My students asked me: "What do we do then? How do we find the right person?" At the time, I told them I didn't have an answer. I spent some time with my lovely mentor, Diane, a few days ago, and she gave me an answer I can take before my kids: "What we do, we do by faith." It won't turn out perfect because this world is fallen. There are no money-back guarantees for following Jesus. He actually warned us that we would have afflictions. But if we walked by faith, we can be sure He has a purpose, He sustains us, He is with us, and He is still doing things that no eye has seen or ear has heard for the glory of His name.
