Burnt Offerings

It was a dark summer. I was going to Honduras for the first time in 7 years. It should have been a time of reconnecting, rejoicing, and relaxing. Instead, it was a time of great grief. We had to make a tough decision: quit our jobs, leave our home and school, and move to a different city. Everything was stacked against us. We were going to a smaller school that had only 4 years of operations. We were moving to a more expensive neighborhood. We were moving away from family and friends (my mom lived next door to me.) We didn't have a lot of money (I was not remunerated for the summer). We were moving from a school that our daughters loved. We were moving from a school where we loved our students dearly. The decision took us all summer.

We would go back and forth. Should we stay? Should we go? How, when it is all stacked against us? Can we even afford it? My heart was racing almost every night. My husband had instructed me not to breathe a word about this to the girls and to not spoil their summer. I felt I was lying to them the entire time. They would speak to me about the things they would do with their classmates when they went back to Panama, and my heart would break. They would tell me stories about their friends, and I knew the decision would break their hearts. I would wake up in a panic and tell my husband I had changed my mind; that he and the girls should stay and only I should go. He would tell me he had already set his heart on leaving. He would come back and acquiesce only for me to tell him that we should stick to our first resolution. It was a back-and-forth I am not proud of. I was making decisions out of a place of fear, fear of what we might be losing.

Then there was the issue of my heart. Oh, how it was bleeding! It felt hurt. It felt humbled. It felt guilty. It felt like I hadn't been enough. It felt like I hadn't done a single thing right. I replayed the final scenes before summer in my head over and over again. "How could it have ended that way?" I felt injustice. I felt unappreciated. But most of all, I felt unworthy. The pain in my heart would make me writhe under my blanket, as I tossed and turned every night all night. "Let it go," my husband would say, "You can't keep reliving it. You can't keep blaming yourself. You need to give it to God."

Before this happened, I had met with my mentor, and she had been unequivocal: "Only stay if you hear a clear calling from God to do so. If not, He is clearly moving you." I kept looking for that clear calling, and a Bible verse kept popping up everywhere I looked:

"Has the Lord as great delight in burnt offerings and sacrifices, as in obeying the voice of the Lord? Behold, to obey is better than sacrifice, and to listen than the fat of rams." 1 Samuel 15:22

I was not going to listen. I was going to find a way. First, I tried to find a way to stay. That was a dead end. Then, I tried to find a way for my husband and girls to stay. That proved more fruitful  as I was offered a position in a more prestigious nearby school. They needed a computer science teacher which better suited my resume. But that decision never gave me any peace. It actually made me feel like I was disobeying. The Bible verse would keep popping up. It was in an Instagram story or a post I was scrolling. It was the verse of the day in the Bible app. It was the verse that a friend was sharing in one of our talks. That was a clear sign! We decided to walk by faith and take a leap. If we had gone by human rationale, we would have never done it. Oh, how lucky that we strive to seek the wisdom of Heaven and not of this world.

The first thing I did as soon as we landed back in Panama was tell the girls (literally, as soon as we got home from the airport!). My heart could not take a single moment longer before I told the girls the truth: We would not be returning to our previous school. Their tears were instant. They cried. I cried. My mom cried. We told them we were moving to a nicer home and a nicer neighborhood. We told them their school would be really nice and that the teachers we knew from the school were also very nice. They would not hear of it. "We don't want a better house or a better neighborhood. We are happy here. We are happy at our school. Why are you changing us?" I knew it would hurt. It hurt really bad. I woke early in the morning the next day and asked them if they were still mad at me. I think it was the first time they said "yes."

Things took a quick turn when they came with us house hunting. Every neighborhood and apartment was better than the previous one. They could see that they would live in a place with a pool, parks, and bike paths. That excited them. They toured the school and could not believe how big the grounds were. "You said this was a smaller school," my younger exclaimed puzzled with surprise as we toured the well-furnished music room, dance room, film room, and art room. "It's smaller in student body size, but they will grow every year," I clarified. They saw the enclosed cafeteria and gym with AC, the roomy classrooms, and the expansive playground and outdoor courts. Their belief that "better" wasn't actually "better" soon evaporated. That was such a relief. They were on board.

We have been living in Panama Pacifico and working at our new school for six months now. We have very few students. I have classes of only two students. I can't say I am complaining, although I miss bigger classes. I miss my students so much, but I am glad I get to see so many of them at church. My husband misses them terribly too. We live in a house with a kitchen island, a walk-in closet, and a balcony; things that seem trivial for anyone else, but for us who never had them, they seemed unattainable. I suffered from impostor syndrome for weeks. "Is this really where I live? I feel I am living in an Airbnb I rented for a nice vacation. This can't be right; I'll soon wake up." I was relieved to realize my husband was feeling the same. "We have access to two pools and a gym?! The girls have their pick of several parks and playgrounds?! They are safe to walk the dog on their own around the neighborhood, because it is extremely safe and guarded?! Nah! This is not happening to us."

I love working at my new school. My students are so amazing, but then again, all of my students have always been amazing. I have loved every single one of them. I can't describe the joy I feel every time I enter my classroom. I decorated it so nicely. I hung a hammock chair instead of a desk chair which makes sitting at my desk a whole different experience. My boss is the most supportive, caring, and funny secondary principal I have ever had. The school director has gone as far as helping me get my work permit sorted out (that whole shenanigan would need a separate post). I feel welcomed, appreciated, and supported.

I would have stayed at my old job. I would have stayed there for years and years. I would have done it for God, but God had more for me. I wonder how many times He has had more for me and I haven't gotten it, because I would let myself be guided by fear, a poor mentality, or my penchant for suffering. Why have I believed that is what God had for me? Those are burnt offerings! It pleases Him more that I obey His voice. He is the Good Shepherd. He makes me lie in green pastures. He leads me beside quiet waters. He guides me along the right path.

As soon as I came back to Panama, I got to serve in the kid's ministry camp. This was the theme Bible verse:

You meant it for evil, but God meant it for good to accomplish what is now being done, the saving of many lives.

Genesis 50:20

I felt it deeply in my soul. It was the Lord telling me He has a plan for everything that had happened before the summer began but also telling me I am here for more than all the amenities. I have work to do in the place I have been placed. It is no coincidence I am here if I am here following His voice. My school is not a Christian school, yet my life mission remains: to make disciples of Jesus. It is going to look a lot different than it did last year. It goes beyond my students. I have already seen the many ways He is revealing Himself to me here and calling me to His business. I have to take greater charge of my girls' spiritual life; it was a charge that was always mine and my husband's to start with. We have had personal devotions together every Tuesday and Thursday of 2025. It has been an amazing time spent in the Word, meditation, and prayer together. I was not taking that time before.

Behold, to obey is BETTER!

My hammock! 

We also enjoy the sport's park nearby for some volleyball training together. 

The bike trail is usually not this scary, but I kind of loved that my first ride there looked so eerie. 

We thoroughly enjoy the greenery of the grounds!

I get to see humming birds in my balcony from my kitchen island.

Our dog Bentley has also been blessed here. She goes on daily walks now that the girls can take her without me, so she doesn't rely on mommy being healthy for walks. She loves enjoying balcony time and even watches the hummingbirds with me.

I get these spectacular mountain views when I am on the hammock doing my devotional and meditation.

Thank you, Father, for your faithfulness to us. We owe all to You!

I Survived I Kissed Dating Goodbye

 

Hello, piece of the internet that is mine. Is it mine? I thought I wanted it to be God's. Is it God's? What a rambling way to start this post! Maybe it is a reflection of how reluctant I am to start writing again because I am scared this piece is mine and not His. One thing that will never change here, I hope, is my pursuit to be honest and genuine. There is so much I have wanted to write about, but I've been too afraid. Well, one of my resolutions has been to run toward the thing that scares me; so, in this case, I have to write about this. 

I have written posts about why I left my previous church here and here. However, no matter how long it's been, their teachings formed me as a person and still guide me to this day. I don't know if I have mentioned this before, but the words from my dear friend Dela still haunt me to this day: "How do you correct your false doctrine? One spoonful at a time." I have found this to be painfully true. No matter how much I want to correct my crooked path, it's going to need time, effort, and focus on one thing at a time. And I guess this is why I haven't written here anymore but why I am doing it today. It is imminently relevant today. I am working as a high school teacher. I volunteer in the youth ministry. I am the mother of girls quickly becoming preteens. I give advice on a daily basis to youngsters all around me on various issues. I better make sure my doctrine is Biblical and sound. To be able to do this, I must recognize what that doctrine is, how it has changed, why it changed, and if it is worthy of spreading it around. And on this post specifically, I want to talk about my dating doctrine. 

I am sure many in Christian circles have read the book I Kissed Dating Goodbye and more recently have heard how author Joshua Harris left his faith, denounced the book, and got divorced from his wife.  I had even heard the false rumors that he was now gay spread like facts among Christian circles. (He is not.) Well, turns out he did more than that. He made a documentary called I Survived I Kissed Dating Goodbye. Boy, was it a treat! Not only was it refreshing to see him earnestly listen to the critics of his book but to see him actively seeking to understand how his teachings had hurt others. He had been the inadvertent creator of a legalistic purity movement and wanted to be responsible and accountable for what he had created. I will not speak of where Joshua Harris is today in his faith or in his family life. That is between him and God. I know this topic is controversial, and I can already feel the fear creeping back in to stop the post here. 

The documentary and critiques brought to mind my personal relationship with the book and the purity movement. I would like to share some of the main ones:

1. It made you feel unclean. "You have a crush on a boy? Unclean! You have a new crush now? Disloyal and unclean! You are spending too much time being friends with your crush? Unclean, temptress, sinner!"

 I am pretty sure I've written this story before, but when I fell in love with my now husband I felt so impure I could not have my devotional for months out of sheer shame to come to the Lord in that state! Mind you, I was in my 20s, graduated from college, and had never dated before. It didn't matter. This was the most impure thing I could do! (Understand the sarcasm, please.) It gave you such a judgmental view of any female-male interaction that is pervasive to this day in Christian circles. 

2. It gave you a money-back guarantee. "Want to find the love of your life that will guide you into a holy life and holy family? Follow these steps for pure courtship with marriage in mind and you'll get it all! No divorces! No cheating husbands or deadbeats. No spinsters! If you are truly serving God, He has the 'one' for you."

Oh, how I believed this wholeheartedly! Oh, how many Christian girls believed this wholeheartedly and wrestled with God for not giving them their money-back guarantee when their years of service did not produce a husband or it gave them a bad husband. 

3. It perpetuated a rape culture and a patriarchy. "If a boy has feelings for you, you caused it. You caused it with the way you dress, the way you smile, the way you talk to him. It is your job how he feels. It is your job to guard his heart. If a man wants to pursue you, he must come to your father first. No way you know what's good for you without your father's consent!"

I remember having this talk with my daughters and the girls from the youth group. "Is wearing a crop top a sin?" My daughter asks. I took the question before the youth group girls. "Do you not wear one to guard your brothers in Christ?" I asked them. When their reply was a convicting "yes", I told them this approach was wrong. "You are not responsible for another's heart. I've dressed like a nun in my youth and still had guys hitting on me." When answering my daughter's original question about crop tops I told her, "If you went to India and saw girls wearing crop tops because that is how they traditionally dress, would you think it is a sin?" I went on to explain that the act in itself is not what matters but your motivation. "Why do you want to wear a crop top?" Isn't that more important? And your answer should never be for someone else's sake. "I dress modestly because I want to honor my God. That is my personal reply," I tell them. When you let yourself be fed the lie that how you acted and how you dress made another male act a certain way, you perpetuate rape culture. It is time for males to be responsible for their own actions and their own hearts. It is time for girls to stop bearing the responsibility, the violence, and the shame of the males' unhinged desires. I don't have time for the patriarchy arc in this post, but you can go to my other links from the beginning to read more on that and my horror stories of grooming. 

4. Dating is a sin. "You must only date with the intent of marriage. If marriage is not the goal, dating is frivolous and dangerous. Courtship is the only Christian alternative available to you." 

I've struggled with this one. Is it a sin? Is it not? Will I allow my daughters to date? Goodness, just thinking about it makes me sweat. The funny thing about this one is that I thought I would be the one who would be uptight about dating, and my husband would be more chill because I did not date and he did. Well, turns out that knowing what dating entails and being a father to girls gives him a knowledge that scares him, and he has been really strict and uptight about the subject. I did not see this coming at all. But I like seeing him go through this on the other side of the coin. His dad was tough on him, and he resents some of those exchanges. Now, he sees them as necessary and is contemplating his father's approach. I don't have much knowledge because I married my first boyfriend. I know of Christian friends who did not grow up in churches setting all these rules for their dating life, and they still made it to their marriage as virgins.

4. Sexual sins carry more condemnation. "You are like an apple. When you give your heart and body to a boyfriend, he takes a bite. You give him a piece of your heart you will never get back. And then you come to your husband all bitten and incomplete. Is this what you want to present to your husband?"

I shudder at the memory of me sharing this with younger girls. I was taught it. I lived by it. I perpetuated it. I recently learned that someone shared a similar "flower" analogy with my students, saying each romantic encounter took a petal away. A mother was rightfully outraged. Imagine if you are saying this to a girl who has been a victim of abuse, which statistics tell us could be at least 50% of them! Imagine someone coming to Christ later in life and being presented with this! Or that someone simply liked to date. Is this person less before Christ? Has this person not been redeemed? Have they not been made whole by Jesus?

I have had people who saw how I dated my husband and thought: "She got it right." I "got it right" on my first try not because I was special or because I waited or because I had the right rule book. I got it right because God was merciful, and my first try turned out to be an amazing man. But what if it hadn't turned out right? I don't know how I would have reacted. And how would those to whom it didn't turn out right know what to do? Or how would they know how to move forward and try again? And how would they have been prepared to deal with the guilt and shame of failing? If my relationship had caused such a rift between me and my Lord by filling me with shame to turn to Him, how can I even consider it "getting right'? I suffered for years. I rejected my husband for years. The only reason it worked is that for some reason I still can't fathom he was head over heels for me, and he kept pursuing me despite myself. 

I call finding my husband as "God saving me from myself." I thank my friend David (a.k.a Cucaracha), who doesn't know how his words changed the course of my life, said to me straight. He said to me: "Keep doing what you're doing. Keep hoping and pursuing a husband who is a pastor or a deacon. Keep doing what the church commands you to do. You will get exactly what you want, and you will one day realize you wake every morning next to a man you don't even like." That scared me. I could picture it very clearly. He was right. I had almost been groomed. (Want to know more? Read the links at the top!) I almost let the best man who's ever loved me slip away. I thank God every day for the mercy of asking myself "Is it You who is telling me 'no' to this man or is it the church?" and realizing it was not His voice saying "no." I had heard my spiritual leaders so much that I didn't even know what listening to His voice was, but, by some miracle, His Spirit within me spoke to my spirit, and, by His grace, we have been happily married for almost 14 years. 

My students asked me: "What do we do then? How do we find the right person?" At the time, I told them I didn't have an answer. I spent some time with my lovely mentor, Diane, a few days ago, and she gave me an answer I can take before my kids: "What we do, we do by faith." It won't turn out perfect because this world is fallen. There are no money-back guarantees for following Jesus. He actually warned us that we would have afflictions. But if we walked by faith, we can be sure He has a purpose, He sustains us, He is with us, and He is still doing things that no eye has seen or ear has heard for the glory of His name. 

How to stop feeling bad about yourself... ?

 I haven't written in my little corner of the internet where I pretend I'm a writer or where I enjoy trying to make sense of the things that I go through for quite some time now. And I have to say, that tittle that made me chuckle as I was writing it and then decided to add the . . . and the question mark has a lot to do with that. 

For some time, in this little corner of mine (Welcome, by the way. It's my corner but I make it public, so thank you for coming over) I had been writing about my battle with depression and PTSD after I profusely wrote about my cancer journey. It fills my heart with joy when many of you flood my posts on cancer-recovery with likes and comments. But my depression posts don't get much traction. I thought it had to do with the fact that they were never a "recovery" post like my cancer post were. I was getting a little tired of hearing myself talk about my battle with depression and anxiety, and I gathered that you too were tired of the same old same old. So, I said to myself I would come back to my corner when I had finally figured it out, and I could share with you all of the steps I took to recover and tell you how I was now thriving. (I chuckled again... mainly cringing remembering having heard that word uttered in the first minute of the new Persuasion movie.) 

So, I'm sad to inform you I have no such posts in my near future. Sometimes I even wonder if I'll have to deal with depression and anxiety for the rest of my life. And then it hit me that millions of people around the world are and will walk that road I'm in too. Isn't that our first comforting thought? "Someone else is also going through this." Is it comforting though? I never venture to be an expert on anything, but I would answer "yes." And one of the reasons it's comforting is because a logical conclusion we hope is: "Someone figured it out. Someone got better. Someone has valid, useful advice." And even if all that fails, we can at least conclude "Someone understands." And that last one is really comforting. Sometimes I think suffering anxiety and depression would be better defined as being neurodivergent, and my neurotypical husband can simply not understand what goes inside my atypical brain.

 Most sufferers of depression and anxiety would agree that our view of reality is very askew; and in my case, my most awry perception is myself. I was talking with my mentor Diane last week and she said these words to me: "So you hear people around you say good things about you and about what you are doing and who you are, but you choose to believe the complete opposite? You can hear God say that you are loved, important, cared for, and you deliberately CHOOSE to believe it's a lie? And if anyone comes and tells you you are worthless and trash THAT you would believe is true?" And without one hesitation I said: "Yes! I believe I'm worthless." 

It pains me to write this and tell you this. Most of the people who ever stumble on my little corner are people who were there for me during my cancer journey. People that prayed and donated and made fund raisers and made home and hospital visits. You did so much to save my life even with your messages and your comments and your encouragement and support. And here I am telling you that since that battle began my little brain has been telling me over and over: "The world would be better off if you had died" and that sometimes I have chosen to believe that is true. 

Just this Sunday the youth pastor came over and said to me "You are doing a great job with the girls." "Which girls?" I asked. "The girls in the youth band. I can see the difference in them. They are more confident. They are experimenting more. Even the way they stand in the stage. Thank you." I had been giving harmony lessons to the youth band singers all year every Saturday morning. He didn't know that I was feeling bad because last Saturday the sound guy had gotten mad at me for using the church's piano without informing him, and another friend told me I might have gotten the band leader in trouble because I had not informed the sound guy. It made me feel so terribly bad that I was thinking of telling the band leader I was no longer going to do the singing lessons. "You see?" said my brain. "You tried to help, but you only got someone else in trouble for meddling in what no one ask you to meddle in. And those girls probably don't even want to attend your lessons and are not learning anything useful." I have to make a pause here because I just wrote "my brain said" and the Spirit just made me realize I should have written " and the Devil told you."  I don't think the youth leader knows how much his words resonated in my mind to debunk the lie I was believing. Again, choosing to believe only what's worst, only what's bad, even after some parents had already come to tell me how happy they were seeing their daughters improve and how happy their kids said they were in their singing lessons. 

In my pursuit of finding comfort in knowing other people feels this way, I read a few articles when I googled "How to stop feeling bad about yourself." They're quite some good articles in the web on that. Here is the main gist of those articles:

Why they happen:

1. Those feelings stemmed from "not feeling good as a child" and from "believing you must be perfect."

2. Those feelings surface when you compare yourself to others. 

What you can do:

1. Appreciate what you have. In other words, practice gratitude. Those who've been here from the very beginning know how employing this one plentifully saved my life during my Tigo days. 

2. Understand that life is not a fair game. This one is particularly insightful. And it also connects to the comparing yourself to others. "I should be married by now.""I should have a house of my own by now." "I should have a good job by now.""I should have kids by now.""I should have matured and gotten over my depression by now." Why? Because others have! But were you in the same circumstance, with the same opportunities, the same upbringing, the same resources, the same connections???? 

3. Things aren't always what they seem. This one connects to what my Pastor Steve shared this Sunday in church. I confessed to him that I was struggling a little this Sunday, and I chose not to listen to the message even though I was serving in the worship team. I went home and I felt the Spirit whispering in my ear that I needed to hear the message. I finally caved in the afternoon and listened to the message through our YouTube channel Crossroads Bible Church Panama. The message was titled "When God rains on your parade." Talk about serendipity! It was the reason I didn't want to listen to the message in the first place. I felt God was raining on my parade. Basically, God knows why He closes doors and makes us wait. I recommend reading God in the MEANtime by my very own Diane Batchelor on Amazon for more on that subject.  You'll love it!

4. If you must compare, compare to yourself. Acknowledge your own progress and how far you've come. Careful with this one. If you don't practice self-compassion, it will be easy to even beat yourself more if you compare yourself to yourself. You are still alive and that counts if you need a starting point. That is truly a feat with us depression sufferers, so take it as a victory that you are still here and you are still trying and haven't given up on life. 

5. Accept what you can change and what you can´t. This one has been the hardest one after cancer, when I thought I would one day go back to normal. I guess this is what veterans feel. They thought they'd go back from the war to their homes to their normal. Normal never comes back. Normal body, normal sleeping, normal thinking, normal relaxing, normal relating... it's never again what it use to, and we spend years searching that "normal" before accepting that change is the new normal, even if we wouldn't choose it. 

So, if there are articles out there about the same subject, why write this post?

Well, because my main audience is myself. I write to make sense. I write to understand. I write to remember. I'm pretty sure I've said something of a similar sentiment here in my blog, but I learned a new step that I will write before this final most important one that you can probably guess but need to hear it anyway. 

6. You don't get to keep what you've learned in the past without actively practicing it today. Learned how to cartwheel when a teenager? Haven't done it in years? Try it to and see how well your body responds to you attempting to cartwheel in your adulthood. Hopefully you did not hurt yourself. This is the same with our emotional and spiritual gains. Learned how to trust God in the unknown? Great. Think you'll do it again in the next storm? Not necessarily unless you had actively trusted God with the little things or with everyday communion with Him building that trust. Learned how to be kinder to yourself? Won't keep doing it unless you practice that inner kindness when you mess up, when you fail, when you didn't do what was expected of you, when you didn't perform like you thought you would. Messed up lunch? Did you practice giving yourself  props for attempting to make lunch? Depressed and feeling like staying in bed? Did you practice saying "good job" for getting up to take a shower? Did you tell yourself today that you are valued, loved, and important? Can't believe that or say that? Next step will help.

7. Tell yourself what God says about you. 

Do you know what He says about you? Do you know He says your life is worth the life and blood of His one and only Son? Do you know He says that if you got lost He would leave the 99 sheeps just to go find you? That if you have been far and away from Him, when He sees you in the path walking back to Him He runs to throw a party and is waiting to greet you at the door with a kiss and a hug? Do you know that there is nothing you can do to make Him love you more because His love for you right now is so infinite there is no definition for more? 

My sweet Diane has had me repeating this children's song when I start believing lies that contradict what God says about me:

"I am covered over with the robe of righteousness that Jesus gives to me, He gives to me.

I am covered over with the precios blood of Jesus, and He live in me, He lives in me.

What a joy it is to know my Heavenly Father loves me so He gives to me my Jesus

When He looks at me He sees not what I used to be but He sees Jesus! "

Anyways, This post was a complete rambling disorder. I'm sorry if it makes no sense. I'm trying to understand my brain. Why does it behave like that? Depression is a fog. Anxiety is a wild ride. And your brain short circuits. We have to find steps to take to cope. Steps to take in the hard times. Coping mechanisms when our brain is hurting or making no sense. Or maybe have the right words when the Devil is spewing lies, and he knows we are in a vulnerable spot. We can call out His truth like Jesus did in the desert. 

Pastor Bob, Hope Profession PhD

Our church will be celebrating Pastor Bob's life this Sunday, September 5th. You can tune in on our Youtube channel Crossroads Bible Church, 8 am in Spanish and 11 am in English. 

For the past 4 years of my life I've had the wonderful privilege of sitting on Pastor Bob's Sunday school. You know what this Sunday school has meant to me and what it has done for my faith, for I have written Pastor Bob's name on my blog several times as you can read here, here, here, and here. My dearest Pastor Bob went to his eternal home last Tuesday, August 24, 2021 the very day he was celebrating his 59th wedding anniversary with his much beloved Mary. 

Can a man depart from this earth having only positive things said about him from everyone that surrounded him? My Pastor Bob has proven you can. But what do these positive things being said about him do? Point to Jesus. 

If I had to use only two words to describe Pastor Bob, I would use the words DUTY and LOVE. 

Let's start with the first word, Duty. 

I met Pastor Bob during a time when I was heavily struggling with my physical health still recovering from the blast of chemo and radio and all the surgeries that stripped my body from normal function. But, I was very comfortable letting all that be "justification" for my lack of service or my lack of character. Who can blame me? Who can ask more of me after all I had suffered? At first, my heart was hardened by the "no one understands me" thought that also comfortably allowed me to be cynical with others. And then I met Pastor Bob. Pastor Bob not only could understand me; he could rebuke me. And rebuke me he did. He had been living with cancer for the past 9 years when I met him. He knew all about the pain of chemo (constant chemo in his case), the pain of neuropathy (which in his case was so severe compared to mine that he described the sensation in his feet as walking on stumps.). He understood alright! And that gave me an instant connection to him. In those first years, he and Mary would check up on me constantly which made me feel so absolutely loved. There was something about both of them that just drew you in, something in their smile, in the way they talked to you, in the way they looked at you. My mentor Diane said it perfectly on our remembrance meeting last Sunday. She said, "Bob had the special ability of making you feel like you were his favorite... And then you realized he made everyone feel that too." It was exactly like I would have described it. I felt his favorite. And then I learned others felt that too, which was kind of heartbreaking, hehe. Can you imagine having that ability of making those who surround you feel like you are their favorite person? It was Pastor Bob's super power. When I started at church, I signed up for a Sunday school class in Spanish that was taught in the main hall. I liked it, but it wasn't what I was looking for. There was this one time when I had just started serving in the music ministry that I was feeling very sleepy, and I wanted to take a nap between church meetings (which is when Sunday school takes place.) I found a dark corner in a room next to the main hall, and there I heard it for the first time: Pastor Bob's Sunday school.  My dear Diane, who I still didn't know closely, was attending it, which drew my attention further because I also wanted to find a way to get close to her. Everyone was participating and talking, which didn't happen in my other class. I knew in my heart that was the place for me to be. It had been a long time since I had desired Biblical instruction and had received it more in the obligated sense. I longed for my Sunday school classes where Pastor Bob would break down verse by verse of the book we were reading and sometimes only cover 5 verses per class. And there I learned about his duty, which he made it clear was my duty. Pastor Bob didn't believe in wasting your time, wasting your emotions, wasting your resources. "Your duty is to the Kingdom, to God, and the gospel," he would teach. He certainly had lived that way during his entire life as a missionary to various tribes in Panama and in his service as main pastor to our church. But his duty had not ended with cancer or a "more mature age". He kept on his work with "Juntos Podemos Curundu" which he presided over. He kept on his small group and his Sunday school. Very few understood what his health struggles were because he never once showed them, complained about them, or allowed that to stop him from his duty of living everyday for Christ. But I knew. I knew the chronic pain he must have endured for almost a decade. I knew the fatigue of chemo, the impotence of a body that you no longer count on or know, the stubbornness of wanting to be normal when your body is broken. Pastor Bob was nicknamed "Bob the builder" rightfully so, but his family would have wanted him to stop his building prowess for the sake of his body. Watching his unbreakable peace, undeniable joy, and his unrelenting trust in his Savior were a constant slap in my faith to "snap out of it." 

Hebrews 10:23 Let us hold tightly without wavering to the hope we affirm, for God can be trusted to keep his promise.

Pastor Bob certainly lived this verse. My struggles were all that were before me back then. Pastor Bob would call me over and over again to put Jesus before me. And if I was complacent in my sin because "I'm in pain", Pastor Bob would not let that slide. He would call me to fulfill the duty I was called on to do: live as for the Lord. 

1 Corinthians 13 1If I could speak all the languages of earth and of angels, but didn’t love others, I would only be a noisy gong or a clanging cymbal. 2 If I had the gift of prophecy, and if I understood all of God’s secret plans and possessed all knowledge, and if I had such faith that I could move mountains, but didn’t love others, I would be nothing. 3 If I gave everything I have to the poor and even sacrificed my body, I could boast about it;[a] but if I didn’t love others, I would have gained nothing.

This chapter in the Word is very well-known. The love chapter. But I feel it perfectly described my dearest Pastor Bob too. Here are other things said about him during our remembrance meeting last Sunday: "Bob was a rescuer. He lived what he believed, and believed in what he lived. He loved to be a fisherman, but was also a fisher of man. A chocolate lover." That last one made me happy, because he once told me my chocolate cake was his favorite chocolate cake in the world. I'll be making that cake for my birthday celebration this weekend. Some tears will most certainly fall after making it, for I always sought to save a piece for my dear Pastor Bob. "My doctor says I shouldn't eat that, but your cake really tempts me," is what he said the last time I brought a piece to our Sunday school for him. I knew what that meant. This was pre-pandemic. Bob's love for people was very on the nose. He couldn't hide it. My dear Tia Mercedes would tell me stories of discussions she would have with Bob about Juntos Podemos. "He needs to be tougher," she would say, "but he loves too much." Tia Mercedes would never miss a day of Sunday school and would make me accountable if I missed it. The Lord certainly has surrounded me with the most amazing people that I needed to be surrounded by. I wish I would have taken up my tia´s invitation to go to Bob's small group. I missed the past two months of Bob's Sunday school because I had volunteered to serve in the kid's combined Sunday school for those months. I had felt in my heart my time was running out and asked Miss Zuly if I could miss my last day of combined Sunday school to be on Bob's class. That class was taught by Selwyn, Diane's husband. I had indeed missed my chance. I thought I had more time. I really did. Bob made you believe it. Even to the end, he wouldn't let out how bad it was and what it meant that he kept on teaching us. I take solace that the last months we had been recording the Sunday school, and I can still watch him. I wished I had had more years with him like most of our Sunday class did. I got four years. I could have had 30 years, and it would not have been enough. I love Pastor Bob and his wife Mary with all my heart. Please pray for Mary. I can't fathom what it's like to lose my life's partner of 59 years. Pray for her health that has also been in decline the past two years. I am overjoyed to know Bob is finally home pain-free, cancer-free, with his new body ready to build again. 

I titled this post: Pastor Bob, Hope Profession PhD because I think that is what Bob's profession was: hope. I had lived without hope after cancer for a long time. Bob showed me it was possible to live with cancer and have a PhD in hope. He lived what he believed indeed! Here are more verse that describe how Pastor Bob lived:

 Romans 5 5 And hope does not put us to shame, because God’s love has been poured out into our hearts through the Holy Spirit, who has been given to us.

Romans 15 13 May the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace as you trust in him, so that you may overflow with hope by the power of the Holy Spirit.

Romans 8 24 For in this hope we were saved. But hope that is seen is no hope at all. Who hopes for what they already have? 25 But if we hope for what we do not yet have, we wait for it patiently.

18 Proverbs 23 17 For surely there is a hereafter,
And your hope will not be cut off.

Romans 12 12 Be joyful in hope, patient in affliction, faithful in prayer.

Pictures by @ruthysworld

Selwyn ended our meeting with this verse and I want to end on it too:

Revelations 1 1 The revelation from Jesus Christ, which God gave him to show his servants what must soon take place. He made it known by sending his angel to his servant John, 2 who testifies to everything he saw—that is, the word of God and the testimony of Jesus Christ. 3 Blessed is the one who reads aloud the words of this prophecy, and blessed are those who hear it and take to heart what is written in it, because the time is near.

Can you prevent a suicide?

  Wow! That is one heavy question to begin a post with. 

One that I have been pondering about for many years and which plagued my mind last night. You see, I have a friend who converted a cargo van into a camper van and has been sharing her family vacations this summer on Instagram. I started daydreaming of one day doing my own van conversion, and I’ve been binge watching van conversion videos and tours on Youtube. Van life seems so perfect: low cost of living, life on the road, freedom to travel. Vanlifers seemed to have it all. I was watching a couple who had done several iterations of their van conversions making sure to add space for guests because their female friend had joined them before and slept on the floor. Their new van even included a bed for her, and she even appeared on the video showing off the new guest bed. I saw some videos where the three of them lived in the van because most vanlifers don’t have kids. My dream van would have to accommodate more than two.  I watched with wonderment how easy they made it look being crammed in that small space with a tiny compartment composting toilet. They seemed to get along well, and their videos were endearing. And then on the side videos was a small thumbnail with the title “For Lee”. Lee was this female guest. She had a channel of her own documenting her own female solo van build. On March 26, 2021 Lee Macmillan took her own life.

 

I was dazed. How could this have happened? She was 28, young, beautiful, perfect body, perfect smile, seemed to have amazing friends and family, amazing life plans. To me, she had it all. I wasn’t expecting to have my innocent van conversion binging confront me with this post’s question. The video “For Lee” had a warning at the beginning of the video explaining the subject covered and warning against triggers. It is no secret to anyone who has read my blog before that I am one of those people triggered.

 

The way some were perceiving Lee’s story made me mad. The first thing that comes to mind to many when they hear about suicide is “How could she have been so selfish? Why didn’t she seek help?” Well, Lee had been very vocal and candid about her struggle with mental health, anxiety, and depression. I’ve written about PastorAndrew Stoecklin  in this blog before. I also followed the story of Pastor Jarrid Wilson, who not only was open about his depression and mental health struggles but ran an outreach group he founded called “Anthem of Hope” to help others like him struggling with depression and anxiety. Jarrid fought to end the stigma on opening up about your thoughts and show how dangerous depression is. His struggle was so intense that he took his life a day before World Suicide Prevention Day. This was his last message on Twitter:

“Loving Jesus doesn’t always cure suicidal thoughts. Loving Jesus doesn’t always cure depression. Loving Jesus doesn’t always cure PTSD. Loving Jesus doesn’t always cure anxiety. But that doesn’t mean Jesus doesn’t offer us companionship and comfort. He ALWAYS does that.” I know many, many Christians who would disagree with Jarrid’s post.

 

All three: Lee, Andrew, and Jarrid had sought professional and pharmaceutical help, had opened up not only to close ones about their thoughts but also to their huge online following, and depression still ended their lives. If you think this was done out of selfishness, please let me know so that I can take you out of my life.

 

I have opened up in person and online about my depression. After Pastor Andrew’s death I even took his wife’s advice that “If anyone even mentions the word suicide, you take it seriously.” She never thought her husband would take his life having all the support he had and raising three small boys. I went straight to my husband and said, “I need you to take it seriously if I ever say the word suicide.” It is only after the matter that people take it seriously. This was a sentiment expressed by many “For Lee’ videos.

 

Back in October 2020, I told my friend Jackie that my depression was getting out of hand. She knew we had also been struggling financially so she offered to give me a stipend of $100 every month so I could afford my antidepressants. I was shocked someone would take my struggle so seriously to be willing to invest in my mental health. Jackie footed that bill for four months. When my mom found employment in February, she took over my antidepressant bill. I was able to begin my weaning process in April and finished the long process in June 2021, just last month.   

 

My struggles with depression have been well documented on this blog, as was my struggle with breast cancer. My cancer posts have more than 3,000 views. My depression posts get at the most 100. Yet, 100 people read my last post. How many who of those 100 who read that weaning off my antidepressants caused me suicide thoughts do you think reached out to me to see if I am doing better? Yup, you probably guessed it! Zero. Most who read this blog know me personally or know me online. Most who do read such heavy posts are close friends and family. None have reached out to ask if I am still having these thoughts. I don’t blame you. We don’t know how to address these issues. My husband struggles especially because he hasn’t personally experienced depression. He says he doesn’t know what to say or do. One time I scolded him and said, “If you don’t know, read! Pick up a book and learn. You don’t have to know it all, but you can be better prepared and be more knowledgeable on what to say or do.” He took me up on that advice and began reading about PTSD, chronic fatigue syndrome, hypothyroidism, neuropathy, and depression and anxiety, all of which his lovely wife of 35 years old suffers from. You probably didn’t reach out because you think my close friends and family are already on it. This should be the case, and I am happy to report it is my case. This is not always the case. Make sure. Heard someone talk about suicide? Take it seriously. Serious enough to show up at their home. Serious enough to give them a call not just a text. Serious enough to inquire about the professional help they’re seeking and if there isn’t any, making sure they get it and helping them out to get it.

 

Lee’s ex boyfriend’s video was especially hard to watch. He mentions that he knew Lee had been cyberbullied and that the hate comments about their split were affecting her. He says he regrets not stepping up to stop the trolls and to make sure Lee was ok. He ends his video saying how he has to live with the regret that he knows he could have done more to try to save her life. Don’t let this be your story. Lee’s friends and family have been doing a wonderful job at creating awareness with the hashtag #speakUpForLee.  I hope this post was not a trigger for anyone. If you are having suicidal thoughts, please know you are not alone. You are not alone in the struggle, you are not alone in having these thoughts, and you are not alone in this life. I’ve had friends call me from miles away in the brink of breaking, and I have been able to be there with them even if through an electronic device. This can be the difference between life and death.

 

Covid has made the suicide problem much worse. Kids are needing psychiatric help much younger. Social distancing is harder for others that rely on social interaction for stability. Reach out now more than ever. If anyone came to mind while reading this post, check up on them today!

 

Here are some numbers for help I found in Honduras and Panama.

 

Honduras:

Telefono Esperanza

0558 08 08 / 150 (Admón 2232-2707)

 

Panama:

líneas de apoyo:

✅Línea de apoyo psicológico: 169.

✅Instituto Nacional de Salud Mental: 512-6800.

✅911.

 

I am happy to report my suicide thoughts from my chemical imbalance due to the weaning process are gone. I am back to reading my Bible every day, doing yoga once or twice a day, going to bed at decent hours and waking up early, taking the girls to the park more often, and making plans for the future. That is pretty much my good mental health state!

Here are some pics of my devotional verses. Taking the time each morning to write them down has been a huge help in getting my mind into the right thoughts (duh! my mind on th Word is best) and releasing any bad energies by simply doing a little art. 

Deliverance from Death

       I am not one to read the Bible where it opened. I'm systematic. I know what I am reading, or I know what I want to read when I want to read something other than what I am systematically reading. But today I read my Bible where it opened. I don't like being the superstitious kind that thinks everything is a sign and when things align it's "God talking to me." But I guess this kind of thinking is prideful and closing me up to look beyond what the eye can see. After reading my friend Diane's book God in the Meantime, I am trying to seek more God's voice like she often did. And I have to say, today I heard His voice so loudly I want to share it with you. 

    My Bible opened to Psalm 116. As a systematic reader that often reads something in the Old Testament and something in the New with some Proverbs and Psalms sprinkled in there most days, I have read Psalms many times in my lifetime. I often overlook them as profound chapters until I study how many times Jesus and other men in the Bible quotes them. After today's reading, I have to take a closer look at Psalms. Before I go into the Psalm, let me tell you what's been going on with me. 

    I have shared how I am taking antidepressants because I suffer from clinical depression. Clinical depression, which has a very physical component due to chemical imbalances in my brain exacerbated by normal everyday problems, is a mental and emotional disorder that is a recognized illness and takes just as many lives as cancer does. This has been the longest I've been on antidepressants taking them since October of last year. I usually take antidepressants when my depression is getting into the "heightened desire or thoughts of suicide" stage that you always hear on antidepressant medication commercials. I always wait until it gets really bad before I seek medical and pharmaceutical help. I've been fighting the stigma on my disease by being timelier in getting the help I need so that I don't let things go too far. But! I don't let myself be on the medication for too long for fear of creating dependency. And so, I am weaning off my antidepressant. I've been steadily feeling better and getting a better grip on my mental and emotional health, so I felt the time to go off the meds was now. The problem with this is that weaning off of these types of medication is dangerous and hard. The doctors warn you that weaning off of them will bring about suicidal thoughts. "This seems crazy. How can me not taking a medication make me think of killing myself?" Well, they're not lying. It's insane. The thoughts come out of nowhere and for absolutely no reason. This begs the question: Should I wean myself from them? Let's answer that question after going into the Psalms. The Psalms was titled "Thanksgiving for Deliverance from Death."

Psalm 116

Verse 1 and 2: 

I love the Lord, because He has heard
My voice and my supplications.
2 Because He has inclined His ear to me,
Therefore I will call upon Him as long as I live.

    This first verse gripped my attention. It doesn't say "He answered my supplications. He gave me what I asked." It says, "He heard me," and this was reason enough for the psalmist to decide to call upon Him as long as he lived. I wrote in my previous post how unanswered prayer has really tested my faith. And here the psalmist is telling me he loves Him for the mere fact that He listens to his supplications... 

6 

Verse 6 - 9: 

The Lord preserves the simple;
I was brought low, and He saved me.
7 Return to your rest, O my soul,
For the Lord has dealt bountifully with you. 

For You have delivered my soul from death,
My eyes from tears,
And my feet from falling.
9 I will walk before the Lord.

    I often battle with my feelings about my cancer because I wish it had never happened and I am eternally grateful it did. It changed me. It brought me low, real low. My friends laugh when I share with them, I am a "reformed pharisee", but I am. I grew up in a church that created division and classes according to "maturity" and "sanctity." It looked down on the "lukewarm Christians" and I was taught to be and act this way. I wondered what the Bible commentary on "simple" had to say. 

“The simple; sincere and plain-hearted persons, who dare not use those frauds and crafty and wicked artifices in saving themselves or destroying their enemies but wait upon God with honest hearts in his way and for his time of deliverance. Such persons he calls simple or foolish, as this word is commonly rendered, not because they are really so, but because the world esteems them so.” (Poole) 

“Not only is God gracious, but he is also gracious to the little people, to the plain, to commoners, to the everyday person on the bus or in the shop – to people like the psalmist. That is one of the great glories of our God. When Jesus called his disciples, he called fishermen and tax collectors. When the angels announced the birth of Jesus, they appeared to shepherds.” (Boice)

    When I consider Jesus, He would have sat with the other group in my church and not with the "mature group" I belonged to. Cancer stripped me of any pride about myself, about my body, about my mental capacities, about my Christian maturity, about my youth or physical abilities. It broke me completely where I could not depend on anything I could do and solely cry out to the Lord in my need with absolutely nowhere else to go. Do you know what a gift that is? As I got better and better, I tried with all my might to hold on to that feeling and total dependance, but my humanity came back!  

    The psalmist was delivered from death. I was delivered from death. If you have been here, you know I struggle with survivor's guilt. "Of course, he can sing to the Lord! He was spared. But what about the others?" is usually my first thought. Let's see what the psalm keeps saying:

Verse 12 and 13: 

12 What shall I render to the Lord
For all His benefits toward me?
13 I will take up the cup of salvation,

And call upon the name of the Lord. 

 

    Pastor Bob said something that has been replaying over and over in my head these past weeks of weaning: "Jesus paid it all for us. There is nothing that can take our Salvation away from us. We are saved. We have the gift of eternal life. With that alone, we should live the most joyful lives ever. We have nothing to worry about anymore ever again!" I believe this is what it means to "take up the cup of salvation." What else can I do for all the benefits God has bestowed upon me than to live in gratitude!  

Verse 15: 

15 Precious in the sight of the Lord

Is the death of His saints. 

 

    I thought long and hard on this verse. How had I not studied it before? What does it mean? I prayed God to speak to me like I haven't in a long time. "He loves my children far more than I could ever love them," is one of the most comforting thoughts I have when I consider the lives of my girls don't rest solely on what I do. He is at work in their lives far beyond than I. If they were to die, it would hurt Him more than it would hurt me. God's saints (His children adopted through the blood of Jesus Christ) are precious to Him. Here the psalmist recognizes he was spared from death, but knows death is a reality to many of God's saints. Their death doesn’t go over God's head. He knows. He is there. He holds them. This is why I have been learning to stop "putting things in perspective." You often do this when you want to lessen your feelings about something. "I am in chronic pain but at least I am not a quadriplegic." "I lost my job due to Covid but at least I haven't lost a loved one." Putting things in perspective to lessen your pain doesn't work and only hurts. They come from lies from Satan. For me, the lies were "How could you be spared, and Kara Tippets wasn't?" And these lies become worse when you try to view your personal relationship with God from what happens to others. This is often the case I see in those who profess to be atheist. "How can you say God is loving with all the hurt, killing, illness, poverty, and injustice you see around the world?" These atheists usually come from a good background and have not personally experienced what they profess to be the reasons not to believe in God. And the people who have actually experienced them are usually the first to cry out and cling to God. It goes back to the point of being simple. I can only view God from His personal dealing with me, and His personally dealing with me was deliverance. And to those that wasn't, precious is to Him. I will only know how precious is to Him when I myself walk through the doorstep of death and feel His love and comfort and being held in that moment by Him. This takes me back to the time I was on my cancer treatment, and I suffered from unshakable joy and trust and faith. I'm telling you the best thing that ever happened to me!

 

    I am weaning off my meds. I was having the most wonderful girls' night with the best friends the body of Christ could have gifted me with here in Panama, Jackie and Tita, and I couldn't stop knitting while sharing with them the Friends' Reunion because I was scared that if I stopped knitting anxiety would take over me. Anxiety that I am experiencing for the mere fact of weaning. I was having the most wonderful family trip eating at a lovely seaside restaurant and thoughts of "you should kill yourself" came to my mind for the mere fact of weaning. It's insane. The difference between me before treatment and me now is that before I would desire these thoughts and fully embrace them. Now, I strike them back with the words of Pastor Bob; I take up the cup of salvation. I fully reject those thoughts! And, slowly the thoughts come less and less, and I open my Bible more and more! 

I accept my deliverance from death and praise God for it instead of questioning Him on why me. 

I open my eyes to see how bountifully the Lord has dealt with me.

 

We found this wild beach close to the San Lorenzo fort in Colon. It was such a great trip with mom out for the first time since her surgery last October.

Family pic at the fort!

My mom was finally able to walk since breaking her pinkie toe three months ago!

Friends Reunion girls' night with Tita and Jackie. We loved having Francia over too!

Second trip to Colon!

I love this man!

Alyla, as my daughters call my mom, is so happy to come with us again. Emmalee said she had been waiting for family trips to come back and spent the night telling her grandparents in Honduras every detail of the trip.

Finally went to the Canal expansion visitor center!

He had been waiting long to finally visit. He was the happiest!

    Oh, how bountiful the Lord is with me!