My heartbreak at the Third Chemo

It's time to update ya'll on my cancer progress.
I don't know why I've been avoiding this post.
It may have something to do with having to share of my heartbreak, which makes me relive it.
Anyway, here it goes.

Chemo session number 3 was brutal.
I attribute that to a few things:
1. Heartbreak
2. Anxiety
3. Bad diet and exercise (attributed to the heartbreak and anxiety)
4. No mental preparation.

One of the things I mostly pride myself during these past months of world-changing news and lifestyle was the fact that I, after battling for 30 years, had finally stopped biting my nails. I mean, I even stopped before losing Sammy and after cancer news, surgery, and first two chemo rounds.
Chemo number two was wonderful. The side effects were minimal. I got to share time with new friends, Nory and her daughters.
And then it all spiraled down so fast I found myself unable to control my urge to bite my nails during a barbecue at a friend's house infront of all my friends.

We had a terrible loss.
We had a rat visitng the garbage in our backyard. My father-in-law uses a deadly mice venom that attacks the nervous system which has no cure or antidote. He thought he controlled where the poisoned food was. He did not take into consideration where the rat would move this food.
Our dear Alee ate some and lost her life after a two day battle. I'm just happy Kaylee didn't put anything in her mouth. Can you imagine? I've since asked my FIL to change his methods to less dangerous. This is the second pet in his house to die of this reason.

At 1:00 am I woke up from her unusual barking.
I found her with my father-in-law trying to calm her. She was convulsing.
I begged him to take her to the doctor's. She came back at 2:00 am with a catheter to give her an inyection if she convulsed again.
It was reckles of me to care for her, but I couldn't stop thinking of my girls losing their beloved puppy. At 3:00 am she puked which made me really happy. After this, she started regaining strenght and even seemed normal. I cuddled her all night until at 6:00 am she convulsed again.
I rushed to wake my FIL to give her the shot. Emmalee woke up at around this hour when I came out of the shower.
"Go back to sleep, baby. It is still not time to wake up," I said.
"It's ok, mommy. You don't have to play with me. I'll just go outside to play with Alee," she replied.
My heart broke so badly.
"Alee is very sick, Honey."
I had never seen that worried look in her eyes.
"Is she throwing up?" she asked.
Poor thing still had her food poising fresh in her mind.
"Yes, baby. She is."
"I want to see her."
At this time, Kaylee also woke up and asked in her lovely toddler voice "Onsta Alee?" (Where's Alee).
I knew Alee was still sedated from the shot, so I took them both to where she lay and allowed them to pat her once.

At 8:00 am she was taken to the vet.
The vet said that if she didn't stop convulsing, he would have to sleep her. I asked him at 1:00 p,m how she was doing and he said she had convulsed two more times. He said that as long as she was sedated, she was not suffering and we could wait one more day.
I called the next day with no hope in my heart.
And then the doctor gave me great news: Alee had not convulsed since I had last called.
We could pick her up and bring her home.
I was so hopeful I brought Emmalee along to pick Alee at 1:00 pm.
At the doctor's office Emmalee did what she had always done when someone was near her precious puppy: She introduced her.
"This is my sister Alee," she would tell those entering the house with Alee jumping at them, and she did with the people on the vet's office too.
My heart was breaking more.

She loved her "sister"

The doctor instructed me to bathe her and try to get her to eat.
I gave her a warm bath and tried to feed her some chicken.
She wasn't having any, so I went to blend it to feed it with a syringe.
When I came back with the food, Alee started making a noise like a cry and threw up blood.
We rushed back to the vets. Emmalee was upset she couldn't come with.
The doctor said it was probably due to a med he had given her and gave her a countering shot.
I left feeling it was not the last time I would see Alee.
As I was leaving, she gave me this look like saying "Don't leave me." I hugged her and told her she'd be fine, that we were both going to fight and survive this.
I called at 5:00 pm and the doctor told me Alee had passed. Turns out that when I left, she couldn't breathe, so the doctor had to intubate her. When he did, she started spouting blood everywhere. She had severe internal bleeding and nothing could be done. She had died shortly after I had left.
I tried to explain her passing to the girls.
I sat them and told them their puppy was not coming back. They didn't understand.
Kaylee kept asking the following days "Onsta Alee" and Emmalee kept telling people her puppy was at the doctors, even though I kept explaining she was not and was not coming back, The girls didn't seem much affected.

It was until we went to my friend's barbecue that I knew how Emmalee felt. My friend Meli had a puppy that resembles Alee a little. Emmalee grabbed the puppy's blanket and put it around the puppy. She hugged her close to her face and whispered to the dog: "Don't eat anything bad. Don't throw up so you won't get ill like Alee."

The girls with Mely's dog October 2014

I went to the kitchen and cried my eyes out. After dinner, I couldn't help biting my nails despite my husband's complaints and demands of me stopping.

Around that time, Emmalee has been coming to my bed each morning asking me if I am sick.
I tell her I am, but that I will get better before her birthday.
To this she always gives the same reply: "And then we'll go to Panama?"
Sweet darling dreams of going to Panama. She can't see a plane go by without telling me that's how we'll go back to Panama.

I had a yeast infection, which both my oncologist and my gynecologist said would be common during my cancer treatment. I went to have it checked and used the opportunity to get a pap smear.
The test came back with an Atypical squamous cell (ASCUS) result. The gynecologist sent me the result via Whatsapp with a recommendation to get a colposcopy. I googled colposcopy and read it is biopsy to find if I have cervical cancer. I broke up in tears and panic. Crazy panic! I call my mom with desperate tone that left her worried sick. "Tell me where to go, which doctor?" I asked. She sent me the name of an oncologist-gynecologist and my husband rushed me there. I entered his office in tears. He tells me not to cry. He looks at my results and examines me. He tells me he has 30 years of experience and promises I do not have cervical cancer. He even says the ASCUS will probably go on its own and the other gynecologist should have never done the pap test with an active yeast infection. He is very reassuring, and I leave his office in peace after moments of complete despair. He will see me again before my fourth chemo to repeat the pap.

The lady at the public hospital that schedules the appointments had given me the wrong date for my appointment. The doctor's note said the appointment was for the 13th of June and she gave it on the 15th. The 15th was when I was supposed to have my chemo. Nothing could be done. I would have to go to the appointment on the 15th to get the prescriptions for the third chemo and have it moved one day to the 16th. When I got there the 15th a sign in my doctor's door read: Doctor Pineda incapacitated; go get a new appointment. I went to this heartless lady to ask what I could do. She said my doctor was sick and was giving appointments until the 20th. "What about my chemo? I should be getting chemo today!" I pleaded. "I can't do anything. Go ask oncology pharmacy," she replied as if I had told her I wasn't getting my flu med without even squinting.
I started crying and went to oncology pharmacy.
Normita, head of the pharmacy, told me not to cry because she would help me get my treatment. She checked my blood test and said I could receive chemo. She said she would get the prescriptions from another doctor and I could have my chemo right away. She even got me an appointment with this doctor so that she could write the prescriptions for my fourth chemo because it was unlikely that I would get an appointment with my doctor before that time.
I was not mentally prepared for chemo that day, though I was very happy I would not be delaying my treatment a single day.

The horror! This chemo round felt like fire in my veins. It stung badly. By the end I begged the nurses to let my husband in to tend for me. "Caress my head," I asked. He was caressing it with one hand while holding his phone with the other. "No Honey, put that thing down and caress me with both hands. My head is on fire."
The effect was immediate and relentless. For the first time since surgery we had to move the girls to sleep in my in-laws' room. My headaches and pain were so severe I was making the bed shake. When my husband couldn't find a way to comfort me or make me stop moaning and shaking, he hugged me tight and I could feel him crying.
After this, I got an infected abscessed toe for no reason, and a weird inflammation on my left arm. I thought it was lymphedema so I wore my arm compression sleeve. Turns out it wasn't lymphedema and the sleeve made the swelling worse.

I went to the oncologist-gynecologist appointment for the pap test. My mom was in town at this time and came along. He became very worried because my arm looks like bacterial cellulites. He told me I need to see an infectologist right away and I need to be on antibiotics for my toe as well. He won't be doing the pap test until I am better. He urged me to see my oncologist. I told him he is completely booked at the public hospital after his sick days but I was able to get an appointment with him at his private practice later that day. While he was talking to me, I asked my husband to go see if he can get an appointment with an infectologist in the same hospital ASAP. My husband was able to get me an appointment for 3 pm that day, but I have to be at the public hospital at that hour to see the new doctor to write my fourth chemo prescription. I begged her secretary if there was another time the doctor could see me, but she said no. I went back in with the onco-gyn who was doing a check up on my mom. When we come out, the secretary (bless her heart) rushes to meet me to tell me the infectologist will see me right away. He had finished with his morning patients early and wanted to help me out.

The infectologist happens to also have a dermatologist specialization so I beg him to treat my toe. He told me my toe was too swollen and the anesthesia would not hold and I would be in a lot of pain. I told him I didn't care; I was willing to withstand the pain. If that toe was not treated I wouldn't get chemo. He agreed to treat it. I asked Rodolfo to take off his belt so I can bite on it. I was glad I did. The anesthesia shot was terrible to endure. Mom said the doctor used plenty to spare me from the pain of draining the abscess. He did well as I felt no more pain as soon as the anesthesia's effect kicked in. He says my arm is not cellulites but an allergic reaction to a bug bite. He gives me prescriptions for antibiotics that will cover both my arm and toe.

After two doctor's appointment that day, I went to the public hospital to see the new doctor for my prescriptions for chemo #4. She was late to her afternoon appointments because one of her patients passed away. I was supposed to go in at 4 pm, but at that time she was on the patients of 3:00 pm. It's 5:00 pm and my appointment with my primary oncologist is at 6:00 pm. I beg the next patient to let me in as I am just going in to get prescriptions because she is not my treating doctor. He agrees (bless his heart) and lets me in. We make in time for my 6:00 pm appointment.

Dr. Pineda checks my blood work and my arm and toe. He says my arm was an allergic reaction but it could easily turn to cellulites. He tells me he wants to move my chemo two days back. I don't even argue with him. I did not feel mentally, emotionally, or physically ready for another round. The two days could get me closer. My heart was heavy; my body was broken. I was also able to tell him my BRCA 1 came back positive. He tells me when need not worry about that right now and I follow his advice.

It was such an exhausting day I barely held my head up to go with mom to my grandma's house to cut a cake for mom's birthday. Mom's birthday was the next day, but she was going back to Panama that day as well. She comes into my room in the morning. I am so beaten I can't hold my head up. She prays with me before she leaves for the airport. I barely get a "happy birthday" out before she is gone and I drift back to sleep. This was a Tuesday. Chemo #4 was on Friday.

I am happy to report Chemo #4 was almost as good as Chemo#2. I had minimal to cero side effects. I finished my last session with Doxorubicine and Ciclophosphamide, which possed the greatest threat to burning my arm if they permeated my veins. My right arm is aching terribly from the inside burns in my veins. I think I did better on Chemo#4 because I was mentally ready for chemo, had had more days to rest, and was recovering from lossing Alee. Also, I did more exercises and coupled it with better dieting. I will let you know of my diet in an upcoming post.

Thank you for reading my cancer journey. Thank you for keeping me in your prayers.
Please pray for a serious case of insomnia I'm experiencing right now.
Pray for tolerance to the new diet which has depravation symptoms.
Pray for some neuropathy symptoms I've been experiencing. These scare me because I will be starting my next four chemo sessions with Docetaxel and Carboplatin which are more toxic and produce more neurological side effects. These scare me the most as they take months after chemo to cure or can become permanent damage to my nervous system.
Pray for my cognitive function. I can barely think straight or remember anything.
Pray for my heart. I've been experiencing clinical depression due to being sleep deprived and from the never-ending fatigue. I am not taking meds for this as it is still not serious.
Thank you once more.

Goodbye Fumoffu

Waking up to the aftermath of the events that took place yesterday wasn't as hard as I thought it be. I was eager to be at work with my mind occupied than in bed with my despondent heart and my incessant mind replaying everything.
Yesterday I lost my darling dog Fumoffu to a tragic accident.
She had been the family's dog for a little more than 6 years. She even went with us on our adventure of moving to Mexico.

That is she and I going to the airport. 

When we got to Mexico, we were unaware that the climate would have an effect on her (Mexico City is much colder than Tegucigalpa). We had to buy her sweaters so she could have time to acclimate.

That's she with her sweater and on my bed. As you can see, she was very spoiled

She is often seen in my brother's poi and juggling videos running around happily on the yard. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_xDWeKK_Lyk&feature=plcp

Here is a pic of her visiting Mexico's downtown Socalo

The whole Maradiaga Family!

She moved back to Honduras on March because my brother in Mexico had to move to an apartment where no dogs were allowed. 

The hubs and I were happy to receive her, but she was a handful.

Having lived inside the house, on my or my brother's bed, and pretty much doing whatever she pleased, It was hard for her to adjust to my husband's more dog-like life for her: outside the house with the other two dogs and, by no reason, on the sofas or beds. 

It took almost two months for her to stop howling all night begging to be allowed inside. However, she really liked the open space my house's yard provides. That yard is dog heaven and Fumoffu enjoyed every inch of it, especially during the rain (She didn't help her chances of getting inside!).

We couldn't understand why the other two dogs where dry and clean and under the garage roof during the rain, but Fumoffu was covered deep in mud and drenched. She loved it! And she showed us her happiness by jumping on us and our clothes in that state. 

She had a hard time having other dogs around. She had been a single dog-daughter in my family. Here she shared love, food, space, and attention with Terry and Lanky. It was funny to see how she was the oldest and smallest, yet she dominated the other two. At first she was kind of a loner, but then you could catch her playing with the other two dogs. I even caught them sharing her bed (only she had a bed my mom sent from Mexico) and even giving each other kisses. 

She was just re-learning obedience (the obedience she had was lost when I left Mexico), but she was being very stubborn. One of the things we tried hard to teach her is not to run infront or behind the car when we were entering or leaving the house. This she never learned. My husband and I were very watchful to see where she was when we would move the car. My husband was watchful and careful of this yesterday, but, in a glimpse, she ran accross and got run over. 

He immediately ran to see if she was ok and got bitten pretty bad on the hand. He tried to pick her up again to take her to the vet but she would growl and bear her teeth, and my husband had only a good hand left to grab her. He came to pick me up at work so we could take her and him to the doc, but when we got home it was too late. 

I'm grateful my sister was around to drive us to the ER to have my husband's hand checked and help me calm down. 

My wonderful in-laws all came to help me burry her and console me. 

I'm grateful my brother in Mexico (who loved her dearest) was with his girlfriend when he got my call and she was able to console him. 

I'm grateful my mom had our dear friend Abelardo with her in Panama there to console her too.

She meant a lot for all of us and we thought we had many years ahead with her by our side. 

Here is a little video of her most quirky trait known to everyone as: SARITA! 

  

Death has left me pondering much on how to cope with it and make sense of the mess of you it leaves.
If you know someone is going to die (old age or health related), you are left with the pain of the departed loved one, but a sense that all that could have been done was done.
If the death is sudden and out of the blue, you are left with more than the loss of the departed, but with a sense of uselessnes, a bunch of "what ifs" and "could I had done..?", a sense you and the departed where robbed: robbed of time, love, and moments.

It has left me two painful revelations:

1. It's astonishing to realize just how frail life is. 

2. As painful as losing a loved one is, life goes on. 

Ecclesiastes 7:2

It is better to go to a house of mourning
than to go to a house of feasting,
for death is the destiny of everyone;
the living should take this to heart.

When facing death, I feel as though time should stop, life should pause. Life and time were stopped for someone else, it should stop for you as well. But it doesn't. You wake up next morning and continue your life. Death is not powerful enough to stop life for the forlorn loved ones, and for those who believe and have a hope in Christ, not even for the deceased.

1 Corinthians 15:55
“Where, O death, is your victory?
Where, O death, is your sting?”

I don't why this happened. I hope God is not preparing me for death coping. I just ponder and wonder, I grieve and somber, and pray life can go on with joy in Fumoffu's memory more than anything.

  

Job 1 : 21
and [Job] said:
“Naked I came from my mother’s womb,
and naked I will depart.
The Lord gave and the Lord has taken away;
may the name of the Lord be praised.”
And, as I believe nothing is impossible for God, maybe one day I'll see my Fumoffu again! Thank You, Lord, for the gift, joy, laughter, and love she was. 

Don't Forget!

Jeremiah 20

9 But if I say, “I will not mention his word 

or speak anymore in his name,” 

his word is in my heart like a fire, 

a fire shut up in my bones. 

I am weary of holding it in; 

indeed, I cannot.

I always try to point out on my blog that this blog is not me trying to teach anyone anything.
I write because I love to write and I want to become better at it.
I write because I have much in my mind that usually comes out of my mouth, BUT when I put it on writing, my thoughts can be organized, scrutinized (by me, this is not an invitation!), corrected (yes, my thoughts are not all gems), directed (usually by scripture, God, or loving friends and family), and shared in an edited environment (oh, if we could rethink, reread, and edit what we say more often). You have no idea how many posts are stored on my blog but never published.

As I was saying, I do not mean to say what is right or not or convince you of anything. I do however wish with all my heart to be continually learning. I try to write down the things I've been and still am being taught and  thus my blog does teaches me. I've spoken of the beauty of journaling. To me it's like the altars Abraham used to erect whenever God had done something in his life. We see Abraham making many altars for what happened in specific situations and tell us it was for the purpose of remembering what God had done.
The striking thing about this is that the times for which Abraham made those altars is not easily forgotten; or is it?

We forget. When the clouds darken, the winds blow hard, and the light is dim, we forget it was once sunny, bright, and warm. We forget it WILL be sunny, bright, and warm once again. I forget. A LOT! I forget how loving and caring my husband is when we have an off day. I forget how serviceable and diligent he is when something didn't get done. I forget how patient and longsuffering he is with me when he (rarely) is angry or frustrated. I forget how God has never left us wanting when I see our bank account status. I forget to ponder and praise Him for His death and resurrection when I'm too busy and tired with travelings. I forget to meditate on how humbling it was for Him to be born with all the Holiday fuzz. I forget I must love Him with all my heart, mind, and strength when I am consumed by my everyday toils and I haven't given Him a thought. I forget the teachings about patience, prudence, modesty, goodness, longsuffering, joy in all situations, gratefulness for all things, love, and much more He took and takes me through.

As I read back a former post or curl in the sofa with one of my old journals, I am once again amazed of how good He is to me. How lucky I am to have God in my life and had been given purpose to live for His glory. What would have been of me had I not had Him? This I need to remind myself. Never forget you are nothing without Him!

Abraham's altars also had the purpose of reminding those around him what God had done in His life and even had done in their lives. God's works are the only thing you can show off. This is why I find peace when I hit the publish button. When someone tells me they could relate to something I posted, or they were encouraged from what I had been through and how it turned out, it's clear to me that it's God's work in my life that has the impact. Nothing about me or my life is encouraging or inspirational. Everything about God is! It maddens me to no end when a friend went to a Christian seminar and I ask: "How was it?" and he/she answers: "Good" and that's all he/she "shares."  When God's Word moves me, I want it to move you. If gratefulness is changing my life, I want it to bear fruit in yours too. If my mind is constantly thinking "Consider it pure joy when faced with many trials..", I want it on your mind too. If what God is doing in your life doesn't impact me, there is probably two reasons behind it:
1. You don't open up enough to really show what God is doing in you. (Probably too shy or proud to open up your life).
2. You aren't seeking Him.

Seriously, if you don't hear me talking to you of what God is doing in me, ask me how my relationship with Him is, because I'm most certainly not seeking Him (reason 1 will almost never apply to me. No surprise there!).

Remember His blessings and share them:
*427 a nice trip with my hubby and my brothers-in-law
*428 a trip to Honduras' biggest zoo. I had so much fun feeding carrots to the jiraffe "Big Boy"
*429 the hub's relatives lending us their house eventhough they were away. How kind of them
*430 a nice pool day
*431 movie night in SPS
*432 an exciting banana ride on the beach of Cortes. The banana was going so fast and was poorly inflated it turned over and dropped us three times. It took a lot of swimming and upper body strength to get untop of the banana again, but it was fun every time. These banana trips are a tradition with us and the hub's bros.
*433 a scrumptious sopa marinera (yes, I have no idea right now how to say that in English. What?)
*434 time with my hub's family, It's hard for me for they aren't Christians but it's part of my duties of honoring my husband to spend time with them. I was very lucky their niece Patty is into singing, so she and I were able to go apart on our own and do a little singing. I enjoyed my time with her very much.
*435 we saw... a comet???? We don't exactly know what it was. It was a green burning ball with a white tail that went across the sky really fast. We had debates on what it was and what each had seen. Some thought it was a flare, others thought is was a jet about to crash, and others speculated on aliens. It was a highlight of the night for sure.
*436 Fumoffu came home safe and sound.

This was the toughest part of the trip. We were anxious because my mom had been told in Mexico we would need a vet to get her out of the airport. Where on earth am I going to find a vet in an unknown city at 9 pm on Easter Thursday?!! It took three trips to the airport, money paid for all the papers (ouch), and a lot of praying to get her out. Luckily, the guys handling her papers where so desperate to go home and not miss the last bus, they released her pretty fast. I left the airport at 10-ish pm when I was told I'd probably be done at 1 am with luck.
*437 finally home to sleep in my good ol' bed. Home is not where the heart is; it's were you sleep more comfortably. There is another version to this saying. If you know it, know that I also completely agree. :P
*438 Sunday spent with my sister just the two of us. Best days!


  

You have always sent someone when I needed.

My darling Leon died. :(
Oh, Father, I have such a hard time coping with loss. My heart is so broken I have a hard time staying focused and cry out of the blue. I do not want to sleep or lay in bed. Dad, I am sad. Is this wrong? People keep telling me not to loose my peace, have strenght, rejoice in You, be encouraged it was the best thing. I think they are right but I like what Paul says: Cry with those who cry. I guess this is one of the reasons it is so hard to feel comforted by guys and girls are our to-go friends in grief. I guess it is one of the few times we'd pick our girl friends over boy friends. Woman in other cases are judgmental before understanding but in these cases they are able to cry with you. I am sure my mom (who could care less about dogs) and Pit, my sis, would have cried with me. And I felt my darling friends through their messages.

I feel comforted to think that You cried with me. People do not get my infatuation with dogs. When my dad left, I was not confident of myself enough to make friends. My only friend was Duppy, our dog. I remember the teacher in 4th grade asking everyone who was their best friend, and when I said Duppy, they all laughed at me. I am so sure that dog is in heaven! Man, I gave him the Gospel like 50 times, I even made songs that I would sing only to him about my relationship with You. (btw, I AM being sarcastic about him in heaven, but it is the truth :)).

I then had Oso. Oso came to me at a time when I lost my best friend (human, this time, and long time crush). He is another great comfort in a time of great need. And he also heard my songs that no one else, except You, heard. I would love watching him sit under my piano or asleep in my lap when I played the guitar (Boy, were those other times with tons of time. I haven't played the piano, or the guitar, or composed in ages!)

I have always felt that the love and comfort I felt from them came from You, like You put them there for me because I needed them, so I could feel You. And with my hubby, my family, all my friends, I still get so much comfort and love from them.

I really do feel You cared and cried with me, and I am grateful, over all, for a friend like You. People ask me why I am so fanatic about You and why I am so sure You are real. I tell them: "I have seen Him." I have! In the lonely nights crying my eyes out but feeling You close. In my poured heart in the pages of my devotionals, that felt so lost and confused, and on the second page was finding the answer and guidance. In the changed person I am, that would not be this way if Your love would not daily transform me. In the sweet friendship were I can always feel understood, admonished, challenged, and loved. In those around, yes, including my darling pets.

Thank You, Father. I love You! I love Leon. You know, people say dogs do not go to heaven. Well, I am a true believer that nothing is impossible for You, so I guess I could see my Leon again. But Your will be done, perfect and good! Just know that I will please, please, please beg You for this!! :D

Hope in the face of no hope

Dear Father,
I come so broken hearted today. Oh, Dad, but I do not want to doubt You. After so many times I have been tried in this area, I still fail. I still do not come out victorious. I am a woman of little faith. I remember reading in a blog a girl pouring her heart to You and realizing how doubting You and having little faith was belittling You. I do not want to belittle You, whichever the circumstance, I want to believe.

June 15
So my darling Leon came back home yesterday looking pretty bad. I can't express my anger and frustration to receive him in such a state (he had been living with another family for the past two weeks). I think I slept 20 mins every 2 hours last night (talk about preparing for babies). He seems to be in a lot of pain, and I can't stand to see him suffer. I give him antibiotics. I call a vet who tells me to buy him a med and hope he will sleep. My hubby runs to the pharmacy to get the med, and the puppy sleeps til 2 am. Then he walks around the couch in the living room from 3 am to 8 am, all the while I am unable to do anything.

June 16
It's 8 am and we took him to the vet, got him sedated so he could sleep a bit, and got a blood test to see what's wrong.

4 pm, I just got the results from the test. They do not know what he has, only that he has an infection. He is on antibiotics and anti inflamatory meds.

6pm, I just got home from work to see how Leon is doing. Dad, he looks pretty bad. I give him water and delacthose milk (if anyone ever reads this, dogs cant drink normal milk. Dont give him normal milk!!!!) with a syringe.

Oh, Dad, thank You so much for man like Don Orlando Ordoñez. He attended my puppy at 10:30 pm and put him under anestesia so he might sleep and not suffer.

Jun 17
It is 2 am and me and my hubby are out on the streets searching for a pharmacy with a med to put the puppy back to sleep. After all the stores we could think of that were open at that hour and visiting them all and not finding the med, we are going back home, with leon feeling pretty bad, but thankfully asleep.

I've been waking up every hour to the puppy's cries. I hold him and shake him and calm him down and he sleeps again and I try to do so too.  He wakes up again, and it starts all over again. Thankfully, he calms quicker and falls asleep longer.

It's 7 am, I haven't slept much, and Leon wakes up again. This time, there is no calming him. His pain is just too much. I call Dr. Orlando again and he tells me to take the puppy to him. He is put under anestesia again and the doctor doesn't look hopeful. He says he will do his best, put the puppy under IV antibiotics and anti inflamatory meds, but I must prepare for a hard decision.

You know what I love about You, Father? The fact that I can talk to You of what would seem so trivial to most, but not me, and I know You understand me. You made me this way. I would not like the person I am if I didn't do everything in my power to try to save Leon, including praying for him. I feel akward praying so fervently for an animal, but it is who I am. As I took him to the vet yesterday at 10 pm, I cried my eyes out thinking how cruel and injust is this world, that I have the capability to take my dog to the doctor and there are mothers out there that dont have the capability to take their babies to the doctor. Also thinking that some mothers have the capability and dont take their babies, and I would do anything for my little puppy.

It saddens me how twisted this world is with sin. How sin brought forth death, and we have to endure it. I do not want to endure my puppy's death. Mostly, I do not want to question what You do and permit in my life. I do not want to find the reason as to understand Your sovereign will. All I can do is accept it as good, be grateful, be hopeful in You. That last part seems the hardest for me. Being hopeful. I am a optimist at heart and a pessimist at mind. I hope for the best and expect the worst. That is not true hope and true trust. I just have to trust Your will. I want to say sorry for getting so upset with You when You took the life of Sousuke, my sister's pet three years ago. And I am sorry for questioning You when You took the life of Qero. No matter how much loved the pet was, and how injust the situation seemed, You were good and I should have been grateful for the time, as short as it may, You gave us.

So, I do not know if  Leon will make it. My heart is broken. But You command us not to be anxious for anything, for You take care of us. I will rest in that truth, and remember to be grateful.

Daddy, please help me. It is not easy. But I want to obey.

I love You!  

Learning that God is in small paws and wet noses!

Dear Father,

Today is mother's day. I am not yet a mom and I can't have the honor of celebrating my mom, since she is in another country. Some get angry at me when I call my 4 little puppies my kids, but to this aspiring mom, who has spent her weekends trying to recover from her illness bed-riden, they really made her weekend wonderful. My hubby went out hunting and I was glad I had 16 paws following me around as I did the house cleaning. Playing with puppies is one of those things that brings me such a joy that only other dog lovers like myself understand and everyone else thinks I'm crazy. One of the greatest time I have with them is lying on the floor and have them chew my hair, bite my chin and nose, and after some time of biting my hands, arms, toes, and fingers, have them nap in my neck. During all t his time, I am filled with the most inexplicable joy and laughter. Oh Father, thank you for these little blessing only You know how good to my soul they are.

Meet my darling puppies I will soon have to part with, but for now are my joy and hazzle!

This is Mai. She is a combination of playful and sweet.

This is Lanky! She is a combination of cuteness and crazyness (seriously, dont let her cuteness deceive you)

This is Kenny. He is timid and demanding, but melts you with his softness.

This is my little one Leon. He is frail and brave. He takes on his big sisters before he falls asleep.

Thank you again Daddy, you know You make my day with them anytime!