It was a dark summer. I was going to Honduras for the first time in 7 years. It should have been a time of reconnecting, rejoicing, and relaxing. Instead, it was a time of great grief. We had to make a tough decision: quit our jobs, leave our home and school, and move to a different city. Everything was stacked against us. We were going to a smaller school that had only 4 years of operations. We were moving to a more expensive neighborhood. We were moving away from family and friends (my mom lived next door to me.) We didn't have a lot of money (I was not remunerated for the summer). We were moving from a school that our daughters loved. We were moving from a school where we loved our students dearly. The decision took us all summer.
We would go back and forth. Should we stay? Should we go? How, when it is all stacked against us? Can we even afford it? My heart was racing almost every night. My husband had instructed me not to breathe a word about this to the girls and to not spoil their summer. I felt I was lying to them the entire time. They would speak to me about the things they would do with their classmates when they went back to Panama, and my heart would break. They would tell me stories about their friends, and I knew the decision would break their hearts. I would wake up in a panic and tell my husband I had changed my mind; that he and the girls should stay and only I should go. He would tell me he had already set his heart on leaving. He would come back and acquiesce only for me to tell him that we should stick to our first resolution. It was a back-and-forth I am not proud of. I was making decisions out of a place of fear, fear of what we might be losing.
Then there was the issue of my heart. Oh, how it was bleeding! It felt hurt. It felt humbled. It felt guilty. It felt like I hadn't been enough. It felt like I hadn't done a single thing right. I replayed the final scenes before summer in my head over and over again. "How could it have ended that way?" I felt injustice. I felt unappreciated. But most of all, I felt unworthy. The pain in my heart would make me writhe under my blanket, as I tossed and turned every night all night. "Let it go," my husband would say, "You can't keep reliving it. You can't keep blaming yourself. You need to give it to God."
Before this happened, I had met with my mentor, and she had been unequivocal: "Only stay if you hear a clear calling from God to do so. If not, He is clearly moving you." I kept looking for that clear calling, and a Bible verse kept popping up everywhere I looked:
"Has the Lord as great delight in burnt offerings and sacrifices, as in obeying the voice of the Lord? Behold, to obey is better than sacrifice, and to listen than the fat of rams." 1 Samuel 15:22
I was not going to listen. I was going to find a way. First, I tried to find a way to stay. That was a dead end. Then, I tried to find a way for my husband and girls to stay. That proved more fruitful as I was offered a position in a more prestigious nearby school. They needed a computer science teacher which better suited my resume. But that decision never gave me any peace. It actually made me feel like I was disobeying. The Bible verse would keep popping up. It was in an Instagram story or a post I was scrolling. It was the verse of the day in the Bible app. It was the verse that a friend was sharing in one of our talks. That was a clear sign! We decided to walk by faith and take a leap. If we had gone by human rationale, we would have never done it. Oh, how lucky that we strive to seek the wisdom of Heaven and not of this world.
The first thing I did as soon as we landed back in Panama was tell the girls (literally, as soon as we got home from the airport!). My heart could not take a single moment longer before I told the girls the truth: We would not be returning to our previous school. Their tears were instant. They cried. I cried. My mom cried. We told them we were moving to a nicer home and a nicer neighborhood. We told them their school would be really nice and that the teachers we knew from the school were also very nice. They would not hear of it. "We don't want a better house or a better neighborhood. We are happy here. We are happy at our school. Why are you changing us?" I knew it would hurt. It hurt really bad. I woke early in the morning the next day and asked them if they were still mad at me. I think it was the first time they said "yes."
Things took a quick turn when they came with us house hunting. Every neighborhood and apartment was better than the previous one. They could see that they would live in a place with a pool, parks, and bike paths. That excited them. They toured the school and could not believe how big the grounds were. "You said this was a smaller school," my younger exclaimed puzzled with surprise as we toured the well-furnished music room, dance room, film room, and art room. "It's smaller in student body size, but they will grow every year," I clarified. They saw the enclosed cafeteria and gym with AC, the roomy classrooms, and the expansive playground and outdoor courts. Their belief that "better" wasn't actually "better" soon evaporated. That was such a relief. They were on board.
We have been living in Panama Pacifico and working at our new school for six months now. We have very few students. I have classes of only two students. I can't say I am complaining, although I miss bigger classes. I miss my students so much, but I am glad I get to see so many of them at church. My husband misses them terribly too. We live in a house with a kitchen island, a walk-in closet, and a balcony; things that seem trivial for anyone else, but for us who never had them, they seemed unattainable. I suffered from impostor syndrome for weeks. "Is this really where I live? I feel I am living in an Airbnb I rented for a nice vacation. This can't be right; I'll soon wake up." I was relieved to realize my husband was feeling the same. "We have access to two pools and a gym?! The girls have their pick of several parks and playgrounds?! They are safe to walk the dog on their own around the neighborhood, because it is extremely safe and guarded?! Nah! This is not happening to us."
I love working at my new school. My students are so amazing, but then again, all of my students have always been amazing. I have loved every single one of them. I can't describe the joy I feel every time I enter my classroom. I decorated it so nicely. I hung a hammock chair instead of a desk chair which makes sitting at my desk a whole different experience. My boss is the most supportive, caring, and funny secondary principal I have ever had. The school director has gone as far as helping me get my work permit sorted out (that whole shenanigan would need a separate post). I feel welcomed, appreciated, and supported.
I would have stayed at my old job. I would have stayed there for years and years. I would have done it for God, but God had more for me. I wonder how many times He has had more for me and I haven't gotten it, because I would let myself be guided by fear, a poor mentality, or my penchant for suffering. Why have I believed that is what God had for me? Those are burnt offerings! It pleases Him more that I obey His voice. He is the Good Shepherd. He makes me lie in green pastures. He leads me beside quiet waters. He guides me along the right path.
As soon as I came back to Panama, I got to serve in the kid's ministry camp. This was the theme Bible verse:
You meant it for evil, but God meant it for good to accomplish what is now being done, the saving of many lives.
Genesis 50:20
I felt it deeply in my soul. It was the Lord telling me He has a plan for everything that had happened before the summer began but also telling me I am here for more than all the amenities. I have work to do in the place I have been placed. It is no coincidence I am here if I am here following His voice. My school is not a Christian school, yet my life mission remains: to make disciples of Jesus. It is going to look a lot different than it did last year. It goes beyond my students. I have already seen the many ways He is revealing Himself to me here and calling me to His business. I have to take greater charge of my girls' spiritual life; it was a charge that was always mine and my husband's to start with. We have had personal devotions together every Tuesday and Thursday of 2025. It has been an amazing time spent in the Word, meditation, and prayer together. I was not taking that time before.
Behold, to obey is BETTER!
