Afflicted

I am afflicted.
My affliction is not my own, but it might as well be.
I feel there is nothing I can do, nothing I can say.
I feel impotent and at the same time helpless.
No way to console, no way to relieve,
the hurt in me becomes stronger.
This wretched impotence! Why?
Why can't I help. Why? I'd give anything, anything to make it better.
Why am I only left here in the dark crying my eyes out?
Isn't there anything left for me to do?
I seek Your Word, for is the only thing I'm left to do this darkest of nights.
Why didn't I come here before my tear-filled pillow?
And as always, Psalms can never go wrong to comfort.

Psalm 9:9 

The LORD is a refuge for the oppressed, a stronghold in times of trouble.

Psalm 22:24 

For he has not despised or disdainedthe suffering of the afflicted one;he has not hidden his face from him but has listened to his cry for help.

Psalm 48:14

For this God is our God for ever and ever; he will be our guide even to the end.

Psalm 71:20-21

Though you have made me see troubles, many and bitter, you will restore my life again; from the depths of the earth you will again bring me up. You will increase my honor and comfort me once again.

Psalms 39:7

"But now, Lord, what do I look for? My hope is in you.

And so I hide behind Your shelter.
And get a head start on my "staying still."
And realize I may not be able to do anything,
but I am not alone in this.
And He is watchful
And He knows the pain, better than I do hers.
And yet He gives me a thing to do.

1 Peter 1:13

Therefore, prepare your minds for action; be self-controlled; set your hope fully on the grace to be given you when Jesus Christ is revealed.

Hebrews 10:36

You need to persevere so that when you have done the will of God, you will receive what he has promised

So there is still hope, nothing is yet lost.
Though it feels miles away and undeserving.
And I try to cling to hope
and trust my Refuge,
as I remember His promises.

Hosea 13:14 

"I will ransom them from the power of the grave [a] ; I will redeem them from death. Where, O death, are your plagues? Where, O grave, is your destruction?

Matthew 11:25-30

Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy and my burden is light.

Proverbs 23:18

There is surely a future hope for you, and your hope will not be cut off.

1 Peter 5:6-7

Humble yourselves, therefore, under God's mighty hand, that he may lift you up in due time. Cast all your anxiety on him because he cares for you.

And leave it to Romans to leave clear instruccion,
for this obssessive doer to do,
for this impatient stirred heart that could only find her way
in her loving Lord.

Romans 12:12

Be joyful in hope, patient in affliction, faithful in prayer.

Romans 15:4

For everything that was written in the past was written to teach us, so that through endurance and the encouragement of the Scriptures we might have hope

And then one day,
Your hope will come.
Till then, He loves you, He loves them.

Revelation 21:4 

He will wipe every tear from their eyes. There will be no more death or mourning or crying or pain, for the old order of things has passed away."

Dear reader, whoever you are,
please join me in prayer for those whose pain is so far gone, all you are left with is trust in God and prayer. Pray for those in sickness, pray for those in pain, mainly pray for those who have lost faith, those who see no hope. Pray that He might find them, pray that He might heal them. Pray is what you can do, pray hard with me today.

A person with vices... Me?!

I have never considered myself a person of vices. I use to often pride myself that I was not a person prone to fall into addiction. I have never smoked, never had a drink, never liked to go on parties, never had a co-dependent unhealthy relationship. I use to think my only "addictions" were anime and my dogs (can't get enough of them!).

I guess many people like me must think they too are elusive to vices. Well, let's hear a dictionary definition of vice:
a. An evil, degrading, or immoral practice or habit. Anyone here immune to bad habits?
Aha! Leave it to the Holy Spirit to reveal the inner most hidden places of the heart, the ignorance of the mind, and the blinding pride and show me I am a person of many vices.

Cheer up, Linda, it's all good. Everytime the Holy Spirit places your sin before you is because He will enable you to tackle it. So, in the hopes of overcoming my vices, the Holy Spirit kindly gave me the next verse:

Luke 16:10

“Whoever can be trusted with very little can also be trusted with much, and whoever is dishonest with very little will also be dishonest with much.

In other words, start turning your small bad habits into good habits, and you'll turn your big bad habits into great good habits. Of course, overachieving, anxious me wants to start tackling those BIG bad habits of mine, but one of those huge bad habits is my tendency to get ahead of myself and not stay still, (Yes, the verse "Be still and know that I am God" is constantly in my head :P)

Lately I have been struggling, and I mean struggling, to break this small bad habit of mine. It's a vice I've had since I was a little girl. A vice friends and family have asked me to stop and have tried to help me to stop and failed miserably. Having my husband asked me to stop, give me the don't-do-that look when he catches me doing it and I hiding it from him or down right saying to his face I-will-do-it-cause-I-want-to really got me thinking of this serious matter (not so much a little bad habit anymore is it?). Listen to this addict's train of thought: I will stop whenever I decide to. I will only do it when I needed the outlet, but I am still in control (biggest lie an addict says!). Till now that I do it unconsciously. And that is the thing with habits; you do them without thinking and to break it you are going to think of it constantly. Breaking a bad habit is so hard. It's not just about thinking to do the opposite, but constantly thinking about not falling into it. And boy, when you more think of not doing something, the more tempting it is to do it. Oh, flesh of mine, lowly sinful being that you are. And YOU thought mighty YOU was not a person of vices?!!!!!

Here is my small vice that has even given me a sleepless night (no joke) with me battling not to fall in it: biting my nails. Vice? Nail bitting is a vice? Let's go back to that definition: An evil, degrading, or immoral practice or habit. C'mon, nail bitting isn't evil, degrading or immoral! You are overreacting! Yeah, flesh jumps to say that. But it causes you disobedience and dishonor to your husband, lack of self-control, and, lets not forget, how ugly those hands look. How many bad habits do you have that aren't evil, degrading, or immoral in themselves but bring about those descriptions? How about the bad habit of leaving your clothes in the bathroom that causes your sister some discomfort and makes her aggravated? I can name a few habits people don't break because it "only harms themselves":

-being disorganized (loses time and causes other's discomfort)
-leaving the shoes where you took them off.
-leaving the floor wet after a shower (hazardous)
-always chosing first. (seriously, this is a vice for some. think of others much?)
-tv or radio too loud or on late at night.
-staying up late and oversleeping. (so, you are loud when others are sleeping, and asleep when others need you to cooperate?!)
-make mean jokes about others present or not; hand out nicknames.

And this are just the "small" habits. How about the big bad habits:
-gossiping or judging.
-gluttony (yes vice! Causes your parents budget to stretch on food and health and your lack of regards for others!)
-unable to stay quiet when angry or when being admonished.
-impatient, exasperated responses.
-calling other's attention in public.
- raising your voice when your husband forgets he is not in a fast and furious movie when driving!
-being unpunctual

How about the uncospicuous bad habits:
-facebook
-twitter
-tv watching, tv series addiction.

Ok, I feel better again remembering the Luke verse, one thing at a time, and you'll get to all of the bad habits in your life.

Today, I stand before you with a complete month without biting my nails (it's the longest I've lasted and the longest they've been). They look quite nice. My hubby bought me nail polish yesterday and was excited to see my hands nicely done. Seriously, I look at them and feel an urge to bite them (like if they were a cadburry's chocolate bar). When I am in a lot of stress, biting them to almost bleeding distance but stinging pain don't-ask-me-why gives me alot of release from the stress or nerves. This is when it's hardest not to, since my job is pretty stressful. I constantly think of not biting them and I am constantly going to the bathroom to wash my hands. I can't stand them, however I will continue till having long nails and never biting them is the habit and I do THAT unconsciously.

Even in this "meaningless" things, I am glad I can do all thing through Him Who gives me strength.
This is something I've done all my life. Is there something you do that you need to change before the rest of your life habits go unchanged?

For some good habits I recommend: habitsforahappyhome.wordpress.com

Counting gifts:

*235 it's only 49 days till christmas and 31 days till I see my sister and mother again! I am seriously counting days!
*236 better relationship with my coworkers, but mainly, better testimony on my behalf.
*237 a great night with my husband's friends from San Pedro Sula and some from here!
*238 a great afternoon with Mely and Johnny
*239 a father that knocks my door to give a helping hand. So humbled by this act of my father. I seriously need to be more grateful for him and care more about him
*240 a skype japanese lesson with Pit
*241 sunny days in November
*242 moving to another office with windows! I'll see if it is raining, or day or night!
*243 a humble man as a husband
*244 a weekend filled with strength!
*245 finally teaching my puppies something!
*246 my plants are still alive
*247 many friends with upcoming kids. happily waiting for my turn
*248 my mother's helping hand from afar.

God Bless.

JUST DO IT!

SO! Mischievous me has had two mondays off because of Honduran holidays and she has taken them off from grattitude mondays!! Bad girl, Linda, very bad!

When people would confide in me something that had happened to them or when they would publish it on facebook (¬¬), I would always try to give some advice. I am not the kind of person who likes to receive as an advice something like "you just wait and everything will be better." or something like "all you can do is pray and try to understand." I am very greatful for my dear Xenia and that when I sought her counsel, she would tell me what to do. She would even give me the steps to follow on what to do, even if some of them included waiting and praying. But they included some doing. This is how I tackled counseling too; however, life has taught me many, many things (as this blog is proof of). 1. You don't know everything (thank goodness). 2. Not everything has an answer or can be changed with some action or steps to follow. 3. Sometimes the best advice is to wait and pray and understand. 4. The only "medicine" for hard times is grattitude. So now I spend my days just advicing grattitude to everyone. I don't know if it's the ONLY medicine, but it has surely worked wonders in my life. SO, I am truly sorry, Lord, I have been missing out on grattitude Mondays.

I'm a doer. If I say I'm going to do something, I make sure I do (you can ask my mother-in-law who didn't believe me when I said I would do my own wedding cake!). Lately however, my to do list has gone to the roof. There are so many thing I said I would do and still haven't.

Well, no time like today to start and get things done. As long as I get them done, I am not completely failling my word.

Here is my pending to do list:

1. I am still praying for the "comedor de amor" I've been hoping to open. This week we start conversations again to see if we can give it a start on November so we can employ December to bless!
2. Learn how to sow and use my sewing my machine that hasn't seen the light of day. Hopefully, I'll have my first lesson this Saturday,
3. Learn not to bite my nails. It's a nasty habit I'm still battling after all this years. (Seriously, nothing else makes me feel like such a loser)
4. Join a group. I don't know what makes me stall this more and more. In total honesty, right now it is not a priority and I don't feel the need. Yet deep down inside I know I should. It will bless me and give me a time to bless. I leave this in Your hands, Father; You show me where and when and give me the desire, please.
5. Pray more constantly. Seriously, I want to be able to pray for hours in full devotion and concentration. Some people can spend hours in meditation (which to me is pointless and utterly hard) yet I know I am speaking to the King of kings and am unable to stay put and focused for at least half an hour! This is a NEED in my life. I feel I'm obliged to intercede as much as possible for my family right now and everything that has been going on with them.
6. Make cookies for my coworkers. (I said I would and they are all anxiously waiting for them. They give me this disappointed look when they see me come in without a tray of cookies. It's like they don't even care I came. :( ... lol )
7. Make George a chocolate birthday cake. (No excuse, you already bought the ingredients!!!!!)
8. Buy fronline for Terry and Lanky. (NOW! Well, when you get paid.. money, money... sigh)
9. Start practicing my piano and learning songs by ear. Seriously, I'm gonna lose the hability to learn songs by ear I spent my teens forming. To this to do add: Make your husband practice his drums too!
10. Start composing again. (I'll try to get my dad's guitar borrowed. Can't wait for my mom to bring mine on December. Should have never left it behing cuz my brother said he would "learn." I bet ol' Richard (yep, that's the guitar's name) is all dusty and sad). I've been wanting to post vids on my blog, hopefully this week I put on the first that I promised Pit I would.

So, not an impressive to do list. BUT, now that it is out there in the open, I am more pressured to get it done. I love how alot of it is not something I'll get done but something I'll have to continually do. The thing is I HAVE TO DO IT! I've always said Nike had it right. I work better under pressure, so feel free to pressure (except for the cookies, they are giving me nightmares already. Im getting that one done today!)

Many people tend to have a negative look on to do lists or setting goals for themselves. They think that having these and not getting them done or accomplished is a show of failure, so they would rather not bother with them at all. I remember a story from a youth leader about this subject: "A little boy wanted to throw a rock that would reach the moon. He tried every single night and threw the rock as high as he could. Do you think the little boy will reach the moon? Probably not, but I bet no other boy will throw a rock as high as he can." Well, I might not learn to sow beautiful garments, compose hit songs, pray for hours with no end, change the world, or become a master at the piano; but I might learn to make dresses, write songs for MY time with God, pray for change in my family, change a person's day, and play the piano a little better. That is better than nothing at all, isn't it?

Have you had dreams you'd like to tackle but never thought it was worth a shot?

*224 enjoying cold weather for the first time in my life.
*225 awesome aerobic classes that have my body aching but my energy and resistance rising!
*226 a night with Denisse!
*227 a great news from my sister, Lillian a.k.a. Pit!
*228 a mother to admire and be inspired as I put her shoes on!
*229 a negative result on a pregnancy test.
*230 my country in need with a great opportunity for the gospel and christianity.
*231 a monday well spent serving my husband.
*232 the fact that my mother listens to me and I to her.
*233 being taught to listen instead of hearing
*234 good days of rest. Thanks for the holidays!

Repetition... Grrrr!

I love how my posts become a "mini series" without me even knowing it. The recent on has been on the ways God teaches me.

I posted on how He teaches from everyone around me and how He has taught me through my boss. I also learned that He teaches me through situations I pray don't happen or pray that go away and don't; basically, learning when God's answer to prayer is "No!." I had not realized this mini series had formed but today I wanted to write on how He teaches me in a peculiar way.

One of my petpeeves is having to repeat myself. I hate repeating myself. I don't know when this became so intolerable for me since I have been a teacher to kids and teens and I have had to repeat myself countlessly and it didn't bother me. I guess since I had to repeat so much I didn't want to do it outside of work. It's been a year and a half since I am no longer a teacher. That is a good thing because in my current state with my current reaction to repeating myself I would probably snap at the kids for not getting it at the first time.

The one dealing with my snapping is my husband. I don't know what happened to him, if I should be concerned, or take him to see a doctor, but he is either going deaf or I am not speaking clearly. I wouldn't say the problem is I am speaking too softly, because if you are acquainted with me you know I am quite sonorous. He makes me repeat whatever I say to him more than twice. By the second time, my face is uncaring and my tone is unkind and he is just trying hard to understand me so I won't have to repeat once more with a quizzical look on his face. He has admonished me for this countless times. I admonish myself. I really don't want to react this way, but it gets on my nerves more and more having to say everything to him more than twice! I asked God to help me get over this. I asked Him to take control over this reactions and learn self-discipline. The Lord does not delay His teachings, of this I am sure.

For the past month, I have become deaf myself but at work. I find myself asking my coworkers to repeat themselves to me, find them mocking me for not listening or misunderstanding what they said, and mainly, I find myself not being repeated what was said and being left in the dark of whatever the conversation or instruction was about. So this is how God has been teaching me lately: put yourself on other's shoes, before you are found in them.

Curiously enough, my husband hasn't asked me to repeat myself in quite a while, and when he does, I do not react the same way. But, I find myself more and more asking others to repeat themselves and receiving the treatment I was giving my husband. I love how the Lord's anwer is always the right one. He knew it was not self-control alone that I needed to learn. It was mercy through understanding. Understanding, of that I have been learning tons too.

On the subject of wondering why I am going deaf or why I don't understand what they say to me and need repetition, I have realized I am not as good a listener as I thought I was. I think it was the Holy Spirit that moved me to analize this a little further. I was hearing a friend tell me an anecdote and I had a similar anecdote. I couldn't wait for her to finish her story so I could tell mine. I think I even interrupted her. I could hear the Spirit tell me "Did you realize that you were hearing but not listening?" Same thing happened with my husband in the car the other day. He was telling me a story and I could relate to what he was saying or I might have not even cared and I heard the Spirit tell me: "Do you realize he is talking to you and you are not listening but he thinks you are?" This shook my insides. My boss came to me and asked if I could help her with the ..... in the program.... and find her the ......!? I had no idea what she asked me. Not that I didn't listen. I didn't understand. "Could you tell me again, but slower please." "Could you help me find the subscriber to the program x in the log x and find her the amount of renovations made." That was easy. Why didn't I understand that the first time? And it has been happening more and more. I don't get anything the first time, I do not listen before I am already thinking what to say, and sometimes, I do not even hear at all. Looking back at my life, I realize I have never put myself to work on being a good listener. I guess I never saw the importance in it. Not anymore.

One dude I am good at listening or has mastered how to catch the attention of my ears is Satan. "Sick women like you shouldn't have chlidren. Women like you CAN'T." I took a pregnancy test crossing my fingers for a positive result for the first time and got a negative yesterday night. I was not discouraged or disappointed, but his voice resonanted in the corners of my mind. I guess this is why the Holy Spirit is teaching me understanding, mercy, hearing and listening. The Holy Spirit is well aware of my desire to be a good, godly mother to my children, but it is also aware I must prepare, trim and learn lots.

Again, I am grateful my husband is patient, tolerant, and a good listener (in other words, everything I am not!) and I can learn from him. But I want to put myself in his shoes and understand him, before having to see the wrong in my ways. I want to put myself in everyone's shoes before I utter judgment or exasperation, really listen before I letting out my "words of counsel," and be able to listen to stories about construction and buildings I don't care of but I care the world for my husband and if he cares, I listen.

Have you been harsh on a matter? How would you have been treated in their situation? Were you better? Would you like to be in their situation? Have you been understanding? Have you been judgmental? Have you cared? How are you helping instead of adding load? Yes, learning tons, asking tons, analizing tons, and loving God tons.


I love You Lord!

If only life was as easy as hers!!! jeje

Why God?

My last post was written on Monday, and just now I realized I never clicked publish.

I have been pondering on a subject I'd like to share.

On a post last week, I asked my dear Heavenly Father to help us get through this week with no more events. I heard him this morning. He whispered it clearly on my ear. "The more You ask for His help, the quicker things go bad!"

Yes, Satan's voice was clearly heard stirring doubts and thoughts in my head.

"It's true," I hear my mind reply. "Sometimes things go bad and I say nothing to God and they just stop happening. But the more I implore for His help, the more I realize He doesn't answer." Oh yes, Satan knew those past thoughts of mine and how to bring them back.

"We have no money. Please help us have an accident free, sickness free, events free month." That was the "simple" request.

It did not happen at all!

"Why God? Not even for a week?!" Oh no. I questioned.

I had written my previous post in the early morning and not hit the publish button. I began it with "My health is improving." But at noon of that same Monday my health had declined so badly I was lying against the wall hidden in the parking lot as I scringed with unbearable pain. I call my husband to aid me but he is in his test week at college and it is forbidden to miss class during test week or he misses his right to takes his tests. I know he can't come but I just call him to find comfort. Instead, he is frustrated with impotence. Our car had malfunctioned that morning and was at the shop. Even if he wanted to move, he can't. We don't even have enough for a taxi or a bus, that's how bad things are. We were going to pay our rent that day and now we are taking money from there to fix the car and have no idea how we will complete the rent money.

I tell him I'll try to call someone else. I call my grandmother. She is at work but she gives me my Aunt's phone. I call her. No answer. I call my father. He is at his course. He tells me to call his wife. I call her. No answer. I call my best friend, but in the confusion with the frustration and pain, I forget her phone had been disconnected. No answer. I begin thinking of my mother and family again. If they were here, they would answer immediately, and either my mother, my sister, or my brother would get to me in no time. They would help with money to get me to the doctor and give me meds. I scroll through my cellphone's contact's list and I can't think of a number I can call. I spent two hours in pain and crying hidden in the office's kitchen. The physical pain was diminished by the pain in my heart from finding no solace or help anywhere. I was upset there was no one in my family here in Honduras that would care for me. I had no choice. I had to borrow money from my boss and take a cab to the doctor.

My husband, after classes and picking up the car at the shop, went to pick me up at the clinic right in time when I had finished with the doctor. My husband needed all the time he could get for studying. Instead, he had to make his own dinner, do the dishes and attend his convalescent wife still in alot amount of pain. To make matters worse, he was going to go to the pharmacy to get me some pills and go to his parents house to scan a homework and send it by email (no internet in my house), and the car fresh out of the shop was malfunctioning again. By the time he got around all of that, he barely had time to review for his test.

"Why God?" There it was again, faintly in the back of my mind.

It's been a while that I don't ask that. I strive with all my heart not to question God in anything. The last time I questioned Him, I didn't seek His face for seven months nearly destroying myself. I had asked Him time and again: "Heal my sister please!" I was telling her on facebook about feeling ill on tuesday. She said she felt bad too but at this point didn't even care about seeking treatment. I can´t disclose my sister's disease. Actually, we don't have a diagnose yet. Five diagnostic surgeries, nearly 10 years of disconcerted doctor appointments, diagnostics and treatments, pills, pains and money and still nothing. Yes, I did say 10 years. "Please God, I wish to see her be her old self again. I wish to see her smile like she used to. Please."

The last time I questioned God causing me to grow a hardened heart of stone is quite pathetic. We moved to Mexico City some years ago. She was never much into our dog pets like my brother and I, but when she first saw a ferret, she became obssesed with them. She bought the first one on out first month there. There it was! The smile I was longing to see. Her bright eyes lighted when she smiled while she played with her ferret. I think I was happier. I think I desired it too much, just seeing her actually enjoy something and not be constantly worrying, constantly having check ups, constantly wondering if one of the hundreds of test done to her would be positive or actually desiring one to be positive to finally have an answer and end this. I wanted her not to have any other heartaches. The ferret died two weeks later. And there we were again sitting in the vet's waiting room looking through a window a tiny ferret having surgery. "Please God. Don't let her ferret die. Please I do not want to see her sad." It was the only prayer I did. Usually in this situations I pray for the whole time with desperation and strength. I didn't that time. I was sure the ferret was gonna make it cuz there was no chance God would let her precious daughter suffer more pain. Seriously, completely convinced. Watching those tears flow from my sister's eyes broke my heart. "Why God? I watch her seek You. I watch her serve You. Why couldn't You at least save the one thing that was bringing her joy?" Next morning, I find her praying and talking to me about grattitude during breakfast. She says she is grateful she had him for the time she did and she would give thanks to God in the good and the bad. She is the one enduring it all and I am the one quarreling with the Lord? I told you it was pathetic.

"Why couldn't You save her ferret if You refuse to heal her?" Silly thoughts of mine as I would cry till my pillow was wet that whole week. And then I became numb, hopeless. Today I constantly tell my mind, forbid my mind to question God. I have learned of His sovereign will more this year than in my whole life. I wish I knew what I know now then. My sister has endure alot more since I returned to Honduras and left my family back in Mexico. I still wish I could suction all her grief and take upon me. I have learned that You did and You do. No, You didn't save her ferret. But You gave Your life for us, took our transgression on You. I know you love her more than I love her.

And even when I began seeking God's face again, I had still ways to go (and still do) to learn on this matter. I have been saved by hope and grattitude. She had it right back then. Give thanks in the bad as much as in the good. I forgot that monday. And we also forget we are in a constant spiritual battle. I recognized my enemy's voice trying to trick me. Instead of resisting him, I sided with him. Putting it that way makes me feel more ashamed.

But this is how great my God is: even with his headstrong daughter undeservingly, shamelessly questioning Him, He shows her love and grace.

I became close to my sister again. Really close. I spent that whole year in Mexico sharing almost every experience with her. Maybe I became her substitute ferret, although we did get another ferret which the both us cared vigilantly for. Seriously, we took him everywhere with us: trips, hotels, movies, church, everywhere; one of us had to be always watching him. I had great times with my sister. I saw her begin fullfilling her dream of becoming a dancer and have passion in her again.

And that monday night when I was finally home, my father, his wife and my Tia Lenky come to visit and check on me. They said they had cellphone problems, but they care alot for me. Jenny, my friend whom I tried calling, by fluke comes to visit too. My in laws show their concern too. My Aunt Jenny also returns my calls next morning and asks how I'm doing. Tuesday morning I was still feeling ill and my husband can't pick me up on time. My tia Lenky is now attentive of me and offers to pick me up early. I am showed love. Love I would have not experienced and lessons I would have not learned had the events I had prayed God to keep away hadn't come. And by the way, my medical insurance covered all the expenses with no charge at all!

I wonder if my sister thinks it is useless to ask for anything to God or even care about treatment when you are convinced there won't be a result. I wonder if she could grow numb and hopeless like I did after years of waiting for an answer. I wonder If I don't think that in the bottom of my heart too. So when we feel that way, dear sister, I learned this:

Linda- "Why God?"

"To teach You love

To show You love,

To give You love and receive it from you.

And, hey, remember,

I'm in control and

My will is good.
Oh, and I love You and Your sister."

-God

Oh Fleeting money

Today I do not feel like writing. Why? I do not know what to say. Yet I remember in times like this when I felt this way, it was always useful, eventhough at the starting point felt completely useless, just to go ahead and talk with God.

So here is another of my journal entries:

Hi Dad,

Today I'm feeling sick. I woke up with stomachache and headache. For a moment there, I wondered if it could be morning sickness. First time I got excited of feeling sick. Slowly each day my health is improving. I slept less this weekend, meaning that I am handling better the gym workout. I've been thinking alot again on my sedentary life. I want to get more involve. I want to start seeing what can I do for others. I am seriously hoping my health improvement won't turn back with this cold weather approaching and I will finally find the strength to get up and go.

I've been feeling sad from not being able to be with my family. My sibling and I have our birthdays on September and again I was unable to be with them. I never was an ambitious person that desired much money, but boy I desire it now. I wish I had enough money to visit them ever two or three months with the hubby. That would be around 2000$ every three months!!!! :O.. I can't wait for December to get to see them and spend all the time I can with them.

Money, money, money. Why does the world move on money! And why can't we be our own bosses? Tend the cattle and the farm, and live on our own land! I should become an Amish, but the Hubby would die without technology. Yesterday I was watching Robin Hood with Russell Crowe. They lived off of the forest and nature and did not worry about luxury, mortgages, and credit cards. I really wish we lived in simpler times. I was discussing with a friend how unprepared we feel we are for this reality of sustaining a family and making money for that purpose. We wondered if our parents and schools could have taught us better how hard it would be. My coworkers do not believe me, but yesterday night I was counting the scents on my piggy bank. I have 45 LP with 40 cents. Enough for another egg carton. I've been seeing my father and my father-in-law struggling and I was lucky enough to be doing just fine to be able to help them out. This time it was our turn. It was kinda sad we couldn't turn to them. This made me miss my mother terribly. It again makes me appreciate her all the more and have my admiration for her continue to grow. I am confident this economic despair will only last for this month. Plus, You have never deserted me and of that I am completely confident.

I want to thank you for my husband, Father. I must sound redundant by now, but I am amazed by him more and more. People used to tell me that he would change once he was my husband and no longer my boyfriend, and I was holding tight to the belief he wouldn't. He did change. He stopped doing many things I wish he still did. But he withstands so much, he has so much patience and tolerance, so much care and love, he is so serving and gentle, always putting others before himself, never seeking his own interest, making his kindness known, hard working.... Even with the money shortage, he went to do the groceries with the calculator at hand and the exact list of items and quantity in the other, and still brought me chocolate! I truly feel I won the lottery with my husband. So I guess I can't have it all. Maybe one day we'll be able to visit my family at least once a year!

*217 Spending time with Alejandra Pavon. Oh, I love this girl to death. She lights anyones day, not just mine. You can't be around her without smiling and feeling uplifted. I could only describe her like a rainbow on a storm, a powerful lightining in the dark clouds, a wonderful breeze on a hot day. She is one of the most beautiful gems I have in my life, one of Your greatest gifts and blessings to me. She is not my friend, she is family (primata!). Forever a part of me, I am truly grateful to have her in my life and to have spent a Saturday evening on a girls night! I barely have those anymore, boy are they a treasure to me! I pray constantly for her life and for the lucky one You have for her. I pray her heart is not changed by this world now that she is beginning college and being inmersed more into it. But she has the purest heart, the most sincere heart, and a great love for You. With high hopes, I will strive to be in her life to continue watch her grow more beautiful each time.

*218 the puppy x ray with a "normal" diagnostic.

*219 the privilege of not despairing because I have the privilege to know God takes care of me. I often wonder how people without God do it.

*220 a husband I admire more and more.

*221 a husband that forgives more and more

*222 a strong fute that brings me to my knees, teaches me humility, and reminds me of my need to constantly seek Your face.

*223 an unexpected comment on my fb from a dearest friend, in the road to making amends for a huge misunderstanding.

I love you Father!!!!

Growing faith?

     Bewildered. How can I have so much to be grateful when in so much need? It has been an eventful month on the least desired month for events. We knew we had the car register annual fee to pay up this month, so the hubby and I were careful with expenses and savings. Alas, life is not as careful. I was ill a couple of weeks ago costing us med fees. Then, an unexpected car crash (the other driver's fault) and due to the justice characteristic of our traffic police, we ended up paying.

       The hubby accidentally ran over my dear puppy Lanky. Thankfully, she only hurt her front paw and it was not broken. We took her to the vet who said once the swelling and pain came down with the aid of the meds, she would walk normal again. Yesterday we notice her anxious and strange. She was in so much pain when my husband barely caressed her paw, she bit him. She had to have xrays taken, shots and more vet care.
      It's rain season. No surprise from life there; it's October! But when the rain came through the middle of my room and the living room, surprised I certainly was. It's October 4th and already I'm left pennyless.

Neat thing of it all: I'm not worried. I've often wonder how many people strive to follow God's commandments on conduct and relationship, but they often neglect the emotional commandments. Do not be afraid. Do not worry. Do not dwell in the past. I think neglect was missused. It is more like miss. When you are worrying, you don't feel as though you are breaking a commandment, maybe because you have learned to be kind even under pressure or you have learned self-control of your actions when your heart is stirred. But learning not to experience those emotions at all is something we don't do consciously.

      I am a fearful person. I don't know I can use the words "used to be" because it still catches me off guard, but i'm getting more and more there. I often wondered if my fear was a lack of faith. I remember once in a youth meeting the leader was sharing of a request the disciples had made to Jesus. They asked Him to increase their faith. I was attentively awaiting the formula for growing faith Jesus would give.

Luke 20:6

He replied, "if you have faith as small as a mustard seed, you can say to this mulberry tree, 'Be uprooted and planted in the sea, and it will obey you'"

      What? I don't need to grow in faith? Even if it were small, it would be enough?! I did a little reading on this confounding answer. I pondered on the subject some more. I can't tell what the disciples attitude or intention when asking an increase in faith was, but I can say what my own is. So why did I think I needed more faith in order to be less fearful?

     Maybe I thought that to do what Jesus was requiring of me, I needed more because what was provision for me by Him was not enough?

What was provisioned for me then?

    Promises. A clear picture that He takes care of the birds and of the flowers, and He will take care for me. An assurance that even the hairs in my head are accounted for. A hope of a home being prepared for me in heaven. Why should I worry?

     I often write of how my mother is my hero. If you would hear her story, you would think is a soap opera novel. The hardships and heartbreaks she has endured yet coming out untop are enough to show you God's faithfulness, and she made sure her children knew Who was her providence.

And yet even after witnessing His care, I ask for more faith. Is it faith I am truly asking for? Was it faith what the disciples were asking for?

    I'm slowly learning this. It has happened countless times before: an unexpected bonus check when my medical bills were at its peak. the check for my extra hours or the extra assignments that should have been paid four months ago finally gets in when the car needs repairing, help at this point of my life from my mother when my eyes and health needs checking, dad selling the car and giving me a share, long forgotten merchandise that finally gets sold. And somehow, the bills get paid. Somehow, we even have enough to help others. Somehow I've had enough to care for my pets instead of sleeping them. Somehow I've never taken generic meds and have always seen especialists. Somehow? NO! SomeONE! The One!

     Im learning to become a trusting person. Im learning to rely on hope and faithfulness. Besides, worrying or not worrying, the outcome won't change because you worried, so why worry?

*197 rainy days! I love gray skies.

*198 chilly days! they make the hubby happy. It makes him hold me longer too!

*200 a mother who teaches by example, whose courage still inspires me, her humility still silences me, her strength is still provisioned, and her face still captivates me.

*201 a hubby teaching me to respond kindly and forgiving me when I don't.

*202 a puppy under the car with her bones intact. :')

*203 watching a movie with the hubby and the two puppies and having that homie feeling. also that aging feeling to :P

*204 a nice work training that got us out of the office and to a nice hotel, with nice coffee breaks and lunch, nice games and lots of laughter and learning.

*205 a traffic jam that gave me time to share with Fer and Jose, eventhough I murmured about the traffic jam. Oh the streets of Tegus in the rain, you will certainly teach me this season
*206 enjoying the funny stories and laughing so hard with Fer and Jose I didn't miss the gym workout. Talking of life, love, and why!

*207 pay days that enable us to fill the gas tank

*208 having enough to help out

*209 long hours sleeping during the weekend

*210 a lovely wake up visit from dilly and denise under the rain

*211 visiting Evy and her family in Santa Lucia

*212 a God that is so kind to me, He shows me His faithfulness time after time eventhough He's been doing it for a long time and I still worry.

*213 growing in faith. Jesus never said He didn't increased His disciples faith.

*214 nice long call with my sister. Calling my mom minutes before boarding her plane! :)

*215 a lovely field trip with the coworkers taking advantage of the holiday, visiting several honduran towns and enjoying a rare October rain-free day! 

Merlyn, my boss (in the black t shirt) is the lovely woman I've told you of. All of her daughters (the two little girls and the two grow ups) wore pink! :)

*216 new vaquitas (cows) added to my kitchen collection bought in my favorite town Ojojona! :) ... got new earrings too. Handcraft earrings are my fav.