Adding Faith: A lesson on contentment

The Lord is teaching me contentment.
It is good He is pointing me towards this direction because of the drastic changes that have happened in our lives and are yet to come.
In the past months of 2012 we have:
1. Bought a car
2. Had a new pet additioned to our family
3. Gotten pregnant
4. Moved into a house

And it's wonderful to move forward and all these changes have been huge blessings.
Yet ALL represent debts and expenses. The car loan plus gas bills, the dog food and vet expenses, the prenatal meds and monthly ob-gyn bills, the doubled house rent. Sigh.
Take a deep a breath!
Curiously enough, I was more overwhelmed last year that this year. Difference? Gratitude.

God has been beyond good to us. Somehow, He provides for us be it through help from my mom, help from the in-laws, help from family and friends, credit card rewards, or even extra hours and extra projects in the job. Our lives haven't nearly faced their most drastic change yet: parenthood. Friends who know our financial situation and our schedules constantly ask me: "What are you guys gonna do once the baby comes?" My answer: "I don't know, but I'm not worried."

I thinks this is 90% true. I'm still working on my adding faith. And probably when the baby is here I'll worry some more. But God's lesson today is contentment.
Today I read an article on blog I ♥ about contentment. The article was from Jeremiah Burroughs and he said that to have contentment, true contentment, we must first suffer discontent.
When speaking of contentment, Paul used the word "learned" several times. This made me wonder why I have only started to learn the power of gratitude.

Philippians 4:11-13

For I have learned in whatever situation I am to be content. I know how to be brought low, and I know how to abound. In any and every circumstance, I have learned the secret of facing plenty and hunger, abundance and need. I can do all things through Him who strengthens me.

Looking back on my life, I've really had it all. Mom provided everything and I never had a worry in the world. She even provided for a maid to take care of my meals, laundry, and cleaning. I feel foolish of the "problems" for which I used to lose sleep (which is why I feel like slapping a teenager when he complains because of school work!). It seems ironic that I didn't learn gratitude when I had it all and now that it's a struggle I'm more grateful than ever. It was easy to have contentment when what I wanted (not what I needed) came easy as well.

I've always reminded myself and others to have contentment when you put your situation into perpective with others' situations. I think now this thinking, although effective, is a crutch. Yes, when you realize how much harder it is for others or how much less than you they have, it helps you feel better about your situation. Does ts is make you LEARN contentment like Paul had? No! True contentment is "through HIm."

Today I came across a verse in Acts 5 right after the apostles had been unjustly imprisoned because they kept preaching in Jesus' name and flogged when they were released:

Act 5:41

The apostles left the Sanhedrin, rejoicing because they had been counted worthy of suffering disgrace for the Name.

THESE men knew true contentment and knew it through the joy of suffering for Christ's name.

Dear Lord,
That I may learn this true contentment through You, even in suffering and struggle, and in abundance and happiness as well. I rejoice in my sufferings and the teaching it has brought to my life and in seeking You harder. I rejoice in Your providence and choose to rest in You alone. Thank You for all the things You are doing in our lives and bless the child growing in me.
I forever love You!

Step 1. To your Faith add Goodness (Part 2)

In my attempt at walking by faith, I'm trying to go more to church despite my health and despite the time, (I usually don't go anywhere after 8 pm unless it's a saturday and the hubs convinces me. If I'm out at night, I usually end up with a bad case of allergies or asthma).
Yesterday, I managed to drag my body to a meeting at church I was called to two hours beforehand. However, I completely failed at adding goodness to my faith.

You see, we miss alot of church meeting because of my health. It is something that burdens me. Honestly, we don't go to church group on Friday not because we don't want to, but because come Friday I'm extremely tired and I just want to go home to lay my head. In that faith walking, we are going to start attending group on Friday.
Last week was our first visit to a group in a long time. It was encouraging to see people happy to see us there, but it was more burdening than anything.
People started asking us if we were going to start going every Friday and if we were not gonna miss anymore group. This got on my nerves.

In all honesty, sometimes we don't go to church not because I'm not feeling fine, but because we just don't want to see the people there just to hear them question why we haven't been to church lately. To me it's like: "Do you care why I haven't come or just that I haven't come?" My husband is a kind, gentle person who will always answer patiently. I wish I were more like him. People come over to ask him why we haven't been to church. He patiently gives them an answer, and they just brush it off as an excuse. My husband won't show you his disapproval of your comments and opinions, but they are getting on his nerves as well.

On last Friday's group, they invited my husband to a men's meeting on Monday. My husband is on his test week at college. As we were entering the meeting yesterday, a guy from the group asked him why he hadn't gone to the meeting on Monday. Again, as per usual, my husband kindly tried to explain that he was up all night studying. The guy immediately dissmissed his explanation and started joking around of his "irresponsibility." Here is where I failed to practice goodness, my friends. I got so angry at his "jokes" and judgments I snapped at him. "He already gave you an answer. If that is not good enough for you, that is your problem not ours," I harshly responded.

Oh great! Now I was there feeling terribly angry at the same welcome of always and terribly ashamed of how I had reacted. The hubs of course called my attention for my response, not that he needed to. I knew I had been wrong. I waited till the end of the meeting to approach this guy and ask for forgiveness.

I was seriously starting to wonder what church is about and why I don't want to go anymore. What is more important: my attendance or my life? Because all I see is that they don't care about our lives; they care if we're faithfully attending or not. Don't they not know me or my husband? Weren't we there every meeting before my health issues?
How come when we tell them we aren't going to church because I'm very sick none of the "questioners" call to ask how I'm doing or visit? None of them ask my husband how he is coping with caring for his wife almost every week. Do they know he feels burdened or frustrated and oftentimes alone, and he doesn't want to spend his weekend locked up in the house? Do they know our financial problems because of our medical bills? Dear reader, I'm crying as I write this down.

I was inmensely touched by the fact that Pastor Gustavo wrote me asking how I was because he was worried he hadn't seen me in a while. "How are you?" instead of the usual "Why haven't you been to church?"
Now that I find myself in these situations I'm truly grateful. In the past, I was a prolific "questioneer." This was my attitude towards "church slackers" as well.

Please don't get me wrong. I don't think my brothers and sisters in Christ are ill-intentioned at all. The guy from last night surely didn't deserve my attitude towards him.
What happens is that it's hard to be truly interested in someone's life and most of the time you don't even realize what your comments and opinions do to someone.
And I fail even more at faith and goodness here. I'm not giving my brothers and sisters a chance, and I'm instead feeling exasperated by them. Im justifying reasons for not going to church that shouldn't be based on what others do but on what I do and I need. Even last night's altercate served me in learning how to add goodness. Actually, the harder the showing goodness becomes the strong the faith is rooted.

To your faith add goodness...

The dictionary defines goodness as:
noun
1. the state or quality of being good.
2.moral excellence; virtue.
3.kindly feeling; kindness; generosity.
4.excellence of quality: goodness of workmanship.
5.the best  part of anything; essence; strength.

As I told you, I failed at adding goodness.
If I'm gonna trust my church is where God has taken me, then I must grow in goodness.
What will this imply?
I won't be offended by others, but return love and forgiveness and non-judgmental thoughts to them.
I will answer kindly and patiently, or simply be quiet and let my husband answer kindly while I learn from him.

Psalm 23:6
Surely goodness and mercy shall follow me all the days of my life, and I shall dwell in the house of the Lord forever.
Psalm 65:4
Blessed is the one you choose and bring near, to dwell in your courts! We shall be satisfied with the goodness of your house, the holiness of your temple!

The house of the Lord... Is it Church? Are goodness and mercy shown to you there? More importantly, are you showing it?
The house of the Lord... Communion with God? Surely delicious to my soul and flesh. Are you seeking it always?

Goodness is only found in God. Only He is good.
Such an important realization of our state. None of us are good. Therefore, we may only learn goodness from God and through Him. This also means He teaches goodness from others that pick it up from Him. This is what you must strive to be and strive to be around. Friday group is a good starting place!

Life is not easy. This is the very reason you are learning this steps.
It is not easy to have faith. It is not easy to have goodness.
It is easy to come to the Lord. It is easy to come in prayer.
It is easy to pick up His Word and tie it to our necks.
And thus, it is easy to have faith and easy to imitate His goodness. 

Step 1. To your Faith add Goodness (Part 1)

I wanted to do a series on 2 Peter 2:5-10 but was unable to because of illness.
I'm happy to report I'm feeling much better and baby is doing fine.

If you remember my last post on these verses, I mentioned seven steps although there were 8.
Step 1 is to your faith add goodness, but for this you would have to have faith to start with.
Is the fact that I believe in Jesus as my one and only Saviour and the Son of God, and pray to Him count as having faith?
Is faith far greater than that? Is this a good starting point?

Hebrews 10
38 And,
“But my righteous one will live by faith.
    And I take no pleasure
    in the one who shrinks back.”

Live by faith...
I've confessed in the past that I think I'm lacking in faith.
I am always expecting the worst.
Seriously! If I go to the doctor and have to take him a medical test result, I'm certain it is positive. Sometimes even after he has told me it's not!
I've been ordering my mind to ignore these thoughts when it comes to the baby. It has proven quite effective. I guess this is why in the things God commands us to do He includes controlling our thoughts, and not doing so is a sin.
You can control your thoughts if you chose the right thought. Interesting.
By experience, I've learned that the right thought comes out of the Word.
"Nobody loves you and you are all alone," my teenage brain would tell me. "And surely I am with you always, to the very end of the age.," my Bible and sweet Jesus said! And I replaced this thoughts for His words.
My favorite teacher Mr Greene once told me that every sin can be pinpointed to a lie we believed.
His example of this was especially directed at me: "Why do we worry? Because eventhough God has told us He takes care of us, we don't truly believe it."

A couple of weeks ago we were visiting our dear friends Johnny and Meli, and we had a very interesting discussion about married life and marriage relationships.
It was refreshing to have friends you could talk openly and honestly about married life and really not try to hide or pretend it's always perfect, we never fight, and we never have problems or disagreements.
Johnny was talking about the woman's submission to her husband. Mel and I were saying it's sometimes hard because we are seeing that our husbands are gonna make a wrong decision.
So Johnny asked me: "Then is your obedience to submit to your husband in the fact that your husband makes good decisions or the fact that God commands you to submit and, if you do so, He is in control?"
Do I trust God when He commands me to trust my husband's leadership or I'm a believing the lie that I have to "try to control things" or else it won't go right?

Is it faith versus lies?
I think it is. Is faith believing God's words are truth and thus completely following and trusting them? I believe so.

I'm still afraid of my fears coming true, tha come December there is a chance I might not be holding my baby.
I've been reading a blog from an Australian nomadic family that was stricken with tragedy and the loss of their youngest in a disconcerting way.
She hasn't stopped blogging through the whole situation and is capable of speaking of love, hope, and compassion.
Her oldest asked her is everything that happens is good. Even in all she is enduring, she firmly states a "yes"; everything is in God hands, hence everything is good.

I'm gonna walk in faith. And in that faith, I'm gonna start planning and working on a nursery. 
Mark 9
21 Jesus asked the boy’s father, “How long has he been like this?”
“From childhood,” he answered. 22 “It has often thrown him into fire or water to kill him. But if you can do anything, take pity on us and help us.”
23 “‘If you can’?” said Jesus. “Everything is possible for one who believes.”
24 Immediately the boy’s father exclaimed, “I do believe; help me overcome my unbelief!”

“I do believe; help me overcome my unbelief!” Tis my prayer.

So, to sum it all up, the step for today is a two step:
1. Replace your thoughts for God's Word. For this you need to be on the Word.
2. Pinpoint the lies you believe that leads you to disobedience and mistrust. More time in the Word would also be effective. :)
I know I haven't actually gone to the add goodness part, but I just refuse to mess with the 7 steps :P

Not Monday, but grattitude is good any day.
*471 my first diapers sent from Panama by eager Grandma Linda
*472 Still not being able to move to our new house.
*473 In-laws receiving us in their home will we wait for the house
*474 my sister learning through the hardships of the work place
*475 my sister learning she is not alone in those sufferings
*476 my pups behaving while we are away from home
*477 my health improving enough to enjoy time with my husband more
*478 the awesome relationship the hubs and I have been experiencing the past weeks. I can't go by three hours without calling him to find out how he is and viceversa.
*479 the hope the house will be done this week
*480 planning a whole homestead
*481 dreaming of a garden with tomatoes and berries and more
*482 planning a nursery and beginning small projects
*483 Grandpa Edgardo is making the crib!
*484 Adina's visit bearing daisies for her sick "mommy."
*485 My darling daughter Adina surviving her first ironman placing in 7th eventhough she was hit by a car in the bike trail! :O Is she amazing or what?
*486 a lunch with darling daughters Denise and Sarai to celebrate Sarai's birthday
*487 the hub's test week.
*488 classmates willing to help the hubs study. I love them so dearly
*489 Precious Uncle Paolo bearing gifts! A whole box of toys for sweet baby.
*490 a darling Father I can pray to anytime all the time.
*491 pizza making with Izell and Jenny while the guys watched the EuroCup final
*492 Sweet puppy time whilst visiting Johnny and Meli. I'm sorry, but I'll be visiting more! There are few things that fill my heart with so much joy like lying in the ground with puppies biting my hair, nose, ears, and face.

P.S. readers, stick around to see my DIY projects for the nursery, my attempt at home making, and the future series on pregnancy and baby's sex!!

On letting things go for greater things

I've had trouble getting back into my writing mode so I thought I'd use this grattitude Monday to get a start on.
I hadn't writtten in a while because I was physically unable to write, seriously. 
In that time there was so much I thought I wanted to write about. When I was finally able to write again, nothing came to mind.
And I thought on how easy it is to drop the things you love to do for other things.
For example, I love to read; but during my leave of absence, I watched more television or computer.
I was also unable to play my guitar, but I didn't use that time to study music, compose, or write songs.
I love to cook and spend hours "inventing" in the kitchen, but when I come home from work I'm not inspired to try new recipes; I just want to try whatever takes less effort and time. This is also true on weekends.
Most of the time people claim they have no time. 
It is true we have less time; but if we really love what we do and have passion for it, you make time.
I now understand the phrase: "Youth is wasted on the young."
I truly envy the teenagers with all the time and strength in the world, but mostly I'm angered by how much they waste it.
I'm thankful I had productive teen years.

The hubs and I were analysing our lives and found how much we've changed since marriage, and I'm guessing we haven't realized half of how our lives will change once we become parents.
For instance, the hubs and I (especially he) love to go to the gym. The gym will be totally out of the picture once the baby is here.
So in that time reduction, how will you continue to do what you love?
I gotta confess I was even tempted to just stop writing this blog and let it be, since I wouldn't have time.
I love writing here and leaving a piece of myself saved for time.

I guess you lose that what is dear for you to do if you allow that to happen.
If I stop making time to write, play music, compose, try new recipes, then I simply stop.
Sometimes though, you have to leave things for greater things.
I've been feeling deep regret for having had to sell my piano, but we needed the money.
If I am honest with myself, that piano was gathering dust more than anything. 
This also made me ponder on how much we cling to former lifestyles.
I haven't drawn or painted in many years. I'm a lover of crafts and handmade gifts.
Needless to say, all these loves and passions have taken a back seat when in my youth were in the front seat.
My front seat today: my husband, my baby, my job and house.

I was watching the Big Bang Theory the other day and Bernadette was telling Howard that she didn't like kids.
Howard assured her that she would love the kid if it were her own, to which she replied something like this: "Sure, he'll ruin my body, end my career, end my social life, take up all my time and everything I love and I'll love him more."
I seriously hope that is not the way of thinking of my dear sisters in Christ.

Last night after having served in the church band all weekend, the hubs and I were talking of the different young couples we interacted with.
Most enjoy a more ostentatious lifestyle than ours. This has never bothered me but it bothers the hubs a bit.
I know he wishes he had an iphone, a more recent car, a house on the nicer part of town.
He turned to me and said: "But they don't have a kid on the way. That's all the riches I need."

But you know what?
I'm sure the hubs will do ton of workout following the kid up and down the yard and carrying him everywhere.
He'll enjoy teaching him soccer and baseball and riding the bike.
I'm sure I'll do tons of crafts and cooking and party planning with the kiddo.
I'm sure he'll inspire songs and music and lullaby singing.
And the lessons in learning to breathe I'll learn that I'll be able to share here.

So, continuing the gratefulness:
*456 a husband with his heart on the right place
*457 moving to our new house next weekend!!!
*458 overcoming many diseases and hard weeks. Both the hubs and me (yes, especially me)
*459 the chance to serve on church.
*460 consideration from the band leader on my feeble health state allowing me to miss some meetings.
*461 a house full of boxes and pinkies bumping on every sharp corner because of the lack of space
*462 a night playing with the girls and the hubs
*463 friends that visit and call when I'm sick
*464 finding the babies sex soon!!!!!!!!!!!!!
*465 giving up on things that you like for things that you'll love
*466 a whole new life in the brink of beginning
*467 a very serviceable, loving, caring, and patient hubby carign for his now more delicate wifey
*468 weekly calls and outting with my sister
*469 a mother to imitate
*470 mom's bday coming up! wish I was with her.

Proverbs 3:5-6
Trust in the Lord with all your heart, and do not lean on your own understanding. In all your ways acknowledge him, and he will make straight your paths.

Jeremiah 29:11
For I know the plans I have for you, declares the Lord, plans for welfare and not for evil, to give you a future and a hope.

Isaiah 43:18-19
“Remember not the former things, nor consider the things of old. Behold, I am doing a new thing; now it springs forth, do you not perceive it? I will make a way in the wilderness and rivers in the desert.

Romans 8:28
And we know that for those who love God all things work together for good, for those who are called according to his purpose.

Matthew 6:19-21
“Do not lay up for yourselves treasures on earth, where moth and rust destroy and where thieves break in and steal, but lay up for yourselves treasures in heaven, where neither moth nor rust destroys and where thieves do not break in and steal. For where your treasure is, there your heart will be also.

I love You, Lord

Control your feelings or let your feelings control you?

Dear Lord,

I stress and can't control it.
I thoght that was it.
I was wrong.

No wonder I was happy being a teacher. Don't get me wrong, being a teacher is not a piece of cake.
Maybe it's because I enjoyed it so much and I had such a deep love for my students, but
I've never been under so much stress in my life like in the whirlwind world of the computer programer.

I'm glad I have. Stress, frustration, pressure, or anger makes the worst come out of you.
Sadly, that worst comes out in an office environment for everyone to see.
To say that I haven't lived up to my "christian" testimony would be an understatment.
I've been very grateful for this, though.
1. It has made me realize I'm not the goody two-shoes I was so intent in making everyone believe I was, including myself. Yes, the realization has been mainly to myself.
This does wonders in crushing my pride.
2. It has challenged me to learn to be the difference. Knowing something and doing it are two very different things. Just because I've been taught all my life God's ways and principles doesn't mean I automatically follow them like I thought I would, including my marriage.

Stress brings the worst in me. My tolerance, kindness, softness, respectfulness, and much more is reduced to 10% when I'm stressed.
So, control your feelings or let your feelings control you? That, dear Shakespear, is the real question!
But then a question would come out of that one: Can you control your feelings?
Can you?

James says that the man who can control his tongue is perfect. Perfect.
Can you say confidently like Paul, "Imitate me because I imitate Christ"?
Paul is nice enough to let us know he is still human though, and how he is able to press forward.

Philipians 3

 13 Brothers and sisters, I do not consider myself yet to have taken hold of it. But one thing I do: Forgetting what is behind and straining toward what is ahead,

The extremely stressing environment of my work has been excuse long enough.
I love Peter's advice:

2 Peter 2

5 For this very reason, make every effort to add to your faith goodness; and to goodness, knowledge;6 and to knowledge, self-control; and to self-control, perseverance; and to perseverance, godliness;7 and to godliness, mutual affection; and to mutual affection, love. 8 For if you possess these qualities in increasing measure, they will keep you from being ineffective and unproductive in your knowledge of our Lord Jesus Christ. 9 But whoever does not have them is nearsighted and blind,forgetting that they have been cleansed from their past sins.

10 Therefore, my brothers and sisters,[a] make every effort to confirm your calling and election. For if you do these things, you will never stumble, 11 and you will receive a rich welcome into the eternal kingdom of our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ.

The first words that would pop out for me were "will never stumble and rich welcome." These are the words I covet and desire.
There is a good reason why we stumble and I've come to begin to learn to stop fearing stumbling.
However, as I now don't jump to the end and wish to strain toward what's ahead, there are new words popping:
"Make every effort, increasing measure, ineffective and unproductive, nearsighted, forgetting.."

This practical girl and reforming control freak is very happy to have the steps numbered and in an order:
1. to your faith add goodness,
2. to your goodness, knowledge,
3. to your knowledge, self-control,
4. to your self-control, perseverance,
5. to your perseverance, godliness,
6. to your godliness, mutual affection,
7. to your mutual affection, love!

Isn't it awesome they're 7 steps?! It's my favorite number! :P
You see, I was only trying for self-control right now.
Where has that landed me? Lets take a look:
1. I say less bad words. Not enough. I shouldn't say one.
2. I don't treat others badly when I'm stressed. Not enough. I should treat them kindly always, not just "not bad."
3. I have murmured less. Not enough. My attitude should always be grattitude.
4. I bite my tongue better. Not enough. I should be striving for "if anything is excellent or praiseworthy, think about such things."

You see, self-control alone won't produce in me godliness or mutual affection, let alone love!
And my "self-control" without faith, goodness, and knowledge before will never be true self-control. It will just be a means to give "a better image of myself, miss goody two-shoes again."

My dear friend Kenny, who happens to be fellow christian (thank You for christian co-workers!) was trying to give me tips on controlling my stress.
And then he finally gave me an advice that I could use (yes, I'm still dealing with others telling me what to do to not stress and finding it hard to swallow).
I had given up. There is no way I can control my stress. Is there?
And Kenny said: "Wake up every morning and pray for your stress beforehand."
Hmmmmm..
That's a good start for step 1. Step one is actually having faith (Shhh, don't say anything. This messes up my 7 steps awesomeness :P).
Do I have faith God can control my stress and do something about it?

So, as I refuse to be ineffective and unproductive in my Christian life, today I begin to take steps putting every effort in them.
Step 1: Wake up every morning and pray for my stress. Linda, work in this step before you're already trying to jump on the adding goodness. Do so fervently and diligently.
And my sweet friends, you my awesome readers, you are welcomed in praying for my stress and my baby's health each morning too. I will highly appreciate it!  Let me know if you got a step for yourself for me to pray for it.

I love You, Jesus.
Let me not forget that we have been cleansed from our past sins,
and have mercy over me, oh God,
according to your unfailing love,
according to your great compassion
blot out my transgressions. :)

Nonsense advice

One of my greatest pet peeves, you know one of those that gets on your nerves immediately, is nonsense advice.

I was very known for spouting advice to and fro without much thought, but I am glad the good Lord is teaching me to listen more instead. Looking back, I'm ashamed of how many nonsense advice I must have given.

When given nonsense advice, I used them sarcasm. The loving Hubby patiently taught me to have better reins over my sarcastic nature. This was very hard because I spent many years perfecting my unbeatable sarcastic remarks and comebacks. Ask Paolo if you doubt :P

Last time I spoke with my brother, I couldn't help it.
We were talking on the phone and he was sharing his new experience of having to live by himself and having more responsabilities on his house. The dish washing, cloth washing, picking up, tiddying up, and dusting off were all a good humbling lessons for a boy who had had everything done for him for far too long. I was very happy to hear that, but I was also simpathetic with him. He said he could now understood what I meant by appreciating who and what you had before you had it taken away and done all by yourself.
I began sharing him that we were house hunting and now I would have a whole house to take care of.
And then he said: "Why are you renting? You should buy a home instead of renting. It would be much better, you know."
I couldn't help myself, "You don't say. Really! Wow, that thought had never crossed my mind before. I'm gonna go tell Rodol right now that we should buy a house instead. How silly of me!"

That's what happens when the boy has been given everything on a silver platter. I think at one point I got rude more than sarcastic. But seriously, this to me is nonesense advice. Does he even know how much is a mortgage this day? Wouldn't I be buying my house if I COULD!

Nonsense advice is when you advice me to do something I WOULD already be doing if I had the faculty to, but if I'm not doing it, what is the point of you advicing it?

Ok. I told you it was a pet peeve that really got on my nerves.

I'm three months pregnant. My doctor told me I don't have to stress. I'm living for two now, and I must have the little one in mind at all times. I do. It's all I think about. But guess what? I still stress. ALOT!!!!

My husband tells me I don't have to stress. My family and friends tell me I don't have to stress. My boss and coworkers tell me I don't need to stress. All the time!

IF I COULD STOP STRESSING BECAUSE OF YOUR CONSTANT TELLING ME NOT TO STRESS I WOULD ALREADY BE RELAXED!!!!!!!!

Augh. This is the first time the blog post that has been an outlet.
The more they tell me not stress guess what is actually producing? Yep! You guessed right! More stress.

Satan and his demons are combo pack fans. Oh yes they are. They would always go to a fast food restaurant and order that huge family combo pack.
Their attacks are always on combos.

Last week I was asked to do a web application using a new JAVA language JSF. I was so slow learning it, it pilled up my work demand. Everything got accumulated. Result: a very, very burdened and stressed Linda.
I even shed tears from the overwhelm. I've been leaving work two to three hours late everyday!
The hubby gets sick and can no longer attend his pregnant ailed and very tired wife. The already not-feeling-so-well wife has to see how she looks over her worst-not-feeling-so-well hubby. Add the doctor, meds, and exams fees, which would have to be added to the already escalating prenatal exams, meds, and doctor fees. It's been three sleepless nights accompanied by early morning rises to a large pille of workload.
The dessert in the combo:
The dog gets sick!
Really? Really? Add worrying that the dog dies and the vet fees to the combo.

If you can't accompany your advice with: I'll help you with the cooking today since you're feeling bad, I'll come give you company while you look after the hubs, here have $20 to help with you worrying growing debt, DON'T tell me not to stress.

Ok, so more venting huh?
Where is the lesson needed to be learned?
Where is the part where you stop being selfish thinking only of yourself and humble down?
It's nonsense advice because I rely on what I'm capable to do, what I have faculty to achieve.
I am capable of nothing!
I've been asking my mom to pray for me everyday.
I've been expecting emails filled with stress-relieving advice from her.
The only thing she said: I've been reading my Bible every morning and that has made all the difference.
Well, I haven't touched my Bible since past post.
As always, mommy knows best.

They tell me not to stress because they care for me and my baby, not because they want to get on my nerves. Alot of close loved ones HAVE been helping you out and having you on their prayers. There is no need to explode with sarcasm and rudeness on your loved ones just because you are overwhelmed. And if there is a need to vent, your heavenly Father is waiting for you to take your burdens to His cross.

Psalms 55:22:
"Give your burdens to the Lord. He will not permit the Godly to slip nor fall."

Matthew 11:28-30:
"Come unto me, all you who labor and are heavy burdened and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you and learn of me, for I am meek and lowly in heart and you shall find rest unto your souls. For my yoke is easy and my burden is light."

I Peter 5:7:
"Casting all your cares upon Him, for He cares for you."
In fishing, it takes a lot of 'casting' (fishing)...before 'catching'.
So in getting rid of burdens, a lot of praying....and faith brings the 'lifting of burdens'.

Dear God,
I'm sorry. I've been in alot of stress and burden. There is no excuse not to be searching You for You are my deliverer. Please, I beg of you, don't let my stressing affect the baby. Help seek You earnestly so that I might know the way and know the God in Whom I trust. Give me a gentil and soft spirit that I might reply to everyone with kindness and respect, for I know they do what they do because they care for me. Forgive me for the times I've let my anger and frustration control me. Thank you for having me, the baby, the hubs, and even the dog in your hands. Thank you because my financial security is in You and not my bank account. Thank you for the music of DC Talk that helps with the stress at work and has great messages. Thank you for the first mother's day roses and congratulations I've received. Thank for being here with me and for me inspite of me. I'm a sinner, Father; a sinner hoping to be a good mother. I want to be a good mother and a good example for my child right now. Help me. Help me be my husband's help meet and keep your commands of honoring him always, even when I'm feeling sick, tired, and frustrated. Thank you for these hard times. You can take care of these combos Satan throws at me. YOU have the FACULTY. In You I must rely.

I love You!

Anticipating Heartbreak

I'm ashamed of what I'm about to admit to you.
I am a fearful person.
I'm not talking of my very notorious fear of spiders, which is pretty big!
It's a life lived enslaved by fear.

It shames me to no extent when I consider all my beautiful Lord has done for me and in me.
Considering where I've come from and where He has taken me, how He has never forsaken us, and His blessing is continuosly present, I have no excuse for this shameful lack of faith.

Let me tell you about my wedding.
The wedding day is one of a girl's most expected days, described constantly as the "happiest day of your life." I don't believe in such hyperboles, but my wedding day was a very exciting and highly expected day for me. Except for a minor detail: we had relatives coming to the wedding from the USA, Mexico, and San Pedro Sula. Don't ask me why (it's probably my fatalistic, pessimistic self), but I was convinced- yep, that's the word: conviced- that someone was going to die on their travels to my wedding.

What?!!!!
Isn't it my unbelief that I can be that happy with nothing bad happening? As my wedding day came closer and each relative arrived safely, the weighing burden in my heart was slightly alleviated, with the lingering expectation that something bad was still around the corner, like something could still happen to them in the way back.

This story is just aperture to portray how fearful I am.
Being such a fearful person, I've developed a few protective bad habits that follow me still.
The worst of them is: if you don't hope for it, you're not heart broken when it doesn't happen.
This practice works wonders with movies and books: lower your expectations a little so that when you finish the book or the movie the result is above your expectations and you enjoy it thoroughly. This doesn't work well with life changing events; for instance, an upcoming baby?

People ask me "Have you thought of names? Have you decided on the colors of the nursery? What are your feelings?"

1 Corinthians 13:13

13 And now these three remain: faith, hope and love. But the greatest of these is love.

I answer "It's too early for that yet. We are still in shock." 

The truth: I didn't want to think of those things. I don't want to name him/her (which for writing's sake we'll say him because it is too it) if it won't end with him on my arms, and I singing his name. I don't want to fantasize and plan a room that could end up empty, evidence of all my hopes and dreams shattered. 

I am afraid to hope. 

Faith is being convinced of what we heard but didn't see. Hope is waiting for that faith to come. Love is the fullfillment of our hope. With no hope, there's no love. 

Last wednesday I had a pretty ugly scare. 

I saw blood on the toilet and my mind ran away with me in seconds. 

I called the doctor, who said it was normal and nothing bad was happening and I should stay calm.

It was impossible. I went up the office's balcony and cried my eyes out and plead. 

I called the doctor a second time, who reassured me my baby and I were fine.

Not even her words could calm me. I begged her to see me that day. She agreed to see me last. Waiting for the time for my appointment was torture.  

Only seeing could calm me. 

There he was. Smaller than my fingertips. It was strange that his heartbeat was so visible. 

There you were unwilling to fantasize about how he'll look and what his name will be because you are too afraid of your own heartbreak, and there he is, heart beating strong. 

His heart is already beating! Your hopes and dreams HAVE come true. He lives already and you love him more than your own life. 

Why would you want to anticipate heartbreak? 

Is pain really that bad?

Why are you so afraid of it?

Would you feel better if the Lord decided to take him early and you weren't left in pieces because you didn't get your hopes high so you wouldn't really be disappointed? 

His heart beats! 

I could hear Jesus words: "Woman of little faith. You had to see to believe."

Oh, Father, I'm sorry.

His heart already beats and I already want to talk to him about You. 

I want to sing him the lullabies I long ago wrote for him.

On my belly, he'll hear the songs I sing only to You in our time alone, and now with him.  

I want to dream-nay, hope! I have a hope. I have a deep love.  

If he is a boy, his name is Rodolfo Alberto Zelaya Ulloa. I imagine him with his father's light brown hair and perfect smile and his mother's skin and stature.

If she is a girl, her name is Danielle Lilly Zelaya Ulloa. I imagine her with her mother's long, straight hair and her father's green eyes. 

Dear baby,

I already think of you every minute every day. 

I want to start teaching you the important things in life: like being a dog lover! 

You have three dogs you'll love to pull their ears. Don't worry, they won't bite.

They'll love to chase you on our huge backyard. 

Don't be surprised if at first they're a little jealous of you. They learn to overlook the fact that you are the center of attention when they learn you love them back. 

 Dear Lord,

Please forgive my unbelief. Your goodness has been without measure. I have no excuse to let thoughts like these take control over me. Make me seek Your Word and when in the valley of death remember You are my shepherd, not only guiding me but caring for me. I love You, Father. Thank You for the life beating inside of me and fulfilling my hopes and dreams.

I forever love You!