Silence

I've been silent for a while.
Silence. I wish I knew more of the subject.
I desire to harness it as even a fool can and be deemed wise.
Remain silent when my tongue becomes sharp in anger.
Remain silent when I strongly disagree.
Remain silent when faced with injustice.
Remain silent when tempted to murmur.
Remain silent when thinking self-righteously.

It's funny how Satan works.
I remember once hearing a pastor say that Satan could not hear our thoughts. I can't say I have any Bible reference for this, but then again right now I only recall the Bible saying that God knows our hearts and that's it. Satan knows how and where to attack us because, being always around, he knows us. And I might get on some theological discussion here because Satan is not omnipresent like God, and so we would have to wonder if it is him personally who knows us or has demons personally assign for us. Wow, I really got into some theology there. Anyways, that is not the point of the post (though feel free to comment on it).
The thing I know for sure is that the Bible says this:

Ephesians 6

12 For our struggle is not against flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the authorities, against the powers of this dark world and against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly realms.

That verse in itself has tons of theology to discuss on the subject. But back to the story.
I began to pray in silence because I didn't want Satan to hear my thoughts and my cries to God. This wasn't very effective because I don't like to pray in silence or else I fall asleep. Also, I would journal my heart out to God and I'm not supposing the Devil can't read, hehehe. I've notice a trend, however. When I pray for patience, I find myself being more impatient. When I pray for self-control, I find myself being easily angered. And when I pray for submission and respect for my husband, my mouth runs away with me. Sigh!
Seriously, I should be praying for the opposite and try some reverse psychology on myself or my devil attackers, :P. (In case you didn't get the :P, I'm joking).

I pondered on this subject and made myself two questions:
1. Is God answering my prayers by trying me harder?
2. Is the Devil taking advantage of my sinful weaknesses to make me fall harder on the very thing I just prayed for to disprove me before God?
And I've even made a third question:
3. Is it just that I am incapable to grow or change?
This third question discourages me from time to time, but then I remember my spiritual growth has nothing to do with me. It is God who is doing the completion of the work He began in me.
So I'm guessing my answer is in either one of the first two questions or both.
In answer to question 1, I find myself reminding my heart of James 1
"Consider it PURE JOY when faced with many trials."
In asnwer to question 2, I go back to that ephesians verse.
" Our struggle is not against flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the authorities, against the powers of this dark world." Maybe I should get into some theology discussion afterall. The struggle is not against any being of the dark world; it's agains the rulers, authorities, and powers of the dark world! My battle is pretty much against the strongest combatants the dark world has to offer!

Why pondering on this subject, you might ask?
Precisely the reason for my silence.
If I am grateful, I'm bombarded with more struggle and pain than when I'm not.
If I'm watchful of my attitudes, I fail more than when I'm not.
Sometimes all my meditating on being silent, respectful, praying for a quiet and gentle spirit, I throw out the window, especially after I share about it or pray it to God.
It reminds me of how it was very common for us to fight in the car with a family member on the ride home back from church. And someone (even I) would actually say: "We just came from hearing from God and this is how you're gonna act?"
Here's the little confession of why I've been absent and quiet.
Is silence the best policy?
If I never tell anyone I want to be better, they'll never realize I don't. And I'm not thinking about people here. I'm thinking God and the Devil.
I won't give God prayers to try me and the Devil less reasons to disprove me.
And here is where I'm seriously mistaken.

What is so wrong about failing? Keeping up with appearances? With other's expectations of how I should be? With my own expectations?
I remember being so preoccupied with letting my sister fail, I'd always be there correcting and guiding her to make sure she didn't make my same mistakes, or mistakes of her own for that matter.  
Now that she is grown up and on her own, I see she is ill-prepared for some of the hardships of life. Is it my fault for protecting her so? Did she need more failures to learn from to face this life in this selfish world? And now she'll have to make them. Now when life is harder and mom and dad (or big sister) aren't there.
"Pure joy when faced with many trials...."
After my last post, I was faced with many trials. Many, many trials! It lasted for days and I thought it would have no end. The words "pure joy" crossed my mind and I laugh inside sarcastically.
It wasn't untill I finally faced my trials biblically that I saw the good in the ugly trials.
As some relationships became stronger, some issues addressed, some changes and corrections started, the Spirit brought back those words: "pure joy".
Probably none of the good things that came from the trial would have happened without it.
Was I left with the need to repent and ask forgiveness? You bet.
Did it actually make me a better person? Definitely.
Does it mean I won't fail again? Absolutely not.
Must I be afraid? of what!

God knows who I am and who I've become through the blood of His Son.
The Devil knows where to attack me and where I am weak.
God says He'll be strong when I am weak.
I'm not perfect and I don't intend on pretending I am.
I can say, though, I considered it pure joy when faced with many trials.

Silence.
So much I must learn of true silence.
I will seek it and learn from it.
One thing I won't use it for anymore though, be silent of all you've done for me and in me:

Psalms 138:8

The LORD will fulfill his purpose for me;

your love, O LORD, endures forever—

do not abandon the works of your hands

Psalms 66:5

Come and see what God has done, 

 his awesome deeds for mankind!

Freedom of Speech

I've been having a hard time writing lately. Mainly because I needed time in silence.
During that time I pondered on the next question: is freedom of speech Biblical?
I think christians are the most opinionated folks there can be and I've been pondering on this as well.
I'm having a hard time organizing my thoughts to convey what's in my heart, but I'll give it a try.

My mouth runs away with me. James explains how a little organ takes over the big ship that is ourselves.
Oh, how I wish I could control it.
But the mouth speaks of what is in the heart. Solomon explains how the heart is deceitful.
The wretchedness takes over me again!
To be trapped in this sinful body!

Why was I pondering upon freedom of speech?
Because my fellow christians always voice their opinions on what comes out of me.
I began to feel jealous of the none-christian.
I see them say what is in their hearts without being bombarded with judgments and opinions.
In short words, enjoying their "right" to freedom of speech.
And when I realized I was envying those without Christ, I turned to analyze if freedom of speech was Biblical.
No, no it isn't!
The Bible says that even the fool is considered wise if he shuts his mouth.
The Bible asks us to consider that what comes out of our mouths should be for the edification of the listener and no corrupted words come out of it.
I was feeling very disturb for something I should be grateful for.

However, I think this consideration of what comes out of your mouth should also be applied when voicing your opinions to others.
My heart (pride) was so uncomfortable I was even considering leaving the church band.
The last time I sang at church a lady came to "admonish" me because I had scratched my ear on the stage and it looked unsightly. U_U
Public places come with such responsibilities!
I'm glad this quiet time has ordered the storm of thoughts in my head.
It's good that I've been taught that when in doubt: the Bible.
I can't be envying what the world has.
If my mouth that feels restrained by my fellow christians still runs away with me, what would be of me without such restrains?
It is good for my soul. It shakes and irritates my flesh.

But I was pondering on this "care."
Feeling restrained because I want to avoid their opinions and comments doesn't really do much to change my deceitful heart.
It just makes me better at not voicing what's in it.
And my heart really needs care.
Christians work so hard at the I-have-it-all-together look they are hard to relate to.
It happened to me alot during my highschool and college years. As many know, I used to be a legalist.
I would make sure my true self wouldn't show that others where embarassed to confide in me because "I didn't go" through the same temptations, weaknesses or sins.
This look I had mastered even made my leaders think I didn't need checking.
My Bible always at hand, the pastors words always my advice, my long hours in church service, no one knew of the weaknesses of my heart.
I decided I would never again hide my true self.
Yet my last post spoke of the wretchedness I felt because of my true self.
Battling with anger, bad words, bad attitudes, my true self I would like to hide indeed.
I began thinking of what the true christian care of our hearts and mouths should be.

For me it is summed in one word: accountability.
How I miss my accountable partners: Xenia and Lillian.
Xenia was one of our pastor's wife whom I would visit once a week.
She would make sure I told her what was in my heart so we could address it with what was in the Bible and what she had learned in her personal walk with Christ.
Lillian is my sister. We were recently living in different countries and, since I'm married, now living apart.
Lillian and I were accountable partners and we would share our innermost selves together and advice each other. 
I hope the youth in church knows the riches of accountability.
You weren't checked because you wanted to avoid judgment and opinions. You were checked because you chose to be checked.
This is the only cure for a deceitful heart: check it.
The Bible says the Lord examines our hearts. Shouldn't we too?

As I reminisced in the treasures of accountability and why I was missing it so much, I received a revelation: I'm not being accountable with my husband.
Sunday night my husband came back from the last church service (we both had band service this weekend, but I stayed home ill), he told he was feeling burdened.
As he opened his heart to me and I was able to console and encourage him, it was clear to me I wasn't giving him the same chance.
He should be my accountability partner.
He should know of the storm of thoughts in my head.
It is hard because he is a man with no sisters and I often snap with the "you don't understand me" response.
I have to work harder at letting him know and understand me better.
I must seek him to check my heart for he is the head of my family.
He is what God has provided for the maturity of this green, hard heart of mine.

I pray christians learn the proper way of caring for their fellow brothers and sisters in Christ.
It must be done in love and understanding; not in judgment and comments.
If you really haven't been part of someone's life, you really don't have the right to go up to him/her and voice your opinions on his/her actions!
That doesn't help at all and it only pushes away.
Still, take in consideration one of the greatest advices in the Bible:
Romans 12:9
Love must be sincere. Hate what is evil; cling to what is good.
If something good is in their opinions and comments, take it with you.
It's all good because it helps break this prideful heart.

And this heart has been prideful. It has been so confronted it was unwilling to be grateful.
Not anymore!

*390 the Spirit making the heart desire to be checked and guarded.
*391 the accountable partner given by God, my husband
*392 my sister spending lots of time with me on this sick weekend
*393 my mother being able to come home for my aunt's wedding and spend Saturday with us.
*394 my aunt getting married to her Italian prince
*395 a lovely wedding lunch with my sis, mom, and hubby
*396 losing weight because of the illness. Yay!
*397 being more responsible and serviceable at my job.
*398 Pit getting her first job
*400 the little victories Pit got in her stretching!
*401 the hubby's skin complexion improving
*402 a broken car and repair bills
*403 trouble getting the loan for the new car (grateful for the bad)
*404 my hubby's week test over
*405 hopeful for a child
*406 changes in my mind caused by being more involved in church again
*407 brothers and sisters in Christ who truly take care of me, my heart, and my mouth.
*408 the dogs to be my company when home alone.
*409 new and fast lunch ideas and recipes the hubby enjoys
*410 finding my toils under the sun easier and more enjoyable.

Dear God,
Thank You for Your Word. Where would I be desiring what the world has, when what You give is so much better?
Continue breaking this heart, mind, and will of mine. Baptize my mind and make this seed die to give birth to life for Your glory.
Teach us, Father, Your ways and that we might follow.

I love You. 

Oh joyous wretchedness

I'm stricken with indignity.
Is everything pointless?
Why read? Why study? Why pray? Why preach?
It always ends up the same; I always end up the same.
My tongue runs me over. My anger takes control. My pride resurges. I seek my own!
Is it just me without hope?
Can You change me?
Why haven't You?

Could this have been the way Paul felt when he said in Romans 7:18:

 "18 For I know that good itself does not dwell in me, that is, in my sinful nature.[c] For I have the desire to do what is good, but I cannot carry it out. 19 For I do not do the good I want to do, but the evil I do not want to do—this I keep on doing. 20 Now if I do what I do not want to do, it is no longer I who do it, but it is sin living in me that does it.

 21 So I find this law at work: Although I want to do good, evil is right there with me. 22 For in my inner being I delight in God’s law; 23 but I see another law at work in me, waging war against the law of my mind and making me a prisoner of the law of sin at work within me. 24 What a wretched man I am! Who will rescue me from this body that is subject to death? 25 Thanks be to God, who delivers me through Jesus Christ our Lord!

So then, I myself in my mind am a slave to God’s law, but in my sinful nature[d] a slave to the law of sin."

Wretched I am indeed.
My eyes overflow with tears for this helpless being I am.
The evils in my heart and mind the Lord must search and examine.
What will my reward be according to my conduct? (Jer. 17:10)
Enslaved I am.

Romans 8

1 Therefore, there is now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus, 2 because through Christ Jesus the law of the Spirit who gives life has set you free from the law of sin and death. 3 For what the law was powerless to do because it was weakened by the flesh, God did by sending his own Son in the likeness of sinful flesh to be a sin offering. And so he condemned sin in the flesh, 4in order that the righteous requirement of the law might be fully met in us, who do not live according to the flesh but according to the Spirit.

 5 Those who live according to the flesh have their minds set on what the flesh desires; but those who live in accordance with the Spirit have their minds set on what the Spirit desires. 6 The mind governed by the flesh is death, but the mind governed by the Spirit is life and peace. 7 The mind governed by the flesh is hostile to God; it does not submit to God’s law, nor can it do so. 8 Those who are in the realm of the flesh cannot please God.

 9 You, however, are not in the realm of the flesh but are in the realm of the Spirit, if indeed the Spirit of God lives in you. And if anyone does not have the Spirit of Christ, they do not belong to Christ. 10But if Christ is in you, then even though your body is subject to death because of sin, the Spirit gives life because of righteousness. 11 And if the Spirit of him who raised Jesus from the dead is living in you, he who raised Christ from the dead will also give life to your mortal bodies because of his Spirit who lives in you.

 12 Therefore, brothers and sisters, we have an obligation—but it is not to the flesh, to live according to it. 13 For if you live according to the flesh, you will die; but if by the Spirit you put to death the misdeeds of the body, you will live.

 14 For those who are led by the Spirit of God are the children of God. 15 The Spirit you received does not make you slaves, so that you live in fear again; rather, the Spirit you received brought about your adoption to sonship. And by him we cry, “Abba, Father.” 16 The Spirit himself testifies with our spirit that we are God’s children. 17 Now if we are children, then we are heirs—heirs of God and co-heirs with Christ, if indeed we share in his sufferings in order that we may also share in his glory."

"If indeed the Spirit of God lives in you..."
I ponder on this words.
Am I of You, Lord? For the misdeeds of my body are not put to death!
That which I wish not to do, I do.
The more I try, pray, search, and study the more vulnerable to this death and sin I become.
I feel it's useless!
"If indeed we share in his suffering..."
How so? Father. How can I? Am I?
I desire it.
I wish to be bound to You and Your Spirit, and not this earthly desires.
I wish to be consumed for Your Kingdom, and not my daily toils.
I wish to live by the Spirit, and not this flesh that is overtaking me.

Romans 8

"23 Not only so, but we ourselves, who have the firstfruits of the Spirit, groan inwardly as we wait eagerly for our adoption to sonship, the redemption of our bodies. 24 For in this hope we were saved. But hope that is seen is no hope at all. Who hopes for what they already have? 25 But if we hope for what we do not yet have, we wait for it patiently."

And still I must learn to be still?

Romans 8

" 37 No, in all these things we are more than conquerors through him who loved us. 38 For I am convinced that neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons,[k] neither the present nor the future, nor any powers, 39 neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord."

Am I again looking at myself and forgetting Who You are?
Do I still trust myself and my strength to do that which only You can?
Oh joyous wretchedness that I might see who I am and I may trust Who You are and all You do!
That I might kneel in heart and soul before the gracious God Who did not spare His son for me to be justified.

I pray for desire.
I pray for death to sin and life by the Spirit.
I pray as though believing I will receive what I asked.
I consider it pure joy to be in many trials.
Might I be a faithful servant to You with nothing to be ashamed of.
Amen!

On a side prayer, I wish to pray for my friends and family and the losses they have suffered.
For my mom and her family losing a beloved cousin and son.
For your faithful servant Dennis losing his dear brother.
For my sweet friends Johnny and Meli losing her cheerished Mimoris.
Confort them, Father, for the heart wonders "why" and the soul grieves with impotence and injustice.
Blessed are those who mourn, for God, King of kings, conforts them.
Amen!

Of Anger and True Friends

I asked my beautiful friend Jenny to pray for my character area of anger. She told me to study Ecclesiastes 7:9.

Eclessiastes 7:9 

Do not be quickly provoked in your spirit,

for anger resides in the lap of fools.

Right on point!
Anger resides in the lap of fools. A fool I am.
Thank heavens, ,the Lord gives a way:

Jeremiah 17

14 Heal me, LORD, and I will be healed;

save me and I will be saved,

for you are the one I praise.

Indeed heal me, Father, from my foolishness. You can't be the one I praise while my anger displays my foolishness around.
I am not one to tackle the symptom but the cause. Lately, my anger has been uncontrolable and ever present.
I lash out my anger at work, at home, alone to my husband, my peers, my computer (mainly), even politcs, myself through my grimace, my tone, my words, my actions and reactions, facebook.
I get angry at every little thing that doesn't go the way I want it: the computer program doesn't do what I programmed it to do, the meal didn't come out as I planned it, the tv or videogame doesn't work, the house isn't as clean and organized as I wanted it, the husband doesn't do things as swift as I think he should, the traffic didn't move as quickly as I had hoped, I'm not as lean as I wish I were, I didn't rest as much as I needed.. The list could go on.

"Little things." Seriously, they are and my mind knows it.
With the issues my family and I have been dealing this the past months, this is nothing.
Why am I so angry?

Jeremiah 17

9 The heart is deceitful above all things

and beyond cure.

Who can understand it?

10 “I the LORD search the heart

and examine the mind,

to reward each person according to their conduct,

according to what their deeds deserve.”

I am before You, God, asking You to reveal what is in my heart and examine my mind.
Tell me, Lord, the cause of my anger.
This little things turn me mad in the split of a second.
I haven't realized I'm angry when my tone already changed to exasperation and meanness.
I can even feel it move from my heart to my fingers, all the way down to my toes.
I try to fight it.
I hear my mind tell my heart to calm down, yet my heart already told my fist to clinch.
It's a disease in my heart that has infected my body.
I do feel it beyond cure.
What is causing it?
I shameful acknowledge I am known for being short-tempered, but not to this extent and for this reasons.

Today my beautiful daughter, Adina, sweetly admonished me for my anger lashing on facebook towards our government authorities and the desicions they take that really make our life worse. Corrupted and injust as they might be, I am still commanded to honor them.
I am not used to having friends willing to help me grow in the character areas where I'm lacking.
I wish I had more willing friends to confront this scaring angry girl.
I'm glad I have her in my life willing to give me Word and correction.
I have been pondering on my anger outbreaks (specially since my computer is going nuts) and keeping them checked.
I decided that listening to Jon Foreman's soothing and edifying song would help on the task.
As I heard Baptize my mind, I prayed the lyrics for myself and wrote them on my facebook status:
"Baptize my mind. For this seeds to give birth to life, first they must die."
I really prayed "God, help me just die to myself."
A little later, I snide commented on a status talking about the wonderful job our politics are doing with the city's streets and the traffic problem. (Linda, if you ought to grow on anger control, be rid of sarcasm :P)
This is what she wrote: (Bear in mind that she sent this via text message. How loving of her to take the time.)

" 'My dear friends, don't let public opinion influence how you live out our glorious, Christ.originated faith. Listen, dear friends. Isn't it clear by now that God operates quite differently? He chose the world's down.and.out as the kingdom's first citizens, with full rights and privileges. This kingdom is promised to anyone who love God. Dear friends, do you think you'll get anywhere in this if you learn all the right words but never do anything? Does merely talking about faith indicate that a person really has it? For instance, you come upon an old friend dressed in ragas and half-starved and say 'Good morning, friend! Be clothed in Christ! Be filled with the Holy Spirit!' and walk off without providing so much as a coat or a cup of soup. Where does that get you? Isn't it obvious that God talk without God-acts is outrageous nonsense? Do I hear you professing to believe in the one and only God, but then observe you complacently sitting back as if you had done something wonderful? That's just great. Demons do that, but what good does it do them?' (James2:1-5, 14-17,19 MSG)'
We can't say: "God, baptize my mind" and at the same time say otherwise. I'm sorry if I'm harsh, but Linds, know I love you and I also wish to grow on this area."

(This was sent at 12:45 am. First thing in the morning. :P Am I blessed or am I blessed?)

Oh, how she gets me! :)
My anger felt a hard blow to the core with this text message. My anger? My pride? Same thing.
And how transforming her words and Your Word!
I just hope their effect is not short-lived but a permanent impact.

Jeremiah 17

5 This is what the LORD says:

“Cursed is the one who trusts in man,

who draws strength from mere flesh

and whose heart turns away from the LORD.

7 “But blessed is the one who trusts in the LORD,

whose confidence is in him.

8 They will be like a tree planted by the water

that sends out its roots by the stream.

It does not fear when heat comes;

its leaves are always green.

It has no worries in a year of drought

and never fails to bear fruit.”

Adina and Jenny as bridesmaids at my wedding. Always there beside me :)

I'm an overanalyzer.
There must be a reason for me being so vulnerable to anger beyond things not going how I want them.
I confess I've even considered my hypothyroidism having a hand at this. I haven't gotten checked in almost a year and I should have gone 5 months ago!
I have been feeling it's symptoms surging and I must take action.
But I refuse to believe the cure to my heart is none other than God.
Here's my prescription from my true Healer then:
Half hour of prayer and meditation in the morning and an hour of prayer and thankfulness in the evening.
Higher dosage of Word study and memorization. Three to four chapters of reading a day and five verse memorization a week.
Asking friends to pray for me and call me out on my foolishness.
More christian music listening while at work!

Dear Father,
I'm sorry for my behaviour. I am sorry I have anger issues. I am grateful for them for I believe Your Word when You say that when I am weak, You are strong.
Thank You for my Adina and Jenny and many other wonderful friends. Thank You mainly for my husband and all the patience and love You bestow on him. Might I learn to honor with my eyes on You and let my anger pass over without sinning. May I also learn forgiveness for it is the counterpart of anger. Give me the capacity to let it go and to seek harmony, love, and compassion. Help me pursuit You way instead of the me, me, me pursuit. Whenever the "I wanted this like this" thought come to mind, remind me the right though is "Did I do it or did it turn out the way You wanted it. Thank You for Your mercy, grace,and love. You are forever wonderful!

I love You. Amen.

Blessed are those who mourn

This is a very hard gratitude monday.
My country, my family, my church were struck with horrible loss.
A fire on a town's prison causing the horrid death of more than 350 people, including a close relative of my mom's and my family. Another fire causing the loss of a whole marketplace and thousands of families' incomes. The untimely death of the brother of a beloved friend at the hands of vicious killers. All in one week!
It's been a week of crying and, for me, a search for the "why", how to understand, how to comfort.
Yesterday at the funeral of my friend's brother, all I could bring myself to tell him was: "We don't know why. We might never know. But God is powerful to comfort and console". I shared the next psalm with him:

Psalms 40:17
But I am poor and needy; yet the Lord thinketh upon me: thou art my help and my deliverer; make no tarrying, O my God.

"The Lord thinks of me." Those words resonate over and over. I'm grateful for this. My friend could only convey his pain in moans and speak of how alone he will now be with the absence of his brother. I began feeling dismay when I looked around and saw all the people coming to be at his side. "Even at times like this you can find reasons to be grateful," I thought to myself.
There are things I fear with all my heart. Will I be able to be grateful even at times like this if my fears were to come true? Would I be able to raise my head and see God's blessing in time of strenouos pain? Would I be grateful that in my affliction Jehova is thinking of me? Will I ask Him to comfort me and say "He giveth, He takes. Blessed is His name"? Or will I be filled with anger for the lot He gave me?

When peace, like a river, attendeth my way,
When sorrows like sea billows roll;
Whatever my lot, Thou has taught me to say,
It is well, it is well, with my soul.

Refrain:
It is well, with my soul,
It is well, it is well, with my soul.

Though Satan should buffet, though trials should come,
Let this blest assurance control,
That Christ has regarded my helpless estate,
And hath shed His own blood for my soul.

My sin, oh, the bliss of this glorious thought!
My sin, not in part but the whole,
Is nailed to the cross, and I bear it no more,
Praise the Lord, praise the Lord, O my soul!

For me, be it Christ, be it Christ hence to live:
If Jordan above me shall roll,
No pang shall be mine, for in death as in life
Thou wilt whisper Thy peace to my soul.

But, Lord, ’tis for Thee, for Thy coming we wait,
The sky, not the grave, is our goal;
Oh, trump of the angel! Oh, voice of the Lord!

Blessed hope, blessed rest of my soul!And Lord, haste the day when my faith shall be sight,
The clouds be rolled back as a scroll;
The trump shall resound, and the Lord shall descend,
Even so, it is well with my soul.
 
A friend of mine once shared that the author of this song had just lost all his family to a shipwreck or a disease on a ship, I think. After he heard of his family's death, he wrote this song. This is my desire, Father.
So! No hard gratitude monday. A joyful gratitude monday because the Lord is great and has done great things among us.
Mathew 5:4
4 Blessed are those who mourn,
   for they will be comforted.

I do wonder what is happening in my country for all this tragedy. We must turn our hearts to God. We must leave our sinful ways to follow You. Move my country into seeking You and use me for that purpose!

*377 We are blessed when in tears.
*378 The Lord thinks of us
*379 A country needing to turn to God
*380 Amazing leaders from whom to learn from
*381 Being given the grace to serve inspite of my sin
*382 A test to learn self-control
*383 We can comfort because we are comforted
*384 Learning money management
*385 Sewing lessons and awesome time with Izell
*386 Our first skirt! Good for dolls because we did them on scale.
*387 The gift of singing
*388 The test to wait and be still.
*389 Friends and family joining me in prayer for a baby

Love You, Jesus!

Praying for waiting

Every good deed is contagious. No doubt. Since the Prayer Friday my darling Adina started, I've felt like praying more and more.
I'll cross my fingers and hope that I have been infecting others with a grateful heart. The thing is that I am constantly contaging myself with gratitude, because it is easily "cured."

Dear God,
Today when I went to the bathroom in the morning, my body announced me I was not pregnant. I have to confess my heart was broken. Right this moment I feel teary-eyed and still a little disappointed. I'll be sure to say thank You for Your decision during these days and share it on Gratitude Monday. I know prayer includes saying thanks and not only asking, but I do want to ask You right now to guard my heart. Help me be still and learn that You are God and YOUR will WILL be done. Help me accept Your will happily and hopeful for it is good and perfect. Let my joy be known and my face be uplifted because my faith is on my King. May I trust You with no second doubts or questionings. Please comfort my heart. Before going to bed I would pray: "Give me a child I can devote to You. Give me a David or a Samuel." This is and will be my prayer; I was just really really hopeful this was my month. Feelings of fear do fill me from time to time. I get scared, Father. Please comfort my heart and appease my mind. 
I want to thank You, Father, for the example you have given me and my husband through my father and my father-in-law. They are both hard working man who when faced with hard economical times use their wit, resourcefulness, and diligence to provide for their family. They have been having some hard past years (the whole country has!), but they keep striving and trying. They are both beginning a new venture and I pray You bless them and help them gain the means to keep on being great family heads.
Please help my my mom, brother, and sister on their new life ventures living separate from each other, alone, and on their own in different countries! Help them consider it pure joy when faced with many trials, knowing that the testing of their faith produces perseverance, and let perseverance finish its work so that they may be mature and complete, not lacking anything.
I pray I might see a need and fill a need. May I not live my days for myself and seeking my own. Might I be Your hands and feet. Might I always shout how grateful I am for You in my life.

Love You Lord. 

A Thing between God and me

Have you ever gone through heart break?
I never considered myself a hopeless romantic, but after what I'm about to write I am sure I'll be considered one.
I fell "in love" for the first time when I was 14 yrs old. The guy was a very close and dear friend. At first, I remember I use to dislike him because all the other girls thought he was "all that!" and I was a very against-the-flow kind of girl; but as I got know him and got to know the heart he had for God, I fell for him too. The difference was other girls were infatuated with his man's man pressence, and I fell hard for his heart.

Our church forbids dating and he was in line to become a youth leader. I kept my feelings to myself and tried my best to be a good friend to him. When he confessed his feelings to me, I knew the church wouldn't allow us to continue to be friends because of the temptation our friendship represented. And so, for almost 10 yrs, he barely spoke to me again.
This is a guy I had never even given him a hug or a farewall kiss on the cheek. We never had any sort of relationship or interactions out of the norm of a friendship. He was a radical Christian who would admonish me if I listen to non-christian music. Eventhough literally nothing happen between us, I was heartbroken. To have someone who was very dear to you just plain and simple never talk to you again, to lose that dear friendship, and also to have your dreams shattered is very painful. I can think of a couple of friends of mine who can relate.

Heartbreak is a hard thing to deal with when you are a teenager. You feel everything out of proportion. I think I cried more for this heartbreak than for the one when my parents got divorced. But this time it was very different. During this heartbreak I knew God.

During the first days, weeks, and months of this heartbreak, I would tell my close girlfriends how I was feeling, cry with them, sulk, talk about him for hours reminiscing. And I noticed my girlfriends where getting a little tired of the same conversation over and over again, but I wanted to keep telling it over and over again. Time does not heal wounds. I think what happens is that you get use to them and their pain, so you learn to live with it. And although time passed, I was still heartbroken. I would see him avoiding me all the time, see him change his friends or his hanging out with our mutual friends so as to not coincide. I would see him grow as a person and a christian and realize I was not a part of his life. That was whole new brand of pain I was not used to.

I remember I would find joy on what I came to call "relationship crumbs," tiny glimpses of interactions like him saying hi because we were serving in the church band together or having to sit next to each other because the chair next to me was the only one empty and he couldn't avoid it. And this crumbs that got my hopes up would also create other brands of pain over and over again.  

And for more days, weeks, and months and this new pain surging, I would seek comfort from friends, false hopes, and even anger and hatred towards him. 
Why am I being so open and honest with this post? It's come to my attention I'm not alone. Many people of many ages go through the same thing, but this is a great opportunity. I would even call it the best thing that ever happened to me. This is not something you cure with pills or therapy; it's not something that goes away after hearing counsel or words of wisdoem. As Jesus once told his disciples, this only goes away with hard praying and fasting, but it needs an extra ingredient: a new love.

"Best thing that ever happened to you?" you may ask. "She doesn't know my kind of heartbreak then" you might reply.
Quoting Charles Dickens, "It was the best of times. It was the worst of times." This kind of pain can't be shared with other people. You might have really good friends but you get tiring and selfish and selfcentered. There is only one Who can stand by your side. You got it! Jesus!

It was about that time that I started journaling. I would pretty much write down every feeling, every thought, every impression, every hope and expectation, every dream and desperation, EVERYTHING and say it to God. Journaling revealed hidden treasures. When I began an entry, I would begin pouring out my heart. If I was feeling desolate and in despair, I would then turn to write of what He says in His Word of what I was feeling (this meant I spent alot of time in His Word beforehand). I kept on writing things like"Yes, I know Your Word says Your are always by me and never forsake me, but I do feel alone. And yes, I know I must seek first the kingdom of God but that doesn't mean I don't have feelings!" And as the entry progressed, I somehow felt uplifted and encouraged. "Oh Lord, teach me to trust You wholeheartedly. Thank You because You always listen and I can comfort because I am comforted by the King. Today a friend was in need of comfort and I was too engulfed on my own need to notice. Tomorrow I'll go share of this comfort Your love has given me." The hidden treasure on journaling was the written evidence of a transformed heart by God. At times I would read old entries and wonder "Did I write that?" and I was pretty sure I hadn't. I had only been the hand; God had spoken and comforted me. Those were even greater treasures. But those treasures are a Thing between God and me.

I would cry a lot in secret and silence where only God knew I had and I only told him why. I stopped publicizing my pain and just kept it between us. I would stay up all night just praying and begging Him to make me only desire Him. Nobody knew I had been up all night. I didn't understand how I felt fresh and rested the next day at school. Just God and I knew we had spent the night together in tears and laughter, and those night were a Thing between God and me.

During this time I also started writing songs of this times alone with the Lord. Most songs have only been heard by Him for they were only for Him. Even today as a married woman, I still can't write songs that are not for God. Nothing was majestic enough to inspire me. There was too much beauty in Him and His love for me for me to notice anything else worth singing to. Singing to Him brought joy and peace to my heart like nothing else did. I was very lucky to get the most secluded room in the house, because my hours of writing, composing, and singing were usually after 12 am. My songs are a Thing between God and me. 

Today, I don't remember much of that heartbreak. I don't even remember why it hurt so much for such a long time. All I remember is that I got a whole bunch of things that are only a thing between God and me. All I remember is this amazing relationship that was personal, real, and even secret. I believe that time was the corner stone of my relationship with God.
! Corinthians 7: 34
An unmarried woman or virgin is concerned about the Lord’s affairs: Her aim is to be devoted to the Lord in both body and spirit. But a married woman is concerned about the affairs of this world—how she can please her husband

This is so true. The Things between God and me are not the same as when I was only concerned about the Lord's affairs as an unmarried woman. Cheerish this time, treasure it! Times only get harder and if you don't have a strong, wonderful, personal relationship with God when He is your only concern, those times will only be harder and lonelier because You won't have the experience of having only held on from God. If you do, you will have a rock foundation on which to build up when storms hit again, because heartbreak is around the corner, but God is too and He is mightier!
Are you in heartbreak today? Let is be the best thing that ever happened to you!

PS: this post would have been perfect for Valentines... lol! God's love was there for you yesterday. Did you remember to love Him back?