On worrying and new cars!

Some bad things are "blessing in disguise."
The same could be said of good things. They are "troubles in disguise"?
I'm wondering this about our new car.

I had been suspicious that I might be pregnant for almost two weeks.
I kept telling myself I would do the pregnancy test after we purchased the car so I wouldn't feel burdened by spending our savings on the car when a little one was on the way.
I couldn't take it anymore and I did the pregnancy test before the purchase.
When I read that positive my heart was racing with joy, but my always ahead of time head was already worrying. I began considering to cut my car budget to have saved money for the baby.

It was heart breaking. Even at the top of our budget, we couldn't find a decent car or a car at all!
We were buying a used car, FYI (No way on earth we could afford a new car at this time)
Buying a used car is a little like gambling. You might win, but chances of lossing are always higher. After going to several car sales where most of them just turned us around because they had nothing in our budget or showed us awful old cars, we finally found a car we both immediately liked. It looked like its previous owner kept it in optimal conditions. Its interior was prestine, the exterior was without a single bump or dent. The only thing  we could spot on the car was sun damage on the paint. The price was way out of out budget. Almost 1000$ over. We told the buyer our top budget and he accepted dropping the price after an hour or so of negotiating.

The car was a little bigger than what we were intending to buy.
We wanted a more fuel efficient car.
The thing about fuel efficient cars is: their owners don't part with them easily.
We couldn't find any! If we did, they were way above budget. If we did, they were in terrible conditions. We could have never reselled it.

The car is going to spend more on gas than our previous car. This kept a heavy weight on my heart.
But the amount of money we have been spending lately on transportation placed us in desperation.
We have been spending a fortune fixing the car we previously used which was borrowed. We spent 20% of the budget we had for our OWN car on another's car. This really brought me down.
Since the other car has been in the shop for more than a month now, we have been spending a LOT of money on taxi fairs (No, I can't take the bus or shared cabs because I have to carry my work Laptop). And all this was eating away the money for the car. It could not be postponed anymore.

We could not pay the price we had negotiated with the seller. We asked him if we could pay 90% of the money and the rest 10% next month. The hubs prayed to God that if he didn't accept the offer, the car was not from Him. He accepted. We kept on looking though, kept on hoping to find something that suited better our needs. We searched everywhere but nothing.
And so we bought a car.
We were careful and sought advice. My father-in-law was gracious enough to accompany us to see the car a second time. He was more thorough on checking the engine, the oil, the wiring, the chassis with the hubs. We took it for a test drive and it seemed to be in perfect conditions. He gave it an ok.

We have a car. Our own car.
I should be jumping up and down.
It is really a relief not to worry how I'm gonna get to work or home, no longer have to worry that my laptop gets robbed. It is a relief I no longer have to spend my money on other's property.

Is the car really a blessing and I'm just falling into my old bad habits of worrying for everything?
I mean, I worry about every single purchase I make.
It didn't matter I no longer had cloths to wear to work, if I spent 200$ on a new wordrobe, I'd go home feeling this same pressing on my chest.
The shoes I wear to work are worst than a scary movie; they practically seem to scream!
I even felt this way when we purchased our bed and washing machine, eventhough sleeping on two old mattresses was giving me back problems and morning aches and we had to drive our clothes to our in-laws and spend their electricity and water only doing one load per week!

Why does the "He has never forsaken you" takes so long to sink in when the "how on earth are we gonna make it?" has front row tickets to your mind?
"We also have to move to a bigger house," my mind is also reminding me. Our current house (more like an apart though it is a stand-alone little house) is too small for a new member and we have serious dust issues. All the windows of my house are ducktaped because we live infront of an unpaved street that passing cars lift enormous amounts of dust inside everyday. If I clean the dust, by afternoon it will seem like I haven't dusted in days. I can't imagine how it would be if the windows weren't sealed!
"So, to sum it all up," the mind keeps saying, "you have to pay the loan for the car, pay more on gas, pay more on rent for a bigger house, and still make all your other bills!"

Nine months! The baby won't be here for another nine months. Thank heavens! One step at a time. One step at a time is all you can take.
Step 1: you bought a car. hooray! (celebrate, don't stress)
Step 2: right now you can pay the car and the gas with your income and still be ok still living in your old house.
Step 3: The hubs is looking for a part time job.
Step 4: After that, you'll be able to start looking for a new house.
Step 5: The baby is coming, but God is your provider.

I can't let worrying take over me. It is a luxury I can no longer indulge. I must lay my burdens on Him. I MUST!
People always aked us how were we going to afford a baby with my hubs still in school and me at work?
My answer always was: I don't worry about that. When the time comes, the Lord will provide.
This is the Child the Lord gave us.

Psalm 127:3

Lo, children are a heritage of the LORD: and the fruit of the womb is his reward.

Psalm 37:25

I have been young and now am old, yet have I not seen the righteous forsaken or their seed begging bread. 

The time has come. It is time for me to trust the Lord as convincingly as I told others I wasn't worried.
I wasn't. I am not!
A child is a blessing. A blessing I've been longing. I will not let it be shadowed by my insecurities or the economy and society.
God says children are His gifts. It is a gift!

So, a little list on worrying:
1. Worrying accomplishes absolutely nothing. (so why worry?)

Matthew 6:27-29 

Can all your worries add a single moment to your life? And why worry about your clothing? Look at the lilies of the field and how they grow. They don't work or make their clothing, yet Solomon in all his glory was not dressed as beautifully as they are. 

2. Worrying is not good for me or the baby.

Proverbs 12:25 

Worry weighs a person down; an encouraging word cheers a person up. 

3. Worrying is the opposite of trusting God.

Matthew 6:30 

And if God cares so wonderfully for wildflowers that are here today and thrown into the fire tomorrow, he will certainly care for you. Why do you have so little faith?

Philippians 4:6-7 

Don't worry about anything; instead, pray about everything. Tell God what you need, and thank him for all he has done. Then you will experience God’s peace, which exceeds anything we can understand. His peace will guard your hearts and minds as you live in Christ Jesus.4. Worrying puts my focus on the wrong direction.

4. Worrying puts my focus on the wrong direction.

Matthew 6:25 

That is why I tell you not to worry about everyday life-whether you have enough food and drink, or enough clothes to wear. Isn't life more than food, and your body more than clothing?

Matthew 6:31-33 

So don't worry about these things, saying, 'What will we eat? What will we drink? What will we wear?' These things dominate the thoughts of unbelievers, but your heavenly Father already knows all your needs. Seek the Kingdom of God above all else, and live righteously, and he will give you everything you need.

1 Peter 5:7 

Give all your worries and cares to God, for he cares about you. 

And the little list of  gratitude:

*439 a positive in a home pregnancy test and a blood test. All I'm missing is a doctor's appointment. Bear with me, this weekend I could only get the lab tests done and the car purchase. 

*440 I'm gonna be a mommy!!!!!!! YES!!!!

*441 Our own very first car!!! YES! The hubs is beyond himself with joy. 

*442 A hubby spoiling her wife by taking care of everything in the house so she can rest.

*443 a very caring very loving hubby who puts me first.

*444 a hard working hubby studying all weekend for his upcoming test. May the Lord bless his result today!

*445 a hubby that will look for a job and work hard at work and school for his family.

*446 no morning sickness yet! Just a few headaches.

*447 the puppies starting to get along.

*448 fumoffu coping better with her new house, her new sisters, and her new food.

*449 how much money we make is not our sense of security!

*450 the Lord is our provider and carer, who or what shall I fear?

*451 a loving Lord that answers prayer and sends gift in His time

*452 His will is good and perfect!

*453 fumoffu finally slept outside and allowed us to sleep.

*454 a shower of congratulations from excited friends. Ecstatic aunts and uncles! 

*455 a lovely dinner at Johnny's enjoying Mel's cooking.

For He has been mindful of His servant!

I Samuel 1

 ¹⁰ In her deep anguish Hannah prayed to the LORD, weeping bitterly. ¹¹ And she made a vow, saying, “LORD Almighty, if you will only look on your servant’s misery and remember me, and not forget your servant but give her a son, then I will give him to the LORD for all the days of his life, and no razor will ever be used on his head.”

¹⁷ Eli answered, “Go in peace, and may the God of Israel grant you what you have asked of him.”

Yes, I can understand how she feels. 

My heart sinks low in my stomach when I see a baby.

I have prayed to the Lord for a child. 

Like Hannah, I long for children to give to the Lord.

I desire for Him to title my husband "father" through me. 

I've had friends and family join me in this prayer. 

I was not yet in the weeping state, just in the fiercely longing and praying.

I allowed fears cloud my mind and forget the God that I trust. 

Certainly, no the God Mary was singing to:

Luke 1

“My soul glorifies the Lord 

 ⁴⁷ and my spirit rejoices in God my Savior, 

⁴⁸ for he has been mindful 

   of the humble state of his servant. 

From now on all generations will call me blessed, 

 ⁴⁹ for the Mighty One has done great things for me— 

   holy is his name. 

⁵⁰ His mercy extends to those who fear him, 

   from generation to generation.

Nothing will ever compare to the blessing the Lord gave Mary,

but I can think of one really, really close. 

It is not official yet. 

I will try to go see a doctor tomorrow. 

I'd go today if I could. 

Some minutes ago, my pregnancy test was POSITIVE!!!!

AHHHHHHHHHHH!!!

I don't know what to think!

I don't know how to feel.

I'm shaking as I write this down.

I'm tearful.

My cheeks hurt from so much smiling. 

If everything goes right and this is true, there is a child growing in me. 

My child is growing in me!

Oh Lord, Oh Lord!

Thank You!

The Lord has heard my cry and answered my plead.

He has showed me His inmense mercy upon me once more.

I can't fathom His goodness and love. 

I'm humbled and grateful.

My God is an awesome God.

Aunts and Uncles out there (You know who you are that I'm talking about!) be prepared!

The Zelaya-Ulloa hurricane is coming to town!!!!!!!

"Like my mother...  To be like my mother." That was the prayer!
Mommy, God heard us! 

:')

Don't Forget!

Jeremiah 20

9 But if I say, “I will not mention his word 

or speak anymore in his name,” 

his word is in my heart like a fire, 

a fire shut up in my bones. 

I am weary of holding it in; 

indeed, I cannot.

I always try to point out on my blog that this blog is not me trying to teach anyone anything.
I write because I love to write and I want to become better at it.
I write because I have much in my mind that usually comes out of my mouth, BUT when I put it on writing, my thoughts can be organized, scrutinized (by me, this is not an invitation!), corrected (yes, my thoughts are not all gems), directed (usually by scripture, God, or loving friends and family), and shared in an edited environment (oh, if we could rethink, reread, and edit what we say more often). You have no idea how many posts are stored on my blog but never published.

As I was saying, I do not mean to say what is right or not or convince you of anything. I do however wish with all my heart to be continually learning. I try to write down the things I've been and still am being taught and  thus my blog does teaches me. I've spoken of the beauty of journaling. To me it's like the altars Abraham used to erect whenever God had done something in his life. We see Abraham making many altars for what happened in specific situations and tell us it was for the purpose of remembering what God had done.
The striking thing about this is that the times for which Abraham made those altars is not easily forgotten; or is it?

We forget. When the clouds darken, the winds blow hard, and the light is dim, we forget it was once sunny, bright, and warm. We forget it WILL be sunny, bright, and warm once again. I forget. A LOT! I forget how loving and caring my husband is when we have an off day. I forget how serviceable and diligent he is when something didn't get done. I forget how patient and longsuffering he is with me when he (rarely) is angry or frustrated. I forget how God has never left us wanting when I see our bank account status. I forget to ponder and praise Him for His death and resurrection when I'm too busy and tired with travelings. I forget to meditate on how humbling it was for Him to be born with all the Holiday fuzz. I forget I must love Him with all my heart, mind, and strength when I am consumed by my everyday toils and I haven't given Him a thought. I forget the teachings about patience, prudence, modesty, goodness, longsuffering, joy in all situations, gratefulness for all things, love, and much more He took and takes me through.

As I read back a former post or curl in the sofa with one of my old journals, I am once again amazed of how good He is to me. How lucky I am to have God in my life and had been given purpose to live for His glory. What would have been of me had I not had Him? This I need to remind myself. Never forget you are nothing without Him!

Abraham's altars also had the purpose of reminding those around him what God had done in His life and even had done in their lives. God's works are the only thing you can show off. This is why I find peace when I hit the publish button. When someone tells me they could relate to something I posted, or they were encouraged from what I had been through and how it turned out, it's clear to me that it's God's work in my life that has the impact. Nothing about me or my life is encouraging or inspirational. Everything about God is! It maddens me to no end when a friend went to a Christian seminar and I ask: "How was it?" and he/she answers: "Good" and that's all he/she "shares."  When God's Word moves me, I want it to move you. If gratefulness is changing my life, I want it to bear fruit in yours too. If my mind is constantly thinking "Consider it pure joy when faced with many trials..", I want it on your mind too. If what God is doing in your life doesn't impact me, there is probably two reasons behind it:
1. You don't open up enough to really show what God is doing in you. (Probably too shy or proud to open up your life).
2. You aren't seeking Him.

Seriously, if you don't hear me talking to you of what God is doing in me, ask me how my relationship with Him is, because I'm most certainly not seeking Him (reason 1 will almost never apply to me. No surprise there!).

Remember His blessings and share them:
*427 a nice trip with my hubby and my brothers-in-law
*428 a trip to Honduras' biggest zoo. I had so much fun feeding carrots to the jiraffe "Big Boy"
*429 the hub's relatives lending us their house eventhough they were away. How kind of them
*430 a nice pool day
*431 movie night in SPS
*432 an exciting banana ride on the beach of Cortes. The banana was going so fast and was poorly inflated it turned over and dropped us three times. It took a lot of swimming and upper body strength to get untop of the banana again, but it was fun every time. These banana trips are a tradition with us and the hub's bros.
*433 a scrumptious sopa marinera (yes, I have no idea right now how to say that in English. What?)
*434 time with my hub's family, It's hard for me for they aren't Christians but it's part of my duties of honoring my husband to spend time with them. I was very lucky their niece Patty is into singing, so she and I were able to go apart on our own and do a little singing. I enjoyed my time with her very much.
*435 we saw... a comet???? We don't exactly know what it was. It was a green burning ball with a white tail that went across the sky really fast. We had debates on what it was and what each had seen. Some thought it was a flare, others thought is was a jet about to crash, and others speculated on aliens. It was a highlight of the night for sure.
*436 Fumoffu came home safe and sound.

This was the toughest part of the trip. We were anxious because my mom had been told in Mexico we would need a vet to get her out of the airport. Where on earth am I going to find a vet in an unknown city at 9 pm on Easter Thursday?!! It took three trips to the airport, money paid for all the papers (ouch), and a lot of praying to get her out. Luckily, the guys handling her papers where so desperate to go home and not miss the last bus, they released her pretty fast. I left the airport at 10-ish pm when I was told I'd probably be done at 1 am with luck.
*437 finally home to sleep in my good ol' bed. Home is not where the heart is; it's were you sleep more comfortably. There is another version to this saying. If you know it, know that I also completely agree. :P
*438 Sunday spent with my sister just the two of us. Best days!


  

The Unexpected

My husband very lovingly was teaching me a lesson on dealing with the unexpected.
The unexpected will hit you without notice.
You can't be prepared for it and, seeing how I am a control freak, it's hard for me to deal with.
The unexpected has striken our family.
Never did I imagine that in my first year of marriage I would be diagnosed with a life-long disease.
The unexpected hits us hardest on the financial department.
Being raised by a single mother, I would think I would have some experience fencing the unexpected.
I sure had my mother's example to learn from.
Lesson learnt during those unexpected years: God has never forsaken us.
It is the first thing I remind my mother when in struggle or she reminds me.
It has been pretty marked; His pressence that is.

My husbands first reminder to me is: "This too is within God's will."
For years I've been learning not to be fearful of the future; to put my trust in God.
I've been finding myself fearful of the unexpected a little too much and it's time to break the myths.
"What if I can't get pregnant? What if my kids are born even more unhealthy than me? Will we ever be able to have financial peace of mind? Will I be able to be a stay-at-home mom? Will I be healthy enough to give my husband a happy home?"
"He has never forsaken us," my mother tells me always.

A 24 year old mother of three with no labor experience must have had greater fears of the unexpected.
One thing that was not unexpected, it was planned by the Lord, He decided long ago in His perfect will: my mother. The true heroin and princess in my childhood stories. Maybe not a fairytale but a victorious love story. And her prince, our prince, was the center of our home: Jesus. And I want to have the opportunity to be just like her.
I've been thinking though, that if I were to be pregnant this year, it wouldn't be unexpected but it would certainly be challenging. My mother's example and my Savior's ever present hand gives me hope and they should also be making me brave.

I learned this week that the unexpected is two faced coin.
Take for instance my lovely weekend.
We spent the night at a friends car wash that has a pool table and trampoling playing and laughing with friends till 2 in the morning.
My brothers-in-law had an inflatable pool borrowed and we set it up on our backyard, at 2 in the morning when we got home. Spent the whole night playing video games. Had breakfast at 9am and spent the day at the small but refrehsing pool, eating pizza and laughing at everything.
It felt like being teenagers again, and we (the hubs and I) don't have many of those days.
Curiously enough, I didn't go to work on Monday morning feeling tired at all.
I even felt light-hearted about having to work during a week were everybody else is on vacation.
It was unplanned and unexpected (which I normally hate) and yet very enjoyable. My heart was happy and satisfied.

The unexpected hit us again last night. I received a call from mom saying that we have to travel to San Pedro Sula to pick up our dog Fumoffu from the airport. Fumoffu is our honduran dog that we took with us to Mexico. My mom is living in Panama City now and my brother will have to move to an apartment where dogs aren't allowed. Fumoffu is too much a part of the family to give her away so she is returning to her homeland until my brother finishes college and comes for her. My brother and she are inseparable. Fortunately, my mother got us my uncle's car borrowed and we will be traveling this week afterall! We weren't gonna travel for lack of car and now we'll get to change scenary! I'm so excited!
I really didn't want to stay home watching movies all week. God is so faithful!

It's a good lesson my husband was trying to teach me. The unexpected is unexpected. You can't prepare for it and you can't control it. It has it's purpose and it's in God's hands. He never forskaes us. Never!
There will be much unexpected heading our way. I'll still learn not to be afraid and trust. Today, my unexpected is making me smile; my unexpected is God.

*411 an amazing unexpected weekend with boys in my living room, water puddles all over the house, mess everywhere, unhealthy fast food, sleepless, sunburned, and happy as the heart can be.
*412 my mother's example and reminders.
*413 seeing my sister happy for her new job.
*414 my dad taking the first vacation with his family in a very, very long time.
*415 the hubby and I traveling this week!!!!! Maybe I'll get to go to the beach!
*416 my boss giving me Wednesday off. I had to work till 12 pm but my boss is gonna give me the day in exchange for last Saturday that I had to come to work.
*417 our car budget will be enough to get us what the Lord has instored for us.
*418 we were finally and with lots of sacrifice able to save our car budget, although it was not what I had hoped for.
*419 my father-in-law seeing his work pay off and start to lift off.
*420 fumoffu being added to our family. Hope Terry and Lanky get along with her.
*421 an understanding hubby that welcomes fumoffu to our home.
*422 better relationship with my coordinator. becoming friends at last.
*423 friends that visit and come for dinner. Loved having you Danny and Jenny!
*424 friends we had over last week: Johnny and Meli!
*425 a hubby willing to learn to understand his ineffable wife.
*426 adding more veggies, raw food, whole wheats, and fruits to our meals and the hubs enjoying them and eating them all. Yes, he is my little kid right now! :P

Silence

I've been silent for a while.
Silence. I wish I knew more of the subject.
I desire to harness it as even a fool can and be deemed wise.
Remain silent when my tongue becomes sharp in anger.
Remain silent when I strongly disagree.
Remain silent when faced with injustice.
Remain silent when tempted to murmur.
Remain silent when thinking self-righteously.

It's funny how Satan works.
I remember once hearing a pastor say that Satan could not hear our thoughts. I can't say I have any Bible reference for this, but then again right now I only recall the Bible saying that God knows our hearts and that's it. Satan knows how and where to attack us because, being always around, he knows us. And I might get on some theological discussion here because Satan is not omnipresent like God, and so we would have to wonder if it is him personally who knows us or has demons personally assign for us. Wow, I really got into some theology there. Anyways, that is not the point of the post (though feel free to comment on it).
The thing I know for sure is that the Bible says this:

Ephesians 6

12 For our struggle is not against flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the authorities, against the powers of this dark world and against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly realms.

That verse in itself has tons of theology to discuss on the subject. But back to the story.
I began to pray in silence because I didn't want Satan to hear my thoughts and my cries to God. This wasn't very effective because I don't like to pray in silence or else I fall asleep. Also, I would journal my heart out to God and I'm not supposing the Devil can't read, hehehe. I've notice a trend, however. When I pray for patience, I find myself being more impatient. When I pray for self-control, I find myself being easily angered. And when I pray for submission and respect for my husband, my mouth runs away with me. Sigh!
Seriously, I should be praying for the opposite and try some reverse psychology on myself or my devil attackers, :P. (In case you didn't get the :P, I'm joking).

I pondered on this subject and made myself two questions:
1. Is God answering my prayers by trying me harder?
2. Is the Devil taking advantage of my sinful weaknesses to make me fall harder on the very thing I just prayed for to disprove me before God?
And I've even made a third question:
3. Is it just that I am incapable to grow or change?
This third question discourages me from time to time, but then I remember my spiritual growth has nothing to do with me. It is God who is doing the completion of the work He began in me.
So I'm guessing my answer is in either one of the first two questions or both.
In answer to question 1, I find myself reminding my heart of James 1
"Consider it PURE JOY when faced with many trials."
In asnwer to question 2, I go back to that ephesians verse.
" Our struggle is not against flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the authorities, against the powers of this dark world." Maybe I should get into some theology discussion afterall. The struggle is not against any being of the dark world; it's agains the rulers, authorities, and powers of the dark world! My battle is pretty much against the strongest combatants the dark world has to offer!

Why pondering on this subject, you might ask?
Precisely the reason for my silence.
If I am grateful, I'm bombarded with more struggle and pain than when I'm not.
If I'm watchful of my attitudes, I fail more than when I'm not.
Sometimes all my meditating on being silent, respectful, praying for a quiet and gentle spirit, I throw out the window, especially after I share about it or pray it to God.
It reminds me of how it was very common for us to fight in the car with a family member on the ride home back from church. And someone (even I) would actually say: "We just came from hearing from God and this is how you're gonna act?"
Here's the little confession of why I've been absent and quiet.
Is silence the best policy?
If I never tell anyone I want to be better, they'll never realize I don't. And I'm not thinking about people here. I'm thinking God and the Devil.
I won't give God prayers to try me and the Devil less reasons to disprove me.
And here is where I'm seriously mistaken.

What is so wrong about failing? Keeping up with appearances? With other's expectations of how I should be? With my own expectations?
I remember being so preoccupied with letting my sister fail, I'd always be there correcting and guiding her to make sure she didn't make my same mistakes, or mistakes of her own for that matter.  
Now that she is grown up and on her own, I see she is ill-prepared for some of the hardships of life. Is it my fault for protecting her so? Did she need more failures to learn from to face this life in this selfish world? And now she'll have to make them. Now when life is harder and mom and dad (or big sister) aren't there.
"Pure joy when faced with many trials...."
After my last post, I was faced with many trials. Many, many trials! It lasted for days and I thought it would have no end. The words "pure joy" crossed my mind and I laugh inside sarcastically.
It wasn't untill I finally faced my trials biblically that I saw the good in the ugly trials.
As some relationships became stronger, some issues addressed, some changes and corrections started, the Spirit brought back those words: "pure joy".
Probably none of the good things that came from the trial would have happened without it.
Was I left with the need to repent and ask forgiveness? You bet.
Did it actually make me a better person? Definitely.
Does it mean I won't fail again? Absolutely not.
Must I be afraid? of what!

God knows who I am and who I've become through the blood of His Son.
The Devil knows where to attack me and where I am weak.
God says He'll be strong when I am weak.
I'm not perfect and I don't intend on pretending I am.
I can say, though, I considered it pure joy when faced with many trials.

Silence.
So much I must learn of true silence.
I will seek it and learn from it.
One thing I won't use it for anymore though, be silent of all you've done for me and in me:

Psalms 138:8

The LORD will fulfill his purpose for me;

your love, O LORD, endures forever—

do not abandon the works of your hands

Psalms 66:5

Come and see what God has done, 

 his awesome deeds for mankind!

Freedom of Speech

I've been having a hard time writing lately. Mainly because I needed time in silence.
During that time I pondered on the next question: is freedom of speech Biblical?
I think christians are the most opinionated folks there can be and I've been pondering on this as well.
I'm having a hard time organizing my thoughts to convey what's in my heart, but I'll give it a try.

My mouth runs away with me. James explains how a little organ takes over the big ship that is ourselves.
Oh, how I wish I could control it.
But the mouth speaks of what is in the heart. Solomon explains how the heart is deceitful.
The wretchedness takes over me again!
To be trapped in this sinful body!

Why was I pondering upon freedom of speech?
Because my fellow christians always voice their opinions on what comes out of me.
I began to feel jealous of the none-christian.
I see them say what is in their hearts without being bombarded with judgments and opinions.
In short words, enjoying their "right" to freedom of speech.
And when I realized I was envying those without Christ, I turned to analyze if freedom of speech was Biblical.
No, no it isn't!
The Bible says that even the fool is considered wise if he shuts his mouth.
The Bible asks us to consider that what comes out of our mouths should be for the edification of the listener and no corrupted words come out of it.
I was feeling very disturb for something I should be grateful for.

However, I think this consideration of what comes out of your mouth should also be applied when voicing your opinions to others.
My heart (pride) was so uncomfortable I was even considering leaving the church band.
The last time I sang at church a lady came to "admonish" me because I had scratched my ear on the stage and it looked unsightly. U_U
Public places come with such responsibilities!
I'm glad this quiet time has ordered the storm of thoughts in my head.
It's good that I've been taught that when in doubt: the Bible.
I can't be envying what the world has.
If my mouth that feels restrained by my fellow christians still runs away with me, what would be of me without such restrains?
It is good for my soul. It shakes and irritates my flesh.

But I was pondering on this "care."
Feeling restrained because I want to avoid their opinions and comments doesn't really do much to change my deceitful heart.
It just makes me better at not voicing what's in it.
And my heart really needs care.
Christians work so hard at the I-have-it-all-together look they are hard to relate to.
It happened to me alot during my highschool and college years. As many know, I used to be a legalist.
I would make sure my true self wouldn't show that others where embarassed to confide in me because "I didn't go" through the same temptations, weaknesses or sins.
This look I had mastered even made my leaders think I didn't need checking.
My Bible always at hand, the pastors words always my advice, my long hours in church service, no one knew of the weaknesses of my heart.
I decided I would never again hide my true self.
Yet my last post spoke of the wretchedness I felt because of my true self.
Battling with anger, bad words, bad attitudes, my true self I would like to hide indeed.
I began thinking of what the true christian care of our hearts and mouths should be.

For me it is summed in one word: accountability.
How I miss my accountable partners: Xenia and Lillian.
Xenia was one of our pastor's wife whom I would visit once a week.
She would make sure I told her what was in my heart so we could address it with what was in the Bible and what she had learned in her personal walk with Christ.
Lillian is my sister. We were recently living in different countries and, since I'm married, now living apart.
Lillian and I were accountable partners and we would share our innermost selves together and advice each other. 
I hope the youth in church knows the riches of accountability.
You weren't checked because you wanted to avoid judgment and opinions. You were checked because you chose to be checked.
This is the only cure for a deceitful heart: check it.
The Bible says the Lord examines our hearts. Shouldn't we too?

As I reminisced in the treasures of accountability and why I was missing it so much, I received a revelation: I'm not being accountable with my husband.
Sunday night my husband came back from the last church service (we both had band service this weekend, but I stayed home ill), he told he was feeling burdened.
As he opened his heart to me and I was able to console and encourage him, it was clear to me I wasn't giving him the same chance.
He should be my accountability partner.
He should know of the storm of thoughts in my head.
It is hard because he is a man with no sisters and I often snap with the "you don't understand me" response.
I have to work harder at letting him know and understand me better.
I must seek him to check my heart for he is the head of my family.
He is what God has provided for the maturity of this green, hard heart of mine.

I pray christians learn the proper way of caring for their fellow brothers and sisters in Christ.
It must be done in love and understanding; not in judgment and comments.
If you really haven't been part of someone's life, you really don't have the right to go up to him/her and voice your opinions on his/her actions!
That doesn't help at all and it only pushes away.
Still, take in consideration one of the greatest advices in the Bible:
Romans 12:9
Love must be sincere. Hate what is evil; cling to what is good.
If something good is in their opinions and comments, take it with you.
It's all good because it helps break this prideful heart.

And this heart has been prideful. It has been so confronted it was unwilling to be grateful.
Not anymore!

*390 the Spirit making the heart desire to be checked and guarded.
*391 the accountable partner given by God, my husband
*392 my sister spending lots of time with me on this sick weekend
*393 my mother being able to come home for my aunt's wedding and spend Saturday with us.
*394 my aunt getting married to her Italian prince
*395 a lovely wedding lunch with my sis, mom, and hubby
*396 losing weight because of the illness. Yay!
*397 being more responsible and serviceable at my job.
*398 Pit getting her first job
*400 the little victories Pit got in her stretching!
*401 the hubby's skin complexion improving
*402 a broken car and repair bills
*403 trouble getting the loan for the new car (grateful for the bad)
*404 my hubby's week test over
*405 hopeful for a child
*406 changes in my mind caused by being more involved in church again
*407 brothers and sisters in Christ who truly take care of me, my heart, and my mouth.
*408 the dogs to be my company when home alone.
*409 new and fast lunch ideas and recipes the hubby enjoys
*410 finding my toils under the sun easier and more enjoyable.

Dear God,
Thank You for Your Word. Where would I be desiring what the world has, when what You give is so much better?
Continue breaking this heart, mind, and will of mine. Baptize my mind and make this seed die to give birth to life for Your glory.
Teach us, Father, Your ways and that we might follow.

I love You. 

Oh joyous wretchedness

I'm stricken with indignity.
Is everything pointless?
Why read? Why study? Why pray? Why preach?
It always ends up the same; I always end up the same.
My tongue runs me over. My anger takes control. My pride resurges. I seek my own!
Is it just me without hope?
Can You change me?
Why haven't You?

Could this have been the way Paul felt when he said in Romans 7:18:

 "18 For I know that good itself does not dwell in me, that is, in my sinful nature.[c] For I have the desire to do what is good, but I cannot carry it out. 19 For I do not do the good I want to do, but the evil I do not want to do—this I keep on doing. 20 Now if I do what I do not want to do, it is no longer I who do it, but it is sin living in me that does it.

 21 So I find this law at work: Although I want to do good, evil is right there with me. 22 For in my inner being I delight in God’s law; 23 but I see another law at work in me, waging war against the law of my mind and making me a prisoner of the law of sin at work within me. 24 What a wretched man I am! Who will rescue me from this body that is subject to death? 25 Thanks be to God, who delivers me through Jesus Christ our Lord!

So then, I myself in my mind am a slave to God’s law, but in my sinful nature[d] a slave to the law of sin."

Wretched I am indeed.
My eyes overflow with tears for this helpless being I am.
The evils in my heart and mind the Lord must search and examine.
What will my reward be according to my conduct? (Jer. 17:10)
Enslaved I am.

Romans 8

1 Therefore, there is now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus, 2 because through Christ Jesus the law of the Spirit who gives life has set you free from the law of sin and death. 3 For what the law was powerless to do because it was weakened by the flesh, God did by sending his own Son in the likeness of sinful flesh to be a sin offering. And so he condemned sin in the flesh, 4in order that the righteous requirement of the law might be fully met in us, who do not live according to the flesh but according to the Spirit.

 5 Those who live according to the flesh have their minds set on what the flesh desires; but those who live in accordance with the Spirit have their minds set on what the Spirit desires. 6 The mind governed by the flesh is death, but the mind governed by the Spirit is life and peace. 7 The mind governed by the flesh is hostile to God; it does not submit to God’s law, nor can it do so. 8 Those who are in the realm of the flesh cannot please God.

 9 You, however, are not in the realm of the flesh but are in the realm of the Spirit, if indeed the Spirit of God lives in you. And if anyone does not have the Spirit of Christ, they do not belong to Christ. 10But if Christ is in you, then even though your body is subject to death because of sin, the Spirit gives life because of righteousness. 11 And if the Spirit of him who raised Jesus from the dead is living in you, he who raised Christ from the dead will also give life to your mortal bodies because of his Spirit who lives in you.

 12 Therefore, brothers and sisters, we have an obligation—but it is not to the flesh, to live according to it. 13 For if you live according to the flesh, you will die; but if by the Spirit you put to death the misdeeds of the body, you will live.

 14 For those who are led by the Spirit of God are the children of God. 15 The Spirit you received does not make you slaves, so that you live in fear again; rather, the Spirit you received brought about your adoption to sonship. And by him we cry, “Abba, Father.” 16 The Spirit himself testifies with our spirit that we are God’s children. 17 Now if we are children, then we are heirs—heirs of God and co-heirs with Christ, if indeed we share in his sufferings in order that we may also share in his glory."

"If indeed the Spirit of God lives in you..."
I ponder on this words.
Am I of You, Lord? For the misdeeds of my body are not put to death!
That which I wish not to do, I do.
The more I try, pray, search, and study the more vulnerable to this death and sin I become.
I feel it's useless!
"If indeed we share in his suffering..."
How so? Father. How can I? Am I?
I desire it.
I wish to be bound to You and Your Spirit, and not this earthly desires.
I wish to be consumed for Your Kingdom, and not my daily toils.
I wish to live by the Spirit, and not this flesh that is overtaking me.

Romans 8

"23 Not only so, but we ourselves, who have the firstfruits of the Spirit, groan inwardly as we wait eagerly for our adoption to sonship, the redemption of our bodies. 24 For in this hope we were saved. But hope that is seen is no hope at all. Who hopes for what they already have? 25 But if we hope for what we do not yet have, we wait for it patiently."

And still I must learn to be still?

Romans 8

" 37 No, in all these things we are more than conquerors through him who loved us. 38 For I am convinced that neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons,[k] neither the present nor the future, nor any powers, 39 neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord."

Am I again looking at myself and forgetting Who You are?
Do I still trust myself and my strength to do that which only You can?
Oh joyous wretchedness that I might see who I am and I may trust Who You are and all You do!
That I might kneel in heart and soul before the gracious God Who did not spare His son for me to be justified.

I pray for desire.
I pray for death to sin and life by the Spirit.
I pray as though believing I will receive what I asked.
I consider it pure joy to be in many trials.
Might I be a faithful servant to You with nothing to be ashamed of.
Amen!

On a side prayer, I wish to pray for my friends and family and the losses they have suffered.
For my mom and her family losing a beloved cousin and son.
For your faithful servant Dennis losing his dear brother.
For my sweet friends Johnny and Meli losing her cheerished Mimoris.
Confort them, Father, for the heart wonders "why" and the soul grieves with impotence and injustice.
Blessed are those who mourn, for God, King of kings, conforts them.
Amen!