Dear Kaylee 5 months/ Dear Emmalee 20 months

Dear Kaylee,

Last week you turned 5 months old. I have your 4 and 5 month old photoshoots but I had not come around to sharing them. You have grown so beautiful. It makes me sad I do not get to spend my whole day with you anymore. You already grew accustomed to your bottle and are having a hard time breastfeeding. I miss the closeness of breastfeeding you around the clock and getting to caress your head and hair. My little girl, I miss you every second I am away. When you were in the whomb, I worried of how great my love would be for you. I didn't know I could so much! I love you so deeply. When you fall asleep in my arms and I pass you to your crib, I always stare at you with wonder and give God thanks for your life and ask Him to protect you always. You have been struggling with a cough that made mommy's heart break when I would see you in any sort of pain. I am so happy you are doing better. I can't wait to get home and spend it with you and try to coax you into relinquishing the bottle for the breast so that we may be close. I have been trying to play more with you. You are not like your older sister who liked more daring games. You do love to play with your feet. You are so dextereous rolling over and trying to crawl. I am so proud of you. Just like your sister did at your age, you have become more silent these couple of weeks, though you were much more talkative then she was at 3 months. I think it has to do with the fact that you have been sick from your throat. I hope soon I can hear your "ooh's" and "gu's" again. Just yesterday you were feeling more chatty. Your dad has been spending more time with you as well and trying to get you to laugh. No one makes you laugh like your daddy. You have almost mastered sitting without support or help. Your eyes are still as mesmerizing as they were when you were born. I can lose myself in those curly eyelashes and deep eyes that we still do not know if they are blue, grey, or green. Your grandma Martha wants me to cut your hair. It is a little out of control. You have bunch of hair on the front and on the top, but are going bald on the back. Do  not feel bad, my darling, almost all kids go through this stage. You are still beautiful to no compare. I love to see you interact with your sister. You love to watch her play and if she is there, you won't even turn to look at us. You do not like it much, though, when she hugs you or touches you. She can be heavy or rough, but she means well. She is always excited to get to interact with you, always ready to hug you when you are at arms reach. Baby, I know you have heard that we were not planning on having you so soon, but this just comes to show how God always knows best. You were in His plans and I thank Him it was so because we could not be happier to have you. I melt when I pick you up to change your diaper and you give me a huge smile. You only do me that mercy because you scream and cry when daddy changes you. I hope that changes soon because daddy feels rejected. It's ok, I know you don't mean to make him feel that way. Your sister did it to me yesterday, lol. I was praying for you yesterday that God might protect you and make you grow strong and healthy. I wish you got to see your grandma Linda more but I am so grateful to you for granting her smiles when you two skype. I love you, my gift from heaven. I can't put into words the joy and warmth that fills my heart just to think of you. I pray nothing ever hurts you, though I know that will not be the case. So I pray I might teach you well and teach you of Him so when the pain comes you know what to do and that you are not alone. 

Thank you for being my baby girl and coming to my life. 

Love, mom

Dear Emmalee,

My sweet girl you are 20 months old. Your second birthday is just around the corner and mommy is already planning and working on it. Your birthday and your sister's birthday are truly the happiest day of the year for me. I was so blessed those days when I got to see your eyes for the first time. You have grown so much. You talk better than many two year olds and you are so energetic. You are a little prone to accidents. I think this is because you are too brave and you are definitely not a cry baby. Last week was tough on the both of us, but I think mommy had an even rougher time. You injured your front tooth, which thankfully was not hurt and will not be lost, and you lost a finger nail. You were so brave on both emergencies. You barely even cried, even after a local anesthesia shot. How brave! I am so happy because we got to spend so much time together these past months. During my prenatal with Kaylee it was just the two of us home all day long! And then while mommy looked for a new job, we spend more time together. Your recent interests are dancing and singing. When you do either, mom and dad just can't help laughing out loud. You are so hilarious and cute. Your vocabulary is quite extensive, even fooling people of your age. You pick on words and phrases quickly. You are joy to be around as you have always been. Your beautiful brown eyes and long lushious hair style leave me mesmerized at your beauty. I was burdened to see you get hurt so often this month, I didn't even want to celebrate my birthday. Then I realized I had you and your sister to be grateful for and that made my birthday best day ever. I even took these pictures of you that day when my joy came back when my grattitude returned. Girl, you are the best. Never stop dancing, never stop singing, never stop smiling. Don't let anyone tell you the things you do with innocence and purity of heart are evil just because they think they are. As long as you are able to stand in the light of God with a pure heart, keep singing and dancing. Have as much fun as you can, because fun is joy abounding, not engaging in sin. And there is lot of fun in your walk with God. I wouldn't change a thing about my life and my walking with God. It led me to having you and God could not have blessed me more than making me your and your sister's mommy. I love your quirks, I love your kisses and lalalos (hugs). Your father has nicknamed you lalalo since that and pepe (milk bottle) are your main words. "Lalalo, lalalo." You always want to be picked up and you give a hug when someone obliges. You love your pink converse shoes your grandparents got you. You pull on your foot and say "papato" to let us know you dropped your shoe. You refuse to say pelota (ball) and continue to spout your "tututa" which some people sometimes misinterpret. I don't care. I am not teaching you so that you can please people and their expectations. Please God and He knows you love to play with your tuta! I pray God keeps you healthy and growing. You are always on my mind and always on the stories I tell. 

Thank you for being my firstborn.

Love, mom

Kaylee 4 momths

Kaylee 5 months

Emmalee 19 months

Emmalee 20 months

Back to the foundations

This week I've been meditating in this verse:

Luke 16:10

10 “If you are faithful in little things, you will be faithful in large ones. But if you are dishonest in little things, you won’t be honest with greater responsibilities.

In my youth I interpreted this as: Be faithful in little things in church and you will be put over more responsibilities in church, and the pastors will consider you for missions, projects, and what not. Both of these came true and I spent my teenage years almost entirely in church serving. Time came to show me that there were many people in church faithful to their church responsibilities and placed over more; however, a lot of these men and women are no longer in church or serving Christ. I slowly started to retreat from my church responsibilities and brought them to a minimum of serving in the young professional's band and attending my Bible group and church meeting. The reason, I told myself, was that I had more responsibilities now that I had my own home and also my health was an issue. I am pretty sure I could do more if my heart was into it. I have found my heart unwilling and prayed to the Lord to change it. 

I have pondered over the reasons why those faithful brothers and sisters with whom I served during my youth were no longer walking the narrow road. And I have been meditating on what will become of me.

I want to be a faithful child to my loving Father. I do. That has never changed. But I am finding myself unfaithful in little things. I want to be trusted to be faithful with large things.

The big problem I am facing is that eventhough I have been unfaithful in the little things, I have been trusted with big responsibilities. I am a wife and a mom. Soon, I will be a teacher. These are great responsibilities I do not take lightly. 

So what are these small things I am being unfaithful in?

Well, I've found that these reasons I am about to name are the reasons I believe those faithful people in their church responsibilities also missed and caused them to drift. You see, the church is plagued with faithful attendees willing to serve in various ministries and going to every church activity. This was me for many, many years. I have meditated that the reason I do not want to do more in church is because I am not qualified to do so. I do not want to be something in church I am not first in private. I do not want to be something in church I am not everywhere else. And I can not take more responsibilites in church if I not faithful in my home, my family, and my work.

The little things:

1. Reading my Bible everyday. 

I was adamant in my teenage years about reading my Bible daily. I would even write "Nothing, shame on you" in my devotional the days I didn't read. I would even wake up the next day and sumarize the things that went wrong that day that would have gone different if my heart had spent time in the presence of the Word. It was my bread and water. This is probably the reason I am still in church and I haven't drifted to the broad road. But my young days in the Bible won't sustain me forever, certainly not as my responsabilities grow in adulthood. I am not spending enough time in the Bible. I justify this with my busy days, but my heart knows it is just excuses. My heart is growing harder each day I am away from His Word. It is the Holy Spirit in me starving from its food and life. I do not want to silence the Holy Spirit but I am not listening to His Word. I have nothing in which to stand against the enemy and his attacks to my life but the Word I learned in my youth that I am not studying and meditating in once more. And how am I going to teach the Word to my daughters and to my students? 

2. Praying. 

When people say "I'll pray for that" they probably do and they utter a small prayer for you just then and never again. I know I do. In my youth, I even kept a prayer dairy where I wrote the things I needed to pray for myself, for my family, for my friends. Everyone had its own paragraph and I would use my prayer diary twice a week. I delighted on spending a whole night in prayer and felt rested the next day. Nowadays, I have a hard time spending minutes in prayer and when I am feeling scared and lost, I ask my husband to pray for me and find it hard to pray myself. I come to the verse in John 3:20: Everyone who does evil hates the light, and will not come into the light for fear that their deeds will be exposed. Maybe my time apart from the Word makes me too ashamed to come before the light I've been ignoring. I usually just come praying to give thanks and pray for others, especially my pregnant friends.

3. Seeking advice.

This one I am not doing so bad as I am a forever seeker to diminish my pride, especially my self-righteousness. I try never to make decisions without consulting my husband and my mom and anyone i consider knowledgeable to the specific situation. But I want to do more. I want to be open to advice on how to be a better wife, mom, friend, teacher, child of God. I want to seek discipleship more aggresively and grow in humility and holiness. I want more of myself for God. 

4. Discipling

Do not even know if that is a word but I want to start doing this. Now, I cannot disciple if I myself am not a disciple, so the points above are really important. And this is really important to be able to be faithful with the large responsibilities God has given, like being a mom and a teacher. I'm looking forward to be able to connect with my students in a way I wasn't allowed to in my previous job. Discipling my kids is my main ministry along with serving my husband from here on. 

5. No bad words.

Nothing taints my testimony faster and harsher than it should than when a bad eords comrs out of my mouth, and I am sorry to say it happens more often than not and not even to insult or in anger but in a casual way which I don't know if it makes it worse. This is not unharmful and I have to stop belittling its consequences.

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There are probably many other things I need to grow in faithfulness, but I am going to the little things to move to the greater or more. And this faithfulness before the Lord not men. The greater things come from Him and He is calling us to be good faithful servants. I do not want to continue fail Him, in any little thing. I am not going to shame myself again in my devotionals. I am going to shame myself as a mother, wife, and teacher if I don't. 

Dear Father,

Thank You because You renew your mercies everyday. If this was not so I would have already been smitten under your rightful wrath. But You are loving to this undeserving child of Yours. Let me not forget to tremble. Let me not forget how much has been forgiven and that which is yet to be forgiven. Thank You for giving this unfaithful servant big responsabilities and trusting me a wonderful family and household. Thank You Lord inmensely for the teaching opportunity I have been given. I am greatly grateful for my job. Thank you for re-igniting my passion for teaching and the opportunity to minister to my students once more. There is nothing better than to be Your hands and feet and this undeserving servant appreciates the chance You give her to go forth for You. Let me once more be an influence in Your church as long as it is Your words I share and live. Do not let me be there for the moment or the movement or the people, but for You and by You. Let me not walk to the broad road and move those who have to walk the narrow. It is narrow for a reason and walked by a few brave men and women that have been blessed to know and love You. Let me seek You in Your Word, through prayer, through mutual discipleship, and with an edifying tongue. May I be faithful through You Who strengthen me. In Your holy name I pray, amen.

Supernatural reactions

I wake up to cries everyday. Either from my 19 month old or my 3 month old or both baby girls. I am not going to lie, I sometimes linger on my bed hopong they'll go back to sleep and I will get a little more shut-eye time. Sometimes it happens, but more often I have to stand up and tend to them. It's ok, the initial dislike of having to get out of bed rapidly leaves as it is replaced with a child that goes from a cry to an instant smile the moment they see your face.

Do you know what that is like? To have someone immediately feel better and in the mood to smile just by looking at you? And in your just-woken-up morning look?

I feel as though I have a ton of stuff to do and little time to do it and I'm unemployed!

A practical control-freak, I like to get things done in one sitting and as quickly and efficiently as possible. Add a baby that wants only mommy's arms and only mommy can feed her, and that gets a little harder to do. I am learning to love, though, how breastfeeding puts a stop on my day many times during the day. I have to sit down and simply wait. I cannot rush my baby or do anything other than breastfeed. It is not an easy feat for me to do. But it must be done and I must, for those minutes, slow down and stop whatever I am doing.

So many changes in my life right now have me in the brink of desperation. Again, I am not going to sugarcoat how hard a time I've been experiencing, 

Apart from having two baby girls who are fair sleepers but still wake us up during the night, I have been experiencing sharp pain on my legs that, I don't understand why, tends to worsen while I'm laying down. It amuses me, rather than disturb me, when both girls wake up and me and the hubs are at opposite sides of the bed both with one child on our arms rocking them to sleep. We give each other a glance as if saying "How did we get here" and sigh in relief when we are finally able to go back to bed. Sometimes the relief is shortlived and one of the girls, and thankfully usually not both, needs a second rocking back go sleep. We take turns. 

We never thought we would have two babies so close together, and now, all four of us live in the a single room.

I lost my job on June. I had been fearing the school would fire me because I got pregnant just when I started working there. i felt a little better when in December both the school's superintendent and the highschool principal sat with me and gave me a promise I was not losing my job, that they liked my work, and would be renewing my contract. I breathed a little easier afterwards, but I never fully took their word. I suspected so much their intent of firing me that I began a home business during my postnatal in March. I started baking cupcakes, cakes, and cake pops to make a living on the side. I've never considered myself skillfull enough for a business of my own but need is stronger than beliefs, specially when you have two babies. 

But we had to make a decision on our financial situation quick and we decided to move in with my in laws, thus the four of us now share a room where before we had our own full house. 

I don't know how we did it and even my mother-in-law praised my organization skills but in this one single room we managed to put both cribs, both side tables of emmalee's room, our bed, both our side tables, the girl's changing station/dresser that contains all their clothes, our dresser, a plastic dresser that goes inside the closet, all out clothes in a single small closet including our bedding, the tv and tv station, the girl's rocking horse, and my rocking chair, And we still have two-meter square area for the girls to play. In my in-laws laundry room we put our fridge and a pantry for my baking supplies. 

It is definitely a change and a tough adjustment, however I am grateful for the extra arms in the house to help with the girls when I am baking. 

The Lord has shown provision. We have a roof over our heads, electricity, running hot water, even a ceiling fan in the room to help with the heat, food and each other. That is more than a lot have. 

As humans, we want God's provision in the form of the lifestyle we desire, A discontent heart would say God did not provide because I lost the house and was forced to downsize. I have to say, downsizing was my favorite part in all of this. No joke. The more you have, the more you need, and I for one don't need things dragging me down.

At first we didn't have hot water, cable or internet in the room, and the toilet seat was broken. It is hard when you get use to these things and not have them. We do now and I am grateful for it, but I would have loved to learn to live without these as well, except for the hot water. Girl needs her hot water!

It's a difficul living situation for me because you are placing imperfect humans to live with other imperfect humans who clash, argue, and not always see eye to eye. With me being the only one not related in the house, eventhough they say I am like one of their own, I feel an intruder and invader.

God's provision has been shown in how many cakes I've been ordered, eventhough I have zero sales and publicity skills. Seriously, selling something is one the most frightful things you can make me do. To me it's torture! I really envy those who have it naturally. I wish could just worry on baking and not have to deal with the negotiation part of the business. It is harder on me than you think.

I thought the money I got when I got fired would be enough to carry me til August, but it was barely enough for July. I had to buy cheap diapers and Kaylee had a bad reaction to them and now has a huge red rash and her bottom that has been more expensive to treat than her box of normal diapers! And I had to buy her normal diapers too. The saying "cheap comes with a price" is no joke.

All of these things have been pushing me out of my comfort zone.

I was tempted to fall into depression so I started analyzing my situation.

Here is my current situation: I am a stay at home mom with a home business. Now I wish that were enough to provide for my family, but it is not. I am waiting on a call on a job at another school that thankfully is a christian school, so that makes me happier to go back to work; but, in the meantime, I have been given the chance to stay with my girls, no matter the circumstance, and I am going to throw it away by feeling down?!

When the school called me to tell me they wanted me for the job I ran to Emmalee, picked her up and hugged her and told her "I'll be able to buy your diapers" with tears falling from my eyes.

So, to summarize: sleep depraved, change in living situation, pain during the night, sharing a house, broke, dealing with a home business, waiting on a job call, caring for two babies. 

All of these things have made me have some human reactions: sadness, blame, crankyness, moody (especially with the hubs u_u), discontent. You could say my reaction is justifiable to all I've been going through.

I was talking to my very dear friend Tito the other day, He has justifiable reasons to be angry at a person. No one would blame him if he were. Yet not only is he not angry at this person, he refuses to speak ill of the person and even refuse to think ill in his mind either. When I commended him for his example, he said "Only God can give you supernatural reactions." 

Supernatural reactions. The term has been stuck in my head ever since. My reactions are the human natural response. Is that what I want for myself? Tito has the human "right" to be upset, yet he doesn't want any human rights. He wants holiness. He wants to be like Christ and that longing and closeness to God has brought forth supernatural reactions to human situations.

I want that!

It is not going to come naturally or I would already have them just by wishing it. And this is the reason for my trials and the Lord's encouragement of "Consider it pure joy when faced with many trials" (James 1). God is bringing forth holiness in my life. Holy means separated for. I want to be separated for God. Separated from the natural to bring forth the supernatural, which is simply the work of God in your life. It may never come from me and that is why all the glory is to Him. I want my life to glorify Him. My girls and my husband are my ministry from God and it is in that relationship and walk as a mother and wife that I will glorify God with my life. But what example am I for my girls if struggle brings depression and discontent into their mother's heart? 

And so, I fill my cup today with gratitude, joy, and smiles. I chose peace and trust over fear and worries. I choose to feel closer to God safe under His wings than feeling alone and deserted.

I choose supernatural reactions only God can give me. God help me and teach me.

Mother of two!

Here comes another round of "it's true what they say."

It is true that is harder to have more than one child, especially when they are so close together in age as mine. The first time I had to take care of both girls alone I felt proud of myself for not crying. When you have two babies crying simultaneously both needing something right away and you have to chose which one to leave crying and make her wait, you feel your heart break a little, the first time, The second time you just understand your limitations and hope your daughters won't resent the waiting while wailing. Once you get over or used to the crying, you carry on and things actually run smoothly.

It is true it is very tiring. The first three weeks I was sleep deprived I was a walking, seriously cranky zombie. I am very grateful for my husband and for not leaving me after those weeks. Honestly, for a moment there I wondered if we would make it. I felt awful for snapping at him for anything. But, a day came when Kaylee allowed me to sleep three hours continuously and I became human again. With the first child they tell you "Sleep when the baby sleeps." Well, that was not possible with another baby full awake. But somehow I feel more energetic than I have in a long time. I feel so much energy that I am serving at church again, being faithful to attend group and church, caring for the house, caring for both girls, and I even feel less ache in my body than i have in the past years. My back and neck hurt from sleeping with Kaylee in my arms until she finally lets me pass her to her crib but it is not keeping me from my daily activities and I am doing it joyfully. It is like the Lord has fully charged my battery. Today that I had to go back to work Kaylee even let me sleep 5 hours straight!

It is true that it is easier the second time around. I am so glad breastfeeding has been easier. I think it is a matter of feeling more confident of what I do that makes the difference. I sometimes wonder if Kaylee is not suffering from my overconfidence. It also amuses me how much a newborn care my husband completely forgot. He doesn't even remember what we went through with Emmalee. I even try things with Kaylee I would have been to scared to do with Emmalee. I hope and pray that this time around I can breastfeed longer.

It is true it is more expensive. So far we have only felt the expenses go up on diapers. Kaylee is exclusively breastfeeding so there is no extra charge there. However, the pediatrician, vaccines, medicines, clothing, etc will eventually start to blow out our budget. That is why we started a home based business making cakes, cupcakes, cake pops for parties. I hope the business takes off so that I can continue with it when I am finally steady to quit my day job. Speaking if day jobs, I don't even know if I'll still have one next school year, so I hope the home business really, really takes off. It would be so happy to be able to work from home and stay with my daughters. Today is my first day away from Kaylee and it is killing me. It did not get easier to be separated from her, even if it is the second time.

It is true that you love them just as much as the first. I love Emmalee with such strength and intensity that I was worried I couldn't love that strongly anyone else, but a mother's heart can sure expand to fit more love in it. I think of how much I love Kaylee and my heart fills and my eyes tear up. I sink my nose into her chamomile scented hair, stare deep into those hypnotic grey eyes, and just lose myself with joy. She gave me her first smiles this week and made my knees weak. When she cries because of cholic I feel my heart break to know she is in pain. I will hold her all night gladly with no cares for my rest and tiredness. I wake up to her cries and thank God for her life and ask Him to keep waking me up to a breathing, healthy baby, I don't mind. 

My life revolves around my daughters. Everything I do is done in a rush: bathe, eat, rest, go to the bathroom, use the computer, think, breathe! Time for myself? Time with friends? Time to do what I like? It doesn't exist right now. I surely need to make time with the hubs! If you want to live for yourself parenthood is not for you, unless you can afford a nanny and are not concerned with raising your kids right. Yesterday I was laying in my bed with Kaylee in one arm and Emmalee in the other one and Rodol sleeping next to me and I thoguht to myself "I have my whole world and everything I need in this bed." I can't fathom how that is not enough for some people. How some mothers desire to be out making a career than the torture of staying home. What I would give! I am counting the seconds to be back home.

Mother of two... I like the sound of that. I want more, but I'll have to wait. In the mean time, I am somehow capable of carrying both of the girls and grabbing things or opening doors; it is like I became an octupus and have extra arms or something. Well, the hubs makes fun if how deft I am grabbing things from the floor with my feet so maybe I am more a monkey. The days are challenging but filled with reward. I feel so blessed to have been able to spend so much time at home and daydream of the day I'll be able to stay fulltime. 

Thank You, Lord, for the days you have given me. Thank You, for You make them more than I could have ever dreamed of.

On Becoming a Parent Part 2

So apparently I cannot give birth without hearing the words "That is the first time that happens" from nurses and doctors.

For those of you who want to know what I am talking about with Emmalee, here is the link.

Kaylee was schedule to come out of her comfy belly-home this monday the 7th, which is why her grandma Linda booked a plane ticket from Panama City to Tegucigalpa on the 6th. I prayed plenty asking God that my mom would be here for Emmalee's delivery, that I was sure He was going to do the same for Kaylee and didn't even bother to ask. To poor grandma's dismay, Kaylee came out 4 days ahead.

Luckily, I had the sense to pack the morning of Wednesday the 2nd. We had just returned from Emmalee's first time at the movie theater. She has gone before but to sleep on mommy or daddy's lap. This time she went to watch the movie. She really enoyed the animated film and clapped at the end. She is growing so fast. I came home to finish cleaning and organizing the guest room for mom and rearranging our bedroom to fit the playpen that has a nifty newborn station for Kaylee's first months. I don't know if all that exertion got me into labor or if it was just time but, at 1 am of that Thursday, I began with contractions.

Now contractions usually take some time before they become frequent and painful, indicating it is time to go to the hospital. You feel them in the middle of your belly and you can tell it is a contraction because your whole belly hardens. The pain I was feeling was only on the lower right side of my belly and didn't feel like contractions, but by 1:30 am the contractions where closer together and very painful, which got me scared really fast. I called my doctor and was instructed to go to the hospital immediately.

I don't know how many times I said "Rodolfo hurry up" in the few minutes it took us to get dressed and "ready" for the hospital. (The "ready" is because we had mine and Kaylee's stuff ready, but not Emmalee's). Needless to say, I was pretty scared in the car praying for Kaylee's safety. Our car was in the shop and we felt so blessed our friend George had left us a car to use until ours was fixed. (I seriously hate my car).

I was worried the doctor would delay in arriving, but he got there five minutes after us. I just wanted to enter his clinic and see Kaylee on the ultrasound monitor. The doctor was checking me and I yelled "Just show her to me already!!!" "The ultrasound is malfunctioning," he said. He asked me to calm down so he could listen to her heart beat. When I heard the words "She is perfectly fine," my heart started beating again. My in-laws live nearby the hospital and were able to arrive quickly and care for Emmalee. 

I had google before calling the doctor the kind of pain I was feeling could mean placental abruption (which you can read about here).

Turned out, to mis dismay, that I was right and thus needed to go into surgery right away. 

I was afraid waking up the staff necessary for my emergency cesarean would take a while, time in which my contractions would scalate quickly putting me inside the OR in extreme pain again. The doctor told me he would start operating in half hour, which translated to Honduran time meant at least an hour and a half. Turned out I was wrong. I was surprised how quickly they were there and ready. 

When the time for the epidural came, I told the doctor of my complication the last time. He promised me that would not happen this time. I am glad he was true to his promise.

Before surgery the doctors and nurses got together in a circle and prayed. That made me feel really good. I was happy my doctor allowed Rodol to be in the OR with me, and he got to cut Kaylee's umbilical chord. He was so happy. Being inside, hearing me talk, and seeing Kaylee come out safely made him feel better than with Emmalee's delivery, where being in the waiting room not knowing what was going on made the minutes feel like hours. All I have to say is that he has a strong stomach. I was happy he was there and he stroke my hair until the surgery was over. 

They took me to the recovery room and he left to check on Kaylee. Those 45 minutes on the recovery room felt endless. I was anxious to see Kaylee or at least be allowed to be in my room with Emmalee. 

When I was finally sent to my room, I was immediately concerned with the look on Rodol's face. It turned out that Kaylee had trouble adjusting to the environment and was given oxygen to breathe (effects of the placental abruption). The pediatrician told us we were lucky she came early because she was showing signs of fetal distress. 

She came out a lot smaller and thinner than Emmalee. Emmalee was three weeks older when she was born. It may not seem like much, but, in development inside the womb, it makes a big difference. 

The nurses said they would be taking her to the room in a few minutes. Those did turn out to be hours.

My in-laws and my dad where all really tired from the long night, but no one would leave until we had Kaylee on the room. We got Kaylee three hours later, immediately requesting feeding. When I saw how strong a feeder she was, I knew she was going to be ok. I was so happy breastfeeding again! Everyone stared at her for a few minutes and went their way.

By now it was around 6 am. On my surgery with Emmalee I remember coming out of surgery with a foley catheter on that was removed until the next day. With Kaylee's surgery, my catheter was removed in the recovery room around 3 am. I found it strange, but they said it was ok to remove it, so I didn't inquire any further. 

I was happy with Kaylee and Rodol in the room recovering from surgery (Emmalee left with her grandparents). I really wished my mom was there. Time passed and the effects of the anesthesia were wearing off as I could feel the pain from the cut. The nurses administered some analgesics the doctor had prescribed. It seemed weird to me that the pain in the cut subsided, but not my general pain. The hours kept passing and my pain only became stronger and stronger. Around 1pm I was complaining heavily about the pain I was feeling. 

They sent a doctor to check on me. You could tell from a mile away he was just a medical student. 

He asked me where I was feeling pain and I told him it was in the abdominal area. He gave me the dumbest look ever and said "Well, you just had surgery. It is normal that you feel pain," to which I responded in my most aggravated tone "It is normal that I feel pain. It is not normal that the analgesics are having absolutely no effect and my pain is actually increasing!" He just bowed his head and agreed, but of course did nothing. 

Time kept passing and I kept telling them I was feeling too much pain. They changed me to a stronger analgesic. I started calling them telling me to give me something stronger, to which all just replied that I should wait for the new analgesic to come into effect. I started calling my doctor continuously on the phone demanding him to come see me. He sent the on-call doctor at the ER. He checked my pulse, my pressure, my wound, my bleeding and concluded that everything was ok. He called my doctor and told him I had a "low pain threshold" to which I, infuriated, replied with a "This is not my first c-section! Something is wrong, help me!"

They did nothing again so I did the only thing I could. I started screaming. It was really hard to scream with the intense pain in my abdomen, but it was all I could do. I looked so bad not even Rodol tried to stop me from screaming. My screams where heard all throughout.

Finally my doctor came to see me. I was in so much pain I was shaking the bed. 

He asked me if it was my wound that hurt. I said yes but that what really hurted was my abdominal area. He asked the nurses if I had peed all day and they said I had. He asked for a catheter just to be sure. As soon as he placed the catheter in, I stopped screaming and laid peacefully on the bed. They took out three liters of urine from a bladder that holds 600ml!

By the look on their faces I could tell they had really screwed up. They even treated me with a lot of care after my screaming show. Had I not screamed for help, they would have had a very complicated gallbladder surgery on a recently operated patient. I could have died of complications, my bladder was about to burst!

And just like with my post-dural-puncture headache, all doctors and nurses kept telling me "That had never happened before." 

I was just thankful that after that, I felt a lot better. I didn't even need the analgesics anymore and the pain from the cut was more than bearable.

We stayed in the hospital until Saturday and I was happy my mother-in-law came to spend the night with us, since my mom was arriving until Sunday.

The pediatrician told me Kaylee suffered from Jaundice but that I could take her home and just expose her to the sun in the mornings and afternoons. There was something bothering me about her jaundice, though my mom and my mother-in-law said she was fine and the jaundice was mild. I couldn't shake the feeling it was more than that and took Kaylee to the pediatrician on Monday. We went to draw some blood to check her bilirubin levels beforehand. The nurses and doctors at the Lab said she was fine and that they had seen babies a lot more yellow than Kaylee. The test results were not done yet and we had to be on time to see the pediatrician, so the lab said I could call to get the results. As soon as my pediatrician saw her he said she was ok, like everyone else, and that the jaundice was mild. He did the check up on her and was about to dispatch us when we got the results from the lab. 

Her jaundice was not mild and we had to stay in the hospital for two days.

He even admitted "mom knows best."

It was really hard to hear we had to stay in the hospital, not to mention the huge financial hit. 

Thankfully, God gave provision through my mom and Kaylee got better.

We are finally home and together.

We are happy to have my mom with us and as our guest.

Emmalee could not be a cuter big sister. All she wants to do when she sees Kaylee out of her cradle is give her kisses. She kisses her arms, belly, and forehead.

Thank You for Your provision, Your care, Your protection, faithfulness, and love, my dear Lord.

She is more Red than yellow

Mommy was so happy to have her so soon in the hospital room

Party of Four!

Happy grandma

Sister kisses

loves of my life

That Kind of Night

I am having that kind of night; you know, the sleepless one where you lay in bed regretting something you said. The kind of night were you beat yourself up for those words that came out of your mouth even if you know that most likely the only conseuence to them is this self-beating. The kind of night where you find it hard to forgive your own flaws.

And thus I try to console myself with phrases like: "Jesus forgave you for this too, so you should too."

And I don't know if these words have validity or not, but I am finding no solace in them.

Neither am I finding any on the thought that what I said wasn't really bad. 

Then why is it disturbing me so?

Well, my soul wants me to find out in order to find rest in this kind of night.

It was a comment on another mother's choice.

I find myself complaining about how much it bothers me when strangers comment on my kid's appearance or behaviour, or the size of my belly, or anything parental related. 

I need to ask myself if it only rubs me the wrong way coming from strangers or coming from near ones as well?

My mind recalls of a time when Emmalee was two months old and my mom made a comment on a choice I made that hurt me so bad it caused us to have our only long distance fight. And it was an "innocent" comment. "Innocent" in the sense that it was said coming from a place of concern and love, but not from a place where it was well-thought before it was spoken, coming accross completely as it was not intended. I hate when that happens. 

I guess I can conclude that I would probably not complain of any opinions you have as me as a mother if you are not a stranger, but I would probably not have an easy time taking them either. 

Knowing firsthand what the road of motherhood looks like, I guess I understand why my heart is so upset that I was so unhampered and casual in casting an opinion of another mother's choice. 

It brings to mind the fact that the things we dislike from others is more often than not the things we dislike about ourselves. And if it is not, then it should.

it reminds me of Luke 6:41-42

41 And why beholdest thou the mote that is in thy brother’s eye, but perceivest not the beam that is in thine own eye?

42 Or how canst thou say to thy brother, ‘Brother, let me pull out the mote that is in thine eye,’ when thou thyself beholdest not the beam that is in thine own eye? Thou hypocrite! Cast out first the beam out of thine own eye, and then shalt thou see clearly to pull out the mote that is in thy brother’s eye.

Ouch! No wonder I am having that kind of night. Hypocrite? That is not something I want to be called. 

I guess thiese kinds of nights are not that bad afterall, if you are willing to examine your heart and bring it under God's mindset and will.

I find myself lately singing Emmalee to sleep to the Sonicflood song "Holiness."

The part of the song that says "brokenness, brokenness is what I long for" truly strikes a chord because I really do. And the chorus "Take my heart and form it, take my mind transform it, take my will conform it to Yours" is truly a prayer in my heart, even when I am singing it.

Sometimes He allows these kinds of nights for the purpose of making that chorus true in our hearts.

After writing this down I have to say, eventhough I have an early morning and Emmalee and the house under my sole care until noon, I am grateful I had this kind of night. I am grateful the Lord moves me to examine my heart and will not let me rest until I have. I am glad I am not someone who can feel she did something incorrect and just shake it off and swipe it under the rug. 

Thank You, Lord, for forever shaping me into Your image, even if it is a long road ahead. I love You for not forsaking me and for forgiving me and teaching me Your ways. Never stop teaching me!

Dear Kaylee, 33 weeks on the belly!

Sweet baby girl,

I've been thinking alot about you lately. We are expecting you in 36 days exactly.

Your grandma will be coming April 6th so please wait for her. 

We chose to have you on the 7th because it is mommy's favorite number and it has been meaningful in our lives. Your sister was born on the 17th. You were supposed to be coming that date also, but I am glad you are coming sooner. I can't wait to meet you.

It does not matter that I've done this before, I know that when I get to stare into your eyes, I will lose myself in them. Meeting you will be the one of the best things that happens to me,

Mommy loves you so much. I wake up at night searching your kicks on my belly and daydreaming about you. I am sure your sister will be happy for your arrival. She is going to be the best big sister ever. I pray that you two don't fight too much, that you can be best friends, that you will find in her a role model and a good counselor. Sisters are the best and it is a very cherished conexion. I am happy you two will be very close in age. Your sister Emmalee is so sweet and kind, so you have much you can learn from her already.

Baby girl, we were not expecting you so soon, but you were going to come when God wanted, and His will is done. 

His will is always done, baby girl, and it is always good. I pray you know this and cherish your Heavenly Father. We definitely cherish Him for bringing you into our lives and He was wise to bring you at this time.

Sweet girl, always be kind to others, honor your parents, love the Lord with all your heart. Never forget that you are wonderfully made. Everything about you is perfect and mommy wouldn't change a thing about you. Never let anyone make you feel bad about who you are; you tell them you were made by an amazing and genius Creator uniquely design inside your mommy. 

I want you to know that your daddy kisses you every morning. You have such a great dad. He cares very lovingly for your mommy while she carries you and for your sister. He is so prepared to care for you. He used to hold your newly-born sister with a tight grip scared he'd drop her. I hope we don't drop you from overconfidence. At least you are lucky your parents have learned from mistakes done by newly parents to your sister, although take into account she will have some benefits as the older sister for having had to be mommy and daddy's teacher. 

Your grandma Linda always requests to talk to you on skype. 

It's weird putting the ipad on the belly, but you, as your sister before you, kick when you listen to grandma Linda's voice. 

Your grandparents are helping prepare for your arrival. Grandma Linda bought you some baby gear including you car seat and I bet she will be showering you with more gifts. She can't help herself. I am so glad she will come to be mommy's support and strength so really wait for her please.

Grandpa Edgardo is working hard on your crib. He is the jack-of-all-trades your mom learned her autodidactic skills from. I will try to pass that on to you and your sister. 

Your grandpa Rodolfo was so grateful He got to feel you on my belly. I bet he almost got teary eyed. He only had boys so he is excited to have more girls to love. Your grandma Martha is preparing herself to care for you when mommy and daddy go to work. 

Like your sister, I wish you got to see your Aunt Lilly and Uncle Ditto more, but you will have Uncle Kris and Uncle Javi pampering you. Like mom and dad, they got to practice handling a baby with your sister. Uncle Kris even knows how to change diapers!

Baby girl, grow healthy and strong inside me. Feel mommy's love for you and how great  it is. 

We love you!