A good person with cancer?

"Why did I get breast cancer at 30?" I asked my oncologist.
A cancer that 95% of the time ails women older than 50 years of age. Not just any breast cancer; triple negative breast cancer, the rarest form of breast cancer, the cancer with the worst prognosis, the cancer with the least available treatments.
"That is the only question I can't answer," replied the doctor.
"You know what, I take that question back. You must have mothers whose children have cancer asking why their perfect little one has cancer," I told him.

It is very easy to be negative. It is very easy to be fearful. It is very easy to be ungrateful. I don't mean to make any of this an easy battle for the Devil. If you have read my blog, you know that I mostly preach about gratitude. Gratitude is the attitude. I can sit there feeling sorry for myself, which many would understand, or I can look for perspective and seek gratitude.

Last year, three friends of mine and I prayed fervently for baby bailey. My daughter Kaylee was a year younger when a neuroblastoma claimed bailey's life at two years of age. Her parents fought fiercely for their baby girl, and in return, their baby girl never lost her beautiful spirit and smile. I still shed tears when I remember her and remember how hard I asked God to spare her.

I have loved the support and encouragement people give me, but it is really hard when people assert I will come out healed. It is a little hard to feel understood when they do this because cancer kills and it could kill me. I fear for my life and I wish that fear was acknowledged and respected instead of buried under claims that only God can make.

I don't fear death. I fear leaving my girls. People usually correct me when I say this saying I should include my husband. Ever since we got engaged, I made it clear to my husband he wasn't my happiness. No one can carry that responsibility because people are imperfect and imperfect beings fail. The only one who will not fail is God. My husband knows my happiness comes from God and I know so does his. My girls are the ones I fear for. I don't want to make them orphans at such a young age. This has been the reason for my cries to the Lord. "Oh, God, I didn't want them to grow in a broken home like mine, and now they could not have me at all!"

I was very bitter during mother's day. I am very sorry if you tagged me on a congratulation posts or sent me messages that day and I replied none. I felt there was no reason to celebrate mother's day and I was feeling really down and in need of isolation. I even told a friend I wish I hadn't become a mom just to have my girls watch me be consumed by cancer while they wonder why their mom can't hold them or play with them. "I don't want to put them through that," I said. "You are not putting them through anything," my dear Bram Van Den Heuvel said.

I have not questioned God once, which is why I even took it back when I questioned my doctor. God had been preparing me for this time. How could I question God with what others have endured? When I read stories like Zephany´s, Lauren's, Elisabeth's, I cry my eyes out. How can there be such evil on earth? I have prayed for their lives many, many nights crying fountains of tears. "Why do things like this (referring to my cancer) only happen to good people, and there are many evil men in the world healthy?" my sister-in-law asked. "You are brave and good (referring to me) and the Lord will see you out of this," a friend claimed. No. No. No. No!

I liked a post a friend shared on Facebook: "Why do bad things happen to good people? Answer: Because there are no good people.
Romans 3:23 for all have sinned and fall short of the glory of God.

The real question is: Why do good things happen to bad people? Answer: Because God is good."

When someone tries to give me any sort of praise for any "good" they see in me as claims that I will be healed, I share Kara Tipetts story. A mother of four whose life was claimed by a "better" breast cancer than mine at 36 years of age, she is my example of praising God in the storm. She is ten times more "deserving" to have been spared than I am. Yet, God's will was done and it was still good. If you clicked the link to Kara's blog, it will take you to a post of request to vulnerability and hurt. 

"I don't know how to pray," I told Bram. "Do I ask God to heal me or do I ask Him to help me accept His will?". "Both" was his reply. "Just look at Jesus; He did the same."

Matthew 26
36 Then Jesus went with his disciples to a place called Gethsemane, and he said to them, “Sit here while I go over there and pray.” 37 He took Peter and the two sons of Zebedee along with him, and he began to be sorrowful and troubled. 38 Then he said to them, “My soul is overwhelmed with sorrow to the point of death. Stay here and keep watch with me.”
39 Going a little farther, he fell with his face to the ground and prayed,“My Father, if it is possible, may this cup be taken from me. Yet not as I will, but as you will.”
40 Then he returned to his disciples and found them sleeping. “Couldn’t you men keep watch with me for one hour?” he asked Peter. 41 “Watch and pray so that you will not fall into temptation. The spirit is willing, but the flesh is weak.”
42 He went away a second time and prayed, “My Father, if it is not possible for this cup to be taken away unless I drink it, may your will be done.”
43 When he came back, he again found them sleeping, because their eyes were heavy. 44 So he left them and went away once more and prayed the third time, saying the same thing.
45 Then he returned to the disciples and said to them, “Are you still sleeping and resting? Look, the hour has come

Kara explains how hard it was when people tried to force her to be joyful when she was feeling broken because she had God with her and thus had no excuse or reason to feel down. Well, Jesus knew this better than anyone, and he was in distress. He asked to be spared. He asked His friends to ask that He was spared. He cried and pleaded and so can I and so will my friends.

I went to my first appointment at the public hospital last friday. Most of the women there were older ladies, but there were two 30 year-olds. "At least you got to be a mother" tells me this woman fighting lymphoma cancer whose husband abandoned her after he found out about the cancer. "I will never be a mom" tells me the other young woman who had a hysterectomy to save her from cervical cancer. And there I was lamenting my lost dream of a big family with 4-6 children. Count your blessings!

And so, gratitude sustains me most days. Some days, I am broken by my own fears. In those days I lay awake praying so I won't fall into temptation, knowing His will is done and in His will He will sustain and look over for my girls, through me or without me. 

Thank you for your support. It has been overwhelming. I could not concentrate on living and going through this season if I could not rest in the support I have received from all the wonderful mothers, family, and friends that have been active in helping me beat this cancer. Yesterday we found out that the genetic test I need to be able to participate in a clinical trial and take further action in my treatment has a cost of $5,000. I am confident we will be able to raise this money. I am grateful for the sacrifices and the strong fight my mother has been giving this cancer. Cancer should fear such an opponent; she is, after all, supermom! 

I start chemotherapy tomorrow. Bald head, come to me! I am excited to make you look good. 

Thanks to Tia Sara for inviting us to La Ceiba for a weekend of fun with the girls before we start my next six months of treatment. Some might find it an extravagance. Some might see it as a necessity to endure the harsh months ahead. I am just glad I had another adventure to tell the girls about. 

And show them, as I will show you, my favorite pictures.  

Yes, only pics of my daughters. How can I help myself, they are just too gorgeous. They are the apple of my eyes. Poor daddy had to work.