Mommy confessions

I thought I was different... Above it, would put it better.
I don't need to live my life under the expectations of others!
Well, what about your expectations?
And, either way, your expectations are shaped under other's shadows anyways.

I'm drying up. (Some of these motherhood things are hard to write about. Bear with me)
Yep! My daughter is not 5 months yet and my milk production has plummeted. I wanted to exclusively breastfeed. My first month back at work proved that difficult, but she was only taking one or two bottle formula a day and then taking the breastmilk bottles I'd leave. Pumping in the office's bathroom was hard and time consuming and I was getting stares from everyone. Three pumpings a day became two, then one, then none. The last week I pumped maybe I could express an ounce of milk, which seemed not worth all the trouble it required. It was all good since my milk supply was enough to feed Emmalee in the late afternoon, night, late-night, middle-of-the-night, early morning, and morning feeding and I was satisfied with that.
Not anymore. I barely have for that middle-of-the-night feeding, which thankfully has been needed less and less since Emmalee is sleeping through the night (Hooray!)
I feel let down. Let down by my body and by my expectations. I feel a failure. I have serious guilt feelings about this issue that has taken sleep away from me.
"I'll feed her all her first year," I said all the time I was pregnant.

I watch TV with her.
Right now Emmalee is beginning to learn how to giggle. It's the cutest thing. Sometimes she giggles like those babies on tv commercials, but most of the time her "giggles" sound like a squalling bird gasping for air. It's hilarious! Interaction time is longer and more varied, but sometimes she just sits on her infant seat and just stares at her fingers before taking them to her mouth and repeats, or lies in her baby gym and stares at the roof. So I watch the Big Bang Theory with her next to me.
"I'll give her early stimulation," I opened my mouth to say.

I get tired. 
Sometimes I just want to get home and lie in bed. Sometimes I don't want to gobble my food down because somehow everytime I'm eating Emmalee wants to be held or fed at that exact moment. Sometimes, I don't want to bathe her because she fell asleep and bathing her means repeating the process of getting her asleep all over again.
"When what you are doing is worth it, you find the strength for it," I naively proclaimed.

I'm depressed about my body. 
It hits me harder some days. It especially hits me hard when someone approaches me and says: "Are you pregnant again?" I even replied that once with a "Don't be stupid!"
Six months I have to wait to be able to workout again.
"Damn that c-section," I have thought. Really? You know how high infant and mother mortality was before c-sections were available? Do you realize you AND your daughter could have been in those numbers had it not been for your c-section?
Recovery takes longer. We knew that already. The injury makes your belly swell through the day making you look fatter at the end of the day than you did in the morning.
Dropping pounds is hard when you can't diet much because of milk production but you aren't losing weight because you are barely breastfeeding.
Clothes still don't fit after almost 5 months. And I won't even mention the marks in my body.
My sister looks at my belly and says "Those stretch marks are treatable. You should do something about them," to which I said "Why bother? This is just the first of many children."
"I don't care about looks. Motherhood is more precious," a fully convicted Linda professed.


Motherhood is not all peaches and roses.
It's not always pretty and I'm just getting started.
I am human and I lose sight of what matters.
This confessions don't even include my guilt feelings of being a working mom and many more confessions.
Sometimes I need to write down what's bugging my insides and look at it face on. I need to put the things that are bringing me down against the light and truth of the Word of God.

Don't forget your calling:

Titus 2:5

To be self-controlled, pure, working at home, kind, and submissive to their own husbands, that the word of God may not be reviled.

Never lose hope:

Jeremiah 29:11

For I know the plans I have for you, declares the Lord, plans for welfare and not for evil, to give you a future and a hope.

Emmalee will grow at her own pace. You will teach her much. Just do the following:

Deutoronomy 6:6-7

6 And these words that I command you today shall be on your heart. 7 You shall teach them diligently to your children, and shall talk of them when you sit in your house, and when you walk by the way, and when you lie down, and when you rise.

Most important truth on the matter of beauty: Your husband sees you beautiful:

Songs of Solomon 4:7

You are altogether beautiful, my love; there is no flaw in you.

1 Peter 3:3-4

Do not let your adorning be externa, the braiding of hair and the putting on of gold jewelry, or the clothing you wear, but let your adorning be the hidden person of the heart with the imperishable beauty of a gentle and quiet spirit, which in God's sight is very precious.

Proverbs 31:30

Charm is deceitful, and beauty is vain, but a woman who fears the Lord is to be praised.

God's beauty I should seek:

Psalm 27:4

One thing have I asked of the Lord, that will I seek after: that I may dwell in the house of the Lord all the days of my life, to gaze upon the beauty of the Lord and to inquire in his temple.

You'll have to longer for that physical exercise, but it is of little value anyways and spiritual exercise is at hand.

1 Timothy 4:8

Physical exercise has some value, but spiritual exercise is much more important, for it promises a reward in both this life and the next.

And for your haughty expectations and ranter:

Romans 12:3

3 For by the grace given to me I say to everyone among you not to think of himself more highly than he ought to think, but to think with sober judgment, each according to the measure of faith that God has assigned.

Yep! That's what I needed!

Oh the light of the Word!

Something bringing you down? Bring it against the Word!

She IS all peaches and roses! :)

Bittersweet first Mother's day celebration.

That's how little Emma went dressed to our mother's day celebration.

"Will you go to the mother's day meeting tomorrow?" my sweet mother-in-law asked me. She and the other wonderful ladies of the woman's ministry of our church had been planning the mother's day reunion for weeks.
I didn't have money to pay for my ticket. I didn't know my darling husband had bought one for me already!
It filled my heart with such joy.
"Can I take Emmalee with me?" I asked.
"Why don't you leave her dad and have the night free?" she replied.
"No. I get so little time with her. I would rather stay home with her," I replied a little stubbornly.
"Well, then bring her. She is a darling anyways," she said witha smile.
I'm excited for tonight for my first mother's day celebration at church. I have served in many of those meetings as a waitress, a singer, and a decorater. Today I'll be celebrating with the other moms and taking my daughter with me (It's a good thing she is little and well behaved.)

You would think that I always put time with my daughter first. You'd be wrong. I wrote of the agony (yes, agony) I went through on my first day back to work here. Now that it's been a while, I'm numb to it? Is that the description I'm looking for? Accustomed? So is the case that I've mused with the idea of continuing to work full time and put Emmalee in a nursery and later a school so we can afford our own house and give her things we never had. I hear my husband say these words alot: "Give them what I never had."
My husband and I have come from different worlds.
He was raised by his mom and dad with little riches.
I was raised by a single mom who was very prosperous financially.
I had my first car when I was 17. I was given my first credit card which mom paid fully when I was 18, and I got to travel. These are the things my husband speaks of giving our kids.
He was raised in a house where mom and dad slept in the same room, all the family ate dinner at the table together, dad loves mom and mom is submissive and serviceable to dad. These are the things I speak of giving to our kids.
I always tell my husband he grew richer than I. Why would I lose track of the riches I want my daughter to enjoy?

And it saddens me how little I and those around me know of parenting.
I wonder if I asked any young couple now what the purpose of having children is what would their answer be?

Psalm 127:3

Behold, children are a heritage from the Lord, the fruit of the womb a reward. Like arrows in the hand of a warrior are the children of one's youth. Blessed is the man who fills his quiver with them! He shall not be put to shame when he speaks with his enemies in the gate.

Psalm 128:3-5

Your wife will be like a fruitful vine within your house; your children will be like olive shoots around your table. Behold, thus shall the man be blessed who fears the Lord. The Lord bless you from Zion! May you see the prosperity of Jerusalem all the days of your life!

"Why would you want so many children?" I'm constantly asked in church. 

And I ask myself, "Well, what do you believe when you read verse like these that say 'Blessed is the man who fill his quiver with them.' 'Thus shall the man be blessed who fears the Lord'?" I love how children are compared to arrows. Our children are to be God's emisaries to spread the gospel and make disciples all around the earth. They are alive for His purpose. And how are we to beat the world if they are superior in numbers? And thus the more arrows the warrior has the more marks he'll hit, the more damage he'll make, the more impact he'll have. 

I've been reading alot about abortion. Abortion is still illegal in my country, thank God. But abortion in other countries breaks my heart. And I have wondered what I can do to stop it? What can I do to be used against this movement? And I feel shame because I've contributed to the thinking that got it legalized in other countries and the reason why it's being pushed to be legalized in mine: Discrimination. 

I was a teacher to grades 7th to 11th in 2008 in my old school teaching English class. I loved being a teacher. I loved sharing with my students and teaching them and trying to move them to be more like Christ. I had this 7th grader who was shy and unpopular. I tried to spend time with her make her see who precious she was for Jesus. I befriended her on facebook to keep contact while I was away in Mexico. She changed school and started hanging with a different crowd. Her body bloomed and with it her popularity and friends count. She started posting provocative pictures of her on facebook. I adviced her a couple of times and after a while decided to erase her from my friends. I found out through her brother that she had a baby girl two months after my own. I remember thinking: "Poor baby, to be born to such a mother." I had discarded her for her attire choices when it was clear she was desperate for approval. 

Why has abortion become legal?

Because girls get pregnant and become ostracized for their irresponsibility and sinfulness; the rejection mainly from their families and church. 

This is not a "poor baby" as I judmentally affirmed. This baby is loved and lucky. Mom's all over the world are murdering their children inside them. This young ex-student of mine was brave enough to bring her child into the world and grant her life.  

How many times have you passed judgment to other mothers for their children making a fuss in the supermarket? How many times have you judged single mothers who have children from different fathers, none who married them? How much good has these judgments done to them or the world? What good have you contributed?

Passing judgment is easy (and let's not forget completely forbidden to us Christians!)
Were are we being like Christ? How are we loving our neighbor? How are we tending to the sick and sinful?

In this month of mother's day celebrations I want to stop and pray for the unborn and ask that they get a chance at life. I want to pray for those mother's who have aborted and that they might find forgiveness and hope. I pray for the valiant mothers that are parenting in the "not-ideal" situation and doing it alone. I want to pray for myself and ask that God grants me the wisdom to raise my daughter for His glory and fill my quiver with many arrows. I want to be humbled, broken, and forgiven for all my sins and be granted compassion and grace instead. 

I invite you to read this blog:

http://www.generationcedar.com/main/2013/05/on-mothers-day-abortion-the-churchs-part.html

It truly touched my heart. 

Let us stop our rejection of what on my church has come to be known as the "whichi wachi" christians (The Christians who don't wholeheartdly commit to Christ and continue to purse attitudes and practices of the world.)
That girl you are rejecting because she dates alot is trying to fill a void in her heart.
That girl you are rejecting because she dresses inappropriately and flirts alot might be hurting inside.
That friend who likes to drink and smoke might just be trying to fit in so he/she won't be alone.
And Jesus would sit with them and share time with them and be put into the same group as them for hanging with them.
Will you accept the unaccepted to show love and hope when most show rejection? Will you help stop the mindset that drives woman to abortion instead of adoption?
Or for that matter, the mindset that drives the christian living in sin to go away from church?

Lord,
I'm sorry. I'm sorry I didn't reach out more to my little student. I'm sorry I instead judge her and judge her motherhood quality. I'm sorry I thought my daughter had it better with me as her mother. Lord, teach me. Teach me humility. Don't let pride rule my life. Teach me I'm no better mom the next. Teach me the only way I'll be a good mom is by closely clinging to You and your principles. Teach me love, true love, the hard kind of love, the type of love that can love the unloved, the type of love that gives and does not receive, the type of love that never gives up and is unconditional. Let me raise children that will love like You. Only You can save us from ourselves. Let me raise children close to You.  

Amen!

Daydreaming

Daydreaming...
Is it good? Is it bad? Does it cause you to dream big? Does it move you to discontent on finding it's only a dream?
I have found both questions to be true.
I love pinterest. I'm not a crazy pinner pinning everything she sees, but I like to scroll, search, and see other people's boards on many things. I don't like to pin something I don't intend on making. Pretty much everything I pin I put my hand at work.
But there is so much more I wish I could pin and I know I don't have the time.
And then I am tempted to pin "for the future" and this brings sadness to my heart.
What if that future never comes?
And I hate being peisimistic. Being optimistic has brought so much more.
However when I browse pinterest with an optimistic view I start listing all the things I want to learn to do:
Reupholster furniture, paint and stain wood, carpentry, sewing projects, gardening, baking, cooking, decorating, teachings, crafting.
I want to do it all.
You see, DIYing fills my heart with joy.
Putting my daughter's shoes on and seeing how gorgeous she looks on something I did just makes me smile.

I read a blog from a homemaker who dreams on having a homestead. I like her blog because of the healthy recipes she posts but more often than not I find her discontent on the fact that she desires a homestead so badly and she has to slowly build up from where she is. Even with all her disappointment of not being where she wants to, I see that she manages to get more and more done and come closer to her dream.

This makes me questions dreams. Some of your dreams won't come true. How will you cope with that? With a grateful heart? But more importantly, how far will you go to make your dreams happen? And this is where I tell this heart of mine to be still and wise and act with caution.

DIYing makes me extremely happy. It doesn't matter if it's 2 am in the morning and I'm still at work on my sewing machine and I have to get up early to go to work the next day. I am so happy doing a project I don't mind. But my body minds.
My body passes the check the next morning or the next week and my health is the on that's charged.
My family time is also charged with my love of DIYing.
Will I use the little time I have with my husband and daughter locked up in my craft room?  (Yes, feel free to be jealous; I have a craft room ^_^)
It all becomes a balancing act.
If Emmalee is asleep and the hubs has the need to play some FIFA on his PS3, then by all means use that time to enjoy some DIY, but otherwise, it's not the time.

I'm using a small example of "small" dreams that you pursue while you sacrifice another part of your life. Don't wait to have children because you want a bigger bank account or a your own house. Your fertility will not wait forever. Don't wait on getting married because you want to do this or that before. Do it with your husband!
A couple told us they didn't want to have kids yet because they wanted to travel first. Well, we already traveled with my daughter and we are planning on traveling again soon. And BTW, a baby's plane ticket is super cheap or no charge at all (depending on the plane company). I paid $33 for Emmalee on our flight to Panama.

And if yes, some dreams get put on hold or completely canceled, don't be discontent.
I see other women's blogs with their beautiful decorated houses or their gorgeous gardens or sewing projects. I think to myself: I could do that. But if I'm not doing it now at least be doing something that matters for eternity. At least be investing your dreams and energy and joy on things that matter to God like your family, your husband, your daughter, your neighbor, your friend in need, etc.

But I guess I would also tell my heart to no stop dreaming. Never stop trying, never stop pursuing, never stop learning and improving (always under God's will and guidance). To those that tell me they can't do the things I can I tell them I'm nothing especial. The difference between you and me is that I have tried to do it and succeed and you have never even tried.
Take joy on the little things. Take joy on how blessed you are to be alive and to know God.
I am thinking of doing some DIY posts on the blog but I don't want to forget why I started this blog.
It's not meant to be an "OOH! look at all the things I can make" or "see how creative and amazing I am." It's not meant to try to match the beautiful DIY blogs that has millions of readers. It's meant to record my life and what I learn from every breath I take and how I want with every breath give God glory.
And I must put DIYing under the scope and analyze what the Lord is trying to teach me with it: patience, contentment, wise use of my time, joy, hope and dreams, love.

My DIY is not perfect but is done with love.
Here are pics of Emmalee on her lovely DIY shoes (Seriously, baby shoes are so expensive and she'll wear them for two months tops. It's ridiculous. DIY is also good for the economy!)

And I got to decorate a baby shower with sweet friends (which makes DIY time so much better)

Yep, DIYing is fun! :)

Dear Emmalee/ 4 Months

Dear Emmalee,

You are now 4 months! 

You are now an international baby. We went to visit your grandma on Panama City and you were a darling on the airplane. People would look at you with a little fear of the rambunctious cries they thought you'd make, but you proved them wrong being a pleasant company on both rides. 

Everyone was crazy to meet you in Panama. The people you and I hadn't met yet but had showered us with gifts and prayers were a wonderful treat. They introduced you to the church and they prayed for you to live a life for Christ. 

This is my greatest desire for you. 

This I will instil in you, and I will guard and protect in you: That you love your God with all your heart and all your mind and all your strength.

Mommy got a little worried because you became very silent when we came back from Panama, but you are as boisterous as ever! You even wake up and "talk" to yourself in your crib a little every morning.

You are sleeping in your own room! So big girl of you! Daddy insisted because mommy would have kept you close forever, but it was for the best.

You got your first flu. :(

Mommy was vigilant and scared, but even sick you were giggly and affable.

Your new thing is to smile with your tongue out. Makes you look crazy, baby girl.

You LOVE standing up. You cry if I don't place you on your two feet when you want to. It's your most demanding moment. I don't mind. 

Life is so beautiful with you in it. Your favorite place to sleep is still on top of mommy.  

Your hair is as crazy as always, but soon it will be long enough for me to hold together under a headband. You look beautiful anyways. I just care because people won't stop nagging me to comb your hair (as if it can be tame! ^_^)

I am eternally greatful with God for your life, baby girl! You have blessed us beyond my imagination. 

I love you forever,

Mommy.

Heartbroken for my country

I'm here today with my heart broken.
I'm heartbroken to see the kind of planet we live in.
Lately the atheist I talk to no longer try to prove God is not real. My argument that evolution is also accepted by faith makes them not want to go there. Instead, they try to make me reject God with questions like: "How could your loving god kill everyone in the planet with a flood."
I was thinking in these questions the atheist like to make me and I was thinking "I wish God did the same today!"

Today I read of six year old little girl who lost her life riding the bus from school to her home because some man went in to rob the passengers and an armed passenger defended his hard earned, day's pay and started a shooting.
It breaks my heart I read stories like this every single day in my country. Sometimes more than one news a day. News of  a "friend" who killed a family in the heat of a soccer game and many drinks. News of a young man starting his small carpentry business and being killed because he refused to pay the extorsion from gangs. News of a man who killed a two year old girl because she was crying in the night and woke him up. News of a 15 year old girl and her body guard killed when a hitman shot so many bullets to the car they were riding he also killed a woman vendor in a fruit stand behind the car. Or a little boy shot in the chest while playing in his aunt's lap in their backyard because policeman and gang members were in a confrontation in their neighborhood, leaving the aunt and his sister in the hospital while mom was at work oblivious.
It breaks my heart you never hear news of any justice made or murderers captured.
It breaks my heart when our president has the nerve to go infront of the cameras and say there isn't much violence in my country when the city of San Pedro Sula is ranked as one of the most violent cities in the world.
My heart is broken. It hurts for my fellow country men that lose their lives in this narcotraffic, gang filled country of mine. I cry for the innocent that lose their lives for nothing, for corruption. I cry for the brave ones who tried to make a difference in the government and were killed, some alongside with their families.
Today I read the news of the eight year old boy who lost his life in the Boston explotions during the Boston marathon. He was just waiting for his dad to get to the finish line to cheer for him, to hug his dad and say congrats. But some evil men planted bombs to kill innocent for what? For what??!!!!

And so my broken heart thinks of men's evil, perverted hearts and understands why God would consume them with fire and water. If my heart is broken, I wonder if God's is also broken. God, Who hears the cries of the innocent pleading for their lives before murderers, Who sees men walk away from Him and bring suffering to his neighbor, must be heartbroken too.

It's a good thing God is God and I am not.
Today I weep for my country as the Spirit in me gently tells me to forgive and trust in God's justice. I weep eventhough I am reminded I must pray for my authorities even if they are corrupted. The Spirit reminds me to grab hold of love, peace, and joy instead of bitterness, anger, and hatred.
It reminds me to be grateful for the life I am given today and the fact that my loved ones are by my side.
It reminds me Jesus weeps with me as I weep for those in pain far away and so does He.

My heart goes to the families and victims of these horrible acts of violence. Let this be a reminder of life's fragility and how we must not lose time to give the Gospel. Go give someone near you the gospel today. Life in this earth is nothing compared to eternity. Let us not forget the Cross. Let our hearts be broken if someone does not know the beauty of Christ and what He did for us in the Cross. Today is the day.

Dear God,
Let this be my reaction to this violence in my country: that I might shine brighter with your gospel wherever I go! Use me to replace hatred and hurting with Your peace and love. Let us remember You were a victim of violence; You, Who is the Son of God and almighty, suffered for love for us. Thank You, Lord, for Your mercy and grace to this evil-doing mankind, for your mercy and grace to me!
I love You.

Our Panama Trip

It was such an enormous blessing to see my mom on Easter week.
My mom had been with us during December and Janaury to help with Emmalee's birth, but since there were so many post-partum complications, I didn't enjoy her company much because I was in alot of pain.
I was eager for her to see Emmalee and see how much she has changed and grown and how cute she is interacting with everyone.
Mom and Emmalee sure enjoyed their time together; it was the first time I heard Emmalee laugh out loud.
It was Emmalee's (obviously) and Rodol's first airplane trip!


Panama City is beautiful. We really enjoyed it.
On our first day we took a walk on the historic city center "Casco Viejo." We enjoyed buying some souvenirs for our loved ones back home and enjoying the beach and city skyline views for pictures together.

Next day we visited the Panama Canal Musuem. For a Civil Engineer husband, it was like entering a candy store.

We checked in on the Westin Hotel Resort that my mom got as a courtesy for all the medical conventions she has hosted there. Can I hear a "Woo hoo!" for free stay at a gorgeous new hotel? :)
Emmalee enjoyed her first time "in" the pool.

 I only let her feet in the pool because I considered her too young to be exposed to such chloride content. She rocked her bathing suit though!

Are you liking her matching headbands made by mommy?

Can I hear a "Hooray!" for fancy hotel meals?! The hotel had a barbacue themed night that had melts-in-your-mouth steak. Happy hubby again! Emmalee looked soooo cute on her formal dress.

After checking out of the hotel :(, we got to have a super fun, family bike ride down the Cosway.

Last day was shopping day and we visited the local Great Comission Church in Panama, but we took pics of that day with my sis' cam. It was truly a blessing to meet my mom's friends that had been sending us gifts for Emmalee and showered us with prayers during the pregnancy. They have blessed us from afar and we were more blessed to meet them at last. Lilly and I got to sing Heart of Worship during the service and the pastor presented Emmalee and prayed for our family's lives. It was a wonderful time.

Thank You, Lord, for being so good to us. We are undeserving!

Loving thy enemies and life's astounding contradictions

I have an enemy.
I realized this today.
The fact that I had not realized he was my enemy had made me ignorant of the condition of my own heart.

I think of myself as forgiving. I don't know if forgiving is the right word or just not-given-to-resentment. The things is I don't hold grudges. I would self righteously smile at any meeting in church where the sermon was about forgiveness and the Pastor would ask: "Do you have anyone in your life you haven't forgiven?" I would smile inside and say: "No :)."

Oh how blind we are to how much transforming of the heart from God we need; at least I am.
Truth is I've been hating this person for a very long time. More than two years to be exact. In all this time I haven't stopped and think of how I am disobeying God. All this time I've felt entitled and justified to feel like I do towards this person.

I never thought I'd hate anyone. No one has ever wronged me to a point where I would hate them. This person is wronging someone I love; and that makes it harder for me to forgive, especially since this loved one of mine being wronged is very fragile and hurting. The situation is pretty bad and this person keeps making it worst and worst. I've felt I have the right to despise him and I confess I've even wished him dead. How come I've been harboring such horrible feelings without feeling ashamed with myself instead?

Matthew 5:44

43 “You have heard that it was said, ‘Love your neighbor and hate your enemy.’ 44 But I tell you, love your enemies and pray for those who persecute you, 45 that you may be children of your Father in heaven. He causes his sun to rise on the evil and the good, and sends rain on the righteous and the unrighteous. 46 If you love those who love you, what reward will you get? Are not even the tax collectors doing that? 47 And if you greet only your own people, what are you doing more than others? Do not even pagans do that? 48 Be perfect, therefore, as your heavenly Father is perfect.

I hate this person. Even after reading these verses, I know I hate him still. I don't want to. I realized that all this time I have never prayed for this person, even though he is a brother in the faith. As I mentioned before, I've wished him wrong. If I heard he was in some sort of accident, I'd be rooting for him not to make it. It's horrible! How have I felt justified to hating him so? Is it because of what he has done and keeps doing. So? Are the verses above in any moment justifying hating an enemy and free me from the commandment of loving him?

What if he really disappeared from our lives? Would everything be fixed? What if something did happened to him? Would I rejoice?

I was watching a movie with the hubs where a burglar murdered the wife's husband and kids. I told my hubs: "If that happened to me, I'd hunt that man down and kill him. I would even take my time and give him a slow painful death." I stopped and then said: "But God says 'Vengeance is Mine'. Would I obey God, just forgive, and let Him do me justice? I would have to. That would be hard to do."

So I am able to reach to that conclusion with a scenario as horrible as that one, but not reach to the conclusion it's the same with this person? The consequences of his actions are devastating to our family. He has contributed to us hurting for almost three years. He refuses to stop and leave. Even my husband has expressed desire of beating him up.

I haven't stopped to think if he is hurting or what he has suffered as well. I really don't care. But I am commanded to love him. I am commanded to pray for him. I am commanded to help him. Maybe all this time this is what has been missing in our family to do to finally see our prayers answered. God uses everything for His glory and He is teaching us a very hard lesson and we are missing it. We must obey. Only in obedience to God is there freedom to sin. Only in following God's way is there true joy and happiness amidst trials.

So, new resolution: I will forgive this person. I will pray for this because I don't know how to. If I look at myselft and realize how God should me too and I have wronged His loved ones and He still loves me and forgives me, is not as hard as I think. I will ask forgiveness to this person for my feelings and towards him. I will pray for his life and that he might do God's will. I will never speak ill of him again. I will share this to my family and ask that we all practice this loving thy enemy. I will be mindful of my heart. I will realize that being forgiving includes forgiving those who wrong my loved ones.

Life is astoundingly contradictory to me. I can not understand how horrible times coexist with happy times.
I had just heard from my mom that a friend of the family had shot himself in the head. My heart sunk in terrible shock and pain for the family. I was there at my desk praying for his family and feeling pretty gloom. Minutes later I was laughing at a joke some one told me. I thought: "How can I laugh when someone I know and love is terribly hurting." It felt like a huge contradiction. To me, life should stop in those moments. I should feel sad and have no room for any other feeling. Life should stop. But it doesn't and I still laugh. That makes me hopeful. If you know what we have been suffering, you would probably understand why this makes me hopeful.

After all, the only truth is that God has commanded us to love everyone around us. We never know when we might not have a chance to this with the people around us so I must do it everyday. May God show me and guide me to live this way.