On losing sleep

Today I went back to work. The heartbreak of leaving little Emmalee behind kept me up all night. We've been unseparable for the past 51 days. I turned to my husband and said "I'm sad" and before he could embrace me I was sobbing like a little girl. Seriously, I cried longer than Emmalee does; louder too.

Rodol tried his best to calm me down. "You'll wake the baby," he said. That was enough to get me to try to calm down. I didn't succeed in calming down for at least 10 minutes more. 

I was an emotional mess yesterday. I saw this episode of Private Practice (I don't watch this show but the commercials caught my attention) that literally broke my heart. A doctor in the show was pregnant with triplettes and went into premature labour and delivered one of her baby girls at 26 weeks. The baby had to have surgery and looked really small. In a scene a doctor mentioned a fellow doctor had delivered a baby with no brain. I googled "baby with no brain" and was not prepared for what I saw. I then watched the episode of the show where this baby was born and went to take a bath crying the whole time. 

I'm so blessed. So inmensely blessed! My baby girl was born healthy and beautiful. She wakes up and stares at my face and smiles and says her "agus" to me. It's the most beautiful thing in the world. I was feeding her and she kept staring at me so attentive and even smiled while eating. I couldn't stop thinking of what I had seen and how true people endure such situations. I was stunned by how much a human can withstand. I go back to all the things I feared like stillbirth or birth complications and remember how blessed I am and how I must kneel in gratitude before God's goodness. 

And eventhough I knew how much I had to be grateful for, I couldn't battle my sadness. Rodol comforted me and reminded me of all I had to be grateful for. He lovingly caressed my head and prayed for my peace. I again took heart from my example of strength and courage: my mother. To think she had to go to work leaving three little ones behind! And she didn't have the ilussion of one day staying at home when her husband could sustain the house because she had no husband. She did it alone, and I don't remember my mom crying her eyes out or seeming sad. She came home happy to see us and ready to spend time with us. I'm so lucky I have such a great mom. To think that children give heartache to their parents seems preposterous to me after them sacrificing everything for you. 

A Big Band Theory episode I hadn't seen helped ease my distress and a good night feeding Emmalee (at 2 am!) finally got me asleep.   

And to the things that keep me up sometimes, I give you this scripture:

Psalm 139

For the director of music. Of David. A psalm.

1 You have searched me, Lord,

and you know me.

2 You know when I sit and when I rise;

you perceive my thoughts from afar.

3 You discern my going out and my lying down;

you are familiar with all my ways.

4 Before a word is on my tongue

you, Lord, know it completely.

5 You hem me in behind and before,

and you lay your hand upon me.

6 Such knowledge is too wonderful for me,

too lofty for me to attain.

7 Where can I go from your Spirit?

Where can I flee from your presence?

8 If I go up to the heavens, you are there;

if I make my bed in the depths, you are there.

9 If I rise on the wings of the dawn,

if I settle on the far side of the sea,

10 even there your hand will guide me,

your right hand will hold me fast.

11 If I say, “Surely the darkness will hide me

and the light become night around me,”

12 even the darkness will not be dark to you;

the night will shine like the day,

for darkness is as light to you.

13 For you created my inmost being;

you knit me together in my mother’s womb.

14 I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made;

your works are wonderful,

I know that full well.

15 My frame was not hidden from you

when I was made in the secret place,

when I was woven together in the depths of the earth.

16 Your eyes saw my unformed body;

all the days ordained for me were written in your book

before one of them came to be.

17 How precious to me are your thoughts, God!

How vast is the sum of them!

18 Were I to count them,

they would outnumber the grains of sand—

when I awake, I am still with you.

19 If only you, God, would slay the wicked!

Away from me, you who are bloodthirsty!

20 They speak of you with evil intent;

your adversaries misuse your name.

21 Do I not hate those who hate you, Lord,

and abhor those who are in rebellion against you?

22 I have nothing but hatred for them;

I count them my enemies.

23 Search me, God, and know my heart;

test me and know my anxious thoughts.

24 See if there is any offensive way in me,

and lead me in the way everlasting.

This one specially: 

16 Your eyes saw my unformed body; all the days ordained for me were written in your book before one of them came to be. Our days are numbered. No worrying or losing sleep will change that. The Lord is good. 

Please, dear God, in Your goodness and will may You grant me many days with my daughter and my husband! I love You and again praise You for Your goodness to me and blessing me with my child. Please guard her in her upcoming vaccine appointment; You know my fears on that; I lay them at Your feet. 

Sound asleep in mommy's arms in God's hands