Bringing my Thoughts Captive

When I first started my blog it was a place to clear my thoughts by putting them into writing, rant if I wanted to and didn’t feel social media was the place for that, record my life for myself and my loved ones who cared, and mainly share what God does in my life through the mundane. My lessons became less “mundane” when they included my battle with cancer. I felt the lessons I learned during that time were deeper that my mundane life was no longer worthy.

This got me in a writing funk. I even started the daunting task of writing my first book about my life. I kept only writing about the hard in my life making me feel the book was a hot mess. I stopped hoping I would go back to it until “inspiration” hit again. The more I searched for this inspiration the worst I felt about my writing. A friend simply advised: write for yourself. And I feel that is the best advice ever. This is why I used to love writing. I didn’t do it with anyone in mind. The fact that my writing was approved and liked of course had an effect in me, but it was never the purpose or intention.

And so, in an effort to kickstart my writing that I have so dearly missed, I will go back to writing with only me in mind.

Depression. Oh, monstruous faceless beast, how am I to finally defeat you? Can I defeat you? I’ve been learning the different facets of depression. The best way I can describe it is a roller coaster. It has highs and lows. On my highs, I get things done. I do more healthy and hearty meals. I cover more school material and make the classes fun and interactive. I do DIY projects for my home or myself. I work on my yoga and unlock new poses. On my lows, I get by. I resort to fast meals like burgers and hot dogs. On very lows my girls are self-sufficient to make themselves a ham and cheese sandwich or a pb&j sandwich when mom can’t even leave the bed. I barely cover any school material. I resort to the independent work or an educational episode of the Magic School bus. I feel successful if at least the house is not upside-down, and the pile of dishes is not too high. The pile of laundry most definitely is. I consider taking the dog out to pee my workout for the day.

The lows hurt. They hurt my progress. They hurt my family. They hurt my sense of worth. They fill me with self-loathing for how mediocre I used a day I was given. I berate myself into an even lower low.

Lately, I’ve been searching for the highs and hoping to hold on to them as much as possible. I’ve been trying to be kinder to myself in my mind. I try to remember I’ve had worse lows. I try to have hope. If the genius Jon Foreman can only give as a response “Life, Love, and Why?”, what else can I add to the conundrum?

For me, the problem lately has been my lack of hope. I just don’t foresee the future being any better. I hate all the “self help inspirational” quotes and posts that fill our feeds these days, but I always read them trying to find anything I can use. I found one that had a list of “goals” similar to my own with one important addendum. My goals list for the day looks like this:

1) basics: read your Bible and spend time in prayer.

2) Eat mindfully and guard your sleep (a.k.a. no binging, both for food and for tv).

3) Do all your work before any breaks. (a.k.a. you can only pick your phone at the end of the day)

4) Workout.

5) Avoid comparing yourself to others, even to your own self yesterday.

6) Envision success.

Number 6 was the addendum. This is something I never do and intentionally avoid doing. The only times I allow myself to do this is when I plan a birthday party, got a cake order, DIY something I see online. I believe I can do it. I trust I can do it. I can do it.

I never let myself think I can do a push up. I never let myself think I’ll be able to consistently go to bed at a good time and wake up early. My mind has set limits based on my pain and illness. “I will wake up all night from the pain of neuropathy, so sleeping well is not up to me. I won’t be able to do a push up because I have no pectoral muscle left (I literally don’t after aggressive double mastectomy). My lymphedema will flare up again so I can’t train more. My anxiety from lack of sleep and lack of working out will lead to food binging. I just can’t do it. I’ll just fall back into my old habits. I’ll just fail again.”

This is only the tip of the iceberg when it comes to my self-loathing tendencies after I analyze myself as a mother, wife, daughter, or disciple. “I’ll never be able to stop raising my voice no matter how hard I try. I wish my daughters had a ‘complete’ mom who is not always in pain. Poor husband of mine stuck with such a wife! I’m always so short-tempered with my mom for no reason.”

And do I believe any of that will get better? Do I envision myself even achieving any improvement?

Not one iota!

No wonder I have no hope. These are just my everyday goals and I have no hope or trust of succeeding. Why would I have long-term goals I would definitely not trust myself, my God, or my life of ever achieving!

And so, I’ve been reading Bible verses that have been calling me to action.

2 Cor. 10:5 “Take every thought captive to the obedience of Christ.”

I have to say this “envision success” has lowered my negativity and boosted my positivity. I sorely needed this because I was drowning in my negativity on pit of hopelessness and many tears. I was crying while doing the dishes, crying while doing class with the girls, crying while in the shower. FOR ABSOLUTELY NO REASON other than my deep negativity.

1 Thesalonians 5:  16-18

16 Rejoice always, 17 pray continually, 18 give thanks in all circumstances; for this is God’s will for you in Christ Jesus.

This one hit me especially hard when reading “This is the will of God for YOU in Christ Jesus.” I want to be known by my girls and loved ones as a happy, cheerful, positive person. Times are hard and we need that energy. I am known that way in many circles, but not my inner circle. I want that for my family. But I want to be able not to hate on myself and start beating myself down when I’m unable. Depression is a disease. A disease for which I can’t afford treatment or medicine as I was at the beginning of the year when the world was actually less grim.

I’ve been on antidepressant withdrawal that has left me with a bombardment of suicidal thoughts. At one exceptionally low point I verbalized to my girls “I wish I was dead. You´d be better off without me.” Tears immediately flew from my eldest eyes and my youngest just held my arm for dear life. “But we need you,” my 7-year-old feels compelled to say in an attempt to rescue her mommy from such thoughts. I do not take this incident lightly. In fact, I would say it is one of my worst lows as a mother and one of the worst damages I could have done to my girls. They don’t need to worry that mommy is thinking that or crying without prompting. “I wish you’d never had cancer,” Emmalee says with a heaviness in her voice you can tell she has been thinking it for a long time. When she hears mommy has a checkup or sees the band aid from where they drew blood, she complains of stomachaches or suffers from teeth grinding.

All I´ve ever wanted was to make them a happy home, but that needs a happy mom for the formula to work. I do not envision myself feeling happy. I’m utterly surprised when I do. I need to change that. I’m in a battle with myself. How do you tell yourself that what you think or want is not what you should think or want and tell yourself to change that thought that yourself is feeding you? Am I describing temptation? I think in a sense I am, and this is why the encouragement is to take CAPTIVE EVERY THOUGHT to the obedience of CHRIST.

I still feel very lonely in my lows. I shared one of them with my mom and left her in tears as well. What mom would not react that way when hearing your daughter say she feels life is not worth living. She asked me if it’s not worth it for my daughters. I said “No.” (When someone is in an emotional low, what they’re saying can’t be taken as truth). My reasons to that “no” was that I honestly feel the girls and my family would be better off without me. These, of course, are lies of the Devil; lies that I recognize as such but am still such a weakling that I repeat them out loud and give them strength. “We demolish arguments and every pretension that sets itself up against the knowledge of God…” says the beginning of 2 Cor 10:5. Can’t forget that goes hand in hand with taking every thought back to the obedience of Christ.

Capturing my mind requires stillness, something I had been resistant to do. I’m getting a little better, and these spaces of self-reflection help. I’ve been using my journal as a place to boost positivity by only writing gratitude. I’m resistant to share these things because I wish I could share them when I have an answer to them, when I could share what I learned, when I could share steps into getting better. I guess I have to accept that it’s a roller coaster. It breaks my trust when I know I’ve been spending more time in the Bible than before, and I’m still struggling with these issues. If you think these have an easy fix, you are not acquainted with depression and have no business telling others how “easy” it is for you to shift your thoughts.

Finally, I want to add one more thing to the list:

8) It’s not about you.

Proverbs 4:23, GNT Be careful how you think; your life is shaped by your thoughts.

This is a different translation to “Guard your heart above all things for from it comes life.” I really like this translation. Your heart is what you think. Look at this next verse:

Proverbs 23: 7 For as he thinks in his heart, so is he. He says to you, “Eat and drink!” But his heart is not with you.    

Here we can see that what you think and what you say don’t always match. But it gets better when you pair it with this verse:

Psalm 19:14, NLT May the words of my mouth and the meditation of my heart be pleasing to you, O LORD, my rock and my redeemer.

If this is your “vision of success” you’ll seek to have both your words and thought not only match, but intentionally seek to be “captive to the obedience of Christ” which will take you to intentionally do this verse:

Philippians 4:8, ESV whatever is true, whatever is honorable, whatever is just, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is commendable, if there is any excellence, if there is anything worthy of praise, think about these things.

It’s not about me. I need to put that into the center of my thoughts, which is why the command is “captive to the obedience of CHRIST.” I don’t live my life because I think it’s worth it. I live it to give Him glory. He has said to me that He glorifies Himself in my weakness too. My lows are not without His presence, His love, or His glorifying in my life. He is strong when I am weak. Those lows are days I must rely on Him to be stronger. Can I have hope in Him? I must. It’s all that matter in the end.

And so, my Lord give me days of rest to quiet the turmoil within and give me friendship and beauty. Oh, how my heart was filled by this beautiful day shared with highly loved brothers and sisters.

My Panama sisters consists of a Honduran called Jackie and a Salvadorean called Tita. Oh, how I love these girls!

The grownups had a fun frisbee game. Jackie doesn't know how good she looks throwing with that sunset backdrop.

It was completely dark and thundering minutes before we met up at the park. We almost cancelled our day out, but we knew the Panama weather is crazy fluctuating.

We were completely alone in the field, so Kaylee took her mask for a breather. We have all been very vigilant with the quarantine, so we were confident in our company.

I hope our kids grow up to be best friends!

Jackie made fun of Tita and me for smiling while using our masks. XD