The Church is Me!

I was hesitant on writing my last post because I didn't want to write  something "bad" about a specific church. I was writing about churches and Christianity in general. It is hard for those who read it not to have a specific church in mind because they knew what church I had attended most of my life and had also attended there themselves. 

There are a few things I want to make clearer.

1) I never meant to call anyone specifically a "bad apple." If you remember my post, this was a comment on my friend´s post. Her post said that if the teaching is wrong, you can't say it's some "bad apples" straying you away from Christianity. I happen to agree with her. One of the things I don´t know if my previous post made clear is that I am included in those perpetuating teachings straying away others. I wrote the post because I don't take that lightly. I have a responsibility in the part I played, whether it was intentional or not. I was part of "church-cliques." I was in the "spiritual" clique always a pastor darling. I didn't care for others, including my siblings who were feeling left out and seen as less because I was "in". If anything, I was the biggest bad apple. 

2) I never meant to say all the church leaders were bad and everyone in that church is bad. If I happen to still have many close and good friends from that church is because they add to my life in friendship and in Christ. Some of the things that happened in my youth were wrong. I need to talk about that. My post and the responses I got in private show me this needs to be addressed. A lot of people are hurt, but no one will speak about it. But speaking for the sake of speaking can lead to sin, as James reminds us (Read James chapter 3). I don't want to speak about it just so that we can all get together and say "Yeah, this was all bad!" and start bad-mouthing someone or an institution that, while not perfect, is working towards bringing people to Christ. A lot of you took it that way, and that makes me feel responsible because that is not the door I wanted to open. I was not talking of this church specifically but of Christianity and churches in general. I wanted to open the door where the church stops pretending to be perfect, starts acknowledging the things it did wrong, starts enacting change that will help bring more people to Christ, and maybe even move towards helping those it hurt to heal. This kind of talk is taboo in churches. We sweep it under the rug. 

3) The church was not a building or a group of pastors. The church was me. The church is you. It is your responsibility to look after it. It is your responsibility to restore her. It is your responsibility to amend your mistakes. It is your responsibility to forgive pastors, leaders, or people in church who might have hurt you. You do NOT have a green card to hold grudges, resentment, and anger. Sometimes that means changing churches. Sometimes that means staying so you can be the difference. Sometimes it means asking for forgiveness. Sometimes it means spoonful by spoonful getting rid of bad theology and putting in the work to learn good theology for yourself and teach good theology to others. Yes, bad theology is what makes some leaders think they have control over your life, your relationships, your finances, or your education. But let me say it again and in the present tense: the church is me. I am the hands and feet of Christ in this world. If I don´t preach, He can use the rocks to do so. I won´t be bested by a rock. I will tell the world of Him Who gave His life for me and adopted me as His child and gave my life purpose. I will put in the work in myself, in my family, in my community, and in my church.

4) Talking about this is not an attack. I was afraid of sharing my last post. I prayed long and hard to share it. Some wrote that they felt God had guided them to read my post, for they were in the brink of abandoning their faith. But God´s greatest kindness to me came in a conversation I had with the pastor who I considered to be MY Pastor: Gustavo Zepeda. As I´ve hinted before, I am trying to write my book. I don't know if I'll ever finish it, or publish it, or whatever, but I am writing it. Gustavo is in my book for he is an integral part of my life. He entered my life when I was a seven year old girl who had experienced sexual harassment at the hands of relative. Our relationship began with hatred, for I despised him for knowing my darkest secret and for my mom forcing me to go to counseling with him. But Gustavo was a loving and caring pastor that soon made feel happy I had someone like him on my side. When I was thirteen years old and this relative came back into the picture to tell me to meet him so he could apologize, I went straight to Gustavo where I knew I'd be safe. Tavo, as we so dearly call him, made mistakes. I remember once I got so mad at something he said to Rodolfo about our relationship that I went to straight to him with tears in my eyes ready to let him have it. When I was met with a sensible pastor who was quick to apologize, my anger immediately left. When I saw on my private messages his name, I got scared of what he was going to say to me. Let me tell you his opening words: "Did I ever do anything to hurt you?" Can you imagine that? Can you imagine the impact it would have if every Christian reacted in this manner? Why don't we understand that God is more present in redemption and forgiveness stories than in our perfection and "holier-than-thou" pretenses?! I was quick to let Tavo know how my life was and is forever blessed to have him in it. Pastors are not responsible of everything that happens in church, and we need to remember that. Being a pastor is hard and it is a great burden. Everything that happens in church is immediately linked to them! He apologized for not having protected me better when my youth leader asked me to marry him and let me know he had advised against it.  

5) What about the rest of you?                                                                                                                      I´m getting tears in my eyes writing this right now. Please, I never meant to attack anyone. Tavo went on to say that because His church is filled with imperfect humans, He left the command that we should forgive one another. Do you have something you need to forgive? Some of the responses to my post clearly show that is not the case. Even my husband has things he needs to forgive. Even I have things I need to forgive. My family, my siblings, my friends who love bad-mouthing this church. We have a command to forgive. It's hard for my previous post not to be viewed as an attack when the title is "Leaving the church." Was I right in leaving this church? That is a good question. I asked myself long and hard before leaving. It was right for me, I think and pray. At the end, I could only see what was bad and not what was good. I couldn't stay in that state any longer. 

I was glad to receive messages from some who stayed telling me how many things have changed. That brought me joy, because that is exactly what I prayed for. I don't dismiss the idea that maybe the problem was myself. Many commented on how they were deemed "bad apples" within church, but don't take the responsibility in their actions to what got them that stamp. The church was all of us. We have a responsibility to our actions. This is the reason I ended my post with: the change starts with me. I guess I didn't make this point come across more clearly. I had sat in the seat of mockers, I had alienated those who were not like me, I was bad-mouthing my leaders, I had a bitter root, I had reached out to this friend leaving Christianity with judgment and "fixes" first than with love and compassion, I had been close-minded, self-righteous, and social warrior. And God is calling me to something better than religiousness. He is calling me to unity. He is calling you too! The church is us!

This is the group of friends that gathered at my house the night I found out I had cancer and was undergoing my first mastectomy the next morning. They were there to support me and pray for me. Almost all are from this church I was no longer attending.

My loving god-parents go to this church and are a great source of love and support for many. They are like second parents to us.