Good bye 2020

2020 ended, and even with the "time" we were given I was not able to write as much as I would have wanted to here. I was even inspired by a friend to finally write my own book. My writing has been stunted because of my desire of not spewing more negativity into the world. I have been riding quite an emotional roller coaster this year. 

I remember last year my husband and I had ranked 2019 in our top three worst years of our life and when we started listing all the things we were grateful for we felt quite ashamed of doing that. We had no idea what 2020 would bring! I feel inclined to feel defeated when one of the things I was grateful for last year was me getting over my PTSD, but this year it came back with a vengence. This is the main reason I have not wanted to "share" anything in my public corners of the internet. I wanted to write my victory post. I wanted to share my "aha" moments that stuck with me and got me out of this funk. And I did have those moments, but this is a recovery journey not a miracle awakening. 

My counselor says I am a very objective person. I see the problem at hand and list the steps necessary to overcome it. I saw my depression creeping back in, so I doubled my Bible reading time, my exercise time, and my gratitude lists. But life is not x + y = z, especially not our minds and souls. They are a mystery. They operate in mystery and are influenced by mystery. When none of my efforts kept my depression at bay, I fell into despair. "Why read the Bible if it is not helping how I feel? Why exercise if I only feel more crappy than before and everything aches anyways whether I exercise or not?" 

I´ve been wanting to write about that counseling session I had because OH MY GOODNESS it was something else.  In my objective mind I had made some things "truth": God had used my cancer for His glory because through it I was able to reach so many people and share the gospel. His will is good, pleasing, and perfect. God does things for the glory of His name, not for the good of the people. He is sovereign. You might be reading this and wondering why I put "truth" in quotations when this is TRUTH. Well, if you only take some truths from God and not the whole truth, these truths become lies. Think of Jesus being tempted by Satan and Satan using scripture to tempt Jesus. The same thing was happening to me. Deep in my heart, I was believing terrible lies due to these truths. Lies I had allowed in my heart and needed to confess to overcome. I will be writing down the lies I was believing in quotations for you to understand my thought process. 

Lie number 1: God gave me cancer. 

"If He is sovereign, He gave me cancer. My cancer is genetic for crying out loud! It came written in my genes at the time of my conception. God´s plan for me was for me to get cancer!" Here things get tricky for me to explain it clearly because it requires an understanding of Theology I do not possess. I´m going to write it down in the layman's terms I understand it. Jesus saves the sinner; He doesn't make the sinner sin. This is one of the most disputed aspects of predestination and sovereignty. His sovereignty is then defined in His choice not to exercise His authority over our sin (unleash His justice and wrath which no one would survive). This sovereignty of His is present in His mercy, grace, and love that is beyond our human comprehension. Some will not agree with me in this point but the answer is: No! God did not ordain cancer for my life. He allowed it: yes! He knew about it: Yes! He caused it: No! 

James 1 

16 Don’t be deceived, my dear brothers and sisters. 17 Every good and perfect gift is from above, coming down from the Father of the heavenly lights, Who does not change like shifting shadows. 18 He chose to give us birth through the word of truth, that we might be a kind of firstfruits of all He created.

See, I was believing the lie that He caused it. And so, my objective mind had never admitted many things my subjective heart was feeling: I was both angry with God and afraid of God. And thus my relationship with God has been a fear-bond: I am unwilling to trust Him because you cannot trust someone you fear, but I am too afraid to leave Him. 

Lie number 2: His plan for me was cancer for His glory. 

What a misconception of God that was plaguing my heart! His plan for me was not cancer so He could get glory. He is able to somehow get glory from me in spite of me! He is not bringing forth things in my life for His name's glory. His name's glory is doing fine without me! That He is able to use my affliction for His glory is a mercy and a miracle, not the plan. How could I obey the Bible when it said: "Wait on the Lord! Do not be anxious! Trust the Lord!" when my heart was afraid that meant more hardship for His glory?!!! I was frightened. 

And here is where confession played a part in my recovery. How had I allowed myself to be deceived on who the true God was! My mom would say to me "Hold tight to God's promises to you" and I would fret. I was deceived. I was lost. 

This is His plan for me:

Ephesians 1 4 For He chose us in Him before the creation of the world to be holy and blameless in His sight. In love 5 He predestined us for adoption to sonship through Jesus Christ, in accordance with His pleasure and will— 6 to the praise of His glorious grace, which He has freely given us in the One He loves. 7 In Him we have redemption through His blood, the forgiveness of sins, in accordance with the riches of God’s grace 8 that He lavished on us. With all wisdom and understanding, 9 He made known to us the mystery of His will according to His good pleasure, which He purposed in Christ, 10 to be put into effect when the times reach their fulfillment—to bring unity to all things in heaven and on earth under Christ.

Lie number 3: He is a distant Father.

If my view of God is as Kind and Sovereign without the complete understanding of Who He is as a whole, my view of Him is flawed. I could no longet see my loving Father. As part of my counseling, I was asked to go back to the time in my life when I could hear His voice. I closed my eyes and prayed the Holy Spirit would make me recall the days my Father in Heaven was as real to me as my father on earth. I went back to the days I felt fatherless after the divorce of my parents and God's promise that “if my father and mother left me He would not” kept me going! I held tight to that promise and never felt alone. I would pour my heart to God all night and I would feel comforted, listened, and held. I began looking at God as my Father again.

One time I was trying to teach one of my students how to cut. She was getting frustrated because she didn't want to let her older sister teach her how to hold the scissors or the paper. She wanted to do it alone. She wanted to do it right. I had to ask her father to intervene. He came and held the paper to her. She had never cut straight lines before. Her attitude to cutting changed and she declared cutting was now her favorite thing. (For those who don't know, I teach preschool prep classes online). I told her father this was normal and I had struggled with the same attitudes with my girls, especially in their threenager years (three-year-olds that act like teenagers). It made me think of myself. I am struggling with depression and I want to do it alone and I want to get right on the first try. And I thought of God, my father, lovingly trying to let me know I need to let Him teach me, hold my hand when I can't hold the scissors right yet, and have the patience to practice to get it right. This filled my heart with joy and hope to feel I am not alone and I should not be defeated I am still learning to deal with my depression. 

I spent the night in prayer after that counseling meeting. I hadn't talked to God like that in ages. It was so comforting and uplifting. I woke up the next morning feeling so different. The counselor was telling me about God's love for me. While he was telling me this I could hear a voice say "Yeah, God loves you and wants to spend time with you but you squander that love and time." I said this out loud and my counselor said words that have been life-changing in this struggle: "God does not talk like that." 

And so, every time those voices have popped into my head I have let them know "The true God does not talk like that and I won't listen to any of that anymore!" 

If you are struggling with your relationship with God, seek help, seek counseling! Stop thinking you can do it alone. You can't! Ask God to bring you back and help you hear His voice. He is calling with tender love. I will not be kept from dwelling in that love any longer, not by my ignorance, not by my fear, not by my anger.

Matthew 79 “Which of you, if your son asks for bread, will give him a stone? 10 Or if he asks for a fish, will give him a snake? 11 If you, then, though you are evil, know how to give good gifts to your children, how much more will your Father in heaven give good gifts to those who ask him! 12 So in everything, do to others what you would have them do to you, for this sums up the Law and the Prophets. 13 “Enter through the narrow gate. For wide is the gate and broad is the road that leads to destruction, and many enter through it. 14 But small is the gate and narrow the road that leads to life, and only a few find it.

There is so much more I want to share of that counseling session, but this will do for now. And so, 2020 was a beating for so many, but I will begin 2021 by listing all the things I must be grateful for in 2020. 

1. We had provision for the entire year. So many times we felt we would not have jobs or provision, and somehow we always had both. We even had enough to add ice cream to our grocery shopping to have something with which to comfort the girls for not being able to play outside or see friends. 
2. The most understanding girls ever. They suffered the quarantine. They shed tears. They consistently prayed for this to be over. But they kept their spirits up and their good attitudes throughout. 
3. My mom's recovery. I won't say much of this, but it was more than I could ask for in terms of provision and protection. 
4. A small birthday party in COVID times. I am grateful nothing went "bad" in terms of anyone getting the virus or being a threat to others. We took a chance. I'm just glad it turned out ok and the girls got a much-needed break from this reality.
5. Friends who stayed close, both far and close (though the quarantine made everyone feel far). 
6. A solid family. I can't thank God any more for my husband.
7. A renewed relationship with my mom and sister. Close quarters will do that. 
8. A business opportunity for Lilly and me. 
9. Everyone had good health. 
10. We still have our house.
11. Girls had a good education year and kept learning gym and piano and more.
12. We were still able to serve at Church

 I am so sorry for those who lost loved ones to Covid or during 2020. I pray you have the hope of seeing them again through Christ. The Lord is near.

The Church is Me!

I was hesitant on writing my last post because I didn't want to write  something "bad" about a specific church. I was writing about churches and Christianity in general. It is hard for those who read it not to have a specific church in mind because they knew what church I had attended most of my life and had also attended there themselves. 

There are a few things I want to make clearer.

1) I never meant to call anyone specifically a "bad apple." If you remember my post, this was a comment on my friend´s post. Her post said that if the teaching is wrong, you can't say it's some "bad apples" straying you away from Christianity. I happen to agree with her. One of the things I don´t know if my previous post made clear is that I am included in those perpetuating teachings straying away others. I wrote the post because I don't take that lightly. I have a responsibility in the part I played, whether it was intentional or not. I was part of "church-cliques." I was in the "spiritual" clique always a pastor darling. I didn't care for others, including my siblings who were feeling left out and seen as less because I was "in". If anything, I was the biggest bad apple. 

2) I never meant to say all the church leaders were bad and everyone in that church is bad. If I happen to still have many close and good friends from that church is because they add to my life in friendship and in Christ. Some of the things that happened in my youth were wrong. I need to talk about that. My post and the responses I got in private show me this needs to be addressed. A lot of people are hurt, but no one will speak about it. But speaking for the sake of speaking can lead to sin, as James reminds us (Read James chapter 3). I don't want to speak about it just so that we can all get together and say "Yeah, this was all bad!" and start bad-mouthing someone or an institution that, while not perfect, is working towards bringing people to Christ. A lot of you took it that way, and that makes me feel responsible because that is not the door I wanted to open. I was not talking of this church specifically but of Christianity and churches in general. I wanted to open the door where the church stops pretending to be perfect, starts acknowledging the things it did wrong, starts enacting change that will help bring more people to Christ, and maybe even move towards helping those it hurt to heal. This kind of talk is taboo in churches. We sweep it under the rug. 

3) The church was not a building or a group of pastors. The church was me. The church is you. It is your responsibility to look after it. It is your responsibility to restore her. It is your responsibility to amend your mistakes. It is your responsibility to forgive pastors, leaders, or people in church who might have hurt you. You do NOT have a green card to hold grudges, resentment, and anger. Sometimes that means changing churches. Sometimes that means staying so you can be the difference. Sometimes it means asking for forgiveness. Sometimes it means spoonful by spoonful getting rid of bad theology and putting in the work to learn good theology for yourself and teach good theology to others. Yes, bad theology is what makes some leaders think they have control over your life, your relationships, your finances, or your education. But let me say it again and in the present tense: the church is me. I am the hands and feet of Christ in this world. If I don´t preach, He can use the rocks to do so. I won´t be bested by a rock. I will tell the world of Him Who gave His life for me and adopted me as His child and gave my life purpose. I will put in the work in myself, in my family, in my community, and in my church.

4) Talking about this is not an attack. I was afraid of sharing my last post. I prayed long and hard to share it. Some wrote that they felt God had guided them to read my post, for they were in the brink of abandoning their faith. But God´s greatest kindness to me came in a conversation I had with the pastor who I considered to be MY Pastor: Gustavo Zepeda. As I´ve hinted before, I am trying to write my book. I don't know if I'll ever finish it, or publish it, or whatever, but I am writing it. Gustavo is in my book for he is an integral part of my life. He entered my life when I was a seven year old girl who had experienced sexual harassment at the hands of relative. Our relationship began with hatred, for I despised him for knowing my darkest secret and for my mom forcing me to go to counseling with him. But Gustavo was a loving and caring pastor that soon made feel happy I had someone like him on my side. When I was thirteen years old and this relative came back into the picture to tell me to meet him so he could apologize, I went straight to Gustavo where I knew I'd be safe. Tavo, as we so dearly call him, made mistakes. I remember once I got so mad at something he said to Rodolfo about our relationship that I went straight to him with tears in my eyes ready to let him have it. When I was met with a sensible pastor who was quick to apologize, my anger immediately left. When I saw on my private messages his name, I got scared of what he was going to say to me. Let me tell you his opening words: "Did I ever do anything to hurt you?" Can you imagine that? Can you imagine the impact it would have if every Christian reacted in this manner? Why don't we understand that God is more present in redemption and forgiveness stories than in our perfection and "holier-than-thou" pretenses?! I was quick to let Tavo know how my life was and is forever blessed to have him in it. Pastors are not responsible of everything that happens in church, and we need to remember that. Being a pastor is hard and it is a great burden. Everything that happens in church is immediately linked to them! He apologized for not having protected me better when my youth leader asked me to marry him and let me know he had advised against it.  

5) What about the rest of you?                                                              I´m getting tears in my eyes writing this right now. Please, I never meant to attack anyone. Tavo went on to say that because His church is filled with imperfect humans. He left the command that we should forgive one another. Do you have something you need to forgive? Some of the responses to my post clearly show that is the case. Even my husband has things he needs to forgive. Even I have things I need to forgive. My family, my siblings, my friends who love bad-mouthing this church: we have a command to forgive. It's hard for my previous post not to be viewed as an attack when the title is "Leaving the church." Was I right in leaving this church? That is a good question. I asked myself long and hard before leaving. It was right for me, I think and pray. In the end, I could only see what was bad and not what was good. I couldn't stay in that state any longer. 

I was glad to receive messages from some who stayed telling me how many things have changed. That brought me joy because that is exactly what I prayed for. I don't dismiss the idea that maybe the problem was myself. Many commented on how they were deemed "bad apples" within church, but don't take the responsibility in their actions for what got them that stamp. The church was all of us. We have a responsibility to our actions. This is the reason I ended my post with: the change starts with me. I guess I didn't make this point come across more clearly. I had sat in the seat of mockers, I had alienated those who were not like me, I was bad-mouthing my leaders, I had a bitter root, I had reached out to this friend leaving Christianity with judgment and "fixes" first than with love and compassion, I had been close-minded, self-righteous, and a social warrior. And God is calling me to something better than religiousness. He is calling me to unity. He is calling you too! The church is us!

This is the group of friends that gathered at my house the night I found out I had cancer and was undergoing my first mastectomy the next morning. They were there to support me and pray for me. Almost all are from this church I was no longer attending.

My loving god-parents go to this church and are a great source of love and support for many. They are like second parents to us.

On Leaving My Previous Church

 A friend of mine recently posted a blog post about why she left the church and her Christian faith. She began by saying that when she decided to leave the church she was met with similar platitudes from those trying to convince her to stay: 

• Don't let some bad apples (meaning bad Christians) turn you away from Jesus.
• You are the problem. You have a bitter root. 

Now, I'm not writing this post as an antithesis of what she wrote or to convince anyone to do otherwise. I'm going to write to process how I felt reading her post, how I have felt myself after leaving my church of 20+ years, and the ongoing struggle in my mind to where to go from there. 

My friend said when she was trying to be convinced not to leave, no one wanted to hear her story. They just wanted to fix her. This is often too real in pretty much every aspect of human life. I was listening to a podcast on "mom shaming" that is so pervasive in society. One of the things that caught my attention was that the speaker who was advocating for mom-shaming to stop was the first to admit she had mom-shamed other moms herself. I've written a post on that before here where I was sleepless because I felt so bad of having mom-shamed someone and here were I rant on people´s comments of my girls. I was one of the ones who told my friend "You have a bitter root."

I feel ashamed of that. One, I said it in a Facebook comment. Wow! We are too loose with our tongues on the internet. Two, while I did know part of her story, I didn't take the time to follow up or know how she was feeling when I said that to her. She got upset with me for saying that to which my defense was that "I knew how she was feeling because I was battling my own bitter root from getting cancer." I thought cancer had made me more empathetic, but I have ways to go.    

Christians are too loose with their "fixes." I almost went into a rant today when I read in a mom group a mom saying she had been sexually assaulted when she was little, and she needed a good recommendation for a psychiatrist to help her deal with the trauma so she wouldn't let it affect her family now that she is a mom and wife. Almost 80% of the comments were in the line of "All you need is Jesus. Just seek Jesus! Jesus can help you heal your heart and forgive." I couldn't help myself and I did reply to some of them, the ones I found, as my friend puts it, toxic. 

So, to suck the poison and toxicity that exists in the Christian world, I need to start with myself. My brother says I've become too much of a social warrior. I will go on a rant on "#meToo" (especially being a survivor of sexual abuse and sexual harassment) to whoever belittles it; I will rant on immigration and how it is "illegal" to try to find a better life for yourself because of man-made borders; I will rant on Donald Trump and whoever wants to pass him on as Christian. This year one of my resolutions was to not be a social warrior anymore because I tend to bulldoze over those on the other side of the debate, which is not very Christian of me. I intentionally try my best not to rant. 

Lately, I try to be an advocate for grief protection. You see, especially in the Christian community, grief is not allowed. If you are grieving, it´s a lack of faith or lack of prayer or lack of fasting or lack of time in the Word. Depression is not permissible or justifiable. It is a lie; it is the Devil; it is your own weakness and temptation. I had to go through my own deep grief to realize this was a form of violence. You don't negate other people´s feelings. You don´t ask them to put them in perspective. You don´t tell them how to fix it or how they´re going through it because they´re not good enough. This is psychological VIOLENCE. This is psychological violence I suffered during my cancer journey and that I had and probably still have enacted on others too. If Christianity is not willing to understand its flaws and change, we can't keep telling people "it's a few bad apples." 

This is why I left my church of most of my life. I have fond memories of my church. I made great friends there that I still hold dearly and closely. I met my husband there. I spent my youth in missions and worship bands and plays and so many good things. But I reached my boiling point after years and years of psychological violence and neglect. I would need way too many words to express correctly what was wrong with my church. I mean, at one point, my youth leader who was 15 years my senior and had been my youth pastor since I was 12 asked me to marry him two weeks after I turned 18! It took me many years to realize I had been groomed to accept that proposal. And thank God I didn't! 

It took many years to reach that boiling point. I was so close-minded in everything. I was even taught other churches were wrong, and I could only collaborate and work within my church. I was placed in discipline from serving in church for dating my husband even though when I started dating him I was 21 and I had finished college. Mind you, he was my first kiss! I made myself miserable to the point of being too ashamed to have my alone time with God because I had romantic feelings towards him. Toxicity at its highest, toxicity I was taught and fed.  

The post went on to say that it wasn't only the bad apples in church that were turning her away, but now she also had an issue with God. She didn't like the God of the Bible who slayed the Egyptians´ firstborn or the many times He commanded Israel to wipe out a nation. I wrote something along those lines here where I write why I still believe in God after getting cancer. In a nutshell, you knew who God was from the beginning of your faith. If it was easy for you to believe in Him when things were good in your life but find it easy to turn from Him when things are not going as you expected them, your faith was not in God but in what He could offer you. I want to understand the pain my friend says she endured. I certainly endured and still endure a share of pain and loss that not many people know from such a young age. You can read about it here and here. I'm not comparing pain. Everyone´s pain is their own and it's theirs to make as big or small as they experienced it. I do not believe anymore in "putting things in perspective" when trying to comfort someone. 

Back to my almost rant for the comments of the mom seeking psychiatric help. Jesus is the way. I know it firsthand because I know Who held me in my deepest despair. I know it because I almost left my faith when Kinsley died and had to walk a desert to find Him again. He kept calling. He kept holding me. But I was treated with psychiatric help, and I'm still in need of psychiatric help to deal with my PTSD. Jesus is the way, but He alone is not enough. This is why He established His church on earth. He prayed our unity would bring people to Him. He prayed we'd be one with Him. I found a good church here in Panama. A church who hasn't shown a single shred of psychological violence towards me after almost three years there. A church who has held me and brought me closer to my beloved Jesus. It's sad because so many of the friends I grew up with excited to love Jesus and live for Him ended up reaching their boiling point too, and many never found a safe place to worship and grow and hold each other up in Christ. Some have bounced from church to church seeking that place and coming out so belittled they no longer see the point of it. Some have found a deeper relationship with God in a good church they ended up establishing when reaching their boiling point together. Some renounced their faith and after more than a decade of doing so, their lives are none the better; if anything, they just seem lost. It's sad because I loved my church so dearly. Leaving it was gut-wrenching. And once you leave a church like that you are almost completely shunned by those who stay in it, pretty much losing all your extended family. I found a new one that I love very dearly. I'm glad it's out there. 

Picture of my youth group after a church service.

100% of us have left the church or moved to a different church after pretty much living all our teenage years in and out of church serving fervently. 

  

Jesus is the way, but He also ate food and drank water and slept. We can't be hippies about our faith. I mean this with no disrespect, but your "Jesus is enough" is not enough. 

James 2

15 Suppose a brother or a sister is without clothes and daily food. 16 If one of you says to them, “Go in peace; keep warm and well fed,” but does nothing about their physical needs, what good is it? 17 In the same way, faith by itself, if it is not accompanied by action, is dead.

I struggle to see Jesus some days. Will I end up giving up after so much pain? I pray not. I see the lives of those who truly follow Jesus and those who follow the world, and I'm in good company with my fellow Jesus-lovers. They are the best thing in my life. That includes my mom and dad, my in-laws, my husband, my closest friends, my mentors and pastors. I pray to stay close to them and follow their example. It's not as easy as many would say it is. If it is for you, I'm happy you don't endure much struggle. But if you found Jesus, I'm happy you have the lover of your soul present in your life during the hardships that come with this life on this broken world. 

This is not an easy subject. It is not something that you have just one answer to offer. The need for change in Christianity and many churches is too real and palpable to brush it as bad apples. The need for listening and opening up your mind to needs and grief and pain and true help is urgent. You don't have to agree with me. I don't even fathom to have the full understanding of anything myself. I do open my mind to be better and do better because change must start with me.   

Bringing my Thoughts Captive

When I first started my blog it was a place to clear my thoughts by putting them into writing, rant if I wanted to and didn’t feel social media was the place for that, record my life for myself and my loved ones who cared, and mainly share what God does in my life through the mundane. My lessons became less “mundane” when they included my battle with cancer. I felt the lessons I learned during that time were deeper that my mundane life was no longer worthy.

This got me in a writing funk. I even started the daunting task of writing my first book about my life. I kept only writing about the hard in my life making me feel the book was a hot mess. I stopped hoping I would go back to it until “inspiration” hit again. The more I searched for this inspiration the worst I felt about my writing. A friend simply advised: write for yourself. And I feel that is the best advice ever. This is why I used to love writing. I didn’t do it with anyone in mind. The fact that my writing was approved and liked of course had an effect in me, but it was never the purpose or intention.

And so, in an effort to kickstart my writing that I have so dearly missed, I will go back to writing with only me in mind.

Depression. Oh, monstruous faceless beast, how am I to finally defeat you? Can I defeat you? I’ve been learning the different facets of depression. The best way I can describe it is a roller coaster. It has highs and lows. On my highs, I get things done. I do more healthy and hearty meals. I cover more school material and make the classes fun and interactive. I do DIY projects for my home or myself. I work on my yoga and unlock new poses. On my lows, I get by. I resort to fast meals like burgers and hot dogs. On very lows my girls are self-sufficient to make themselves a ham and cheese sandwich or a pb&j sandwich when mom can’t even leave the bed. I barely cover any school material. I resort to the independent work or an educational episode of the Magic School bus. I feel successful if at least the house is not upside-down, and the pile of dishes is not too high. The pile of laundry most definitely is. I consider taking the dog out to pee my workout for the day.

The lows hurt. They hurt my progress. They hurt my family. They hurt my sense of worth. They fill me with self-loathing for how mediocre I used a day I was given. I berate myself into an even lower low.

Lately, I’ve been searching for the highs and hoping to hold on to them as much as possible. I’ve been trying to be kinder to myself in my mind. I try to remember I’ve had worse lows. I try to have hope. If the genius Jon Foreman can only give as a response “Life, Love, and Why?”, what else can I add to the conundrum?

For me, the problem lately has been my lack of hope. I just don’t foresee the future being any better. I hate all the “self help inspirational” quotes and posts that fill our feeds these days, but I always read them trying to find anything I can use. I found one that had a list of “goals” similar to my own with one important addendum. My goals list for the day looks like this:

1) basics: read your Bible and spend time in prayer.

2) Eat mindfully and guard your sleep (a.k.a. no binging, both for food and for tv).

3) Do all your work before any breaks. (a.k.a. you can only pick your phone at the end of the day)

4) Workout.

5) Avoid comparing yourself to others, even to your own self yesterday.

6) Envision success.

Number 6 was the addendum. This is something I never do and intentionally avoid doing. The only times I allow myself to do this is when I plan a birthday party, got a cake order, DIY something I see online. I believe I can do it. I trust I can do it. I can do it.

I never let myself think I can do a push up. I never let myself think I’ll be able to consistently go to bed at a good time and wake up early. My mind has set limits based on my pain and illness. “I will wake up all night from the pain of neuropathy, so sleeping well is not up to me. I won’t be able to do a push up because I have no pectoral muscle left (I literally don’t after aggressive double mastectomy). My lymphedema will flare up again so I can’t train more. My anxiety from lack of sleep and lack of working out will lead to food binging. I just can’t do it. I’ll just fall back into my old habits. I’ll just fail again.”

This is only the tip of the iceberg when it comes to my self-loathing tendencies after I analyze myself as a mother, wife, daughter, or disciple. “I’ll never be able to stop raising my voice no matter how hard I try. I wish my daughters had a ‘complete’ mom who is not always in pain. Poor husband of mine stuck with such a wife! I’m always so short-tempered with my mom for no reason.”

And do I believe any of that will get better? Do I envision myself even achieving any improvement?

Not one iota!

No wonder I have no hope. These are just my everyday goals and I have no hope or trust of succeeding. Why would I have long-term goals I would definitely not trust myself, my God, or my life of ever achieving!

And so, I’ve been reading Bible verses that have been calling me to action.

2 Cor. 10:5 “Take every thought captive to the obedience of Christ.”

I have to say this “envision success” has lowered my negativity and boosted my positivity. I sorely needed this because I was drowning in my negativity on pit of hopelessness and many tears. I was crying while doing the dishes, crying while doing class with the girls, crying while in the shower. FOR ABSOLUTELY NO REASON other than my deep negativity.

1 Thesalonians 5:  16-18

16 Rejoice always, 17 pray continually, 18 give thanks in all circumstances; for this is God’s will for you in Christ Jesus.

This one hit me especially hard when reading “This is the will of God for YOU in Christ Jesus.” I want to be known by my girls and loved ones as a happy, cheerful, positive person. Times are hard and we need that energy. I am known that way in many circles, but not my inner circle. I want that for my family. But I want to be able not to hate on myself and start beating myself down when I’m unable. Depression is a disease. A disease for which I can’t afford treatment or medicine as I was at the beginning of the year when the world was actually less grim.

I’ve been on antidepressant withdrawal that has left me with a bombardment of suicidal thoughts. At one exceptionally low point I verbalized to my girls “I wish I was dead. You´d be better off without me.” Tears immediately flew from my eldest eyes and my youngest just held my arm for dear life. “But we need you,” my 7-year-old feels compelled to say in an attempt to rescue her mommy from such thoughts. I do not take this incident lightly. In fact, I would say it is one of my worst lows as a mother and one of the worst damages I could have done to my girls. They don’t need to worry that mommy is thinking that or crying without prompting. “I wish you’d never had cancer,” Emmalee says with a heaviness in her voice you can tell she has been thinking it for a long time. When she hears mommy has a checkup or sees the band aid from where they drew blood, she complains of stomachaches or suffers from teeth grinding.

All I´ve ever wanted was to make them a happy home, but that needs a happy mom for the formula to work. I do not envision myself feeling happy. I’m utterly surprised when I do. I need to change that. I’m in a battle with myself. How do you tell yourself that what you think or want is not what you should think or want and tell yourself to change that thought that yourself is feeding you? Am I describing temptation? I think in a sense I am, and this is why the encouragement is to take CAPTIVE EVERY THOUGHT to the obedience of CHRIST.

I still feel very lonely in my lows. I shared one of them with my mom and left her in tears as well. What mom would not react that way when hearing your daughter say she feels life is not worth living. She asked me if it’s not worth it for my daughters. I said “No.” (When someone is in an emotional low, what they’re saying can’t be taken as truth). My reasons to that “no” was that I honestly feel the girls and my family would be better off without me. These, of course, are lies of the Devil; lies that I recognize as such but am still such a weakling that I repeat them out loud and give them strength. “We demolish arguments and every pretension that sets itself up against the knowledge of God…” says the beginning of 2 Cor 10:5. Can’t forget that goes hand in hand with taking every thought back to the obedience of Christ.

Capturing my mind requires stillness, something I had been resistant to do. I’m getting a little better, and these spaces of self-reflection help. I’ve been using my journal as a place to boost positivity by only writing gratitude. I’m resistant to share these things because I wish I could share them when I have an answer to them, when I could share what I learned, when I could share steps into getting better. I guess I have to accept that it’s a roller coaster. It breaks my trust when I know I’ve been spending more time in the Bible than before, and I’m still struggling with these issues. If you think these have an easy fix, you are not acquainted with depression and have no business telling others how “easy” it is for you to shift your thoughts.

Finally, I want to add one more thing to the list:

8) It’s not about you.

Proverbs 4:23, GNT Be careful how you think; your life is shaped by your thoughts.

This is a different translation to “Guard your heart above all things for from it comes life.” I really like this translation. Your heart is what you think. Look at this next verse:

Proverbs 23: 7 For as he thinks in his heart, so is he. He says to you, “Eat and drink!” But his heart is not with you.    

Here we can see that what you think and what you say don’t always match. But it gets better when you pair it with this verse:

Psalm 19:14, NLT May the words of my mouth and the meditation of my heart be pleasing to you, O LORD, my rock and my redeemer.

If this is your “vision of success” you’ll seek to have both your words and thought not only match, but intentionally seek to be “captive to the obedience of Christ” which will take you to intentionally do this verse:

Philippians 4:8, ESV whatever is true, whatever is honorable, whatever is just, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is commendable, if there is any excellence, if there is anything worthy of praise, think about these things.

It’s not about me. I need to put that into the center of my thoughts, which is why the command is “captive to the obedience of CHRIST.” I don’t live my life because I think it’s worth it. I live it to give Him glory. He has said to me that He glorifies Himself in my weakness too. My lows are not without His presence, His love, or His glorifying in my life. He is strong when I am weak. Those lows are days I must rely on Him to be stronger. Can I have hope in Him? I must. It’s all that matter in the end.

And so, my Lord give me days of rest to quiet the turmoil within and give me friendship and beauty. Oh, how my heart was filled by this beautiful day shared with highly loved brothers and sisters.

My Panama sisters consists of a Honduran called Jackie and a Salvadorean called Tita. Oh, how I love these girls!

The grownups had a fun frisbee game. Jackie doesn't know how good she looks throwing with that sunset backdrop.

It was completely dark and thundering minutes before we met up at the park. We almost cancelled our day out, but we knew the Panama weather is crazy fluctuating.

We were completely alone in the field, so Kaylee took her mask for a breather. We have all been very vigilant with the quarantine, so we were confident in our company.

I hope our kids grow up to be best friends!

Jackie made fun of Tita and me for smiling while using our masks. XD

Pirate Party Games and Crafts

So the initial plan was to make a pirate party series. But, with the way the world is in this moment, I don't feel like writing about that. I do, however, want to finish the previous pirate party post and share the wonderful ideas I picked up from several corners of the net and finish our Dear Emmalee and birthday interview post. 

Here are the crafts, games, and activities we did for the Pirate Party.

I had many different pirate attire items for each of the kids, but they had to earn them.

PIRATE TRAINING

I started by telling the kids they were pirates in training and carried that theme throughout the party. They loved it. 

With each activity conquered, they got closer to becoming a pirate. 

PARROT PET (reward: pirate hook)

First up, make a pirate parrot friend.

I gave each kid a toilet roll, some paper, googly eyes, and feather. The beak, belly, and stripes of paper for body and head were precut. The kids chose their favorite color for the head and body, and glued together the beak, belly, eyes, and feathers. Then I used pipe cleaners to secure the parrot to their hand or shoulders. The shoulder placing was actually their idea.

When the parrot was completed, they received their first attire piece: the hook.

The hook is just a red cup with alluminum foil. Emma's is bent here, but that is preferred to giving kids a hook made from cloth hangers like many internet tutorials suggested.

Arrrgh!

TREASURE MAP (reward: pirate hat)

Next we had a creative pirate map making activity. The kids had to draw a pirate map and tell me how to find the treasure following the map. The most creative map got a special prize, and everyone got a pirate hat when completed.

Here they are doning their pirate hats. The hats had different colored edges so the kids could pick their favorite. 

 

Xavi is showing us the complete pirate attire so far.

SWEEP THE DECK (reward: pirate sword)

Next in our training was to sweep the floor. The kids made teams of two to play a broom "hockey" game. I would drop several balls in the floor and the teams had to sweep it in their "goal" (chair). The team with more balls went to the next round. The winning team got a special prize, and everyone else got their long-awaited sword. 

Here I'm explaining the rules

Those boys are making those broom look good!

Good teamwork collecting the balls scored.

They were quite excited to receive the carbdoard swords. 

And, of course,  a sword fight ensued.

Xavi really knows how to work his pirate items!!! 

WALK THE PLANK (reward: eye patch and spy glass)

Well, turns out those pirates made a terrible job sweeping the deck so they were made to walk the plank! The fastest kid walking the plank without falling got a special prize, and everyone got a spy glass and eye patch.

Pirates with complete attire at the pirate photobooth.

The pirates were given a rest from their training to refuel with some treats, food, and beverages.

They were quick to go for the chocolate-filled treasure chests!

TREASURE HUNT

Turns out that these naughty pirates stole a pirate treasure map before being made to walk the plank!

Each kid was instructed to find a parent or guardian for the treasure hunt. This was because the pirate code was a little hard to decode, and also to make the hunt a shared experience between parent and child. It's good to create memories wherever we go. Each team of child and adult was given a pirate decoder and then they got to decoding code number one given by me. 

Handing out the pirate code decoder.

Showing the first clue.

Clues where in English and Spanish. The code printable can be found in my previous pirate party post here. 

The treasure hunt ended at the piñata treasure chest right where it had started. The two teams that got there first got a special surprise, and everyone got to hear the story of the best treasure we have: JESUS. We also went over Proverbs 4:21 "For where your treasure is, there your heart will be also."

Break that treasure chest open!!!

PIRATE CANNON BALL FIGHT (reward: water balloon fight! duh!)

The pirates that were training our rogue pirates were not happy they got their pirate treasure map stolen. And so, a pirate cannon ball fight began. 

Wish I could have found black-colored balloons, but I went for Emmalee's and Kaylee's favorite colors instead. It was good because they were easier to find to clean up.

I simply placed two boxes in front of each other and gave each team a bucket of water balloons.

The kids had been waiting for this all along.

And this was the end of our pirate story. I was very happy the kids had a blast and thoroughly enjoyed all the activities. It was a blast to be their captain.

Sorry I didn't share the DIY section this time. Maybe for post-covid times. 

Here are the birthday interview and Dear Emmalee section (that I had done months ago) .

Emmalee Birthday Interview Age 7. 

Here we go.

1. What is something mommy always says to you? I love you.

2. What makes you happy? Being with my family outside together.

3. What makes you sad? That you are in cancer.

4. What makes you laugh? Kaylee doing funny faces.

5. How old are you? 7.

6. How old is Mommy? 34

7. How old is Daddy? 31 (He is 32 actualle)

8. What is your favorite thing to do? Go outside and play.

9. Who is your best friend? Kaylee and Vicky

10. What do you want to be when you grow up? I want to be a ninja.

11. What are you really good at? I am good at... I don't know... playing video games?

12. What are you not very good at? I'm not very good at... I don't know... I'm actually good at everything.

13. What did you do today? Today I had fun together.

14. What is your favorite food? Lasagna and mandarinas.

15. What is your favorite song? Girls like you, Maroon 5

16. What do you want for your birthday this year? a skateboard.

17. What is your favorite animal? My favorite animal is the Cheetah.

18. What is love? Love is God.

19. What does daddy do for work? Teaching.
20. What does mommy do for work? Teaching too.

21. Where do you live? I live in PH Genisis (it's Genesis) Plaza, Camino Real de Betania

22. Where is your favorite place to go? Picnic ( The restaurant)

Dear Emmalee, 

Oh my girl! You are so amazing to me. Do you get tired of me telling you how much I admire you? Baby, I'm writing this at the half mark of your 7th year. We are in the middle of a pandemic and you have been housebound and deprived of seeing friends for more than a 100 days. Baby, you've shed a few tears because of this, mainly at the beginning, but you have been a star in all sense. You have used this time to be a better gymnast (ninja in your eyes), a better reader, a better pianist, a better gamer, a better sister, a better daughter, the most loving granddaughter and niece. Baby, we are all so in love with you. You are not always kind because no one can always be good (it's why we need Jesus so badly), but you try so hard and succeed more than I have in my life. You strive for goodness and kindness, you strive for perfection and giving your best, you strive to complete all your work for your Sunday School and Bible camp.
You remind me of this Bible verse:

Philippians 4
"8 Finally, brothers and sisters, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable—if anything is excellent or praiseworthy—think about such things. 9 Whatever you have learned or received or heard from me, or seen in me—put it into practice. And the God of peace will be with you."

This is how I would describe you. I can never let anyone congratulate me on what a wonderful daughter I have when they try to give me any credit about that. I have no credit on the beautiful heart you have. It is the fruit of the personal love you have for Jesus. I can't wait to see that continue to grow and mature. If the Word is spoken to you, you take it as true with such conviction. If only the world had the faith of a child that you display. You might grow up to be a scientist. Everyday with you I'm greeted with a "Let's make an invention today!" You say science is your favorite subject. You are so proud of yourself for finishing first grade. You told all your teachers (from church) and your friends and family. You are my avid reader. You read on a level far higher than your age! You love reading to your sister. I am no longer needed for story time, but you insist on me being there even if you and your sister have taken over the reading. You love making up songs, and now even give it a try at the piano. If you see mommy sad, you'll immediately start drawing and waiting for mommy to cool off while your making her a note. You hand it in and leave for your room. Your note will always have a drawing of your family with reminder that you love me and I'm a good mom and instructions that "If I want to see you, go to my room." I always go and you're eagerly waiting for me and we hug and play. You change my mood and my downcast spirits to joy with your love and kindness. You struggle a lot with the instruction "Don't tell your sister what to do." You act like a little mom to her and if you get preachy, your sister will have none of that and rebel even further. I have to remind you to be her sister. It's hard for you because you want to pass on what you have learned, but you're still learning how to do that in your sister role. You have learned how to teach Kaylee new things, like how to play Smash or how to do a gym move. I love watching you and your sister playing tag, or hide and seek, or pretend play. We recently made a video of one of your plays. People think it's my idea. I try to make them know it's all yours and your sister's doing. I was watching you yesterday run with your sister at our building's entrance. It's the only amount of fresh air and sun you've had all week. It's the only time you've felt grass on your feet for days. You and your sister had smiles in your faces and twinkle in your eyes. I prayed then and there to always remember you like this, to cherish these beautiful years that are your childhood, and to make them as beautiful and good for you as I can. It hurts me to see you locked in in a small home, yet you seldom complain. You just carry on making us all have "family time" if we've been too into our devices. You cherish all that is good. I love you, my dearest. I love you so intensely. I admire you and learn so much from you far more than I could have imagined I could admire or learn from a little girl or any person for that matter. I love that I can share so much of what I love with you. We make worship videos together and hope we can do more in the future. We paint together, play the piano together, play Smash, play board games, read, yoga, stretching. And there is so much more we'll get to share and do together. Oh, baby, when mommy struggles with her PTSD, she sometimes thinks life is not worth living. The more I talk about you and fill my mind with thoughts of you, this life could not be sweeter to me. And you are a HUGE reason why. I love you, my ninja sweetness second grader. I love you forever. 

Mom