God's plans for me

It feels I've been doing this forever.
I don't remember what it felt not have both of my arms aching in pain.
I don't remember what I looked like with both of my breasts and a head full of hair.
I don't remember what it's like to yearn for more children and think they were in my future.
I don't remember what it felt being the caregiver, instead of being cared for.
And my mind is sudden to remind me it will still get worse.
Thoughts of dying keep haunting me, and the thought of recurrence and having to do treatment again has me wishing for it.

I had plans for how God was going to use me.
I wanted to be a missionary and even chose my career with that in mind, choosing a career that is very universal and mobile.
My plans changed to having a big family and homeschooling my six or more children.
We had a child in 2012, another in 2014, and were pregnant with the third in 2016. Things were going according to plan, except for some career and finantial setbacks; but we were not going to let that discourage us. After all, we walked by faith and knew God was greater than our finantial problems and would bless our growing family for His glory.
A week after announcing our pregnancy we lost my dear Sammy.
Three weeks later I found out I had cancer..

February of this year the girls and I visited my mom in Panama City. For some reason while being there I asked my mom to take me to have a mammogram done. I told her I felt something was "odd" about my left breast. She checked it with me and found nothing irregular. We decided that when I went back to Honduras I'd have a gynecologist check them because no one would do a mammogram on a 30 year old without reason. A few weeks later I got them checked in the same appointment were the doctor was informing me of my miscarriage. He cleared them.

A few weeks ago my mom came to visit me again. She was mourning that she didn't take me to get the mammogram. "We could have found it sooner and saved you from all this," she said. "Mom, God planned when we would find out. He was in control of that too. It is His plan that I go through this."

That was the first time it hit me. THIS was God's plan of how He was going to use my life. This is definitely Kara's influence in my life.
I saw a Facebook memory yesterday of me pregnant with Kaylee. I thought "That is how I should look right now, four or five months pregnant. That should be my life right now, not this. Not this."
This is how I should be.

I had a plan of how God was going to use me to spread the gospel through my work, through my children, but He was going to spread the gospel through my loss and my disease.

Would it be what I would have chosen for myself?

Oh, I think of Tony and Lois. I don't know them, but I have been praying for their daughter Giana for half a year. Giana was in a terrible car accident December 24, 2015. She succumbed to her injuries June 18, 2016. You can read her story here.

Tony has been very opened about his grief about losing his only child, his daddy's girl. The way Tony processes grief is supernatural. Here is an excerpt of one of his Facebook status which he got from the book "From Grief to Glory: A Book of Comfort for Grieving Parents":

"My love in Christ remembered to you. I was indeed sorrowful when I left you, especially since you were in such heaviness after your daughter's death; yet I am sure you know that the weightiest end of the cross of Christ that is laid upon you, lies on your strong Savior. For Isaiah said that in all your afflictions He is afflicted (Is. 63:9). O blessed Savior, who suffers with you! Your soul may be glad, even to walk in the fiery furnace, with the Son of Man, who is also the Son of God. Take courage. When you tire He will bear both you and your burden. In a little while you shall see the salvation of God.
Your lease on your daughter has run out; and you can no more quarrel against your great Superior for taking what He owns, than a poor tenant can complain when the landowner takes back his own land when the lease is expired. Do you think she is lost, when she is only sleeping in the bosom of the Almighty? If she were with a dear friend, your concern for her would be small, even though you would never see her again. Oh now, is she not with a dear friend, and gone higher, upon a certain hope that you shall see her again in the resurrection? Your daughter was a part of yourself; and, therefore, being as it were cut in half, you will be grieved. But you have to rejoice; though a part of you is on earth, a great part of you is glorified in heaven.
Follow her, but do not envy her; for indeed it is self-love that makes us mourn for them that die in the Lord. Why? Because we cannot mourn for them since they are happy; therefore, we mourn on our own private account. Be careful then, that in showing your affection in mourning for your daughter that you are not, out of self-affection, mourning for yourself.
Consider what the Lord is doing. Your daughter has been plucked out of the fire, and she rests from her labors. Your Lord is testing you by casting you in the fire. Go through all fires to your rest. And now remember, that the eye of God is upon the burning bush, and it is not consumed; and He is gladly content that such a weak (one) as you should send Satan away frustrated. Honor God now, and shame the strong roaring lion, when you seem weakest.
Should you faint in the day of adversity? Recall the days of old! The Lord still lives; trust in Him. Faith is exceedingly charitable and believes no evil of God. The Lord is placed in the balance your submission to His will and your affection for your daughter. Which of the two will you choose? Be wise; and as I trust you love Christ better, pass by your daughter, and kiss the Son. Men lop the branches off their trees so they may grow up high and tall. The Lord has lopped your branch off by taking from you . . . so that you would grow upwards, setting your heart above, where Christ is at the right hand of the Father.
Prepare yourself; you are nearer your daughter this day than you were yesterday. Run your race with patience..."

Tony is able to face such hard truths in the mist of his exceeding grief. He ceases not to seek God and glorify Him. He blesses my life in ways he can't imagine. But he would have not chosen to have his daughter's death be used for him to reach hundreds miles apart. It was, however, in God's plans.

Lately I just feel my only purpose in life is to grieve. I grieve Giana's departure as if it were my own daughter. I grieve the Syrians . I grieve the hardships my MFC Community on Facebook deal with daily: cancer, disease, death, divorce, pain... so much pain. I grieve the moms in Mommy Daily, another Facebook community, losing unborn children, infants, spouses. I cry for them all to the point I feel I am going to throw up and my heart will come out of my chest. Yet I feel I need to feel this grief. It brings me closer to being like my Saviour, Who grieves with us. If I feel my grief for strangers is strong, how great is His? He, Who knows them since they were formed, and loved them with the truest, strongest love known! This grief shapes us all and unites us in unexpected ways. It makes me grow in compassion and love for my neighbor like I never did before. 

How terrible it would be to go through this without purpose. How wonderful to have God use my loss and pain to spread His word and use me to preach to hundreds I would have otherwise never reached. I pray cancer doesn't kill me and I can see my daughters grow up, but I rejoice in fulfilling my life's purpose: to give Him glory, in whichever plan He has for my life. 



1 comment:

  1. Beautifully written! :-) The last paragraph is exactly how I feel too!