That Kind of Night

I am having that kind of night; you know, the sleepless one where you lay in bed regretting something you said. The kind of night were you beat yourself up for those words that came out of your mouth even if you know that most likely the only conseuence to them is this self-beating. The kind of night where you find it hard to forgive your own flaws.

And thus I try to console myself with phrases like: "Jesus forgave you for this too, so you should too."

And I don't know if these words have validity or not, but I am finding no solace in them.

Neither am I finding any on the thought that what I said wasn't really bad. 

Then why is it disturbing me so?

Well, my soul wants me to find out in order to find rest in this kind of night.

It was a comment on another mother's choice.

I find myself complaining about how much it bothers me when strangers comment on my kid's appearance or behaviour, or the size of my belly, or anything parental related. 

I need to ask myself if it only rubs me the wrong way coming from strangers or coming from near ones as well?

My mind recalls of a time when Emmalee was two months old and my mom made a comment on a choice I made that hurt me so bad it caused us to have our only long distance fight. And it was an "innocent" comment. "Innocent" in the sense that it was said coming from a place of concern and love, but not from a place where it was well-thought before it was spoken, coming accross completely as it was not intended. I hate when that happens. 

I guess I can conclude that I would probably not complain of any opinions you have as me as a mother if you are not a stranger, but I would probably not have an easy time taking them either. 

Knowing firsthand what the road of motherhood looks like, I guess I understand why my heart is so upset that I was so unhampered and casual in casting an opinion of another mother's choice. 

It brings to mind the fact that the things we dislike from others is more often than not the things we dislike about ourselves. And if it is not, then it should.

it reminds me of Luke 6:41-42

41 And why beholdest thou the mote that is in thy brother’s eye, but perceivest not the beam that is in thine own eye?

42 Or how canst thou say to thy brother, ‘Brother, let me pull out the mote that is in thine eye,’ when thou thyself beholdest not the beam that is in thine own eye? Thou hypocrite! Cast out first the beam out of thine own eye, and then shalt thou see clearly to pull out the mote that is in thy brother’s eye.

Ouch! No wonder I am having that kind of night. Hypocrite? That is not something I want to be called. 

I guess thiese kinds of nights are not that bad afterall, if you are willing to examine your heart and bring it under God's mindset and will.

I find myself lately singing Emmalee to sleep to the Sonicflood song "Holiness."

The part of the song that says "brokenness, brokenness is what I long for" truly strikes a chord because I really do. And the chorus "Take my heart and form it, take my mind transform it, take my will conform it to Yours" is truly a prayer in my heart, even when I am singing it.

Sometimes He allows these kinds of nights for the purpose of making that chorus true in our hearts.

After writing this down I have to say, eventhough I have an early morning and Emmalee and the house under my sole care until noon, I am grateful I had this kind of night. I am grateful the Lord moves me to examine my heart and will not let me rest until I have. I am glad I am not someone who can feel she did something incorrect and just shake it off and swipe it under the rug. 

Thank You, Lord, for forever shaping me into Your image, even if it is a long road ahead. I love You for not forsaking me and for forgiving me and teaching me Your ways. Never stop teaching me!