Back to the foundations

This week I've been meditating in this verse:
Luke 16:10
10 “If you are faithful in little things, you will be faithful in large ones. But if you are dishonest in little things, you won’t be honest with greater responsibilities.

In my youth I interpreted this as: Be faithful in little things in church and you will be put over more responsibilities in church, and the pastors will consider you for missions, projects, and what not. Both of these came true and I spent my teenage years almost entirely in church serving. Time came to show me that there were many people in church faithful to their church responsibilities and placed over more; however, a lot of these men and women are no longer in church or serving Christ. I slowly started to retreat from my church responsibilities and brought them to a minimum of serving in the young professional's band and attending my Bible group and church meeting. The reason, I told myself, was that I had more responsibilities now that I had my own home and also my health was an issue. I am pretty sure I could do more if my heart was into it. I have found my heart unwilling and prayed to the Lord to change it. 
I have pondered over the reasons why those faithful brothers and sisters with whom I served during my youth were no longer walking the narrow road. And I have been meditating on what will become of me.

I want to be a faithful child to my loving Father. I do. That has never changed. But I am finding myself unfaithful in little things. I want to be trusted to be faithful with large things.

The big problem I am facing is that eventhough I have been unfaithful in the little things, I have been trusted with big responsibilities. I am a wife and a mom. Soon, I will be a teacher. These are great responsibilities I do not take lightly. 

So what are these small things I am being unfaithful in?
Well, I've found that these reasons I am about to name are the reasons I believe those faithful people in their church responsibilities also missed and caused them to drift. You see, the church is plagued with faithful attendees willing to serve in various ministries and going to every church activity. This was me for many, many years. I have meditated that the reason I do not want to do more in church is because I am not qualified to do so. I do not want to be something in church I am not first in private. I do not want to be something in church I am not everywhere else. And I can not take more responsibilites in church if I not faithful in my home, my family, and my work.

The little things:
1. Reading my Bible everyday. 
I was adamant in my teenage years about reading my Bible daily. I would even write "Nothing, shame on you" in my devotional the days I didn't read. I would even wake up the next day and sumarize the things that went wrong that day that would have gone different if my heart had spent time in the presence of the Word. It was my bread and water. This is probably the reason I am still in church and I haven't drifted to the broad road. But my young days in the Bible won't sustain me forever, certainly not as my responsabilities grow in adulthood. I am not spending enough time in the Bible. I justify this with my busy days, but my heart knows it is just excuses. My heart is growing harder each day I am away from His Word. It is the Holy Spirit in me starving from its food and life. I do not want to silence the Holy Spirit but I am not listening to His Word. I have nothing in which to stand against the enemy and his attacks to my life but the Word I learned in my youth that I am not studying and meditating in once more. And how am I going to teach the Word to my daughters and to my students? 

2. Praying. 
When people say "I'll pray for that" they probably do and they utter a small prayer for you just then and never again. I know I do. In my youth, I even kept a prayer dairy where I wrote the things I needed to pray for myself, for my family, for my friends. Everyone had its own paragraph and I would use my prayer diary twice a week. I delighted on spending a whole night in prayer and felt rested the next day. Nowadays, I have a hard time spending minutes in prayer and when I am feeling scared and lost, I ask my husband to pray for me and find it hard to pray myself. I come to the verse in John 3:20: Everyone who does evil hates the light, and will not come into the light for fear that their deeds will be exposed. Maybe my time apart from the Word makes me too ashamed to come before the light I've been ignoring. I usually just come praying to give thanks and pray for others, especially my pregnant friends.

3. Seeking advice.
This one I am not doing so bad as I am a forever seeker to diminish my pride, especially my self-righteousness. I try never to make decisions without consulting my husband and my mom and anyone i consider knowledgeable to the specific situation. But I want to do more. I want to be open to advice on how to be a better wife, mom, friend, teacher, child of God. I want to seek discipleship more aggresively and grow in humility and holiness. I want more of myself for God. 

4. Discipling
Do not even know if that is a word but I want to start doing this. Now, I cannot disciple if I myself am not a disciple, so the points above are really important. And this is really important to be able to be faithful with the large responsibilities God has given, like being a mom and a teacher. I'm looking forward to be able to connect with my students in a way I wasn't allowed to in my previous job. Discipling my kids is my main ministry along with serving my husband from here on. 

5. No bad words.
Nothing taints my testimony faster and harsher than it should than when a bad eords comrs out of my mouth, and I am sorry to say it happens more often than not and not even to insult or in anger but in a casual way which I don't know if it makes it worse. This is not unharmful and I have to stop belittling its consequences.
There are probably many other things I need to grow in faithfulness, but I am going to the little things to move to the greater or more. And this faithfulness before the Lord not men. The greater things come from Him and He is calling us to be good faithful servants. I do not want to continue fail Him, in any little thing. I am not going to shame myself again in my devotionals. I am going to shame myself as a mother, wife, and teacher if I don't. 

Dear Father,
Thank You because You renew your mercies everyday. If this was not so I would have already been smitten under your rightful wrath. But You are loving to this undeserving child of Yours. Let me not forget to tremble. Let me not forget how much has been forgiven and that which is yet to be forgiven. Thank You for giving this unfaithful servant big responsabilities and trusting me a wonderful family and household. Thank You Lord inmensely for the teaching opportunity I have been given. I am greatly grateful for my job. Thank you for re-igniting my passion for teaching and the opportunity to minister to my students once more. There is nothing better than to be Your hands and feet and this undeserving servant appreciates the chance You give her to go forth for You. Let me once more be an influence in Your church as long as it is Your words I share and live. Do not let me be there for the moment or the movement or the people, but for You and by You. Let me not walk to the broad road and move those who have to walk the narrow. It is narrow for a reason and walked by a few brave men and women that have been blessed to know and love You. Let me seek You in Your Word, through prayer, through mutual discipleship, and with an edifying tongue. May I be faithful through You Who strengthen me. In Your holy name I pray, amen.