I Survived I Kissed Dating Goodbye

 

Hello, piece of the internet that is mine. Is it mine? I thought I wanted it to be God's. Is it God's? What a rambling way to start this post! Maybe it is a reflection of how reluctant I am to start writing again because I am scared this piece is mine and not His. One thing that will never change here, I hope, is my pursuit to be honest and genuine. There is so much I have wanted to write about, but I've been too afraid. Well, one of my resolutions has been to run toward the thing that scares me; so, in this case, I have to write about this. 

I have written posts about why I left my previous church here and here. However, no matter how long it's been, their teachings formed me as a person and still guide me to this day. I don't know if I have mentioned this before, but the words from my dear friend Dela still haunt me to this day: "How do you correct your false doctrine? One spoonful at a time." I have found this to be painfully true. No matter how much I want to correct my crooked path, it's going to need time, effort, and focus on one thing at a time. And I guess this is why I haven't written here anymore but why I am doing it today. It is imminently relevant today. I am working as a high school teacher. I volunteer in the youth ministry. I am the mother of girls quickly becoming preteens. I give advice on a daily basis to youngsters all around me on various issues. I better make sure my doctrine is Biblical and sound. To be able to do this, I must recognize what that doctrine is, how it has changed, why it changed, and if it is worthy of spreading it around. And on this post specifically, I want to talk about my dating doctrine. 

I am sure many in Christian circles have read the book I Kissed Dating Goodbye and more recently have heard how author Joshua Harris left his faith, denounced the book, and got divorced from his wife.  I had even heard the false rumors that he was now gay spread like facts among Christian circles. (He is not.) Well, turns out he did more than that. He made a documentary called I Survived I Kissed Dating Goodbye. Boy, was it a treat! Not only was it refreshing to see him earnestly listen to the critics of his book but to see him actively seeking to understand how his teachings had hurt others. He had been the inadvertent creator of a legalistic purity movement and wanted to be responsible and accountable for what he had created. I will not speak of where Joshua Harris is today in his faith or in his family life. That is between him and God. I know this topic is controversial, and I can already feel the fear creeping back in to stop the post here. 

The documentary and critiques brought to mind my personal relationship with the book and the purity movement. I would like to share some of the main ones:

1. It made you feel unclean. "You have a crush on a boy? Unclean! You have a new crush now? Disloyal and unclean! You are spending too much time being friends with your crush? Unclean, temptress, sinner!"

 I am pretty sure I've written this story before, but when I fell in love with my now husband I felt so impure I could not have my devotional for months out of sheer shame to come to the Lord in that state! Mind you, I was in my 20s, graduated from college, and had never dated before. It didn't matter. This was the most impure thing I could do! (Understand the sarcasm, please.) It gave you such a judgmental view of any female-male interaction that is pervasive to this day in Christian circles. 

2. It gave you a money-back guarantee. "Want to find the love of your life that will guide you into a holy life and holy family? Follow these steps for pure courtship with marriage in mind and you'll get it all! No divorces! No cheating husbands or deadbeats. No spinsters! If you are truly serving God, He has the 'one' for you."

Oh, how I believed this wholeheartedly! Oh, how many Christian girls believed this wholeheartedly and wrestled with God for not giving them their money-back guarantee when their years of service did not produce a husband or it gave them a bad husband. 

3. It perpetuated a rape culture and a patriarchy. "If a boy has feelings for you, you caused it. You caused it with the way you dress, the way you smile, the way you talk to him. It is your job how he feels. It is your job to guard his heart. If a man wants to pursue you, he must come to your father first. No way you know what's good for you without your father's consent!"

I remember having this talk with my daughters and the girls from the youth group. "Is wearing a crop top a sin?" My daughter asks. I took the question before the youth group girls. "Do you not wear one to guard your brothers in Christ?" I asked them. When their reply was a convicting "yes", I told them this approach was wrong. "You are not responsible for another's heart. I've dressed like a nun in my youth and still had guys hitting on me." When answering my daughter's original question about crop tops I told her, "If you went to India and saw girls wearing crop tops because that is how they traditionally dress, would you think it is a sin?" I went on to explain that the act in itself is not what matters but your motivation. "Why do you want to wear a crop top?" Isn't that more important? And your answer should never be for someone else's sake. "I dress modestly because I want to honor my God. That is my personal reply," I tell them. When you let yourself be fed the lie that how you acted and how you dress made another male act a certain way, you perpetuate rape culture. It is time for males to be responsible for their own actions and their own hearts. It is time for girls to stop bearing the responsibility, the violence, and the shame of the males' unhinged desires. I don't have time for the patriarchy arc in this post, but you can go to my other links from the beginning to read more on that and my horror stories of grooming. 

4. Dating is a sin. "You must only date with the intent of marriage. If marriage is not the goal, dating is frivolous and dangerous. Courtship is the only Christian alternative available to you." 

I've struggled with this one. Is it a sin? Is it not? Will I allow my daughters to date? Goodness, just thinking about it makes me sweat. The funny thing about this one is that I thought I would be the one who would be uptight about dating, and my husband would be more chill because I did not date and he did. Well, turns out that knowing what dating entails and being a father to girls gives him a knowledge that scares him, and he has been really strict and uptight about the subject. I did not see this coming at all. But I like seeing him go through this on the other side of the coin. His dad was tough on him, and he resents some of those exchanges. Now, he sees them as necessary and is contemplating his father's approach. I don't have much knowledge because I married my first boyfriend. I know of Christian friends who did not grow up in churches setting all these rules for their dating life, and they still made it to their marriage as virgins.

4. Sexual sins carry more condemnation. "You are like an apple. When you give your heart and body to a boyfriend, he takes a bite. You give him a piece of your heart you will never get back. And then you come to your husband all bitten and incomplete. Is this what you want to present to your husband?"

I shudder at the memory of me sharing this with younger girls. I was taught it. I lived by it. I perpetuated it. I recently learned that someone shared a similar "flower" analogy with my students, saying each romantic encounter took a petal away. A mother was rightfully outraged. Imagine if you are saying this to a girl who has been a victim of abuse, which statistics tell us could be at least 50% of them! Imagine someone coming to Christ later in life and being presented with this! Or that someone simply liked to date. Is this person less before Christ? Has this person not been redeemed? Have they not been made whole by Jesus?

I have had people who saw how I dated my husband and thought: "She got it right." I "got it right" on my first try not because I was special or because I waited or because I had the right rule book. I got it right because God was merciful, and my first try turned out to be an amazing man. But what if it hadn't turned out right? I don't know how I would have reacted. And how would those to whom it didn't turn out right know what to do? Or how would they know how to move forward and try again? And how would they have been prepared to deal with the guilt and shame of failing? If my relationship had caused such a rift between me and my Lord by filling me with shame to turn to Him, how can I even consider it "getting right'? I suffered for years. I rejected my husband for years. The only reason it worked is that for some reason I still can't fathom he was head over heels for me, and he kept pursuing me despite myself. 

I call finding my husband as "God saving me from myself." I thank my friend David (a.k.a Cucaracha), who doesn't know how his words changed the course of my life, said to me straight. He said to me: "Keep doing what you're doing. Keep hoping and pursuing a husband who is a pastor or a deacon. Keep doing what the church commands you to do. You will get exactly what you want, and you will one day realize you wake every morning next to a man you don't even like." That scared me. I could picture it very clearly. He was right. I had almost been groomed. (Want to know more? Read the links at the top!) I almost let the best man who's ever loved me slip away. I thank God every day for the mercy of asking myself "Is it You who is telling me 'no' to this man or is it the church?" and realizing it was not His voice saying "no." I had heard my spiritual leaders so much that I didn't even know what listening to His voice was, but, by some miracle, His Spirit within me spoke to my spirit, and, by His grace, we have been happily married for almost 14 years. 

My students asked me: "What do we do then? How do we find the right person?" At the time, I told them I didn't have an answer. I spent some time with my lovely mentor, Diane, a few days ago, and she gave me an answer I can take before my kids: "What we do, we do by faith." It won't turn out perfect because this world is fallen. There are no money-back guarantees for following Jesus. He actually warned us that we would have afflictions. But if we walked by faith, we can be sure He has a purpose, He sustains us, He is with us, and He is still doing things that no eye has seen or ear has heard for the glory of His name. 

Pastor Bob, Hope Profession PhD

Our church will be celebrating Pastor Bob's life this Sunday, September 5th. You can tune in on our Youtube channel Crossroads Bible Church, 8 am in Spanish and 11 am in English. 

For the past 4 years of my life I've had the wonderful privilege of sitting on Pastor Bob's Sunday school. You know what this Sunday school has meant to me and what it has done for my faith, for I have written Pastor Bob's name on my blog several times as you can read here, here, here, and here. My dearest Pastor Bob went to his eternal home last Tuesday, August 24, 2021 the very day he was celebrating his 59th wedding anniversary with his much beloved Mary. 

Can a man depart from this earth having only positive things said about him from everyone that surrounded him? My Pastor Bob has proven you can. But what do these positive things being said about him do? Point to Jesus. 

If I had to use only two words to describe Pastor Bob, I would use the words DUTY and LOVE. 

Let's start with the first word, Duty. 

I met Pastor Bob during a time when I was heavily struggling with my physical health still recovering from the blast of chemo and radio and all the surgeries that stripped my body from normal function. But, I was very comfortable letting all that be "justification" for my lack of service or my lack of character. Who can blame me? Who can ask more of me after all I had suffered? At first, my heart was hardened by the "no one understands me" thought that also comfortably allowed me to be cynical with others. And then I met Pastor Bob. Pastor Bob not only could understand me; he could rebuke me. And rebuke me he did. He had been living with cancer for the past 9 years when I met him. He knew all about the pain of chemo (constant chemo in his case), the pain of neuropathy (which in his case was so severe compared to mine that he described the sensation in his feet as walking on stumps.). He understood alright! And that gave me an instant connection to him. In those first years, he and Mary would check up on me constantly which made me feel so absolutely loved. There was something about both of them that just drew you in, something in their smile, in the way they talked to you, in the way they looked at you. My mentor Diane said it perfectly on our remembrance meeting last Sunday. She said, "Bob had the special ability of making you feel like you were his favorite... And then you realized he made everyone feel that too." It was exactly like I would have described it. I felt his favorite. And then I learned others felt that too, which was kind of heartbreaking, hehe. Can you imagine having that ability of making those who surround you feel like you are their favorite person? It was Pastor Bob's super power. When I started at church, I signed up for a Sunday school class in Spanish that was taught in the main hall. I liked it, but it wasn't what I was looking for. There was this one time when I had just started serving in the music ministry that I was feeling very sleepy, and I wanted to take a nap between church meetings (which is when Sunday school takes place.) I found a dark corner in a room next to the main hall, and there I heard it for the first time: Pastor Bob's Sunday school.  My dear Diane, who I still didn't know closely, was attending it, which drew my attention further because I also wanted to find a way to get close to her. Everyone was participating and talking, which didn't happen in my other class. I knew in my heart that was the place for me to be. It had been a long time since I had desired Biblical instruction and had received it more in the obligated sense. I longed for my Sunday school classes where Pastor Bob would break down verse by verse of the book we were reading and sometimes only cover 5 verses per class. And there I learned about his duty, which he made it clear was my duty. Pastor Bob didn't believe in wasting your time, wasting your emotions, wasting your resources. "Your duty is to the Kingdom, to God, and the gospel," he would teach. He certainly had lived that way during his entire life as a missionary to various tribes in Panama and in his service as main pastor to our church. But his duty had not ended with cancer or a "more mature age". He kept on his work with "Juntos Podemos Curundu" which he presided over. He kept on his small group and his Sunday school. Very few understood what his health struggles were because he never once showed them, complained about them, or allowed that to stop him from his duty of living everyday for Christ. But I knew. I knew the chronic pain he must have endured for almost a decade. I knew the fatigue of chemo, the impotence of a body that you no longer count on or know, the stubbornness of wanting to be normal when your body is broken. Pastor Bob was nicknamed "Bob the builder" rightfully so, but his family would have wanted him to stop his building prowess for the sake of his body. Watching his unbreakable peace, undeniable joy, and his unrelenting trust in his Savior were a constant slap in my faith to "snap out of it." 

Hebrews 10:23 Let us hold tightly without wavering to the hope we affirm, for God can be trusted to keep his promise.

Pastor Bob certainly lived this verse. My struggles were all that were before me back then. Pastor Bob would call me over and over again to put Jesus before me. And if I was complacent in my sin because "I'm in pain", Pastor Bob would not let that slide. He would call me to fulfill the duty I was called on to do: live as for the Lord. 

1 Corinthians 13 1If I could speak all the languages of earth and of angels, but didn’t love others, I would only be a noisy gong or a clanging cymbal. 2 If I had the gift of prophecy, and if I understood all of God’s secret plans and possessed all knowledge, and if I had such faith that I could move mountains, but didn’t love others, I would be nothing. 3 If I gave everything I have to the poor and even sacrificed my body, I could boast about it;[a] but if I didn’t love others, I would have gained nothing.

This chapter in the Word is very well-known. The love chapter. But I feel it perfectly described my dearest Pastor Bob too. Here are other things said about him during our remembrance meeting last Sunday: "Bob was a rescuer. He lived what he believed, and believed in what he lived. He loved to be a fisherman, but was also a fisher of man. A chocolate lover." That last one made me happy, because he once told me my chocolate cake was his favorite chocolate cake in the world. I'll be making that cake for my birthday celebration this weekend. Some tears will most certainly fall after making it, for I always sought to save a piece for my dear Pastor Bob. "My doctor says I shouldn't eat that, but your cake really tempts me," is what he said the last time I brought a piece to our Sunday school for him. I knew what that meant. This was pre-pandemic. Bob's love for people was very on the nose. He couldn't hide it. My dear Tia Mercedes would tell me stories of discussions she would have with Bob about Juntos Podemos. "He needs to be tougher," she would say, "but he loves too much." Tia Mercedes would never miss a day of Sunday school and would make me accountable if I missed it. The Lord certainly has surrounded me with the most amazing people that I needed to be surrounded by. I wish I would have taken up my tia´s invitation to go to Bob's small group. I missed the past two months of Bob's Sunday school because I had volunteered to serve in the kid's combined Sunday school for those months. I had felt in my heart my time was running out and asked Miss Zuly if I could miss my last day of combined Sunday school to be on Bob's class. That class was taught by Selwyn, Diane's husband. I had indeed missed my chance. I thought I had more time. I really did. Bob made you believe it. Even to the end, he wouldn't let out how bad it was and what it meant that he kept on teaching us. I take solace that the last months we had been recording the Sunday school, and I can still watch him. I wished I had had more years with him like most of our Sunday class did. I got four years. I could have had 30 years, and it would not have been enough. I love Pastor Bob and his wife Mary with all my heart. Please pray for Mary. I can't fathom what it's like to lose my life's partner of 59 years. Pray for her health that has also been in decline the past two years. I am overjoyed to know Bob is finally home pain-free, cancer-free, with his new body ready to build again. 

I titled this post: Pastor Bob, Hope Profession PhD because I think that is what Bob's profession was: hope. I had lived without hope after cancer for a long time. Bob showed me it was possible to live with cancer and have a PhD in hope. He lived what he believed indeed! Here are more verse that describe how Pastor Bob lived:

 Romans 5 5 And hope does not put us to shame, because God’s love has been poured out into our hearts through the Holy Spirit, who has been given to us.

Romans 15 13 May the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace as you trust in him, so that you may overflow with hope by the power of the Holy Spirit.

Romans 8 24 For in this hope we were saved. But hope that is seen is no hope at all. Who hopes for what they already have? 25 But if we hope for what we do not yet have, we wait for it patiently.

18 Proverbs 23 17 For surely there is a hereafter,
And your hope will not be cut off.

Romans 12 12 Be joyful in hope, patient in affliction, faithful in prayer.

Pictures by @ruthysworld

Selwyn ended our meeting with this verse and I want to end on it too:

Revelations 1 1 The revelation from Jesus Christ, which God gave him to show his servants what must soon take place. He made it known by sending his angel to his servant John, 2 who testifies to everything he saw—that is, the word of God and the testimony of Jesus Christ. 3 Blessed is the one who reads aloud the words of this prophecy, and blessed are those who hear it and take to heart what is written in it, because the time is near.

On Leaving My Previous Church

 A friend of mine recently posted a blog post about why she left the church and her Christian faith. She began by saying that when she decided to leave the church she was met with similar platitudes from those trying to convince her to stay: 

• Don't let some bad apples (meaning bad Christians) turn you away from Jesus.
• You are the problem. You have a bitter root. 

Now, I'm not writing this post as an antithesis of what she wrote or to convince anyone to do otherwise. I'm going to write to process how I felt reading her post, how I have felt myself after leaving my church of 20+ years, and the ongoing struggle in my mind to where to go from there. 

My friend said when she was trying to be convinced not to leave, no one wanted to hear her story. They just wanted to fix her. This is often too real in pretty much every aspect of human life. I was listening to a podcast on "mom shaming" that is so pervasive in society. One of the things that caught my attention was that the speaker who was advocating for mom-shaming to stop was the first to admit she had mom-shamed other moms herself. I've written a post on that before here where I was sleepless because I felt so bad of having mom-shamed someone and here were I rant on people´s comments of my girls. I was one of the ones who told my friend "You have a bitter root."

I feel ashamed of that. One, I said it in a Facebook comment. Wow! We are too loose with our tongues on the internet. Two, while I did know part of her story, I didn't take the time to follow up or know how she was feeling when I said that to her. She got upset with me for saying that to which my defense was that "I knew how she was feeling because I was battling my own bitter root from getting cancer." I thought cancer had made me more empathetic, but I have ways to go.    

Christians are too loose with their "fixes." I almost went into a rant today when I read in a mom group a mom saying she had been sexually assaulted when she was little, and she needed a good recommendation for a psychiatrist to help her deal with the trauma so she wouldn't let it affect her family now that she is a mom and wife. Almost 80% of the comments were in the line of "All you need is Jesus. Just seek Jesus! Jesus can help you heal your heart and forgive." I couldn't help myself and I did reply to some of them, the ones I found, as my friend puts it, toxic. 

So, to suck the poison and toxicity that exists in the Christian world, I need to start with myself. My brother says I've become too much of a social warrior. I will go on a rant on "#meToo" (especially being a survivor of sexual abuse and sexual harassment) to whoever belittles it; I will rant on immigration and how it is "illegal" to try to find a better life for yourself because of man-made borders; I will rant on Donald Trump and whoever wants to pass him on as Christian. This year one of my resolutions was to not be a social warrior anymore because I tend to bulldoze over those on the other side of the debate, which is not very Christian of me. I intentionally try my best not to rant. 

Lately, I try to be an advocate for grief protection. You see, especially in the Christian community, grief is not allowed. If you are grieving, it´s a lack of faith or lack of prayer or lack of fasting or lack of time in the Word. Depression is not permissible or justifiable. It is a lie; it is the Devil; it is your own weakness and temptation. I had to go through my own deep grief to realize this was a form of violence. You don't negate other people´s feelings. You don´t ask them to put them in perspective. You don´t tell them how to fix it or how they´re going through it because they´re not good enough. This is psychological VIOLENCE. This is psychological violence I suffered during my cancer journey and that I had and probably still have enacted on others too. If Christianity is not willing to understand its flaws and change, we can't keep telling people "it's a few bad apples." 

This is why I left my church of most of my life. I have fond memories of my church. I made great friends there that I still hold dearly and closely. I met my husband there. I spent my youth in missions and worship bands and plays and so many good things. But I reached my boiling point after years and years of psychological violence and neglect. I would need way too many words to express correctly what was wrong with my church. I mean, at one point, my youth leader who was 15 years my senior and had been my youth pastor since I was 12 asked me to marry him two weeks after I turned 18! It took me many years to realize I had been groomed to accept that proposal. And thank God I didn't! 

It took many years to reach that boiling point. I was so close-minded in everything. I was even taught other churches were wrong, and I could only collaborate and work within my church. I was placed in discipline from serving in church for dating my husband even though when I started dating him I was 21 and I had finished college. Mind you, he was my first kiss! I made myself miserable to the point of being too ashamed to have my alone time with God because I had romantic feelings towards him. Toxicity at its highest, toxicity I was taught and fed.  

The post went on to say that it wasn't only the bad apples in church that were turning her away, but now she also had an issue with God. She didn't like the God of the Bible who slayed the Egyptians´ firstborn or the many times He commanded Israel to wipe out a nation. I wrote something along those lines here where I write why I still believe in God after getting cancer. In a nutshell, you knew who God was from the beginning of your faith. If it was easy for you to believe in Him when things were good in your life but find it easy to turn from Him when things are not going as you expected them, your faith was not in God but in what He could offer you. I want to understand the pain my friend says she endured. I certainly endured and still endure a share of pain and loss that not many people know from such a young age. You can read about it here and here. I'm not comparing pain. Everyone´s pain is their own and it's theirs to make as big or small as they experienced it. I do not believe anymore in "putting things in perspective" when trying to comfort someone. 

Back to my almost rant for the comments of the mom seeking psychiatric help. Jesus is the way. I know it firsthand because I know Who held me in my deepest despair. I know it because I almost left my faith when Kinsley died and had to walk a desert to find Him again. He kept calling. He kept holding me. But I was treated with psychiatric help, and I'm still in need of psychiatric help to deal with my PTSD. Jesus is the way, but He alone is not enough. This is why He established His church on earth. He prayed our unity would bring people to Him. He prayed we'd be one with Him. I found a good church here in Panama. A church who hasn't shown a single shred of psychological violence towards me after almost three years there. A church who has held me and brought me closer to my beloved Jesus. It's sad because so many of the friends I grew up with excited to love Jesus and live for Him ended up reaching their boiling point too, and many never found a safe place to worship and grow and hold each other up in Christ. Some have bounced from church to church seeking that place and coming out so belittled they no longer see the point of it. Some have found a deeper relationship with God in a good church they ended up establishing when reaching their boiling point together. Some renounced their faith and after more than a decade of doing so, their lives are none the better; if anything, they just seem lost. It's sad because I loved my church so dearly. Leaving it was gut-wrenching. And once you leave a church like that you are almost completely shunned by those who stay in it, pretty much losing all your extended family. I found a new one that I love very dearly. I'm glad it's out there. 

Picture of my youth group after a church service.

100% of us have left the church or moved to a different church after pretty much living all our teenage years in and out of church serving fervently. 

  

Jesus is the way, but He also ate food and drank water and slept. We can't be hippies about our faith. I mean this with no disrespect, but your "Jesus is enough" is not enough. 

James 2

15 Suppose a brother or a sister is without clothes and daily food. 16 If one of you says to them, “Go in peace; keep warm and well fed,” but does nothing about their physical needs, what good is it? 17 In the same way, faith by itself, if it is not accompanied by action, is dead.

I struggle to see Jesus some days. Will I end up giving up after so much pain? I pray not. I see the lives of those who truly follow Jesus and those who follow the world, and I'm in good company with my fellow Jesus-lovers. They are the best thing in my life. That includes my mom and dad, my in-laws, my husband, my closest friends, my mentors and pastors. I pray to stay close to them and follow their example. It's not as easy as many would say it is. If it is for you, I'm happy you don't endure much struggle. But if you found Jesus, I'm happy you have the lover of your soul present in your life during the hardships that come with this life on this broken world. 

This is not an easy subject. It is not something that you have just one answer to offer. The need for change in Christianity and many churches is too real and palpable to brush it as bad apples. The need for listening and opening up your mind to needs and grief and pain and true help is urgent. You don't have to agree with me. I don't even fathom to have the full understanding of anything myself. I do open my mind to be better and do better because change must start with me.   

Width, Length, Depth, and Height of God´s Love?

Before I share this Bible study with you there is something you need to know:
The pastor who was leading this Bible study, my dear Pastor Bob Gunn, has terminal cancer.
Why do you need to know this?-you might ask.
Well, because what I am about to share, which he shared to me, only makes sense when you comprehend it through the Spirit. It is a prayer that Paul the apostle made and he too understood this can only make sense through the Spirit. To human knowledge this sounds insane.
But other than sounding insane, it might sound insensitive coming from the wrong person.
If you hear what I am about to share with you from someone who has never experienced true grief and sorrow, it doesn't quite have the same impact.
So it is important for me that you know that Bod has terminal cancer.


Ephesians 3
14 For this reason I bow my knees to the Father [f]of our Lord Jesus Christ, 15 from whom the whole family in heaven and earth is named, 16 that He would grant you, according to the riches of His glory, to be strengthened with might through His Spirit in the inner man, 17 that Christ may dwell in your hearts through faith; that you, being rooted and grounded in love, 18 may be able to comprehend with all the saints what is the width and length and depth and height— 19 to know the love of Christ which passes knowledge; that you may be filled with all the fullness of God. 20 Now to Him who is able to do exceedingly abundantly above all that we ask or think, according to the power that works in us, 21 to Him be glory in the church by Christ Jesus to all generations, forever and ever. Amen.

The last portion of this Bible excerpt is widely quoted and misused.  "To Him Who is able to do exceedingly abundantly above all that we ask or think...." What do Christians think this means? What do you think it means? Do you read that verse out of context and take it to mean that God will grant you whatever you ask of Him just because He can grant it?

It is interesting that Pastor Bob started out asking: "When we pray for others, do we ask for external needs (financial problems, health problems, relational problems) or do we pray for others' spiritual needs (desire to seek His Word and obey, increased faith, a life that is intentionally seeking to glorify Him, and work for the Kingdom). I even ventured to remark: "What do we ask others to pray for for us?" Do we tell others to pray for a deeper relationship with Christ as much as we ask for prayers for our external needs? Paul is praying for our relationship with Christ. His encouragement to have might in our inner man through the Spirit is not so that we can be prosperous, get that job we've been praying for, get that relationship we've been longing for, get that raise, or health, or any other thing we seek on this side of life.  He is asking that Christ may dwell in our hearts through faith.

First, Bob made sure we understood the difference Paul is trying to make by saying inner man. You see, two man of equal physical capacity can go for a run, but the one who stops first will stop not because of a difference in their physical strength but a difference in their will (inner man). Paul had extensive experience in how what happens in this life can break your will when it is not rooted and grounded in love. This is the reason we have known many Christians who have walked away from the faith when the road got tough. They didn't have deep roots to keep them steady in the storm. They are a tree that has toppled over when the soil was soft.

What is Paul's prayer for having deep roots? Comprehend the width, length, depth, and height of the love of Christ. Here is were it gets really interesting. You see, God loves you too much to leave you as He found you. C.S. Lewis made this statement in The Problem with Pain. He even illustrated it this way: you get a new dog. This dog is not house broken. He doesn't like that you are training him. An older dog would tell him he gets in return a dry, warm home, a full belly each day, love and affection and safety. He would tell the young dog it is all worth it, but this dog can't see the benefits while its being house broken. He sees it as mean. The same things happens to a child. His parents say no. They explain to him that the "no" is to keep him from harms way. He perceives this as mean. As humans, we have experienced what a dog that is not house broken will do to a home. If the dog can't be house broken, he will not remain in the home. We have all experienced what a child who is used to getting his way and has no limits set looks and acts like. You don't want to be near a child like that and he has a very hard time making friends. Why, then, is it so hard for us to perceive the hard things in our life as coming from a loving God?

When we try to picture the width, length, depth, and height of God's love that Paul is praying we comprehend, we picture His love as "loving." We think of His goodness, His blessings toward us, His mercies and forgiveness, His love in Christ dying for us, taking us on as His children, preparing a home for us with Him, seating us next to Him, interceding for us, and making us free of sin. We don't think that His love also involves changing us into a new creature and that requires breaking us first. We don't think that what He wants for us is holiness and He will not leave us as He found us and that house breaking will be painful. Sometimes, it will be VERY painful.

This is why it was important for me that you knew Bob had cancer. He is someone, who only through faith because otherwise this is bonkers, that can say that his condition comes from a loving God still changing him, breaking him in love so that he may be more like Christ.

As Bob was sharing the Bible study, I started seeing that last portion in a different light. Exceedingly abundantly above all we ask or think.... What could that be for me? My personal answer: to be like Christ. I could never ask or imagine being like Christ. I feel like that is what Paul would have wanted us to think of when telling us of this power that works in us.

Could we see a loved one in need or grief and say to them: "That is God's love in action!"? It would indeed be crazy talk if we didn't understand any of this through faith.
I heard this while battling a strong bout of depression.
I had been downcast lower than I could comprehend why. Is it clinical depression? Is there something wrong in my brain? It is my cancer coming back which is why my body feels so weak and aching?
Can I openly share to you, whoever you are out there that reads this, that I've battled suicide thoughts?
And in the grief-stricken state I was, hearing Bob say this dark desert is God's love in action somehow lifted my Spirit. I write Spirit with a capital "s" because it was not my own spirit that was strengthened. It was my inner man through His Spirit, just like Paul prayed.

Bob closed the study by reminding us that the prayer said "comprehend with all the saints" and "to Him be the glory in the Church." And that is exactly what he did for me in that moment. He reminded me that the width, length, depth, and height of God's love encompasses so much more than I usually think. That in His love He is not taking my desert away as I've asked Him to (and which He could very easily take away), but He is with me there, changing me, transforming me, and making me (even beyond what I could ask or imagine) more like Him. And it was His church and His saints who strengthen that faith and love, as Bod did for me and we do for him.

I have a very dear friend in a very deep, dark desert. I'm hurting with her and for her. I ventured to tell her: "All this is God's love in action. It is part of the width, length, depth, and height of His love. His love is too big for this to be out of its reach." She was strengthen by this and even shared it with those who are hurting along her. My brothers and sisters, this is crazy talk to the world. I pray you are strengthened like Paul strengthened Bob, Bob strengthen me, and I hope to strengthen you, all inside the width, length, depth, and height of His love.

Can you meet me in the "half empty"?

The Lord is so wonderful with me. Every time I am struggling with something He has a way of talking to me and letting me know He cares. Today, He did that through this Sunday's church service.
But before we get to that I want to ask something of you. Please read this until the end. I want you to read this. You need to read this! I do not want you to listen to me or cause you to pity me. I want you to understand because, and I really wish this wasn't so but it most almost certainly will, one day you or someone you love will be in a place like this. My prayer is that you remember what you read on this post and it made you conscious of what you do or say.

Like I told you on my last post I have recently been diagnosed with Chronic Fatigue Syndrome after Cancer treatment. I have only said that to a very few people. Their response had left me a little battered. ALL of them said the same thing to me: it's OK; I am sure you can get better if you just try.
I remember once watching a Facebook video of how it would look like if people spoke of physical diseases the way they speak of mental diseases. In the video, the guy is ridiculed for a very visible ailment and told to "just try harder" or "don't give up." I know this is something said to people with mental disease, who are stigmatized for needing therapy or pills. The kicker to me is when in the video a friend watches him getting his insulin shot and suggests treating his diabetes with natural remedies. Most would jump to call out the ridiculousness of the suggestion, but we cancer patients have to endure that day in and out.

I would say cancer left me with a better spirit capable of seeing beauty in ugly places and being capable of empathy I was not capable of before. The hurting seek out each other because only among us do we feel understood. Everywhere else we are not heard but served with ways to fix us.

"How are you doing?", they ask.
"It's been tough. I can't sleep every night because of my legs are in CONSTANT pain due to the chemo-induced neuropathy," I respond.
"Oh! That is lack of exercise. You need to do more exercise to fix that."
"You have to sleep with your legs raised in a pillow."
"You should take 'X' pill that helped me with my (not-neurophathic) pain."
And I wasted my time explaining why in my case that didn't apply, but I am never heard. They'll just start serving me with more ways I can "fix" myself.
"I was just told I have chronic fatigue syndrome."
"But that is something you can overcome with exercise and good sleeping," replies the person who has never heard of chronic fatigue syndrome or has absolute no idea what that is.
And good sleeping as an answer to someone in pain EVERY night! Seriously?!

Humans don't naturally know how to be supportive. They just can't see someone in pain. They will try to fix it.
A mother is sad she can't have more children. "But at least you have a kid."
A teenager is sad she didn't get into the college she wanted. "But there are more you can apply to."
A parent is frustrated her child is going on a wrong path. "Be happy. This is a teaching moment."
A father just lost his job that sustains his family. "God will open new doors. Don't be sad."

Why can't you meet people where they are? Why try to bring them to your side of reality? Come to their side for once. You know, if someone opens up about his or her pain with you, they are not doing so to hear your input on their situation. Trust me, we the hurting are smart enough to try any means to alleviate our pain. Pain is not always fixable and feeling it is not always bad. I was feeling very upset with my encounters with friends who I open up to about how I feel just to end up in the receiving end of a sermon on what to do or how to feel. I used to be like this and I am grateful cancer gave me a better spirit. Now, I seriously wonder what gives anyone (including myself) the right to tell another one how he or she should feel about something.

Yes, she has a kid, but hat doesn't take the pain of her inability to have the children she desires.
Yes, she could apply to other colleges, but she had dreamed and worked hard for that college all through high school.
Yes, it is a teaching moment, but lately those parents feel all they do is teach and that teaching is not sticking. They worry for their child and feel lost on what else to do or try.
Yes, that father will be able to find a way eventually to provide for his family, but he is fearful of how long that will take and the sacrifices his family will have to make.
Yes, you might have the RIGHT answer. Your answer MIGHT not be wrong. This doesn't mean you HAVE to give it.

Sometimes, we want someone who will cry with us. Just acknowledge our pain and cry with us. Sometimes, we just want someone who will pray with us (right there and now) and leave it to God because only God can say or do something. Sometimes, we want someone who will ask: "How can I make things better for you?" without suggesting what else I can do in my seemingly unchangeable situation. Sometimes, we just want to remind you what our reality looks like not to provoke pity but to remind you to cut us some slack. Maybe we are feeling a greater burden because we can see our pain is starting to get to you, and it only adds to our pain.

I was feeling really down about the lack of empathy around my new reality. The pastor spoke of this at church, and his take on the issue was really refreshing. "Is the glass half-empty or half-full? It is both. When Paul says in Philippians 4:4 'Rejoice in the Lord always; and again I say, rejoice!' he is not talking about happy-clappy joy. Paul showed in the book of Philippians that he had learned to rejoice in some pretty harsh conditions. But it was not an 'always smiling, laugh out loud' joy. To ask that of someone in pain, concern, or fear would be disrespectful. The best way I can describe that rejoice always is: a positive, hopeful, optimistic knowledge that everything will be OK because God is in control and He is Who we trust." I can see the glass half full because in whatever circumstance life throws at me He is still with me and He is my side of full. I can rejoice in my future in His hands, but that does not negate pain, hurt, or fear. He meets us there. He gives us promises from which to hold on to on these circumstances, but not before reassuring us that He understands us.

I was talking with a girl at church who lost her mom to breast cancer. It was hereditary cancer, and she fears for herself and her sisters. I asked her if she knew why Jesus had been born. "Why didn't God just send Jesus down as a full grown man? Why did He have to live among us?" I asked. "This is the beauty of Him being among us: He can say He understands us because He walked in our shoes. He understands us because He suffered for us. Isn't that amazing?" Oh, how our loving Lord, creator of everything, is able to meet us in the half-empty.


1 Kings 19
4... He [Elijah] came to a broom bush, sat down under it and prayed that he might die. “I have had enough, Lord,” he said. “Take my life; I am no better than my ancestors.” 5 Then he lay down under the bush and fell asleep...

8 So he got up and ate and drank. Strengthened by that food, he traveled forty days and forty nights until he reached Horeb, the mountain of God. 9 There he went into a cave and spent the night.

And the word of the Lord came to him: “What are you doing here, Elijah?”
10 He replied, “I have been very zealous for the Lord God Almighty. The Israelites have rejected your covenant, torn down your altars, and put your prophets to death with the sword. I am the only one left, and now they are trying to kill me too.”
11 The Lord said, “Go out and stand on the mountain in the presence of the Lord, for the Lord is about to pass by.”
Then a great and powerful wind tore the mountains apart and shattered the rocks before the Lord, but the Lord was not in the wind. After the wind there was an earthquake, but the Lord was not in the earthquake. 12 After the earthquake came a fire, but the Lord was not in the fire. And after the fire came a gentle whisper.
What a beautiful picture. He passed by in the whisper. He whispers His love and hope to us. He is gentle, soft, kind, and loving. He listens and sustains. He understands and responds. He is not late. He is ALWAYS there. Can we be more like Him? We are nothing compare to Him, yet He understands us. Can we seek to understand first? Can we listen before we speak? Can we refrain from speaking?

I hope you never have to see a loved one in long-term suffering. Don't lose patience, even though it is frustrating for you (the non-sufferer) too. Don't tell them what to feel or what to do. You don't know how hard it is, even if it has affected your life as well. Don't give up. Even if it feels there is no hope or joy: pain and joy, suffering and hope are not mutually exclusive. I hope this helps you be better prepared to be there for someone who really needs you to be there.

Palm Sunday and the Glory of God

John 11

40 Then Jesus said, “Did I not tell you that if you believe, you will see the glory of God?”

These are the words Jesus speaks when Martha tells him not to move the stone from Lazarus grave because he has been decomposing for four days. 

What is the glory of God?

This is what I asked myself when I read the passage. 

I have sought the answer to this question as I seek to understand what are His promises for my life and what must I believe. 

I quarreled with God for the past year for this verse:

John 14

13 And I will do whatever you ask in my name, so that the Father may be glorified in the Son. 14 You may ask me for anything in my name, and I will do it.

See, I asked healing in His name for a darling four year old little girl named Kinsley from cancer. Kinsley died in January 6, 2017. 

My whole belief system was shattered, even though I was undergoing cancer treatment myself.

Today we had a wonderful church service that shed some light on this question with the story of Palm Sunday.

If you think that the glory of God is prosperity, peaceful times, easy life, and no hardship, how come Jesus said this and a little time later He would be crucified?

Well, the Jews made my same mistake on Palm Sunday. 

When Jesus first said we would see the glory of God He had just brought Lazarus back to life. This began a wave of acceptance towards Jesus. Gossip began spreading of the miracle accompanied by rumors arising that He might be the promised Messiah. People started getting excited about this Jesus whom they at first had rejected and scorned as their coming hero who would deliberate them from Roman oppression. This is marked by how He was received that Palm Sunday. 

Here came Jesus riding not even a full grown donkey, but a humble colt. And the people gave Him a hero entrance.

Here is how it is narrated in Matthew 21

8 A very large crowd spread their cloaks on the road, while others cut branches from the trees and spread them on the road. 9 The crowds that went ahead of him and those that followed shouted,

“Hosanna to the Son of David!”

“Blessed is he who comes in the name of the Lord!”

“Hosanna in the highest heaven!”

10 When Jesus entered Jerusalem, the whole city was stirred and asked, “Who is this?”

11 The crowds answered, “This is Jesus, the prophet from Nazareth in Galilee.”

Finally acceptance for Jesus! But why? Because He would fulfill all their expectations. 

What were your expectations from walking a "Christian" walk?

What did you expect God would do in your life when you "gave" it to Him?

You would find a good husband or wife? 

You would have a good family?

You would raise good children?

You would serve in a good ministry?

You would have a good life?

But... you do remember Jesus said to Martha she would see the glory of God in front of her brother's grave grief-stricken... right?

I immediately knew my cancer journey was to bring Him glory and I would see His glory in that journey, but I couldn't reconcile that truth in the death of a child.

Some things in our journey are hard to reconcile with the glory of God: cancer, disease, war, violence, death. The Jews were suffering from all of these and thought Jesus would deliver them.  

And when these expectations where not met, they completely turned on Him and in a matter of days crucified Him on good Friday. 

And the story goes: Jesus dies in the cross. Jesus is murdered in the cross. The people shouting "Hosanna" one Sunday are exclaiming "Kill him" next Thursday. And kill Him they do. 

BUT!!!!!!

But...

...

Oh, the story doesn't end there.

OH! It doesn't end there!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

And His glory is seen!

I pray for my pastor friend, Tony, who still suffers greatly from the terrible passing of his 14 year old daughter Giana.

I remember dearly and still online-stalk every video of Kara Tippetts, a great mother and wife who lived fully for God and was taken home from breast cancer at the age of 36.  

I pray daily for Kinsley's family and every family stricken with cancer and terminal illnesses. 

I was recently diagnosed with Chronic Fatigue Syndrome. It turns out it is most common after the cancer treatment of a specific cancer... You guessed right: breast cancer. 

This is not the journey I thought God would use to show His glory. But I believe. 

Even after all the pain and the ongoing struggle, I believe it. 

And more importantly, I see it. 

I see it in Kara, Tony, Kinsley. 

Don't let your unmet expectations rob you from seeing that glory and turn you into crucifying Jesus. 

I quarreled with Him and felt nothing but loneliness and misery. I longed for my Saviour so badly, yet felt so away from Him. 

But He is such a loving God. 

In the mist of all the hurt, the pain, the heartbreak, the unfairness, the injustice... ALL that is wrong with the world is not strong enough to keep you from His love. And ALL are able to show His glory because that is how great it is. 

And the best part of the story:

The story doesn't end there. Not theirs. Not mine. And if you believe, not in yours. 

“Did I not tell you that if you believe, you will see the glory of God?”

Love is the Movement

Today I woke up covered in cold sweat. It has been a long time since I have felt the gut-wrenching pain of fearing for your life.

I lived 2017 fighting for a will to live. While 2016 was a real fight to live and I never had any need for will, I was the champion of fighting for the aggressiveness of my treatment, 2017 was the year of figuring out if the fight had been worth it.

My body showed no signs of cancer, but my body showed no signs of being healthy, contradicting my family's belief that beating cancer was the end of the road. The physical damage was not what made me lose my will. It was the emotional and spiritual damage that cancer had brought to my life. No one understood my sorrow and grief for Kinsley's death. She was not my daughter that I had lost. But most people don't understand suffering or pain or what it meant that we had walked the same path together. Her death felt like my soul had been split, leaving me with survivor's guilt and battling the depression stage of grief. In my depression, I forgot how to find joy in life, consciously rejecting it because it was "unfair" to live my life when another more deserving wasn't.  Her death had left me doubting my relationship with God, Who in my head had refused to answer the prayer I begged Him on my knees every night until her death. I stopped spending my time in prayer, losing my best friend Who I refused to speak to in the process.

My husband was the most affected by my grief. He had lost his wife who sought gratitude in whatever situation came our way and was left with a defeatist wife who voluntarily sought to only focus on the bad in her life and live there. I had camped in pessimist town and was scared of letting him take me to be-happy-you're-alive city. This affected us so much we forgot how to be in love with each other and stopped actively showing love to one another.

I cried all morning on January 6, 2018, the anniversary of her death. But when my daughters woke up, I wiped my tears and spent the day with them. When my husband came back from doing errands, I went out on a date with him where we laughed like we hadn't laughed together in a long time. I would never forget her or stop wishing she was here, but I could finally reach acceptance stage of grief and move on while carrying her in my heart.

Why was I able to move on?
Gratitude was not the answer this time. No matter how I saw it, there was no way I could be grateful that Kinsley died. I could give thanks that she was no longer in pain and cancer-free; I could give thanks that she was in a better place being taken care of by the Lover of her soul. But I could not be grateful that she died. I would forever wish I could change that. And that was OK, but not enough to heal my heart.

I started looking for way to go back to God. Again, gratitude was a no go. Knowledge was a no go. I wanted the "Whys". No Bible reading will answer the "why". No logic or reasoning would satisfy the "why". But then I heard someone praying saying "Jesus, my beloved."

I pondered on those words: Jesus, my beloved.
Why was Jesus my beloved?
Why had I given my life to Him so many years ago?
Why had I given testimony that He was the true God?
Was it because He had promised me a good life, like most who quote Jeremiah 29:11 think?
Why did I love Him?
And I realized His promises, His answered prayer, were not something He was going to give me in the future; they were something He had already given me.

Romans 5:8
But God demonstrates his own love for us in this: While we were still sinners, Christ died for us.

John 15:13
Greater love has no one than this: to lay down one’s life for one’s friends.

I John 4:9-10

9 This is how God showed his love among us: He sent his one and only Son into the world that we might live through him. 10 This is love: not that we loved God, but that he loved us and sent his Son as an atoning sacrifice for our sins.

Ephesians 2:4-7

4 But because of his great love for us, God, who is rich in mercy, 5 made us alive with Christ even when we were dead in transgressions—it is by grace you have been saved. 6 And God raised us up with Christ and seated us with him in the heavenly realms in Christ Jesus, 7 in order that in the coming ages he might show the incomparable riches of his grace,expressed in his kindness to us in Christ Jesus.

It is Jesus' love that had captured my heart and made me surrender all to Him. It is Jesus' love that gives me hope that goes beyond the grave. 

I love Him because He had loved me.
I love Him because He was the greater love shown. 

Remember the cold sweat from the beginning? 

I was watching a TV series that ended with the words: "in memory of..."

I googled the name and found out it was dedicated to a woman who had recently died of breast cancer. She had been diagnosed in 2011 and died in November 2016. Her friends and family didn't even know her cancer had returned because she looked so healthy. The recurrence claimed her life before it could even deteriorate her external look. 

I was shivering in my bed begging God not to have to walk that path. This woman had been in remission for 5 years, when doctors consider her cancer "cured." 

I am afraid of living life fully again to have it ripped from down under me. 

I am afraid of my girls not remembering me. 

I am afraid of showing love to my husband and being fully "in love" just to die before I'm 35, before I've even been married to him for a decade. 

I can't be grateful for that being part of my reality. 

But I can be covered in His love and trust that His love is enough, able, and strong. 

This year I will make love my motto. 

Love will be my will- His love will be my will!

Don't worry, gratitude will still be my path, but love will be the fuel to walk that path.