My lot from God

A grateful heart is quick to give you perspective, mindfulness of blessings received, and a faraway view of what you don't have.
My lot from God viewed from a place far from God is bitter, sad, lonely, hopeless, and useless. Unfortunately, I am sad to inform, this is where I have been living: away from God feeling sorry for my lot.

I wish I could write a more positive post. I wonder if I am in the wrong to share these hard and broken feelings. I am waiting to write something inspirational, and because I have nothing inspirational to write, I've written nothing.
I cry most days and no one knows or sees me.
I feel I can't share that anymore because you're tired of feeling sorry for me.
I don't blame you. I would too.

I am currently hating my hair. It's in a stage where it is too short to style and long enough to stand up and look bulky. I am struggling not to shave it all off because I felt and looked better that way than with the hot mess I have now. One of the things I miss the most of my bald head is that it was my clear "she has cancer" sign. At the time, it was the thing I hated the most. People would stare and immediately know I had cancer. It made me different and I hated it. Now, I miss it. (I will tell you right now that I don't understand many of the things I am feeling and I am aware of how crazy they sound, so bare with me.) Now people in the street look at me and are not filled with sympathy for my ordeal; they are filled with pity for the regrettable encounter I must have had with my hair stylist.  
This is what I think people think happened when they see my hair. 

I miss people being able to see my hard through my bald head. Now, I look like a normal person on the outside, if you consider having no breasts normal. I can be viewed as flat-chested I suppose.
I am far away from normal, but I don't look it anymore.
My husband has a hard time remembering. He sees me and still thinks of me and treats me like my old self. He expects me to be able to do the same things. He expects me to have the same mind.
I warn him over and over not to trust me. "Don't trust me to remember to do 'x'. Don't trust me to know how to do 'x'. Don't trust me to have the strength to do 'x'." Me not being able to do everything I put my mind to is uncharted waters for my husband. When he is feeling neglected because it's been a week since the last time I served him dinner and I have been leaving the girls alone with him to go lay down, I have to remind him I'm too broken by the time he comes home. Sometimes, I am broken from the moment I wake up, and I have to pretend I can do this thing called living. Sometimes, I feel dying would be easier. Some days, I feel nothing at all. Nothing! Just a numbness I carry quietly and alone.

And then I came across this quote:
“If your life is broken when given to Jesus, it may be because pieces will feed a multitude, when a loaf would satisfy only a little lad.”
The person who shared it on Facebook said it was an Elisabeth Elliot quote. I googled it and it wasn't. She wrote a newsletter reminiscing the quote from a chapel leader in her college. Here are a few portions of the letter that hit me hard.
"The portion assigned to me each day is precisely measured by God, not only for my good (although it may appear quite the contrary) but also—let me not forget—for the good of all the others whose portions He is allotting. My cup may have a bitter taste. Shall I suppose, then, that my Father either has had nothing to do with choosing my portion, or that He is not dealing with me in mercy and grace? Such thoughts are from our ancient foe who seeks to work us woe! It is the Lover of Souls who hands me the cup of suffering, giving me the priceless privilege of learning a fellowship with Him which can be learned in no other way."

I need to do a better job at living with purpose.
I can't keep viewing my lot as random.
Elisabeth wrote: "No matter how monstrous an evil may have been perpetrated against us, both by intention and act (think of Joseph’s brothers’ treatment of him!); it is mysteriously transformable into great good by Him who is Lord of the Universe and my Redeemer. It took Joseph’s suffering to accomplish God’s will for Israel. The sufferer himself became the redeemer for his father and his hateful brothers. They meant it for evil. God meant it for good."

I am moving to Panama city April 16, 2017.
The move has given me mixed emotions, has contributed to my numbness feelings, and has made me feel my life is on hold. We have no idea what our life there will look like, no idea what we will do to earn a living, how I will care for a house, homeschooling, and my freelancing job. We have no idea of anything but the wonderful fact that we will live next door to my mom and sister.
I pray that God can use us there, strengthen our faith, give us community, ignite in us purpose and spiritual awakening, and bring us closer to Him.
I pray He can use my lot the way He did Joseph's, that He may use me in my current state even if I am not inspirational. I ask these truths can permeate my soul and make me say:
"Whatever my lot You have taught me to say 'It is well with my soul'."


Can we be real on this social network world?

I love Facebook.
It has it's advantages and disadvantages, as everything in life, but I love it.
I love to see baby pictures of friends I haven't seen in a while or live far away.
I love to see pictures of your travels, so I can live vicariously through you.
I love to see your graduation pictures, new job pictures, weight-loss pictures.
I love to share in your joy.

But sometimes, I feel sad of the face you feel you have to put on.
We are accustomed to showing our best side in social media that we are now doing it all the time.

I recently had the opportunity to pray for two married couples who were on the brink of destroying their marriage. I found out of the fact that their marriage was failing when it got to the point where it was evident and pretty much everyone knew. I was able to counsel these couples and pray fervently for them. Today, both of them are on their way to saving their marriage and making it work. Now, I don't mean to say that I had anything to do with them saving their marriages, but I was glad I could be a part of it. I could pray for them. I could send them Bible verses. I could remind them of God's love and mercy to them. I was able to be there for them.
Why didn't they opened up when the struggle began? Their Facebook page made it seem like everything was perfect. How come it was a shocking revelation when it had been happening for months!

I want to be there for you.
I want you to be there for me.
If I open up that I am struggling with depression, like some of my previous post have clearly showed, I want you to say something about it. Go ahead and send me an encouraging message or Bible verse. Go ahead and ask me how I am doing with those feelings. Go ahead and pray for me. I desperately need it.
Stop treating your friends in real life like you treat your friends in Facebook.
Don't put on your best face.
Tell me if you are struggling in your marriage, so I can tell you you are not alone.
Tell me how motherhood sometimes feels like too much and you feel like quitting.
Cry with me if you are in pain and need someone to cry with you.
Everyone feels the pressure of "keeping up with the Joneses", even in the Christian world and especially at church.
I love these verses:

Titus 2
3 Likewise, teach the older women to be reverent in the way they live, not to be slanderers or addicted to much wine, but to teach what is good. 4 Then they can urge the younger women to love their husbands and children, 5 to be self-controlled and pure, to be busy at home, to be kind, and to be subject to their husbands, so that no one will malign the word of God.

This is what I want to do to be there for you and I want you to do for me.
This is what I want to emulate for you. 
But this is the hardest part of life and where we struggle the most. 
How can we be that to each other without being accountable and opened? 
How can I help you with your struggles in motherhood if I don't know them?
How can I help you grow in kindness to your husband if your Facebook page makes it look like you are but at home you aren't and you haven't opened up about that to anyone?
How would it help you if I post about my perfect marriage and my perfect grasp at motherhood?
That only helps to make you feel inadequate and alienated. 
How does it help to post about holiness and seeking sanctity without sharing my struggles about it and my daily walk to seek it?
I don't mean to say to lay it all on Facebook. Only nut heads like me do that in public places. 
But, be more real, please.

I want to see more real Christians. 
I want to see more relatable Christians. 
I want Christians to grasp what Jesus said when He said this:

Matthew 25
34 “Then the King will say to those on his right, ‘Come, you who are blessed by my Father; take your inheritance, the kingdom prepared for you since the creation of the world. 35 For I was hungry and you gave me something to eat, I was thirsty and you gave me something to drink, I was a stranger and you invited me in, 36 I needed clothes and you clothed me, I was sick and you looked after me, I was in prison and you came to visit me.’

37 “Then the righteous will answer him, ‘Lord, when did we see you hungry and feed you, or thirsty and give you something to drink?38 When did we see you a stranger and invite you in, or needing clothes and clothe you? 39 When did we see you sick or in prison and go to visit you?’

40 “The King will reply, ‘Truly I tell you, whatever you did for one of the least of these brothers and sisters of mine, you did for me.’