Out of Pause mode

I recently share that I felt my life was in pause. And I was surprised to find teaching and truth in that feeling. I learned that one, this day was the day the Lord made. He intended for me to live a day at a time. Two, this might be the only day I get, so I must live it good, not waiting for the "better days" to come. And what were this better days to come? That day I had my daughters with laughter and smiles in their mouths, air in their lungs, and sparkling eyes to stare me back. Was there anything better? 

One thing I didn't address is why I felt my life in pause. 
So, why is it in pause mode? 
I thought it was because I thought I was living just to make it to the next time I see my husband again. I just have to "make it through" the eleven days apart to "live" the three days he spends with us. That has proven untrue as I learn to enjoy alone time with the girls and alone time with myself. Having one less role to play during the day really frees up my time. And I have seriously been wasting it instead of investing it with more alone time with the Lord (something I intend to fix ASAP). 

I used to plan for the future.
How and when we could move out of my in-laws. 
How and when I could be a stay-at-home mom and home school. 
How and when we could have another baby. 

I don't anymore and hence the "pause". 
We decided that it is safer for us (living in the second most violent city in the world) to live with my in-laws than eleven days alone with two girls. No more plans of moving. 
If my husband´s career takes off with this very sacrificial job, maybe I could finally give up working. I don't think I'll be able to home school and am now considering schools for the girls next year which will make it even harder for me to stop working and has actually had me looking for more demanding jobs that will build my curriculum. 
The new baby has had me playing badminton with myself. We can afford it-we can't afford it. It's too soon-maybe it's the right time. I don't think I can manage-maybe I can manage. The girls still need attention-Kaylee would be three by the time the baby is born. 

And the reason for the pause in my life has it's root in the source of my trust. 
Can the Lord make it happen for us to have the family He has put in our hearts? 
And that is what I had to be reminded of. 
My life could be more comfortable if we stopped at two kids. 
If we continued on this track, we could soon buy a house and send the girls to private school. 
Life could be everything the world promises. 
And I could live with that. 

But it was the Lord who placed in my heart the desires for my family that I have, not the world or my own desires. I never thought I'd desire many children. I never thought the high-overachiever in me would desire a life at home. I would rather work in the very comfortable, low-demanding office job I have right now than cleaning floors, toilets, doing laundry, feeding toddlers, bathing toddlers, and teaching home school to toddlers. That sounds ten times harder than what I do! Yet my heart desires it. And how easy would it be to send them to school? I am still woken in the middle of the night regularly by one or both of the girls. They still want to sleep on top of me. They leave me tired and sore and waking up more tired and sore. If I sought my own good, I would not want another baby. Or at least, not now. 

I have questioned the decisions for my life I have taken. Why, with your excellent academic performance, did you not go abroad to study? Why did you marry young (to the world standards)? Why did you quit your high-paying job that offered growth opportunities? 
But what were the root of these questions I was asking? Because I could have traveled more and seen the world. Because as a single woman I could have had more freedom to do with my time and money what I wanted. Because I could have amounted more material things that I should already have at my 30´s. 

Well, why did you? 
I stayed because I was happy serving in my church during my youth and doing that mattered more than traveling. I married because I was convicted that marrying young was God's will for me and I actually felt I didn't marry young enough. I quit my job because the Lord had given me the conviction that my time was better used for my family, instead of accruing material things. 

I made those decision with God in mind. 
So what has happened to me?
Why am I now regretting not having traveled more, a graduate degree, more material things, a better job, easier days? 
When did I become so self-absorbed I forgot my life's purpose was to serve Him and His people? 
When did my heart move so far from God that decisions I never questioned are now being questioned in the most Satanic trap of "what could have been"? And if I chose these with God in mind, why would I believe the lie that had I decided differently my life would be better?
I am in pause mode because I am resisting the desires God has placed in my heart with the pull the world has grown in me for lack of holiness. I am in pause mode because my trust is myself, my husband, and our circumstances, instead of the God who calls us to: "... know the love of Christ which surpasses knowledge, that you may be filled up to all the fullness of God. To Him Who is able to do far more abundantly beyond all that we ask or think, according to the power that works within us, to Him be the glory in the church and in Christ Jesus to all generations forever and ever. Amen." Ephesians 3:19-21
"His ultimate concern is not to get you or me from point A to point B along the quickest, easiest, smoothest, clearest route possible. Instead, his ultimate concern is that you and I would know Him deeply as we trust Him more completely. (131)" David Platt, Follow me.

Dear Lord, 
I here decide to trust you with the desires You have placed in our hearts. Help me live one day at a time, living it knowing you more and loving you better. I hereby relinquish any control I think I have over my life and give it to you blindly.  


No pause mode allowed

I am in pause mode.
I don't know what to make of my life.
I feel like just going through the motions.
A few days ago I was so desperate I almost decide to stay in Panama for good.

Let me fill you in.
My husband accepted a job working as a civil engineer in the construction of a dam. It is a great opportunity and a great job. Did I mention this job offer came the day after this post?
There I was crying to the Lord to answer our request of employment for my husband, and he got two offers the very next day. The catch? They are both far away from home. He started there last Monday. He needs to be there eleven days and come home for only three for the next six months!
Luckily, that first week we were spending it apart I was going to spend it in Panama city visiting my mom and sister. I was having a great time sharing with both of them and with my daughters, watching them interact with each other. They are the world's best Grandma and Aunt. My daughters had the time of their life.

And it hit me that I had nothing to go back to Honduras to. My husband was not going to be home most of the time. I do not have a home as I still live with my in-laws. I got a no at the job I had applied that I really wanted and didn't have much motivation to go back to my current job. But I might have not much to go back to Honduras to, but my daughters did. When Emmalee realized we were getting on a plane, she realized she was going home. It is home for her, and a happy home at that. The first thing she asked me when we got off the plane was if we were going to see her dad. "No, sweetie, we are not seeing your dad just yet." Boy, that first night at our room without my husband really made it all come true. Goodness, this is just the first time we'll be this way. I am actually closer to seeing him that I will be the next time.

I feel in pause mode.
I feel like my life just stopped and it isn't going anywhere.
Like, what is the purpose of it all?
This might be my depression talking, but it is how I feel.
Like if life in the next months is just to pass it by.
Like this months don't count in the story of our life.

Yesterday I was bathing the girls, and they were just so happy splashing in the water smiling. I picked up Kaylee and just stayed there staring at her wonderful face. Emmalee was cuddling with me as we watched Frozen for the third time and pause mode didn't seem so bad. They both have been singing "Let it go" all week long they are going to drive me crazy. A part of the lyrics (which is the only part of that lyric I like) says: "It's funny how some distance makes everything seem small and the fears that once controlled me can get to me at all."
We both have jobs. They might not be what we wanted, but so many don't even have one to cover theirs needs, and some more.
I just had an amazing vacation time that was just what I needed to recharge batteries. So many people don't get to spend a week like that.
We both have good health and our daughters have good health to enjoy the little things in life like splashing baths and warm beds watching Frozen for the nth time.
I don't know what is next in my life. We are living day to day, which is how we are supposed to live.

Matthew 6:34
So do not worry or be anxious about tomorrow, for tomorrow will have worries and anxieties of its own. Sufficient for each day is its own trouble.
Ecclesiastes 9:
11 Here is something else I have learned:
The fastest runners and the greatest heroes don’t always win races and battles.
Wisdom, intelligence, and skill don’t always make you healthy, rich, or popular.
We each have our share of bad luck.
12 None of us know when we might fall victim to a sudden disaster and find ourselves like fish in a net or birds in a trap.

I have to say those verses make me feel better from not getting that job. How is this all the Bible and we overlook it?

Barbara Ryberg's poem “Step by Step.”

He does not lead me year by year
Nor even day by day,
But step by step my path unfolds;
My Lord directs my way.

Tomorrow’s plans I do not know,
I only know this minute;
But He will say, “This is the way,
By faith now walk ye in it.”

And I am glad that it is so,
Today’s enough to bear;
And when tomorrow comes, His grace
Shall far exceed its care.

What need to worry then, or fret?
The God who gave His Son
Holds all my moments in His hand
And gives them, one by one.

Psalm 118:24
This is the day the Lord has made; therefore we will rejoice and be glad in it.

No pause mode allowed.
This is the day the Lord gave me.
Today is all I get.
I either live it well or waste it.
Fill my heart with gratitude, Lord.