A note on miscarriage

"Last couple of years have been a beating."
Those were the words Larry Crowne says in the movie Larry Crowne when he is informed he is being fired because he cannot go higher in the company due to his lack of college degree and he cannot stay forever in the same job due to company policies. We learn later in the movie Larry has recently divorced and will lose the house he thought he would make a family in. The words have lingered with me.

I thought of those words: last years have been a beating. It certainly has felt that way. The hubs has been unable to find a steady job. He gets a job whose project gets canceled due to funding. I was fired for getting pregnant and later fired for not being an American in Honduras (feel the irony). And we haven't been able to move from our in-laws.

But I realized we haven't taken a beating.
We didn't bury a loved one.
We are not in debt.
We are not homeless or alone.
We are not battling a permanent illness or a terminal illness.
We are not struggling in our marriage or as parents.
We have a good relationship and we support each other in everything.
We have two beautiful, gorgeous, perfect, healthy, smart, kind, funny daughters.
We are blessed beyond what we deserve.
And even though we are not were we wished we'd be, we were very happy to find out we were pregnant.

So much information in two little lines.

This was last Wednesday during Holy week.
We were scared, for like a second, and then the excitement hit us hard.
What if my prayers are answered and they're twins?
What if it is a boy?
Who cares is it is another beautiful baby girl!

I dreamt of beautiful baby feet and baby toes, the smell of newborn, the joy and pleasure of breastfeeding, how would Emmalee and Kaylee treat the baby, what would we name him or her ... or them!
And yesterday, while I was in a meeting all day, I felt the pain in my lower abdomen while my baby was being ripped apart from my body. I left the office in scary tears when I saw blood and ran to the doctor's. An empty womb showed in the ultrasound.

No. It is still not a beating.
We are still blessed beyond what we deserve.
But the real pain of a miscarriage is that it is only a death to me.
People tell me they are sorry and they will try to comfort me, but no one will mourn this life like me. No one will know the pain of watching my dream drain down in red from my own body. No one will forever remember the baby that was lost because it was only a baby to me. I will think about this baby for the rest of my life. When I see the girls, I'll think of the brother or sister that could have been there playing with them. On every birthday from now on, I will calculate what age the baby would have been by now. People will do this with you if you lost a born child. Only you will do this with an unborn lost baby. Only I was in love with that child for the six days I knew of his or her existence. Only I am heart broken. It is a very lonely and hard place to be.
I just don't want another person tell me this was God's will or everything is gonna be ok. These are truths that come about on their own. I am glad most have only said "sorry."

My heart aches more when I ponder on whether my baby was a human or not, having failed to implant. A fully formed zygote that could not cling to the nourish that would make it grow, was that bundle of cells with half my DNA in it even a baby? The issue of abortion, so abhorrent to me, is that it claims it was not alive. How then, can we called cells live things? Should this change how I view every living thing?

And then there is the spiritual issues. Will I meet him or her in heaven? Did the baby have a soul yet? Was there even a beating heart? I remember how we found out we were pregnant with Emmalee really early. On her first ultrasound, she was nothing but a tiny bean where all we could see was a white dot turning on and off signaling her beating heart. That intermittently white dot was so beautiful and awe-inspiring to me.

Most women don't even realized they have miscarried. They didn't know there had been conception. I did. My brain has no idea what to do or where to go. All it knows is that it was a mommy to three. My heart finds comfort in God giveth and God taketh, but blessed be His name!

On Becoming a Parent Part 2

So apparently I cannot give birth without hearing the words "That is the first time that happens" from nurses and doctors.

For those of you who want to know what I am talking about with Emmalee, here is the link.

Kaylee was schedule to come out of her comfy belly-home this monday the 7th, which is why her grandma Linda booked a plane ticket from Panama City to Tegucigalpa on the 6th. I prayed plenty asking God that my mom would be here for Emmalee's delivery, that I was sure He was going to do the same for Kaylee and didn't even bother to ask. To poor grandma's dismay, Kaylee came out 4 days ahead.

Luckily, I had the sense to pack the morning of Wednesday the 2nd. We had just returned from Emmalee's first time at the movie theater. She has gone before but to sleep on mommy or daddy's lap. This time she went to watch the movie. She really enoyed the animated film and clapped at the end. She is growing so fast. I came home to finish cleaning and organizing the guest room for mom and rearranging our bedroom to fit the playpen that has a nifty newborn station for Kaylee's first months. I don't know if all that exertion got me into labor or if it was just time but, at 1 am of that Thursday, I began with contractions.

Now contractions usually take some time before they become frequent and painful, indicating it is time to go to the hospital. You feel them in the middle of your belly and you can tell it is a contraction because your whole belly hardens. The pain I was feeling was only on the lower right side of my belly and didn't feel like contractions, but by 1:30 am the contractions where closer together and very painful, which got me scared really fast. I called my doctor and was instructed to go to the hospital immediately.

I don't know how many times I said "Rodolfo hurry up" in the few minutes it took us to get dressed and "ready" for the hospital. (The "ready" is because we had mine and Kaylee's stuff ready, but not Emmalee's). Needless to say, I was pretty scared in the car praying for Kaylee's safety. Our car was in the shop and we felt so blessed our friend George had left us a car to use until ours was fixed. (I seriously hate my car).

I was worried the doctor would delay in arriving, but he got there five minutes after us. I just wanted to enter his clinic and see Kaylee on the ultrasound monitor. The doctor was checking me and I yelled "Just show her to me already!!!" "The ultrasound is malfunctioning," he said. He asked me to calm down so he could listen to her heart beat. When I heard the words "She is perfectly fine," my heart started beating again. My in-laws live nearby the hospital and were able to arrive quickly and care for Emmalee. 

I had google before calling the doctor the kind of pain I was feeling could mean placental abruption (which you can read about here).

Turned out, to mis dismay, that I was right and thus needed to go into surgery right away. 

I was afraid waking up the staff necessary for my emergency cesarean would take a while, time in which my contractions would scalate quickly putting me inside the OR in extreme pain again. The doctor told me he would start operating in half hour, which translated to Honduran time meant at least an hour and a half. Turned out I was wrong. I was surprised how quickly they were there and ready. 

When the time for the epidural came, I told the doctor of my complication the last time. He promised me that would not happen this time. I am glad he was true to his promise.

Before surgery the doctors and nurses got together in a circle and prayed. That made me feel really good. I was happy my doctor allowed Rodol to be in the OR with me, and he got to cut Kaylee's umbilical chord. He was so happy. Being inside, hearing me talk, and seeing Kaylee come out safely made him feel better than with Emmalee's delivery, where being in the waiting room not knowing what was going on made the minutes feel like hours. All I have to say is that he has a strong stomach. I was happy he was there and he stroke my hair until the surgery was over. 

They took me to the recovery room and he left to check on Kaylee. Those 45 minutes on the recovery room felt endless. I was anxious to see Kaylee or at least be allowed to be in my room with Emmalee. 

When I was finally sent to my room, I was immediately concerned with the look on Rodol's face. It turned out that Kaylee had trouble adjusting to the environment and was given oxygen to breathe (effects of the placental abruption). The pediatrician told us we were lucky she came early because she was showing signs of fetal distress. 

She came out a lot smaller and thinner than Emmalee. Emmalee was three weeks older when she was born. It may not seem like much, but, in development inside the womb, it makes a big difference. 

The nurses said they would be taking her to the room in a few minutes. Those did turn out to be hours.

My in-laws and my dad where all really tired from the long night, but no one would leave until we had Kaylee on the room. We got Kaylee three hours later, immediately requesting feeding. When I saw how strong a feeder she was, I knew she was going to be ok. I was so happy breastfeeding again! Everyone stared at her for a few minutes and went their way.

By now it was around 6 am. On my surgery with Emmalee I remember coming out of surgery with a foley catheter on that was removed until the next day. With Kaylee's surgery, my catheter was removed in the recovery room around 3 am. I found it strange, but they said it was ok to remove it, so I didn't inquire any further. 

I was happy with Kaylee and Rodol in the room recovering from surgery (Emmalee left with her grandparents). I really wished my mom was there. Time passed and the effects of the anesthesia were wearing off as I could feel the pain from the cut. The nurses administered some analgesics the doctor had prescribed. It seemed weird to me that the pain in the cut subsided, but not my general pain. The hours kept passing and my pain only became stronger and stronger. Around 1pm I was complaining heavily about the pain I was feeling. 

They sent a doctor to check on me. You could tell from a mile away he was just a medical student. 

He asked me where I was feeling pain and I told him it was in the abdominal area. He gave me the dumbest look ever and said "Well, you just had surgery. It is normal that you feel pain," to which I responded in my most aggravated tone "It is normal that I feel pain. It is not normal that the analgesics are having absolutely no effect and my pain is actually increasing!" He just bowed his head and agreed, but of course did nothing. 

Time kept passing and I kept telling them I was feeling too much pain. They changed me to a stronger analgesic. I started calling them telling me to give me something stronger, to which all just replied that I should wait for the new analgesic to come into effect. I started calling my doctor continuously on the phone demanding him to come see me. He sent the on-call doctor at the ER. He checked my pulse, my pressure, my wound, my bleeding and concluded that everything was ok. He called my doctor and told him I had a "low pain threshold" to which I, infuriated, replied with a "This is not my first c-section! Something is wrong, help me!"

They did nothing again so I did the only thing I could. I started screaming. It was really hard to scream with the intense pain in my abdomen, but it was all I could do. I looked so bad not even Rodol tried to stop me from screaming. My screams where heard all throughout.

Finally my doctor came to see me. I was in so much pain I was shaking the bed. 

He asked me if it was my wound that hurt. I said yes but that what really hurted was my abdominal area. He asked the nurses if I had peed all day and they said I had. He asked for a catheter just to be sure. As soon as he placed the catheter in, I stopped screaming and laid peacefully on the bed. They took out three liters of urine from a bladder that holds 600ml!

By the look on their faces I could tell they had really screwed up. They even treated me with a lot of care after my screaming show. Had I not screamed for help, they would have had a very complicated gallbladder surgery on a recently operated patient. I could have died of complications, my bladder was about to burst!

And just like with my post-dural-puncture headache, all doctors and nurses kept telling me "That had never happened before." 

I was just thankful that after that, I felt a lot better. I didn't even need the analgesics anymore and the pain from the cut was more than bearable.

We stayed in the hospital until Saturday and I was happy my mother-in-law came to spend the night with us, since my mom was arriving until Sunday.

The pediatrician told me Kaylee suffered from Jaundice but that I could take her home and just expose her to the sun in the mornings and afternoons. There was something bothering me about her jaundice, though my mom and my mother-in-law said she was fine and the jaundice was mild. I couldn't shake the feeling it was more than that and took Kaylee to the pediatrician on Monday. We went to draw some blood to check her bilirubin levels beforehand. The nurses and doctors at the Lab said she was fine and that they had seen babies a lot more yellow than Kaylee. The test results were not done yet and we had to be on time to see the pediatrician, so the lab said I could call to get the results. As soon as my pediatrician saw her he said she was ok, like everyone else, and that the jaundice was mild. He did the check up on her and was about to dispatch us when we got the results from the lab. 

Her jaundice was not mild and we had to stay in the hospital for two days.

He even admitted "mom knows best."

It was really hard to hear we had to stay in the hospital, not to mention the huge financial hit. 

Thankfully, God gave provision through my mom and Kaylee got better.

We are finally home and together.

We are happy to have my mom with us and as our guest.

Emmalee could not be a cuter big sister. All she wants to do when she sees Kaylee out of her cradle is give her kisses. She kisses her arms, belly, and forehead.

Thank You for Your provision, Your care, Your protection, faithfulness, and love, my dear Lord.

She is more Red than yellow

Mommy was so happy to have her so soon in the hospital room

Party of Four!

Happy grandma

Sister kisses

loves of my life

Becoming a Mommy

The first time daddy felt her kick in the belly he couldn't sleep all night.
The first time I saw her beating heart on the sonogram I cried. Grandma Linda also.
The first thing I said when I saw her for the first time was: "She is so hairy!"
The first thing I thought when I first held her in my arms: "I would give my life for you and you wouldn't even remember me."
The first thing I do when I see her smile is gasp.
The first thing I do when I stare into her eyes is marvel at such beauty.
The first thing I do when a new outfit fits her is call her daddy to show him.
The first thing he does is take a picture of her.
The first thing I do when she wakes up crying for hunger is thank the Lord for giving her life and have her breathing.
The first time I breastfed was the first time I thanked God for having made me a woman and letting me experience that unique conexion with my daughter.
The first time she cried we thought it would never end.
The first thing she does when I change her diaper or her clothes is smile in content,
The first thing she does when she is upset is take off her socks.
The first thing people do when they are holding her and she starts crying is hand her to mommy :)
Being a mommy is filled with many firsts, that much I know.

After Emmalee was born people started asking me how it felt to become a mommy.
I didn't quite know how to answer that question. It wasn't like I felt any different as a person. Becoming a mommy had not made me a different person. The only difference was that I was overflowing with love for a new person. I wondered why, though, I didn't feel any difference I could tell as answer to people's question. Now I know why. I have loved my daughter with all the love I have for her since the day I knew she had been conceived, not the day she was born. The only knew thing that happened that day she was born is that I got to meet her and see her face and tell her how much I love her to her face. A change I could convey to people that has happened to me since my daughter's birth, however, is my greater awe for my God.

Some women think that being a mommy somehow makes them superior to women who aren't mothers. Some women who aren't mothers think that women who are mothers are superior. Some women think that becoming a mother will change them into a new kind of woman; this superior being maybe? Some women think this way about marriage too. Being a married women ups your status and becoming a mommy ups it some more. These misconceptions have women comparing themselves to others, looking down on themselves or looking down on others, and missing out on who they are in Christ.

If you are not a mother or a wife it is in God's plan and God knows why. Being unmarried or without children is not a lower status. Have you stopped and think how much God can use you being a single woman and having God as your only Lord? Have you stopped and think how God can use your marriage to impact others and serve as a couple without children? It is healthy for women to desire marriage and babies. It is unhealthy when you are desiring it to "catch up" or to undergo the "transformation" that marriage and children bring in you. This is a lie. Marriage doesn't change you and neither does motherhood.

If you are unhappy unmarried, you won't become happy married. Same goes for motherhood. If you are not satisfied with the life you have, other people will not be able to change that. If you are not able to give God thanks for the life He has given you today, you will never experience joy and happiness. If this is your case, marriage and motherhood will actually worsen your situation with the toils and duties they're accompanied with.

Women give "status" to so many things.
For me, for example, the status in becoming a mommy was accompanied by the way I became a mommy.
Natural birth was a higher "mommy status" than having a c-section. This was not my thinking in my desire for natural birth. I wanted natural birth because I want many children and c-sections come with warnings and restriccions of number of pregnancies. Also, I wanted the quicker recovery for more quality time with my newborn. However, I felt "inferior" having not been able to bring my child into the world with a natural labour; as if I had failed as a woman and had my baby the way "lazy, comformed" women do. My only comfort was that I had at least tried to have my baby with a normal labour. Again, that unspoken seeking of higher status: "at least I tried unlike those other women who schedule c-sections."
How stupid thinking. And poor men don't even realize that-yes!-this is how alot of women think!

Gratitude is key for everything. God won't give you more reasons to complain. You complain you are unemployed today, you will complain of the great workload tomorrow. If you complain of not having a house today, you will complain of having to clean and upkeep it tomorrow. Maybe you can understand why He hasn't given you a husband or children to complain about.
Don't get me wrong either; just because you have a husband and/or children doesn't mean you don't complain or that you don't suffer from ungratefulness.

Philippians 4:6-7

6 Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. 7 And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.

Gratitude is the only way to happiness. You are able to thank God in extraordinary situations like I wrote here. You are able to thank God every single day. If you can't, you need to change your heart, not your life; and marriage and motherhood won't change your heart.

The funny thing is that this "status" thinking is given mainly among christian women. To unbelieving women, marriage and children are a hassle and an obstacle to their career goals and the "me" lifestyle. Christian women tend to scrutinize more: This mother homeschools but this one doesn't. This woman works outside the home and this one doesn't. This one prefers her career than homemaking. This one has a maid and this one tends to her own house alone. This one is into organic, healthy cooking and this one lets her children eat fast food. This one breastfeeds and this one doesn't.
As if the way my daughter was born has any bearing on the kind of mother I'll be. As if breastfeeding guarantees a healthy baby. As if homeschooling guarantees a child that will love and serve the Lord!

We do what we do for love of the Lord and love of our family; not because it makes you a better mother and better wife than other women; not because you want to take "the high road"; not to catch up to the women you compare yourself with; not because your way is a better way than theirs.
This life has taught me this: obey God because His way is good, enjoy where God has you today, give thanks to God for everything everyday, ask Him to guard your heart and mind, and surrender your desires to His will.

 Becoming a mommy just makes me be in awe of how wonderful, creative, impressive, perfect, crafty, designer, and merciful God is! I mean, just look at the great job He did with this little one of His!

On Becoming a Parent

So, for those of you wondering how Emmalee's birth went down, here is the story:

We went to the doctor's Friday December 14. I was hoping to hear the doctor say we would be having our baby girl pretty soon. EVERYONE, and I mean everyone, said my baby would be coming before her due date, almost like a promise. Well, it's a promise I was fully hoping for as long as she did not come before December 9 which was the day my mom was arriving from Panama. Nope, The doctor said the baby was not coming anytime soon and he would be seeing me again December the 21st maybe to induce labour on the 23th! Well, I started taking everyone's advice on things that could induce labour sooner and found myself drinking tons of cinnamon tea and taking long walks.

It was 2 am December 16 when my contractions kicked in. I was having 30 sec contractions every 5 minutes. "Wow, she really is punctual," I thought to myself since the 16th was her due date. Yes! I won't have to spend Christmas in the hospital and I really don't want my daughter having her birthday on such an inconvenient date. The doctor had told me not to go running to the hospital right away because if I had no dilatation they would send me back home. I waited till the contractions became more often and stronger and decided to head to the hospital al 9am. I was admitted and since I had no dilation I was sent back home :(.
The rest of the day the contractions came farther apart in time but much stronger. The doctor told me to go back to the hospital if the contractions got closer together.

At 3 am December 17 the contractions were back to 5 minutes apart but much stronger in duration and pain. I called my doctor to tell him I couldn't take it anymore and to please admit me to the hospital. He was at another childbirth at a nearby hospital, so he asked me to wait for him in the emergency room of that hospital. In the ER of Hospital San Jorge I was checked by the on-call doctor who informed me I had 3cm of dilation. "That's good," I thought to myself, "Progess!" All of a sudden I realized my water just broke. "Yes! This means I am truly on labour this time!" The doctor came down to the ER around 4 am and told us we had 5cm dilation. "Amazing. 2 cm in less than 2 hours. And they say the last cm are the fastest! Thank You God," I prayed.

We transferred to Viera Hospital which is where we planned having the baby. The contractions had now began getting closer and stronger and stronger. I think I got really close to breaking one of Rodol's fingers. Rodol was the only one admitted to be inside with me while we waited for the time of delivery. I don't know if it is true or the pain was just so much, but I think those contractions were every two minutes with a 1 minute duration each.
I stared at Rodol and started crying "I can't do this. I can't do it anymore. Please get me an epidural."
This was around 6 am. The doctor asked me to be strong because an epidural could cause problems when the time to push came. I decided to be strong and keep holding on. At 7 am the doctored checked me again. "Please, God, please let me be at 7 or 8cm dilation. Please," I begged the Lord in my head.
"6 cm," said the doctor. He might have said 1cm and the disappointment would have been the same. From 4 am to 7 am I had dilated one cm.
"I can't do this," I cried again to my husband, as I twist and tilt of pain grasping his hand almost falling from the bed.
"Yes you can! You can do all things through Him Who gives you strength!" he replies.
"It doesn't apply!"
"It specially applies!"

Breathing through each contraction is getting harder and harder as each one becomes longer and more painful. My husband breathes with me so I can follow his lead. I'm able to do this during 4 to 5 contractions when I reach a breaking point and I begin to scream and moan on the next one to come.
"No crying! Breathe!" The stern voice of my husband brings me back to my senses. "Breathe! Just a little longer and it will soon be over. Just hang in there."
I regained composure and the cycle began again: 6 contractions breathing and 1 of desperation!
It is 9:30am. The doctor is gonna check again.
"Please, God, let him say we are at 8! Please let it be 8! Let it be 8 I beg You!"
"6cm."
My heart had dropped so low I could feel it in my stomach.
6cm! 6cm still!!
"I'm sorry. We can't do it any longer. You need a C-Section," says the doctor, trying to say it in a way I won't lose my mind.

I turn to my husband as I mouth "I'm sorry." When I'm finally able to speak I say "I couldn't do it after all" with tears flowing down.
"You tried." my husband tried to comfort me. "You did your best. No one can argue that. I'm proud of you."

With the realization that all that pain was in vain, I no longer had restraint. Every contraction that followed made me cry and moan and even scream a little. Rodol was still trying to get me to breathe while the nurses prepped me for the OR but my mind is lost.
I had never been in an OR before. I'm scared. Rodol couldn't go in with me anymore.
"They are going to stick a needle as long as my finger on my spinal cord!" I think to myself.
"Will it hurt?" I sobbingly asked the anesthesiologist.
"No more than your contracions," she replies. Very comforting because I'm no longer afraid.
She was right. It hurt far less than my contractions. Now, without any pain, I laid there disappointed and motionless. I was so sad that this is happening I forget about the baby.
And then I heard her.
"She's crying. She's crying so hard. She's here. She is finally here!" I think to myself as tears began to flow.
All the disappointment from before was gone and my heart was so full it feels like coming out of my chest.
"She is completely healthy and beautiful," the anesthesiologist who hasn't left my side told me.
And then I saw her!
My first words: "She is so hairy!"
They just placed her beside my head for a few seconds and took her away.
"Thank You God. Thank You. This was all that mattered," I prayed as I dozed of the rest of the surgery.

 Those who visited barely spent time with me as they all couldn't stop staring at the baby downstairs. They can only see her through a window for no one is allowed to touch her. It doesn't matter much; she is so beautiful they were all mesmerized
I was able to touch her the next day when I could finally stand up.
Only mommy was allowed inside to be with her. Poor daddy and grandma only watch from outside.

Parenthesis (Please excuse mommy's tired face)

At 4pm of the second day I began having a really strong headache. The headache was so strong that it hurt in the back of my eyes and I could barely see. The pain got stronger depending on my heads position, and it hurt more when I was breastfeeding. This pain tortured me for 5 days until I finally went back into the OR to have it fixed. I had a post lumbar puncture headache. You can read more of that here. I had the blood patch done on me. Thank God the procedure reduced my headache 90% almost immediately and I was able to enjoy my time feeding Emmalee.

Being a parent has been amazing. This frightful story becomes nothing when I get to stare into my beautiful baby girl's eyes. She keeps us up all night, even when she is not crying (Paranoic mommy wakes up to check she's breathing), she makes us wonder why she cries and we run all randomly trying to figure it out, we are still scared when giving her a bath, and we can't believe how little her finger nails are.
I would do it all over again and I regret nothing.

I was beginning to sing "Your Love is Strong" by Jon Foreman to her to make her sleep but when I sang the first lines "Heavenly Father, You always amaze me" I looked at her and was astounded by how truly amazed I was by my Heavenly Father with the preciousness of my daughter that I began to cry.

Dear Father,
You always amaze me. Your faithfulnes is forever with me and it humbles me and brings me to tears and joy.
I know this child is not mine and she is borrowed. May I raise her in Your ways and teach her to live a life that brings You glory. But before teaching her that, give me the grace and wisdom to show it to her. I love You, Father and Rodol and I praise You for our beautiful Emmalee.

 first time in dad's arms

 with my beautiful grandma

It's a Girl, the story.

This story is nothing new in alot of places, but here in Honduras it was quite a novelty.
Actually, I got the idea from a fellow blogger.
We had been anxiously waiting for the time to be able to find out the baby's gender.
When the time finally came my husband was surprised to hear that I wanted to wait for the result.
He thought I was not going to be able resist temptation.

It was the first time ever I had had the willpower to wait for my monthly checkup appointment without moving the date ahead. I called the day before to confirm my appointment, when my doctor told me she was not seeing patients that week because she was sick and my appointment had been moved 8 days later. I'm sorry, I had behaved enough to wait more so I went to a different doctor. She spent almost an hour making sure she was sure of the baby's sex, but I had requested ahead that she didn't tell me the sex but write it down on an envelope. She was so cute making sure her doctor-handwriting was legible.

To my husband's surprise, I asked him to take me to a bakery. I gave the envelope to the baker and asked her to bake me a cake with a blue filling if the envelope said boy or a pink filling it said girl, but no disclosure in the outside design. We picked a strawberry design from the counter and went our way having to wait till 4pm in the afternoon of the NEXT day to know the sex. Talk about self-control growth!

We invited close family and friends to come to the reveal to find out the baby's sex together. I wanted to invite more friends but it was such a hectic day I was unable to send out more invites :(. I wanted to have mommy on skype but she had to do errands. We were gonna have her online on the phone and she was without service at the moment of the cake cutting!!! :(.. But the joy to reveal Emmalee Zelaya is coming to us on December was greater than anything else.

the cake! What will the inside contain? Pink? Blue?

 You can see my excitement to see what's it going to be!

 It's pink!!!! A Girl!!!

 My husband had no idea how to react

And after the surprise, enjoy wonderful cake!

Dear Emmalee,
We are so excited to find out you'll be a little princess. Daddy is a little overwhelmed. We bug him because he will be surrounded only by girls in the house with Lanky, Terry, Grandma Estela, me, and now you. Your momma Linda is the most excited Grandma in the world. She has been refraining herself from buying you tons of stuff and can't wait to come see you in the belly and accompany me in labour. We are so blessed to have her. She sent me some clothes and belts to give you space, keep you comfy, and keep mommy happy and stylish. Grandma Martha has been helping me by cooking for me and taking care of me when I'm feeling tired. Grandpa Edgardo will soon start working on your crib, and I'm sure Grandpa  Rodolfo will make you something too; you have crafty grandpa's. Daddy has been taking great care of mommy by rubbing her feet daily, putting her the creams to care for her body, and being the best husband in the world. He's been anxiously waiting to feel you move in the belly and constantly touches it to see if that time has come. He's jealous I can already feel you moving, specially when mommy turns over her belly at night; you don't like that at all. Your aunt and uncles are so excited. You have one Aunt and three uncles, plus the many, many aunts and uncles from the Christ-family you'll also have. They are all praying for you and completely sure you'll be the most beautiful girl in the world. We love you very much!

For He has been mindful of His servant!

I Samuel 1

 ¹⁰ In her deep anguish Hannah prayed to the LORD, weeping bitterly. ¹¹ And she made a vow, saying, “LORD Almighty, if you will only look on your servant’s misery and remember me, and not forget your servant but give her a son, then I will give him to the LORD for all the days of his life, and no razor will ever be used on his head.”

¹⁷ Eli answered, “Go in peace, and may the God of Israel grant you what you have asked of him.”

Yes, I can understand how she feels. 

My heart sinks low in my stomach when I see a baby.

I have prayed to the Lord for a child. 

Like Hannah, I long for children to give to the Lord.

I desire for Him to title my husband "father" through me. 

I've had friends and family join me in this prayer. 

I was not yet in the weeping state, just in the fiercely longing and praying.

I allowed fears cloud my mind and forget the God that I trust. 

Certainly, no the God Mary was singing to:

Luke 1

“My soul glorifies the Lord 

 ⁴⁷ and my spirit rejoices in God my Savior, 

⁴⁸ for he has been mindful 

   of the humble state of his servant. 

From now on all generations will call me blessed, 

 ⁴⁹ for the Mighty One has done great things for me— 

   holy is his name. 

⁵⁰ His mercy extends to those who fear him, 

   from generation to generation.

Nothing will ever compare to the blessing the Lord gave Mary,

but I can think of one really, really close. 

It is not official yet. 

I will try to go see a doctor tomorrow. 

I'd go today if I could. 

Some minutes ago, my pregnancy test was POSITIVE!!!!

AHHHHHHHHHHH!!!

I don't know what to think!

I don't know how to feel.

I'm shaking as I write this down.

I'm tearful.

My cheeks hurt from so much smiling. 

If everything goes right and this is true, there is a child growing in me. 

My child is growing in me!

Oh Lord, Oh Lord!

Thank You!

The Lord has heard my cry and answered my plead.

He has showed me His inmense mercy upon me once more.

I can't fathom His goodness and love. 

I'm humbled and grateful.

My God is an awesome God.

Aunts and Uncles out there (You know who you are that I'm talking about!) be prepared!

The Zelaya-Ulloa hurricane is coming to town!!!!!!!

"Like my mother...  To be like my mother." That was the prayer!
Mommy, God heard us! 

:')