A wonderful Valentines and the day after

This is us celebrating Valentines Day 2019.
We had never celebrated Valentines Day before, mainly because we were always broke on Valentines Day, but also because we don't really care to celebrate it.
This time I had read there was going to be an outdoor cinema set up at the Canal building with a free entrance to watch COCO, the pixar movie.
I told my mom and also sent her an ad about half a dozen Krispy Kreme donuts free for the purchase of the other half.
"Movies and donuts for Valentines?" I texted. She replied with very excited emojis.
 There we were watching COCO and crying our eyes out because of how much she reminded us of our own grandma. The movie ends with Miguel singing and fireworks going off in the distance.
Little did we know real life fireworks would go off at the same time. It was quite spectacular. We had never been so close to fireworks.
That is when my husband said to me: "Best Valentines Day ever!"

My husband had been warned by his employer that he might lose his job because he still holds a student visa. His employer had taken him and the rest of his employees to lunch that very same Valentines Day. He treated them to a fancy lunch at a posh restaurant. He even brought each a box of chocolates (which Rodol gave to me) and sang praises of the wonderful job they were making.
"I don't think I am going to lose my job," was the first thing my husband said when he came back from work that Thursday. We had been on edge stressing about him losing his job wondering what we were going to do. Those were good news to be able to enjoy the rest of the day and finish it on a high.

The joy was short lived. My husband lost his job the very next day.
It was the worst time possible for us to lose our income. The 4 of us had upcoming appointments with immigration to sort out our residency. I had been saving all I could with what little we make, and I knew the $1,000 I had saved would still not be enough for all the expenses for our paperwork. We had no savings for such a time because all our savings wouldn't even be enough to cover what we were about to spend.

My husband was able to get his visa renewed without issues, but the girls and I had several issues and had to remake several documents spending unnecessary dollars. I have a new respect for immigrants. Oh boy, I struggle with a good family support system (I know I won't go homeless), with good education and good work experience, good friends and good connections, good church who offered to help us out with some money. How do those people who immigrate without all of the above do it?

I know my struggles are so small.
My dear friend Bram gave me a book with all of C.S. Lewis classic books in one for Christmas. I've been reading "The Problem with Pain." It is amazing!

2 Corinthians 1:8-9

"8 We do not want you to be uninformed, brothers and sisters, about the troubles we experienced in the province of Asia. We were under great pressure, far beyond our ability to endure, so that we despaired of life itself. 9 Indeed, we felt we had received the sentence of death. But this happened that we might not rely on ourselves but on God, who raises the dead. 10 He has delivered us from such a deadly peril, and he will deliver us again. On him we have set our hope that he will continue to deliver us"

The book has really spoken to my heart.

This excerpt from the book especially hit home with what I just told you of our situation. 

"I am progressing along the path of life in my ordinary contentedly fallen and godless condition, absorbed in a merry meeting with my friends for the morrow or a bit of work that tickles my vanity to-day, a holiday or a new book, when suddenly a stab of abdominal pain that threatens serious disease, or a headline in the newspapers that threatens us all with destruction, sends this whole pack of cards tumbling down. At first I am overwhelmed, and all my little happinesses look like broken toys. Then, slowly and reluctantly, bit by bit, I try to bring myself into the frame of mind that I should be in at all times. I remind myself that all these toys were never intended to possess my heart, that my true good is in another world and my only real treasure is Christ. And perhaps, by God’s grace, I succeed, and for a day or two become a creature consciously dependent on God and drawing its strength from the right sources. But the moment the threat is withdrawn, my whole nature leaps back to the toys: I am even anxious, God forgive me, to banish from my mind the only thing that supported me under the threat because it is now associated with the misery of those few days."

Sounds familiar?

Yesterday I was counting all the women I've met with active breast cancer (I've met many women who HAD breast cancer years ago. I was trying to list women who I met when their cancer was active). I counted five women, including myself. Of the the five, only one is still alive: me. How have I gone through something like that and still let something like losing a job make me fear or worry? 

How have I endured such pain and require more pain for the perfecting of my faith?   

"God has had me for but forty-eight hours and then only by dint of taking everything else away from me. Let Him but sheathe that sword for a moment and I behave like a puppy when the hated bath is over — I shake myself as dry as I can and race off to reacquire my comfortable dirtiness, if not in the nearest manure heap, at least in the nearest flower bed."

" But if suffering is good, ought it not to be pursued rather than avoided? I answer that suffering is not good in itself. What is good in any painful experience is, for the sufferer, his submission to the will of God"

I constantly tell my husband, when he despairs of our misfortunes that seem to never let go, that God will not give him what he asks, even if he asks not for riches but for sustenance (for the ability to provide for our needs), if answering that prayer would mean he would lose what matters most. If he had a job that gave him more than he needs, but keeps him from seeking and serving God, from being the good husband and father he is, what good would that be? Or if the vanity of a good career gets too tempting? I would rather keep living without knowing how we make ends meet than to be cursed with a life not centered in Christ but centered in us. That life could even cost us that "us". I see so many broken families and I know God is good to me. Only His goodness sustains my family together. I tell my husband that God will answer our prayers only when we are ready to receive what we have asked. He will not let us be as we are. That is not what a loving parent does. A loving parent will correct his child and fight to "break his will" so that the child learns obedience and manners. Why are we so rebellious when God does that to us?   

Since the life of Christ is every way most bitter to nature and the Self and the Me (for in the true life of Christ, the Self and the Me and nature must be forsaken and lost and die altogether), therefore in each of us, nature hath a horror of it. Theologia Germanica, XX.

Dear Lord,

It hurts. It hurts seeing my husband lose a job he worked on so diligently. He is kind to everyone, he is helpful, honest, and shows integrity and prudence. He should succeed in everything he does for there are few men quite as extraordinary as him. But Lord, we trust You are teaching both of us in our struggles. We trust You will provide for our needs, but before providing for our physical needs, You provide for our spiritual needs. You know we need You. You know we must seek You. You call us to You. Why do You call these unworthy humans? We don't know, but we are grateful You do. Help us not despair. Help us keep our eyes on You. Let this painful time we are experiencing bring us closer to You, but a closeness that is lasting. Let us not require hardship because in good times we forget Who sustains us. I rejoice in You greatly. When my husband gave me the news I was tempted to say "Show us Your faithfulness, God." But then I thought: "I take it back. I don't need to ask You to show me Your faithfulness. Just the fact that I am here proves that. I know, Father, that even if I wasn't here anymore, You would still be faithful." Thank you for that beautiful Valentines Day. It was indeed the best one we've had yet. I love You, Father.  

The purpose of Marriage

I remember when a pastor asked us during our pre-wedding counseling why we were getting married. What was the purpose of getting married?
Rodolfo and I looked at each other and answered what first came to our mind.
"To start a family. To be be together. Because we love each other," were some of the responses.
We were engaged and preparing a wedding without having asked ourselves that question.

Our pastor said the purpose should be to give God glory.
"Of course," I thought to myself. "We are centering our whole wedding around the gospel for our non-Christian family and friends." My vision was so narrow back then.

Marriage is for protection of immoral sexual sin (1 Corinthians 7:2), for the extension of our happiness and promotion of a healthy society (Proverbs 18:22), and for fellowship, mutual help, and companionship (Genesis 2:18).

But I had no idea of the importance and relevance of marriage in giving God glory. You see, marriage is the earthly image of God's love for His bride, the church. The way a husband loves his wife is the picture we can see with our own eyes of the love God has for His church.

Ephesians 5

25 Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her 26 to make her holy, cleansing her by the washing with water through the word, 27 and to present her to himself as a radiant church, without stain or wrinkle or any other blemish, but holy and blameless.

Yesterday I was reading an old blog post about adding goodness to our faith. I wrote of how I didn't want to be there for really terrible friends, and then realize I am an even more terrible friend to Jesus and He was still there for me.
This image is ten times enhanced in marriage.

I still remember my amazement when I realized how powerful the love of your husband is. We were newly weds learning to share life together, and I was constantly humbled by my husband's love for me.
I've said it before and I'll continue to say it: women are difficult.
Boy! Are WE difficult. Honestly!
I have a husband that loves me like the verse above "presents me without stain or wrinkle or blemish."

If I initially compared the greatness of Jesus being my friend with how bad a friend I am to him, I can't even comprehend or compare how great His love for the church is with how much love my husband shows to his undeserving and difficult wife.
I honestly wish every woman in the world could experience the greatness of being loved by a husband who shows an image of God on earth with how well he loves his wife. I wish every husband out there would desire to be a good image of God on earth by loving his wife well.
I wish I can be an image of submitting to a loving God by submitting with a joyful and grateful heart to the wonderful husband the Lord has given me.

This doesn't mean my marriage is perfect. The reason I am so humbled by Rodol's love for me is because he sees my shortcomings time and time again, and still loves me like our first day as a married couple. He sees the imperfections of my body, all exacerbated by pregnancies and cancer, and still looks at me with loving eyes. He deals with my mood swings and my fragile, prone-to-illness body and cares for me with the same patience and loving-kindness.  He forgives me for my difficulty submitting, my short temper, and my unkindness. He corrects me with his example and his listening-before-judging disposition, and is always ready to serve me and the girls.

The purpose of marriage is to show God's unconditional love in an imperfect relationship. I understand a little more why the husband is the head of the house, having the burden to portray God in this image which is not an easy feat.
My husband's love is nothing short of a miracle.

I was pondering on why this portrayal of unconditional love is not portrayed in the mother-child relationship. After all, how many countless poems have been written of the immeasurable love of a mother? I wondered which was greater: the love of a parent to a child or a spouse to spouse. I don't think it is a matter of which is greater, but of which is harder.

Most people, Christian or not, feel there is an obligation to love your children. If a newborn baby is found abandoned anywhere, there is immediate outrage from the whole world to this "monster" who didn't love her child. How could she not love the child? She HAS to. I've seen mothers forgive atrocities from her children. Mothers are mostly hurt by their own children. I even pray for the days my own daughters will cause me grief. because they are human. I also pray for the days I will cause them grief, as I suffer of the same imperfect condition.

But, somehow, you have been sold the idea that you should remain with your spouse only if the spouse makes you happy, if you feel "in love," if it's "working." If not, than you have been told to get out and find a relationship that makes you feel all of the above again. You are not obligated to love your spouse forever if he or she is causing you grief. If the relationship is inconvenient, you have been shown by the world that it is OK to leave, even better not to "stay together" for the kids. The world accepts your decision and condones it. No one will call you a monster if you leave your husband, even if you just cited the most common "irreconcilable differences." It is in this ambiguity of the image of love that the love of a spouse surpasses the love of a son. You are not obligated to love your spouse, so to show such unconditional love in this scenario is rare and strange. It is here where the image of God loving such a wrecked and sullied church [bride] and presenting her as without stain, wrinkle, or blemish is beautiful and humbling.

The thought crosses my mind (I won't lie): "What if you write these praises to your husband and one day he leaves you?" Well, 1) I must always have present the fact that my marriage could end up a failure story, but this is true with all my relationships. If I am not mindful of loving my husband well, caring for him and all his needs, and lifting him up with honor and admiration, there are plenty of women lined up to do that. If I am not mindful of the way I treat my girls and the way I talk to them, they will grow calloused to me and won't want a relationship with me when they are old enough to decide. If I don't nurture the relationships with my friends by being there in the good and the bad, they won't be there for me in the good and the bad. 2) Even if that was to be so, it wouldn't make it untrue. He was a wonderful husband and, if at one point he wasn't, I would be grateful he was at some point in our lives. The thought crosses my mind more for what others tell me than what I fear. The only thing I fear is that I don't love him as well as he loves me, and that is not a bad place to be. I want to be in that place with Jesus and have an urge in me to love Him as well as I can all the days of my life. I want to need to love others more and better each day that goes by. Some days I succeed. Most days I fail; but, as long as I keep trying and breathing, today I can do better.

We will be celebrating our 7th anniversary next month. I can't believe we have been through so much in such a short time. Times are still unstable for us. We still don't have jobs in Panama, and we are making ends meet in a day-to-day basis. My friend Tito, who visited us last week, asked what was a material thing I desired. When I pondered on the question I answered: "nothing." When my husband starts feeling down because he can't shower us with material possessions, I remind him how I wouldn't trade all the riches in the world for the love I get from him. He is, and ladies remind your own husbands of this, the best love in this earthly life.

Dear Emmalee and Kaylee, choose your husband well!

Dear Emmalee and Kaylee,

My sweet girls, yesterday I was praying for the men that will be your future husbands. As I prayed for the qualities I wanted in these men, I realized your father checks every box, so I wanted to tell you what I have with your father. You see, my sweet darlings, I don't know if I'll be here when you are old enough to start having romantic feelings. I pray you can be like me and wait until you are old enough to open your heart to someone else. During your teenager years you will think you have intense feelings for a guy and think he is "the right one." Please wait until you are at least 20 to make this judgment. I am so glad I did, and I am sure you would too. If I would have ended with the guy I thought was "the one" in my youth, this letter would be a lot different.
Because your father is the only man I have ever been with (I mean the guy was my first kiss when I was 21 years old), I don't know what it's like to have a bad relationship.
I don't know what it's like to have a guy break my heart. I know what it's like to have a guy know what he wants and be willing to do whatever it takes to get that girl. Your father waited almost three years for me. I'm not saying make a guy wait that long, but make him work for you. You will know you are valued. I don't know what it's like to have a guy break up with me, be unsure of "where this is going", ask for space, or think we need to see other people. Your father had only eyes for me. He was 19 when he told his father he was going to marry me, worked the next years towards that, and married me when he was 22.
I don't know what it's like to be on an estranged relationship where we don't care of the other's interest or are not engaged in what happens in our lives. Your father wants me to go everywhere with him: to the stadium, even out with his guy friends. He always wants me there with him because he says he enjoys it more with my company.
I don't know what it's like to have a man treat me with harshness or coldness. Your father is the most loving, caring, sweet man in the world to me. He makes sure I know how beautiful I am to him everyday, even though I am bald and breastless and definitely look sick and tired. Your dad has the greastest heart of a servant. He will wake up every day at 3 am to massage my legs and back if I am in pain, just the same way he did when I was pregnant with you, Emmalee, and you, Kaylee.
I know what it's like to have a man that takes my hand when I am scared and tell me everything is going to be alright, hold me in his arms when I can't sleep and wake him up for this sole reason.
I know what it's like to have a man that will pray for me. When things get tough, your dad's first reaction is to start praying. He begins every prayer by thanking God for this day. I love that about him.
I don't know what's it's like to have a man not be an active participant in everything that happens to this family. Your father didn't leave the wedding to me. He wanted to be a part in choosing the decorations and helping me make them. He was involved in my pregnancies, going to every appointment, touching my belly to feel you move, making me feel like a fool because only he could make you out in the ultrasound. He was being active in choosing your crib, clothes, and decorations. He is the most loving father to you, girls. He is involved in your discipline and your upraising. He has watched every Peppa Pig and Pocoyo episode available with you.
Sweet girls, please make sure you choose a man who is just as great as your dad. Make sure whichever man wants to date you comes get your father's permission first. And if your father doesn't deem this young man worthy, wait until this man makes himself worthy before your dad's eyes or walk away. Trust me girls, your dad will have your best interest, and he will know best. It is why God gave you such a father.
I hope you wait and live your lives like I did, never knowing what it's like to have a guy treat you with disrespect or diminishing you. Your father has always treated me with kindness, respect, and patience. He puts my needs before his and has never demanded anything from me. You see, my sweet girls, marriage's purpose is to show God's glorious relationship between Him, the groom, and the church, His bride to this world. When I was a newly wed, this is what impressed me the most: that your father's love for me made me aware of God's inconditional love for me by the mercy He had for me in giving me such a man.
Make sure you find this kind of love and this kind of man.
I will always be there with you, no matter what happens. Remember that mommy doesn't want you to settle for anything greater than the love she and daddy have. I love you my girls.

Dear Emmalee,
My gorgeous, brilliant girl, how did you grow so amazing?
You are my personal nurse, and I could have not asked for a better carer.
You come to me every morning asking if I want my meds, and you give them to me sorted from biggest to smallest. If anyone is talking too loudly or making noise, you make sure to shush them and tell them mommy has a headache. You are so considerate to me.
I am dazzled by your intelligence. Everytime grandpa Edgardo comes to visit he asks for a kiss, to which you always reply "later." You are not fond of kissing grandpa Edgardo's bearded face. Last time he came to visit he asked you if you wanted him to give you a small guitar. You jumped in joy and said "yes." He then told you he would give it to you later. You asked why, and he said that is what you always tell him. We all thought you wouldn't understand what he was talking about and that he was joking. You immediately stood up and kissed him. We had such a good laugh.
You have the most amazing vocabulary for a three year old, even in English. Your phonics is shear perfection.
You have grown to be such a great big sister. You are always taking care of your sister and don't mind when she copies everything you do. You just have fun with her. You teach her to get off the street when a car comes through. You grab her hand and bring her back when she won't hear mom.
You love to sing and have learned so many songs you'd embarass any child in a nursery.
You want me to watch you do everything you do: ride your bike, play on the ipad, take a bath, brush your teeth, put your clothes on or off, draw or color. It's all "look at me, mom, look at me." I love it. You only ask that to me.
You love making new friends and are quick to start playing with new kids.
You love your grandma Linda so dearly. Last time I allowed you to get in bed with me because you had been sick all day. When you woke up in the middle of the night, I started caressing your hair and telling you to go to bed. You thought I was your grandma Linda and said "Grandma Linda, you came back from Panama." It was so endearing that you miss my mom that badly.
You are all about moving to Panama. "When are we going to Panama? Are you better to go to Panama?" You just dream of Panama. Soon, my sweetheart, soon.
I love you, beautiful. When I ask why you are so beautiful, you say "Because I am Emmalee."
So cute. When asked what is your name you say "Emmalee Zelaya Ulloga Maradiaga." That last one was your grandma's doing. She wants you to carry her name. She is trying to steal my spot in your heart. You are much too clever for us. Grandma taught you to point at her when she asked "Who is your love?" When mommy asked you pointed at me too. So I asked who was your first love. You said "Both." Clever, clever girl.
I love you forever.

Dear Kaylee,
Oh my sweet, sweet girl.
Thank you for craving mommy's touch and arms above all else's, even though mommy has been spending such little time with you. I love watching you grow, but you are growing so fast. You and your sister are already wearing the same shoe size. I didn't believe it until your father put your foot and Emmalee's against each other.
You have a better grasp at sharing than your sister, since you've had to share since you were born. However, you have become very possessive with your quilt. You know how I always call you my little Linus. Well, now you definitely are.
You are struggling with your terrible twos, and daddy has had to give you plenty of discipline.
I have seen it is having a positive effect as your are learning to be more obedient.
You still are my audicious, intrepid little monkey. You are specially fearless in water, contrary to your sister. You just love taking baths. If you see mom or dad, or anyone for that matter, taking a shower, you start taking your clothes off. Emmalee still doesn't know how to take her shirt off, but you don't let anything keep you from crashing a shower.
We were visiting some friends the other day and the couple's teenager daughters were looking after you and Emmalee. One of the girls came down stairs to tell me one of my daughters had seen the bathtub and was taking her clothes off saying "bath! bath!". I immediately knew she meant you. We couldn't dissuade you from the bath, and you ended up splashing in a stranger's bath.
It was so funny.
You love to go everywhere with your sister. If you want to go outside, you start calling out loud "Malee! Malee!" until your sister agrees to go with you or you stay with her in the same room. I love it when you play hand in hand. I've only been able to record you playing that way once. You two always stop whatever you are doing when I get the ipad or phone out. You kill me!
I've been trying to record you singing your favorite song "Elefante" (whose real name is "Paradise" from Cold Play). You call it that way because of the music video. So far you've stopped singing the moment I try to record and have left me frustrated in my attempt. You really like Cold Play, by the way. Only you are a two year old with a favorite music band.
I love that your animal sounds are so accurate. Your dad can't help laughing out loud when you are asked to do a chicken and you make a rooster sound, complete with the raising of the head to finish the last "cuckoo doodle doo." It is super hilarious. Your monkey sounds are spot on, but you love making an elephant sound, even though you barely can.
Your latest obsession is elephants. You want to look at elephants in books, in songs, in movies, everything. I've been wanting to get you a stuffed elephant, but we are moving to Panama soon and it is not logical to get more things since we need to actually get rid of everything. You finally payed attention to a small stuffed elephant from your baby swing, but your best pal since your Toy Story Jessie doll lost her head is a small basset hound plushie that actually belongs to me. You take him everywhere, making me very nervous because I still view that dog as mine. We make sure not to lose it as you ask for it to go to bed. I can only imagine the disaster not knowing where that dog is would be during your bedtime.
I love you forever.

Love you, my girls.
Yours, Mommy.

Negativity: sick and tired of being sick and tired

In past posts, I´ve wondered and questioned if I´m suited for a big family. My health is very fragile and, more than often, my strengths abandon me.
My negativity levels this past week have scalated higher than I had allowed them to in more than two years. More than two years ago I discovered the healing, magical, happiness-inducing power of gratitude. Gratitude had saved my life (without exaggerating). What happened?

Some people question the reasons why I write. To me it´s clear: I write because I forget. I write because it gives/keeps me focus. I would more question the publishing than the writing, but I  share because somehow some people appreciate knowing they´re not the only ones going through the same things.

I haven´t been here in a whole while. I even missed Emmalee´s Letter for when she turned eight  months. She is already nine months and I haven´t done that letter either or her monthly photoshoot.

I´ve been very sick. Yesterday was the first night I slept in three weeks. This has made me really tired. I didn´t go to work last friday because I just couldn´t move anymore. I thought a three day weekend spent in recuperation and resting would do the trick. It didn´t.

I am beyond blessed for the wonderful God I have and the wonderful husband He gave me. I woke up in the middle of the night with a mega allergy attack with my eyes swollen, a sore throat, a congested nose, a huge headache, and body ache and I burst out in tears. It didn´t matter that Emmalee was sleeping next to me because she woke up in the middle of the night and I brought her to my bed to feed her. "The baby can feel your sorrow and it will affect her," my husband says, trying to get me to get a grip. My sobbing just became louder. He picks up the baby and takes her to her room. "You have to control yourself. Crying will only make you cough more and worsen your headache," he keeps trying to console me.
"I just had enough! Why does everything have to go wrong all the time?" I exclaim.
"What is this everything that has gone wrong?" He asks.
"Everything!" my childish self keeps exclaiming. "My health only worsens. Me being sick only makes our already growing bills grow more. I can´t seem to do anything right. Nothing ever goes right!"
"Are you sure about that?" his voice always soft tells me, "Do you not have a roof over your head, a job, food on your belly, a daughter and a husband still breathing, a life in your womb still growing, the love and strength of a Savior?"
Remember the post I wrote some time ago where I wrote how my husband never knew what to say?Thank God that is not nearly the case anymore. He is so wise and knows exactly how to bring me back to the ground.
GRATITUDE! You forgot to be grateful and that made you have your sight only on the bad things. Let me tell you, when the bad is all you see, it´s all you feel. and that is Satan at his best work.

One of the things I pray the most is for God to be my strength. I pray this alot because I am so weak. But how will God be my strength if my prayer is not accompanied by gratitude?

Philippians 4:6-7 Be anxious for nothing, but in everything by prayer and supplication, with thanksgiving, let your requests be made known to God; and the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding, will guard your hearts and minds through Christ Jesus.

And if I´m honest I haven´t even been praying for Him to be my strength either. No wonder I questions if I can do this. I most certainly can´t.
I´ve been failing as a wife and as a mother not because I´m sick and unable to do alot, but because
I´ve been carnal and not seeking the Lord and His strength and rest.
He is my restorer! Whom else will I turn to!

Dear God,
Sorry for forgetting. Sorry for my sinful nature to gaze into the storm and lose my sight of my Saviour right in front of me.  Help me Father to be grateful always. Thank You for my loving husband. Thank you for my wonderful baby girl.  Thank you for the blessing in my womb. Let me be grateul and joyful for the lot you have given  me.  Thank you because I´m starting to feel better. I love you, Jesus. Always

What kind of man

I didn't know at the time I married my husband the kind of man he is.

You can't know. You can see how he is with his family, his friends, and as a boyfriend. 

You can see how he is in his endeavours. You can see how he is in his likes and dislikes, hobbies, and the things he treasures. But you can't know what kind of man he is. 

You learn what kind of man a man is in hardship. God knows this and this is why He passes us through tests of fire that refine our hearts. 

I didn't know at the time just how incredibly amazing my husband would turn out.

I was once advising two sixth grade students of mine that had spoken ill (pretty badly) of the girl they liked and I asked them what kind of man they wanted to be. I remember telling them the kind of man they become depends on the decisions they make each day. A husband does not marry his wife thinking he'll cheat on her one day. A father does not have a family thinking he'll one day leave them for another woman. These things happen because they made decisions that turned them into the kind of man little boys loathe. I told them that if they wanted to be the kind of man that gave God glory they had to chose to obey Him and give Him glory with every little thing they did. I told them a man that does not respect her classmate can grow to be the kind of man that disrespects his wife. A man that hits his classmates can grow to be the kind of man that hits woman.  A man that lies to his teacher can grow to be the kind of man that makes a dishonest and illegal living. Every decision was shaping the kind of man they'd be and I wanted them to be the kind of man girls dream of. I remember the talk having an impact on them and they still write to let me know of the man they're becoming. 

I've seen friends married to authorative husbands, lazy husbands, unattentive husbands, husbands who prefer to be out of the house til late hours, husbands who would rather go out without the wife, husbands who are unkind and harsh, husbands that put work first than family, husbands who put church first than family, husband who look at other women or cheat, husband who leave them, husbands who put money and security before starting a family, husbands that don't want children, husbands whose love depends on your looks. None of my friends married their husband thinking they'd get that kind of man.

My husband has servant, selfless heart. He is loving and caring and he makes sure I feel happy and cared for. He loves to go out with me and wants to take me wherever he goes. He would rather stay home with me if I can't go out and does so happily. Even after hard work, he comes home and cares for his sick wife, helps her with dinner, and gives her massages and kisses. My husband is the most patient man in the world bearing his choleric wife. Family is the most important thing for him and he makes his wife become more family oriented by making her spend time with his family and even with her own family. He makes his wife be more attentive of relatives birthdays and celebrations and call them more often. My husband has only eyes for me; he won't be in a room alone with another woman by personal conviction. After the changes my body suffered after the pregnancy, he still looks at me with lovey-dovey eyes, tells me I'm beautiful every morning, and tells me I'm the woman his heart desires. He wakes up early to care for the baby's first waketime so I might have more sleep time. His daughter and his wife are constantly on his mouth when he's with his friends and classmates. He runs to help anyone who needs his help. He reads us the Bible every night after Emmalee's bath. He is always willing to help with Emmalee. He calls me everyday just to ask me how I'm doing and say "I love you." His first reaction when faced with trials is bow in prayer. He fasts for his wife's feeble health. He is not afraid to pursue the dream of a big family. He is a hard worker, punctual, and responsible.

I love my husband. I thank the Lord for the man he is and that he is the man I have. I pray I can be his help meet to help him grow more into that kind of man that gives God glory with his life and pray I don't stray him from that path.
I am a lucky, lucky girl. I won the lottery of life with such a husband.
I am grateful beyond words for him.

Lord,
Help me remember to treasure him for he is the kind of man you gave me and he is wonderful.

My man is also a great photographer!

Hubby turned 24!

What a lovely weekend I enjoyed. My darling husband turned 24. Yes, you heard me correctly, 24. It actually sounds a lot better than 23. A couple of weeks ago I had to take him to the emergency room because of a strong stomachache. The nurse took him in while I gave the receptionist his information. "23?" said the recepctionist a little stunned. "Yes, 23," said I, a little blushing. "23?" she asked again to make sure.

My husband was 22 when we got married and I was 24. I'm currently 26 and so happy he turned 24. People always comment that we got married really young. I agree with that opinion of him but not of me. I wish I would have married younger and ,by this time, I wish I'd have 2 kids at least. I'm learning to live by my haunting verse: "Be still and know that I am God." The "be still" is one of the hardest things for me. 

However, I'm happy I married at the age I did because if my wish of marrying younger had come true, I'd probably wouldn't be married to my husband. Maybe the man who would have been my husband would have also been wonderful, but when the Bible says you can't know the work God is doing, the Word, as for usual, is correct. And you wonder why God says "no" to the desires of your heart but, if He wills, He shows you why. So this gratitude Monday I'm especially grateful to the Lord for His timing and my beautiful husband. 

My husband is a mix of young and old. He is very old fashioned being very chivalrous and a family man. He is kind and respectful, not prone to arguing or discussing, always seeking peace and harmony. He is patient and loving, always seeking to help and serve, early riser. He is decorous, clean and organized; he is so correct he won't run a red light. He is young-minded in his food habits (that I intend to change no matter what) and his pastimes (which I indulge with his new bday gift gadget). He pouts if his soccer game is canceled or his soccer team looses, and murmurs for everything. Being a burly man, it amuses me when he bellows his cries of pain when he gets hurt or sick like a little baby. 

I love that he is mine and I am his. I love how much I learn from him and how we realize how much we have to learn still and learning it together. And as we wait for our new stage as parents (if God wills), I've learn to be still and enjoy the blessings God has bestowed on me through my husband.

Holy moly, my last gratitude post was last year! Unacceptable! 

*319 my wonderful husband turning 24

*320 a wonderful time celebrating alongside close friends and family

*321 a lovely backyard transformation perfect for a night in communion

*322 Adina's always willing helping hand

*323 Adina not killing us on her car

*324 dreams and plans for this new year

*325 the hubby's playstation 3. No, I can't afford it, Yes, the Lord provided even for this!

*326 last-last weekend serving at church band with jenny and sarai

*327 the Lord teaching me to fear Him

*328 having had my mom here in Honduras for more than a month

*329 the hardships and trials that will test and perfect my siblings

*340 my mom's foot still in recovery

*341 many unknown paths for my family being amazing opportunities to follow God

*342 You teaching pit and ditto hardwork, appretiation, gratitude, maturity and adulthood.

*343 being able to have sister moments with pit more often

*344 having a garage that fits 6 cars or more.

*345 Terry and Lanky "behaving" during the birthday party

*346 my cooking being to everyone's liking, including hard-to-please Johnny

*347 delicious cheesecake I'm tempted to make again just for the two of us

*348 remembering I can't indulge a sweettooth because the hubby and I are doing a 30 day fitness challenge

*349 enjoying good health and a burst of unexpected strength

*350 back to the gym!

*351 having christian coworkers!

*352 taking a good decision when being tempted

*353 the dogs learning fetch

I could go on to make up for the countless things I should have been writing this past mondays, but the wonderful thing about doing this on monday is that it give monday a happy blessed feel instead of the just-started-another-grueling-week. :) And after making the list, I definitely begin the weak strong feeling so blessed and uplifted. 

Thank You Lord because it is because of your countless mercy and love.

Love ya!

Learning what women need is not what they want!

James 1
¹⁹ My dear brothers and sisters, take note of this: Everyone should be quick to listen, slow to speak and slow to become angry,²⁰ because human anger does not produce the righteousness that God desires.
²² Do not merely listen to the word, and so deceive yourselves.

Dear Father,

How wonderful Your mercy is over me. How is it possible I have found myself ever murmuring about my life? I have such a wonderful husband. I often (am stopping right now!) remark to my husband how he doesn't understand women! You see, the only man in my family was my brother. He understands women pretty well. He knows when he should say something to me and when he should not. He knows when I'm in my "emotional days" and how to respond accordingly. He knows that if I am sad, he has to make me laugh. He knows if I am angry, he must talk to me to calm me down. He grew up with his mother, his two sisters and Sarita. Even Fumoffu, our doy, is a she! So, I can see where the practice came.

My husband grew up with his father, his two brothers, and the only female in his house, his mother. So, with that only woman-close encounter, my poor husband strives to understand his wife.
James 1
 ²⁶ Those who consider themselves religious and yet do not keep a tight rein on their tongues deceive themselves, and their religion is worthless.
My mother-in-law is a woman who keeps a rein over her tongue. Luckily for my husband, that is the kind of woman he grew up with. Boy, what a surprise for him to realize not all of us are that way. And very surprising since my mother in law has a very strong character (you can really the work You have done in her. Amazing!).

It was a surprise for me too: my husband does not know how to react to his wife's crazyness (men affirm women are crazy; I totally back them up!) My husband doesn't know when to say something to me and when he should not. If I am sad, he sits quietly beside me and holds me. If I am angry, he sits quietly beside me, waiting for it to pass. If I am in my "emotional days", he has this bewildered, lost look on his face that drives me more emotional.

And I, more than anyone, has tons to learn. You see, I don't like to be held when crying because it makes me feel vulnerable. I am of strong character too so you must realize I am already feeling uncomfortable with myself for being so weak and sensitive. I don't like to sit in silence when I am angry because I have so many thoughts going through my head at once I feel I am going to explode in more anger. I don't like it when my husband admonishes me for something right that same instance because it hurts my pride to face my sin immediately.

And I tell him: "honey, if I am angry, please don't sit there quietly. Say something. Honey, if I am sad, please don't touch me. Honey, please don't tell me my wrongs right that instance; find a more suitable time (as if there were.)." And I always end up with: "You don't understand women!" So what happens now is: when I am angry, what he says ends up getting me more wind up. If I am sad, I sit there wishing he would hold me (women!). If he doesnt call out my sins, I tell him he is not helping me be a better person. (You readers must feel very bad for my husband right now)

Poor husband of mine who has had to stand almost all his first year of marriage a wife not spending enough time in the Word to realize what she is realizing now. Again, I give You thanks Father for Your mercy and the fact that it is never too late. I realize now You gave me the man I needed. My brother understood his sisters well enough to keep their crazy womenness checked. My husband wants more than that for me and his love is greater. (I am filled with tears right now humbled of realizing who great my husband's love for me is). Why have I been changing what my husband does for me instead of changing myself, who was really the one who had to change! Instead of learning to control my mind and tongue! Instead of learning to crush my pride! Instead of learning and focusing on what I should do for him, not the other way around!

How amazing You and Your Word are to me, Father. I am delighting in the change of heart You are doing in me. I really want to be a godly wife for my husband and I want to strive to understand him and to make it easier for him to understand me (Because up till now, I have only been contradicting myself. Poor man, how is he going to understand? lol). I remember reading a marriage-counseling book and it said something very interesting: "Don't wait for man to know or guess what you are thinking," I found it interesting because we really do expect that. I guess it is because between women we can expect that; I can always know what my mom or my sis are thinking about. And maybe my brother can too because of all we have lived together. I guess there will be a day when my husband will understand me better, but it will be day when his wife takes heed of this:
James 1
²⁰ because human anger does not produce the righteousness that God desires. ²¹ Therefore, get rid of all moral filth and the evil that is so prevalent and humbly accept the word planted in you, which can save you.

Lord, I pray Thee for a new heart. A woman's heart according to the Lord's. Help me with my angry outburst, my womanly inconsistencies and contradictions, my hormonal emotions, and mainly my stinking pride. Make me self-controlled, peaceful, and ready to do good to everyone, especially her husband. Help me restored all the wrong I have done with changing the ways my husband reacts and follow his lead more closely.

I love you Father, today more than ever!