Learning on submission

I don't know about you, but I was fiercely taught my place in the family hierarchy. I am second. I am not the head. I do not rule myself. I am to submit. This is God's command to wives: submit to your husbands. 
And yet, I don't. Not always. 
If you haven't realized by now, I am a little obsessive compulsive, analytical person. I analyze everything. I am glad I do. I think when I do the Spirit in me is able to reveal much truth. This is the Christian's walk: the search for truth. When all is said and done, truth is what will set us free. I am grateful I can analyze my actions and find revelation in them to change my ways, surrender to the Lord, and seek His glory. It reminds me of Psalm 139:23

23 Search me, God, and know my heart;
    test me and know my anxious thoughts.
24 See if there is any offensive way in me,
    and lead me in the way everlasting.

I have found that I have been having trouble submitting to my husband because I have been resenting him. It is not hard for me to admit I do not submit to my husband. Just a few minutes with me will show you I am headstrong and independent. It is hard for me to accept I sometimes resent my husband. 
How can I admit that? Isn't admitting that chattering this image we try so hard to set of a great marriage? Very few wives will admit this, but all of my close friends that are married have expressed this same feeling to me. They resent their husbands for not being more helpful in the house, for not being more attentive or loving, for not allowing them to be stay-at-home wives, for not giving the green light for a new baby. These examples give birth to different levels of resentment, but they all pave a way for insubordination. 

Some wives' insubordination is rooted on their failed expectations of their husbands. We expected him to be stronger emotionally, physically, and spiritually. We expected him to be able to support the family financially on his own. We expected him to have perfect decision making skills, strong leadership, and a desire to spend his free time with the family. We expected him to be able to understand us. 
Men usually have the same complaint about their wives: They wish they were accepted and not feeling their wives want to change them. 

My insubordination has been rooted in me resenting him for our financial situation. As a couple we decided that I would work so that he could focus on graduating as soon as possible. Since he is studying an engineering career, working and studying would have taken forever to finish. We did that our first year of marriage and it was complete disaster. We worked non-stop and had very little time to ourselves or to rest. It took a toll on my health and my sanity. We decided I made enough money for our modest living so he could finish his career. Even with him just studying, we would go to bed late with his drawing assignments, calcutation assignments, or those all-nighters engineering careers are famous for. I never resented him for him not working because we lived comfortably and had more time to ourselves. I never felt I worked more than him. I always felt we both did our part equally. 

With two babies, though, things have changed. From our expenses to our living necesities, everything went to the roof, and I just couldn't keep the boat afloat on my own. He finishes his career next Moday. Completely finish. All he has to do is wait for him to defend his professional practice and graduate. 
He has been looking for a job. I don't know why my brain has interpret this as "not wanting to work."

"Of course he wants to work! He is up before you are bathed and clothed and packing YOUR meal. He is out all day giving out curriculums, sending emails, and visiting friends that might have a job lead. If he is not doing that, he is running errands, fixing the car, or caring for the baby that was sick this week and on time to pick you up from work" I had to tell my brain. I feel I had to tell my brain mainly because a lot of voices, unsolicited voices, have been weighing in on our financial situation. 

I promised "In riches and in need, in sickness and health" when I married him. I have always thought it is a blessing that we've struggled in the beginning of our marriage. Most people decide to get married when all their affairs are in place and they are in a stable place. This stability is not a promise of future stability. When that instability comes in the future, a lot of couples who have never experienced it and didn't know what "need" looked like do not make it through the rough patch. I, on the other hand, have been given the blessing and opportunity to honor my husband and look up to him and make him feel admired and honored, in tough times. 

I love to examine myself. It is the Christian practice rather than the more common practice of examining others. I have to redirect my thought to what God wants from me, to the appreiciation of all that my husband does, and to the beauty that will result from this tough time to keep my sinful, despicably human heart from unfairly resenting my husband and to falling into the horrible sin of insubordination this has brought forth as a result. 

Ladies, sometimes you might think you are in the right challenging your husbands' authority. You might even have a long list that "justifies" your challenging his authority or not submitting to him or resenting his ways. Maybe you need to examine your own hearts and not your husband's. God has so much truth for us there, under the light of His Word and the joy of communion with Him and a humble heart. 
We don't like to hear that if our husband is wrong we must keep submitting, and quietly nonetheless. 
In my case, I have believed in the Lord that He is our Jehova Yireh, the Lord provides. And my husband is doing what he can and even makes sure I get all the extra sleep I can at nights because 
I have to go to work. I have been sinning by not being submissive and by resenting him. Now that the Lord has lifted the veil of my sinful ways, I am making sure I make him feel appreciated, admired, and loved; and since I am aiming at making him feel that way, I am being submissive to him. I am learning submission has more to it than just obeying what he says and doing it with a quiet, gentle attitude, which is hard to do on its own, and I want to learn all that God has for me in this area.