That Kind of Night

I am having that kind of night; you know, the sleepless one where you lay in bed regretting something you said. The kind of night were you beat yourself up for those words that came out of your mouth even if you know that most likely the only conseuence to them is this self-beating. The kind of night where you find it hard to forgive your own flaws.
And thus I try to console myself with phrases like: "Jesus forgave you for this too, so you should too."
And I don't know if these words have validity or not, but I am finding no solace in them.
Neither am I finding any on the thought that what I said wasn't really bad. 
Then why is it disturbing me so?
Well, my soul wants me to find out in order to find rest in this kind of night.
It was a comment on another mother's choice.
I find myself complaining about how much it bothers me when strangers comment on my kid's appearance or behaviour, or the size of my belly, or anything parental related. 
I need to ask myself if it only rubs me the wrong way coming from strangers or coming from near ones as well?
My mind recalls of a time when Emmalee was two months old and my mom made a comment on a choice I made that hurt me so bad it caused us to have our only long distance fight. And it was an "innocent" comment. "Innocent" in the sense that it was said coming from a place of concern and love, but not from a place where it was well-thought before it was spoken, coming accross completely as it was not intended. I hate when that happens. 
I guess I can conclude that I would probably not complain of any opinions you have as me as a mother if you are not a stranger, but I would probably not have an easy time taking them either. 
Knowing firsthand what the road of motherhood looks like, I guess I understand why my heart is so upset that I was so unhampered and casual in casting an opinion of another mother's choice. 
It brings to mind the fact that the things we dislike from others is more often than not the things we dislike about ourselves. And if it is not, then it should.
it reminds me of Luke 6:41-42

41 And why beholdest thou the mote that is in thy brother’s eye, but perceivest not the beam that is in thine own eye?

42 Or how canst thou say to thy brother, ‘Brother, let me pull out the mote that is in thine eye,’ when thou thyself beholdest not the beam that is in thine own eye? Thou hypocrite! Cast out first the beam out of thine own eye, and then shalt thou see clearly to pull out the mote that is in thy brother’s eye.

Ouch! No wonder I am having that kind of night. Hypocrite? That is not something I want to be called. 
I guess thiese kinds of nights are not that bad afterall, if you are willing to examine your heart and bring it under God's mindset and will.
I find myself lately singing Emmalee to sleep to the Sonicflood song "Holiness."
The part of the song that says "brokenness, brokenness is what I long for" truly strikes a chord because I really do. And the chorus "Take my heart and form it, take my mind transform it, take my will conform it to Yours" is truly a prayer in my heart, even when I am singing it.
Sometimes He allows these kinds of nights for the purpose of making that chorus true in our hearts.

After writing this down I have to say, eventhough I have an early morning and Emmalee and the house under my sole care until noon, I am grateful I had this kind of night. I am grateful the Lord moves me to examine my heart and will not let me rest until I have. I am glad I am not someone who can feel she did something incorrect and just shake it off and swipe it under the rug. 

Thank You, Lord, for forever shaping me into Your image, even if it is a long road ahead. I love You for not forsaking me and for forgiving me and teaching me Your ways. Never stop teaching me!


Dear Kaylee, 33 weeks on the belly!

Sweet baby girl,
I've been thinking alot about you lately. We are expecting you in 36 days exactly.
Your grandma will be coming April 6th so please wait for her. 
We chose to have you on the 7th because it is mommy's favorite number and it has been meaningful in our lives. Your sister was born on the 17th. You were supposed to be coming that date also, but I am glad you are coming sooner. I can't wait to meet you.
It does not matter that I've done this before, I know that when I get to stare into your eyes, I will lose myself in them. Meeting you will be the one of the best things that happens to me,
Mommy loves you so much. I wake up at night searching your kicks on my belly and daydreaming about you. I am sure your sister will be happy for your arrival. She is going to be the best big sister ever. I pray that you two don't fight too much, that you can be best friends, that you will find in her a role model and a good counselor. Sisters are the best and it is a very cherished conexion. I am happy you two will be very close in age. Your sister Emmalee is so sweet and kind, so you have much you can learn from her already.
Baby girl, we were not expecting you so soon, but you were going to come when God wanted, and His will is done. 
His will is always done, baby girl, and it is always good. I pray you know this and cherish your Heavenly Father. We definitely cherish Him for bringing you into our lives and He was wise to bring you at this time.
Sweet girl, always be kind to others, honor your parents, love the Lord with all your heart. Never forget that you are wonderfully made. Everything about you is perfect and mommy wouldn't change a thing about you. Never let anyone make you feel bad about who you are; you tell them you were made by an amazing and genius Creator uniquely design inside your mommy. 
I want you to know that your daddy kisses you every morning. You have such a great dad. He cares very lovingly for your mommy while she carries you and for your sister. He is so prepared to care for you. He used to hold your newly-born sister with a tight grip scared he'd drop her. I hope we don't drop you from overconfidence. At least you are lucky your parents have learned from mistakes done by newly parents to your sister, although take into account she will have some benefits as the older sister for having had to be mommy and daddy's teacher. 
Your grandma Linda always requests to talk to you on skype. 
It's weird putting the ipad on the belly, but you, as your sister before you, kick when you listen to grandma Linda's voice. 
Your grandparents are helping prepare for your arrival. Grandma Linda bought you some baby gear including you car seat and I bet she will be showering you with more gifts. She can't help herself. I am so glad she will come to be mommy's support and strength so really wait for her please.
Grandpa Edgardo is working hard on your crib. He is the jack-of-all-trades your mom learned her autodidactic skills from. I will try to pass that on to you and your sister. 
Your grandpa Rodolfo was so grateful He got to feel you on my belly. I bet he almost got teary eyed. He only had boys so he is excited to have more girls to love. Your grandma Martha is preparing herself to care for you when mommy and daddy go to work. 
Like your sister, I wish you got to see your Aunt Lilly and Uncle Ditto more, but you will have Uncle Kris and Uncle Javi pampering you. Like mom and dad, they got to practice handling a baby with your sister. Uncle Kris even knows how to change diapers!
Baby girl, grow healthy and strong inside me. Feel mommy's love for you and how great  it is. 
We love you!