Of Anger and True Friends

I asked my beautiful friend Jenny to pray for my character area of anger. She told me to study Ecclesiastes 7:9.
Eclessiastes 7:9 
Do not be quickly provoked in your spirit,
for anger resides in the lap of fools.

Right on point!
Anger resides in the lap of fools. A fool I am.
Thank heavens, ,the Lord gives a way:
Jeremiah 17
14 Heal me, LORD, and I will be healed;
save me and I will be saved,
for you are the one I praise.

Indeed heal me, Father, from my foolishness. You can't be the one I praise while my anger displays my foolishness around.
I am not one to tackle the symptom but the cause. Lately, my anger has been uncontrolable and ever present.
I lash out my anger at work, at home, alone to my husband, my peers, my computer (mainly), even politcs, myself through my grimace, my tone, my words, my actions and reactions, facebook.
I get angry at every little thing that doesn't go the way I want it: the computer program doesn't do what I programmed it to do, the meal didn't come out as I planned it, the tv or videogame doesn't work, the house isn't as clean and organized as I wanted it, the husband doesn't do things as swift as I think he should, the traffic didn't move as quickly as I had hoped, I'm not as lean as I wish I were, I didn't rest as much as I needed.. The list could go on.

"Little things." Seriously, they are and my mind knows it.
With the issues my family and I have been dealing this the past months, this is nothing.
Why am I so angry?
Jeremiah 17
9 The heart is deceitful above all things
and beyond cure.
Who can understand it?
10 “I the LORD search the heart
and examine the mind,
to reward each person according to their conduct,
according to what their deeds deserve.”

I am before You, God, asking You to reveal what is in my heart and examine my mind.
Tell me, Lord, the cause of my anger.
This little things turn me mad in the split of a second.
I haven't realized I'm angry when my tone already changed to exasperation and meanness.
I can even feel it move from my heart to my fingers, all the way down to my toes.
I try to fight it.
I hear my mind tell my heart to calm down, yet my heart already told my fist to clinch.
It's a disease in my heart that has infected my body.
I do feel it beyond cure.
What is causing it?
I shameful acknowledge I am known for being short-tempered, but not to this extent and for this reasons.

Today my beautiful daughter, Adina, sweetly admonished me for my anger lashing on facebook towards our government authorities and the desicions they take that really make our life worse. Corrupted and injust as they might be, I am still commanded to honor them.
I am not used to having friends willing to help me grow in the character areas where I'm lacking.
I wish I had more willing friends to confront this scaring angry girl.
I'm glad I have her in my life willing to give me Word and correction.
I have been pondering on my anger outbreaks (specially since my computer is going nuts) and keeping them checked.
I decided that listening to Jon Foreman's soothing and edifying song would help on the task.
As I heard Baptize my mind, I prayed the lyrics for myself and wrote them on my facebook status:
"Baptize my mind. For this seeds to give birth to life, first they must die."
I really prayed "God, help me just die to myself."
A little later, I snide commented on a status talking about the wonderful job our politics are doing with the city's streets and the traffic problem. (Linda, if you ought to grow on anger control, be rid of sarcasm :P)
This is what she wrote: (Bear in mind that she sent this via text message. How loving of her to take the time.)

" 'My dear friends, don't let public opinion influence how you live out our glorious, Christ.originated faith. Listen, dear friends. Isn't it clear by now that God operates quite differently? He chose the world's down.and.out as the kingdom's first citizens, with full rights and privileges. This kingdom is promised to anyone who love God. Dear friends, do you think you'll get anywhere in this if you learn all the right words but never do anything? Does merely talking about faith indicate that a person really has it? For instance, you come upon an old friend dressed in ragas and half-starved and say 'Good morning, friend! Be clothed in Christ! Be filled with the Holy Spirit!' and walk off without providing so much as a coat or a cup of soup. Where does that get you? Isn't it obvious that God talk without God-acts is outrageous nonsense? Do I hear you professing to believe in the one and only God, but then observe you complacently sitting back as if you had done something wonderful? That's just great. Demons do that, but what good does it do them?' (James2:1-5, 14-17,19 MSG)'
We can't say: "God, baptize my mind" and at the same time say otherwise. I'm sorry if I'm harsh, but Linds, know I love you and I also wish to grow on this area."

(This was sent at 12:45 am. First thing in the morning. :P Am I blessed or am I blessed?)

Oh, how she gets me! :)
My anger felt a hard blow to the core with this text message. My anger? My pride? Same thing.
And how transforming her words and Your Word!
I just hope their effect is not short-lived but a permanent impact.

Jeremiah 17
5 This is what the LORD says:
“Cursed is the one who trusts in man,
who draws strength from mere flesh
and whose heart turns away from the LORD.

7 “But blessed is the one who trusts in the LORD,
whose confidence is in him.
8 They will be like a tree planted by the water
that sends out its roots by the stream.
It does not fear when heat comes;
its leaves are always green.
It has no worries in a year of drought
and never fails to bear fruit.”

Adina and Jenny as bridesmaids at my wedding. Always there beside me :)

I'm an overanalyzer.
There must be a reason for me being so vulnerable to anger beyond things not going how I want them.
I confess I've even considered my hypothyroidism having a hand at this. I haven't gotten checked in almost a year and I should have gone 5 months ago!
I have been feeling it's symptoms surging and I must take action.
But I refuse to believe the cure to my heart is none other than God.
Here's my prescription from my true Healer then:
Half hour of prayer and meditation in the morning and an hour of prayer and thankfulness in the evening.
Higher dosage of Word study and memorization. Three to four chapters of reading a day and five verse memorization a week.
Asking friends to pray for me and call me out on my foolishness.
More christian music listening while at work!

Dear Father,
I'm sorry for my behaviour. I am sorry I have anger issues. I am grateful for them for I believe Your Word when You say that when I am weak, You are strong.
Thank You for my Adina and Jenny and many other wonderful friends. Thank You mainly for my husband and all the patience and love You bestow on him. Might I learn to honor with my eyes on You and let my anger pass over without sinning. May I also learn forgiveness for it is the counterpart of anger. Give me the capacity to let it go and to seek harmony, love, and compassion. Help me pursuit You way instead of the me, me, me pursuit. Whenever the "I wanted this like this" thought come to mind, remind me the right though is "Did I do it or did it turn out the way You wanted it. Thank You for Your mercy, grace,and love. You are forever wonderful!

I love You. Amen.


Blessed are those who mourn

This is a very hard gratitude monday.
My country, my family, my church were struck with horrible loss.
A fire on a town's prison causing the horrid death of more than 350 people, including a close relative of my mom's and my family. Another fire causing the loss of a whole marketplace and thousands of families' incomes. The untimely death of the brother of a beloved friend at the hands of vicious killers. All in one week!
It's been a week of crying and, for me, a search for the "why", how to understand, how to comfort.
Yesterday at the funeral of my friend's brother, all I could bring myself to tell him was: "We don't know why. We might never know. But God is powerful to comfort and console". I shared the next psalm with him:

Psalms 40:17
But I am poor and needy; yet the Lord thinketh upon me: thou art my help and my deliverer; make no tarrying, O my God.

"The Lord thinks of me." Those words resonate over and over. I'm grateful for this. My friend could only convey his pain in moans and speak of how alone he will now be with the absence of his brother. I began feeling dismay when I looked around and saw all the people coming to be at his side. "Even at times like this you can find reasons to be grateful," I thought to myself.
There are things I fear with all my heart. Will I be able to be grateful even at times like this if my fears were to come true? Would I be able to raise my head and see God's blessing in time of strenouos pain? Would I be grateful that in my affliction Jehova is thinking of me? Will I ask Him to comfort me and say "He giveth, He takes. Blessed is His name"? Or will I be filled with anger for the lot He gave me?

When peace, like a river, attendeth my way,
When sorrows like sea billows roll;
Whatever my lot, Thou has taught me to say,
It is well, it is well, with my soul.

It is well, with my soul,
It is well, it is well, with my soul.

Though Satan should buffet, though trials should come,
Let this blest assurance control,
That Christ has regarded my helpless estate,
And hath shed His own blood for my soul.

My sin, oh, the bliss of this glorious thought!
My sin, not in part but the whole,
Is nailed to the cross, and I bear it no more,
Praise the Lord, praise the Lord, O my soul!

For me, be it Christ, be it Christ hence to live:
If Jordan above me shall roll,
No pang shall be mine, for in death as in life
Thou wilt whisper Thy peace to my soul.

But, Lord, ’tis for Thee, for Thy coming we wait,
The sky, not the grave, is our goal;
Oh, trump of the angel! Oh, voice of the Lord!

Blessed hope, blessed rest of my soul!And Lord, haste the day when my faith shall be sight,
The clouds be rolled back as a scroll;
The trump shall resound, and the Lord shall descend,
Even so, it is well with my soul.
A friend of mine once shared that the author of this song had just lost all his family to a shipwreck or a disease on a ship, I think. After he heard of his family's death, he wrote this song. This is my desire, Father.
So! No hard gratitude monday. A joyful gratitude monday because the Lord is great and has done great things among us.
Mathew 5:4
4 Blessed are those who mourn,
   for they will be comforted.

I do wonder what is happening in my country for all this tragedy. We must turn our hearts to God. We must leave our sinful ways to follow You. Move my country into seeking You and use me for that purpose!

*377 We are blessed when in tears.
*378 The Lord thinks of us
*379 A country needing to turn to God
*380 Amazing leaders from whom to learn from
*381 Being given the grace to serve inspite of my sin
*382 A test to learn self-control
*383 We can comfort because we are comforted
*384 Learning money management
*385 Sewing lessons and awesome time with Izell
*386 Our first skirt! Good for dolls because we did them on scale.
*387 The gift of singing
*388 The test to wait and be still.
*389 Friends and family joining me in prayer for a baby

Love You, Jesus!


Praying for waiting

Every good deed is contagious. No doubt. Since the Prayer Friday my darling Adina started, I've felt like praying more and more.
I'll cross my fingers and hope that I have been infecting others with a grateful heart. The thing is that I am constantly contaging myself with gratitude, because it is easily "cured."

Dear God,
Today when I went to the bathroom in the morning, my body announced me I was not pregnant. I have to confess my heart was broken. Right this moment I feel teary-eyed and still a little disappointed. I'll be sure to say thank You for Your decision during these days and share it on Gratitude Monday. I know prayer includes saying thanks and not only asking, but I do want to ask You right now to guard my heart. Help me be still and learn that You are God and YOUR will WILL be done. Help me accept Your will happily and hopeful for it is good and perfect. Let my joy be known and my face be uplifted because my faith is on my King. May I trust You with no second doubts or questionings. Please comfort my heart. Before going to bed I would pray: "Give me a child I can devote to You. Give me a David or a Samuel." This is and will be my prayer; I was just really really hopeful this was my month. Feelings of fear do fill me from time to time. I get scared, Father. Please comfort my heart and appease my mind. 
I want to thank You, Father, for the example you have given me and my husband through my father and my father-in-law. They are both hard working man who when faced with hard economical times use their wit, resourcefulness, and diligence to provide for their family. They have been having some hard past years (the whole country has!), but they keep striving and trying. They are both beginning a new venture and I pray You bless them and help them gain the means to keep on being great family heads.
Please help my my mom, brother, and sister on their new life ventures living separate from each other, alone, and on their own in different countries! Help them consider it pure joy when faced with many trials, knowing that the testing of their faith produces perseverance, and let perseverance finish its work so that they may be mature and complete, not lacking anything.
I pray I might see a need and fill a need. May I not live my days for myself and seeking my own. Might I be Your hands and feet. Might I always shout how grateful I am for You in my life.

Love You Lord. 


A Thing between God and me

Have you ever gone through heart break?
I never considered myself a hopeless romantic, but after what I'm about to write I am sure I'll be considered one.
I fell "in love" for the first time when I was 14 yrs old. The guy was a very close and dear friend. At first, I remember I use to dislike him because all the other girls thought he was "all that!" and I was a very against-the-flow kind of girl; but as I got know him and got to know the heart he had for God, I fell for him too. The difference was other girls were infatuated with his man's man pressence, and I fell hard for his heart.

Our church forbids dating and he was in line to become a youth leader. I kept my feelings to myself and tried my best to be a good friend to him. When he confessed his feelings to me, I knew the church wouldn't allow us to continue to be friends because of the temptation our friendship represented. And so, for almost 10 yrs, he barely spoke to me again.
This is a guy I had never even given him a hug or a farewall kiss on the cheek. We never had any sort of relationship or interactions out of the norm of a friendship. He was a radical Christian who would admonish me if I listen to non-christian music. Eventhough literally nothing happen between us, I was heartbroken. To have someone who was very dear to you just plain and simple never talk to you again, to lose that dear friendship, and also to have your dreams shattered is very painful. I can think of a couple of friends of mine who can relate.

Heartbreak is a hard thing to deal with when you are a teenager. You feel everything out of proportion. I think I cried more for this heartbreak than for the one when my parents got divorced. But this time it was very different. During this heartbreak I knew God.

During the first days, weeks, and months of this heartbreak, I would tell my close girlfriends how I was feeling, cry with them, sulk, talk about him for hours reminiscing. And I noticed my girlfriends where getting a little tired of the same conversation over and over again, but I wanted to keep telling it over and over again. Time does not heal wounds. I think what happens is that you get use to them and their pain, so you learn to live with it. And although time passed, I was still heartbroken. I would see him avoiding me all the time, see him change his friends or his hanging out with our mutual friends so as to not coincide. I would see him grow as a person and a christian and realize I was not a part of his life. That was whole new brand of pain I was not used to.

I remember I would find joy on what I came to call "relationship crumbs," tiny glimpses of interactions like him saying hi because we were serving in the church band together or having to sit next to each other because the chair next to me was the only one empty and he couldn't avoid it. And this crumbs that got my hopes up would also create other brands of pain over and over again.  

And for more days, weeks, and months and this new pain surging, I would seek comfort from friends, false hopes, and even anger and hatred towards him. 
Why am I being so open and honest with this post? It's come to my attention I'm not alone. Many people of many ages go through the same thing, but this is a great opportunity. I would even call it the best thing that ever happened to me. This is not something you cure with pills or therapy; it's not something that goes away after hearing counsel or words of wisdoem. As Jesus once told his disciples, this only goes away with hard praying and fasting, but it needs an extra ingredient: a new love.

"Best thing that ever happened to you?" you may ask. "She doesn't know my kind of heartbreak then" you might reply.
Quoting Charles Dickens, "It was the best of times. It was the worst of times." This kind of pain can't be shared with other people. You might have really good friends but you get tiring and selfish and selfcentered. There is only one Who can stand by your side. You got it! Jesus!

It was about that time that I started journaling. I would pretty much write down every feeling, every thought, every impression, every hope and expectation, every dream and desperation, EVERYTHING and say it to God. Journaling revealed hidden treasures. When I began an entry, I would begin pouring out my heart. If I was feeling desolate and in despair, I would then turn to write of what He says in His Word of what I was feeling (this meant I spent alot of time in His Word beforehand). I kept on writing things like"Yes, I know Your Word says Your are always by me and never forsake me, but I do feel alone. And yes, I know I must seek first the kingdom of God but that doesn't mean I don't have feelings!" And as the entry progressed, I somehow felt uplifted and encouraged. "Oh Lord, teach me to trust You wholeheartedly. Thank You because You always listen and I can comfort because I am comforted by the King. Today a friend was in need of comfort and I was too engulfed on my own need to notice. Tomorrow I'll go share of this comfort Your love has given me." The hidden treasure on journaling was the written evidence of a transformed heart by God. At times I would read old entries and wonder "Did I write that?" and I was pretty sure I hadn't. I had only been the hand; God had spoken and comforted me. Those were even greater treasures. But those treasures are a Thing between God and me.

I would cry a lot in secret and silence where only God knew I had and I only told him why. I stopped publicizing my pain and just kept it between us. I would stay up all night just praying and begging Him to make me only desire Him. Nobody knew I had been up all night. I didn't understand how I felt fresh and rested the next day at school. Just God and I knew we had spent the night together in tears and laughter, and those night were a Thing between God and me.

During this time I also started writing songs of this times alone with the Lord. Most songs have only been heard by Him for they were only for Him. Even today as a married woman, I still can't write songs that are not for God. Nothing was majestic enough to inspire me. There was too much beauty in Him and His love for me for me to notice anything else worth singing to. Singing to Him brought joy and peace to my heart like nothing else did. I was very lucky to get the most secluded room in the house, because my hours of writing, composing, and singing were usually after 12 am. My songs are a Thing between God and me. 

Today, I don't remember much of that heartbreak. I don't even remember why it hurt so much for such a long time. All I remember is that I got a whole bunch of things that are only a thing between God and me. All I remember is this amazing relationship that was personal, real, and even secret. I believe that time was the corner stone of my relationship with God.
! Corinthians 7: 34
An unmarried woman or virgin is concerned about the Lord’s affairs: Her aim is to be devoted to the Lord in both body and spirit. But a married woman is concerned about the affairs of this world—how she can please her husband

This is so true. The Things between God and me are not the same as when I was only concerned about the Lord's affairs as an unmarried woman. Cheerish this time, treasure it! Times only get harder and if you don't have a strong, wonderful, personal relationship with God when He is your only concern, those times will only be harder and lonelier because You won't have the experience of having only held on from God. If you do, you will have a rock foundation on which to build up when storms hit again, because heartbreak is around the corner, but God is too and He is mightier!
Are you in heartbreak today? Let is be the best thing that ever happened to you!

PS: this post would have been perfect for Valentines... lol! God's love was there for you yesterday. Did you remember to love Him back?  


Learning Perspective

There I was in the bathroom stall trying to put my tears back in and hoping my eyes aren't red so I may reach my desk without them noticing I was in there crying. As I sat there trying to control myself I began to pray. I asked myself "What are all these troubles you cry for? Lack of money? Overworked, underpaid, and undervalued? Sick?" "God, please change my situation; I can't do this anymore," I prayed. "Please" as another tear fell.

And then I come to read the blogs I follow and I read this post:

And then of course, the Word is not far behind:

Jeremiah 13
7 Although our sins testify against us,
   do something, LORD, for the sake of your name.
For we have often rebelled;
   we have sinned against you.

Are you sure to come with this humility before Your God? Or are you crying from outrage that you are not getting what you "deserve"? Are you remembering Your condition before Your God or noticing your toils under the sun with no reward? Are you demanding what is not yours and forgetting all you've been given?

It's 2012 and mi comedor de amor is still a no go. What are you waiting for? Easier times? Healthier seasons? Money and time to spare? You don't have these but you don't need them. And all this crying putting gratitude in the back is just your selfishness finally showing it's colors: you want a life that's your own! You haven't learned, oh heart of mine, what it is to die. All this time seeing face to face your pride, you still lose the battle.

How easily you forget to put your eyes to the Cross! What are your problems compared to the Cross!
James 1
6 But when you ask, you must believe and not doubt, because the one who doubts is like a wave of the sea, blown and tossed by the wind. 7 That person should not expect to receive anything from the Lord. 8Such a person is double-minded and unstable in all they do.

Don't let me forget!
And use this sinner, for Your name's sake.

*367 learning to live with little, and even while having little, finding how to share it
*368 Adina's messages in my cell! Oh, thank You, thank You, thank You for her life!
*369 blogs that inspire me, fill me with passion, and teach me perpective
*370 some leisure time this weekend. Much appreciated
*371 skype on my mom's computer!
*372 "Dreaming all the time is not foolish. Your flood of life giving words will refresh!" :P
*373 watching how loving and caring my hubby is with the pups and the sight making me feel more in love with him.
*374 a grueling job to teach me to rejoice in many trials. Learn that in comparison, I have it pretty good and if I forget I must turn my gaze to the Cross
*375 feeling moved to move
*376 frijoles that are tasty for breakfast and dinner till I get paid :P (and thank You for making Honduran mantequilla (sour cream) the best in the world!)


Prayer Friday

My darling daughter Adina has made this Prayer Friday and I think it is just a wonderful idea. If Mondays begin well with gratitude, Fridays are an excellent time for prayer. Another sweet friend, Dela, wrote this on her facebook status:
 " Resolved, to ask myself at the end of every day, week, month and year, wherein I could possibly in any respect have done better. Jan. 11, 1723. -Jonathan Edwards :) ...broken, in a good way"

And when Adina suggested prayer Friday, this quote was the first thing that come to mind. I remember saying that I would post my "journally" talks with God here but only did it once. Well, they get a little too personal but it's a good practice so I'll give it another go.

Dear God,
I´m still feeling the flame of my spirit is barely a flame at all. I don't feel the desperate need for quite time with You as I use to. I barely get out of my seat to go to church, and it feels like a tremendous effort to go. As I read Dela's status and I thought what I could have done better, my mind instead  turned to think if I had done anything wrong.
   Such human nature! Instead of seeking excellence, we are contented with good enough. Yet I don't want to settle. I don't want to settle for an OK relationship with You. I don't want to settle for a good marriage. I don't want to settle for she-no-longer-flips-at-work-giving-an-ok testimony.
   The occasional bad word still slips my lips. I found myself murmuring now and then. I am attracted to group talks of ill-speaking of coworkers or bosses. I sometimes facebook and pinterest when I should be programming justifying myself with the excuse that I still get my job done in time. I don't care much if I'm punctual. I am not the first to serve or concede. I don't give second thought if I'm hurtful in my online comments and I dish "truth" without consideration and tact.
Maybe I didn't fail in these dark areas of mine as much this week than before, but I don't want to be content with just that. I want strive for higher calling: godlines. I want to completely remove this old self to be the new creature I am in Christ.
For this, I must remain in Christ.
Thus I make that prayer my own, as David did, that I might examined my heart, my thoughts, my attitudes, and desires till they are agreeable to You and bring You glory.
I can't do this without You, You give the desire and the action, May You fill my heart with passion for You and remember the work You are doing in me.
Might I seek You with desperation and see Your beauty.

Forever loving You,


A Bad Prayer and God's Answer

Yes, I learned this past week that God answers bad prayer. However, His good and perfect will shines through.

I had written in my last post of the wonderful weekend I had celebrating my hubby's bday. I didn't mention it was a very exhausting weekend. I didn't mention it not because I am finally learning not to murmur or go on and on of the bad in my life (I wish I had). I didn't mention it because I didn't feel that tired. I even included "unexpected strength" in my gratitude list. However, though my spirit was high and uplifted, my body gave me his usual crashing down mode on Monday morning. I don't know if I said it out loud or in my head, but that little prayer reached heaven ears:
"I need a sick day."
I had vowed in this new job to never lose a day of work with the fake "I am feeling sick" excuse. I wanted to grow in honesty and especially integrity. So I went to work Monday morning and felt really happy after writing the gratitude post. We usually go to the gym on mondays, but I asked my hubby to drop me off at his parent's so he wouldn't miss a gym day and I could lay in their couch and rest.

Tuesday morning felt even worse. It was like that little resting time did nothing. I was feeling more tired than ever. And there it was again, but this time a little more specific:
"God, I really need a sick day. Can it be something like a fever that I can get a shot for and stay at home and
rest? Nothing big, just enough for me to need to stay home."
I hadn't even gotten out of bed when telling God my waking thoughts. And suddenly, I felt my left eye sore and swollen. I ran to the mirror and there it was! My salvation! My sick day! Hooray!
Or so I prematurely celebrated.
Rodol doesn't take those things lightly. He missed classes to take me to the doctor as soon as possible. I called my boss and explained what had happened and he authorized me to take the day off to see the doctor.

I need to give a small parenthesis here. See, I am a software developer and I always have bunch of work to do and a bunch of work lined up screaming for me to get to it. Missisng a day of work is tragedy for my company, especially in my department and especially now that I am the only experienced developer in my department. Everyone else is new at the company and have only been working here for a month. If the doctor recommends three days of rest, I only take one! I try to never miss work, even at the expense of my health (Trust me, I'm very admonished by the hubby for this).

But it was only one day (wrong) and I had finished my pending work (wrong again). The doctor barely examined my eye, I was in terrible pain and drew back everytime I saw her hand come near my eye, and said it was a chalazion. For those wondering, a chalazion according to the Webster dictionary is:

A small circumscribed tumor of the eyelid caused by retention of secretion, and by inflammation of the Melbomian glands.

I had had one before. Almost one year and half ago I had one surgically removed. Fortunately, the doctor said that this one was still premature and with some medication and hot compressions I might be able to get cured without the need of a surgical intervention. 
I tried my best. I put hot compressions all day (I'm brutal with this. I have a high tolerance for heat and I slightly burned the skin on my cheek and eyelid.) and used the medicine as prescribed. By the end of the day, my eye was worst. I knew I had to go back to the doctor, but that meant having it surgically removed. I took a second sick day because my eye was hurting more than the day before and tried the hot compressions and medication approach one more time. Rodol couldn't miss another day of school, so I had to stay home alone feeling worse. 
Thrusday morning came, I knew I couldn't miss more days at work. My eye was red, swollen with burnt skin around it. I put on an eye patch to hide the awful sight and to lessen the pain and went to work.
Another small parenthesis. For those who don't know me well, I have very poor sight. My friends pray and hold hands whenever I'm on the drivers seat. It's really, really bad. Imagine me working on software code with one eye. That day was torture.

I couldn't get anything done. I could barely see! Plus the annoying experience of having everyone in the office individually ask what had happened to my eye; eventhough we work in the same room, I had to tell the chalazion story over and over again.   

I couldn't avoid it anymore. The pain was increasing and my eye getting worse. I knew I had to go to the doctor's again and have it surgically removed. I called to see if they could give me an appointment that same thrusday. By this time, the pain was more unbearable than the thought of having the procedure and I couldn't wait. My boss allowed me to leave early that thrusday. As we sat in the dreaded waiting room, I couldn't help remembering how painful the last time they did that to me had been. You see, this kind of build up is the worst, and it ends in a BOOM from my part. 

It took me some crying, some freaking out, some praying, and some convincing by the doctor and Rodol to sit in the chair and let her inject the anesthesia directly in my extremely sored eyelid. As I sat there preparing for the painful blow, this are the thoughts that went through my head:
"Linda, you want 4 to 6 kids, you better  learn to deal with pain!"
"C'mon, Linda, Jesus died for you and you are being a coward when He is your strength!" 
(I talk to myself in third person. I know, I'm weird.)
And so, I stood there still enduring the pain. 

READER DISCLAIMER: The following pictures are mildly disturbing. You are advice not to watch if you have a sensitive stomach.

The dreaded waiting room

Me after the anesthesia shot in the eye

this is shocking... look away

Better.... a little

The ride back home still a little sore

Did all this happen because of my bad prayer? Is it really a bad prayer? I think it is. I never see a godly man praying for sickness to avoid his responsibilities. Actually, when they did they were in for a hard lesson. I remembered the story of Elijah. He was so tired of it all he asked God to just take his life. God fed him and sent him to a long walk on the desert where Elijah would hear him in a whisper after an earthquake and fire. I'm guessing that was one of Elijah's worst experiences; he walked for forty days and nights, but he got to be where God was passing by. 
And so I guess Elijah learned 2 Corinthians 12:10
For the sake of Christ, then, I am content with weaknesses, insults, hardships, persecutions, and calamities. For when I am weak, then I am strong
So there I was praying for a sick day. I guess in the search for true integrity and honesty, I'll ask God for His strength and power to be strong when I am weak, instead of trying to fine a way out of what I have to do. But this lesson is for life. Don't search for the corners where you can take shortcuts or less pain. Be brave and take the hard path. "Narrow is the path" says the Bible, then it's harder to travel it. There I was memorizing James 1 and I forgot to "consider it PURE joy when faced with many trials."
But I had to have a bad prayer answered so painfully to remember I have strength available for me. 

*354 a bad prayer and God's good answer
*353 a lot of time spent with pit
*354 finding true fellowship in my brother Tito
*355 a caring hubby 
*356 a hard working hubby studying all weekend for his exams
*357 a recovered eye sight and strength to serve the hubby and his studying buddy
*358 comfort tv series :)
*359 a bad scary movie choice that reminds me why I have a no-scary-movie policy
*360 sleeping with the lights on because of the poor judgment
*361 a LOT of resting time
*362 money to pay the surgery. Understanding money comes and goes. It'll come back and if not, God provides.
*363 making the most of the food in your pantry to feed multiple guest this weekend. 
*364 very happy to have people in my house I can serve and feed
*365 a brownie and cream cheese frosting experiment a success.