Church classes

I have fallen in a trap in the past I dread ever falling again: worrying too much what people say or think and acting to protect that image of me. Today, however, I wonder if I've care too little of what people think and I've even acted out just to care less if they talk or even give them something to talk about.Not very proud of this reaction and not gonna hide behind the it's-a-human-thing excuse.

I find heart in that this too is within God's plan for me and it has served a purpose.
I've grown up in church. There, social classes were not rich and poor, local and foreigner. The "church classes" were "spiritual" and "none-spiritual" or "less-spiritual" and we separated into such. My closest friends were the "spiritual" ones or the ones wanting to grow spiritually. How nice it sounds, doesn't it? We didn't shun the "less spiritual" if they were willing to grow, instead we would help them; and we would protect our spiritual lives from the "none-spiritual" that didn't want to grow. All of this, amongst "believers."

I was pretty popular at church, well-known amongst pastors and leaders. However, I was completely unknown to the "none-spiritual". Oh, they knew my face but not my friendship. Actually, I didn't know how to relate to them. I was very much rejected by them (with good cause I might add). I was so self-righteous I would tell the teacher when my classmates from the church's CHRISTIAN school were cheating during a test. I would barely ever go off track. If I was told to do this, I would; if I was told not to, I wouldn't; say this, I would; dont say this... you get the picture. I was told to stay away from bad influences! I was never adviced, though, to cultivate a relationship with my brother.

A partying, dating, no-church attender, I lost almost three years of my brother's life because he would keep away from his goody two-shoes sister and I would keep away from my bad-influence brother. How could his pristine sister ever relate to him? I don't know when it was that my life stopped revolving around church (Monday Theology class, tuesday prayer meeting, wednesday mid-week meeting, thursday band practice, friday youth group, saturday youth church, sunday church); I am so glad it did! When was I gonna have time for my brother?

I always wanted to practice what Paul said in 1 Corinthians 9:21
21 To those not having the law I became like one not having the law (though I am not free from God’s law but am under Christ’s law), so as to win those not having the law.
I wanted to learn to relate to my brother in order to win him. No, not by partying, dating, or going against my convictions. Just simply by showing interest in his interest. He was into poi (fire dancing), so I learned poi to be close to him. A simple thing as learning something he likes made us come so close. He would brag to his friends his sister could do poi, he was my teacher, and his sister was a decently good female poi dancer. We would spend hours training and learning. He would ask me to go out with him to locations where he could poi and I could advice him and record his new moves During those times, he would tell me of his likes and dislikes, friends, his thoughts and desires, his struggles. It was then that I realize I had missed-out on my brother's life and I wasn't going to do so anymore.

During this time, so many people asked me why I would spend less time seving at church. How could I be going out with my brother and his friends (most of them weed-loving hippies) to do poi? Well, they taught me a lot. With the struggles most of them went through, I was surprised they weren't bitter. 
This was a turning point for me. I had to be able to relate with everyone if I was ever gonna really serve Christ. And a hard truth, I had not learn to do this at church and, even less, in church. I hadn't even learn to relate to the "none spirituals" at church! This had to change.

So, during the whole post I've written "spiritual", "less spiritual", and "none spiritual" rightly in quotations not to quote but to show my sarcasm. Yes, sarcasm! Turns out, that the "spirituals" I grew up with are no longer at church and their testimonies are not godly, the "none or less spiritual" are still there, some being huge examples. You can't tell if someone is spiritual or not. No, the fact that they are 24/7 at church and following the leaders a 100% doesn't make them spiritual. No, just because you are a teenager that parties or dates doesn't mean God is not working on you. No, you can't judge who will be who or do what! God is the one doing the work and the only one that knows the heart.

I see so many good brothers and sisters in church today who truly love the Lord, but they are not practicing compassion and love with the brothers and sisters in church that are cold. I see them being unable to relate with those outside their "church class." I have such a huge variety of friends now: In church, not in church, "spiritual" (in the church's eye), "not spiritual" (again in the church's eye), wanting to grow, resisting to grow, mature, immature, in need, in abundance, seeking God, hardened... and I realize that is me also. I'm not always perfect, no matter how much I tried to look it (not anymore if you remember my childish acting-out I mentioned).

I learned that in these I'm-not-perfect times is when you are relateable to others. I don't have to be afraid of failing, for when I am weak, He is strong. He has been strong! He has showed me His love in this journey of mine. He is showing me to show more love. I fail miserably at this. So miserably. But I will try again, and again, and again. So, if you see me hanging out with the church's low class or if my sin is more present (it always has been but now I don't hide it), know that I am happily being taught by God.

I don't know if it's our proud, sinful nature or just the way God works but before finding balance, we go from one extreme to the other. I wonder if I've gone from good girl to bad girl. I don't think I completely have, but there are many things I need to change. To me, it's all good because "He who has been forgiven more, loves more", and I love God today more than yesterday. Many consider Israel's wandering in the desert a waste of time, but it too was in God's plan. If in whatever happens in your life you seek God's face, it will all be for the better. After all, it was His plan. And in my "stray" days a little away from church, I was taught by weakness and grace and uncoditional love to relate with everyone. 

Dear Lord, 
I have still so much to learn. I need to learn balance. Balance between living in the world and being of the world. Balance between becoming like the world to win the world and not letting go of my God-given convictions I must preserve and in most cases go back to. Teach me to love and not condemn, to restore and not judge, to forgive and not look back, to accept and not reject. Teach my beloved brothers and sisters in Christ not to make my same mistakes. That they might learn to love ALL around them like You accepted those that others rejected.  
I love You Lord.


All about baby

I'm starting a section on this blog called "Baby Learning."
In it I will record what I learn about baby care, baby health, and everything baby related.
You might wonder why I'll record these teachings. Easy: I forget.
Emmalee is (I hope) the first of more children to come, and I'll need this information. Also, every child will be different and will expand my learning on baby behaviour and health.

Here's what I've learned so far:

Lump on breast:
Emmalee was  24 days old when I noticed a lump on her breast. I almost instantly cried because I worried how long it had been there and I hadn't noticed and if there was something wrong. I called the doctor who explained what it was and I also did some research that explained the same thing the doctor had explained. It's perfectly normal. Because my baby was being breastfed, the hormones that make me breastfeed were also being passed to her through my milk. This made her breast also prepare for breastfeeding and thus they lumped. What???!!! That sounds crazy! I read that some babies even expel milk if you press their breast, including baby boys! Are you kidding me??!!! Yes, who knew!

First milestones:
I had never before interacted with a baby. Seriously! I had no idea how a newborn should act. I didn't know they don't look at you in the first weeks of life or that they are unable to follow sounds. Thus, I was worried that my baby was blind and/or deaf. I would move objects infront of her to see if she followed them with her eyes, but she wouldn't even look at the object. I would clap to see if it drew her attention and nothing. Her waketime was the most puzzling time for me. Silly, naive me. Thank God for the internet and it's useful information. I learned that she would do these things at a certain age and that this things I considered easy, small things that she should instantly do were actually milestones. I'm glad to report Emmalee is right on schedule with each of her milestones.

First month milestones:
  • Lifts head for short periods of time 
  • Moves head from side to side
  • Prefers the human face to other shapes
  • Makes jerky, arm movements
  • Brings hands to face
  • Has strong reflex movements
  • Can focus on items 8 to 12 inches away
  • May turn towards familiar sounds or voices
  • Responds to loud sounds
  • Blinks at bright lights
Second month milestones:
  • Smiles
  • Tracks objects with his eyes
  • Makes noises other than crying
  • May repeat vowel noises, such as "ah" or "ooh"
She even has most of the milestones of a three month old baby. She is already sleeping 6 to 7 hours at night which is a 4 month-old milestone!
You can see her taking in her surrounding

Sleeping in her favorite place: mommy's arms

Holding her head up while in her tummy!

Oh, this has been one of my most researched topics.
Our first weeks were breezy. Emmalee was eating only from the breast and had no problem latching. We only had to work to keep her awake and mommy was learning how to hold her.
When the bottle was introduced to give her some daddy feeding time, the change from bottle to breast was also easy. But when I went back to work and she had bottled breastmilk more often this caused serious problems. She started suffering from nipple confusion. She has a hard time taking the breast and I need her to continue to feed from the breast on the mornings and night to keep the milk production high. She would push me away and cry like if I was intentionally trying not to feed her. I, again ignorantly and following the advice of some mothers I might add, tried forcing her to the breast. This would cause her crying go to on hiper speed and pitch and it would take forever, leaving her exhausted and mommy highly frustrated. I even cried a time or two. I was feeling rejected. Oh, the new mommy! Again I researched and read that this happens often and it is better not to force her for it might cause her to go into a nursing strike and she won't even take the bottle later on. I saw that this was true since, after the fight, she wouldn't take the bottle either. The internet suggested to coax her into taking the breast and NEVER to force her. I try many techniques: soothe and calm her and offer the breast; if she doesn't want to and starts crying, repeat. This takes some time but it works and she doesn't go crazy screaming and I don't feel frustrated. Another technique is to give her the bottle and switch it with the breast while she is sucking. It works like a charm most times but it sometimes also takes time and requires the help of dad to help with the swithching. The good news is that she doesn't do this with the middle of the night feed or the early morning feed which makes these feedings fast and calm. I can't imagine having to coax her when I'm half asleep or her cries waking up her dad.

Infrequent stools:
I was convinced Emmalee was constipated. She would poo 3 to 5 times a day and suddenly she started going less and less untill she didn't go at all during the day. The pediatrician said she might be reacting to a lacthose allergy and that I should quit dairy altogether. I was taking care of my dairy intake and drinking delacthose milk, but the doctor recommend none whatsoever. That made breakfast a huge question mark for me. This didn't help as Emmalee still wouldn't go. We did the recommended tummy massages and leg exercises but nothing. The doctor suggested a glycerin suppository. Again I did some research and found out Emmalee was perfectly normal and was not constipated. It only constitutes as constipation if her stools are firm or solid, she has a distended belly, or she shows pain while going or discomfort during the day. None of the above are true in Emmalee's case. Why didn't anyone tell me that for exclusively breastfed babies it's normal to poop once a week! Yes, it's perfectly normal and this doesn't mean she won't be able to learn to go number two in the future.

Every little detail can stress a new mommy. And somethings will be new with second and third babies too and mommy will still run around worried. Never stay uninformed. Read as much as you can but be careful on your reading; some things you read get you more worried than they are helpful.

Dear Lord, 
Give me wisdom and knowledge in this mommy journey. Help me rely on You before doctors and medical pages. Let me remember You have Emmalee's best interest and You love her and care for her more than I do. Give me peace and a calm head in my decision making. Help me be the mommy You want me to be for Emmalee. 
I love You. 


Dear Emmalee/ 2 Months

Emmalee turn 2 months today!!!
Yippiee!!! Boy, I felt it took forever.
We went through tough things this new month: I went back to work. :(
That first day separated was extremely hard. I didn't think it'd be that bad.
I thought the second week back to work would get easier. Emotionally it was; unfortunately, physically it wasn't since I got very sick. Yikes! Just came back to work and had to take another leave of absense. :S
I hope my employers are not regreeting my contract renewal :P

Life has gotten a bit more complicated. We have a pretty hectic schedule that looks like this:
7 :00 am Early morning feed time. Mommy has already bathed by now and dad has to hurry up taking his.
7 :30 am Emmalee has enjoyed play time so she can now sit calmly (most days) and watch mom and dad get ready. We have to pack Emmalee's clothes and needs, playpen, stroller and infant seat. Mom and dad have breakfast and Emmalee just watches and "agus" at us.
8:00 am Leaving to drop mommy to work. The ride is usually calm if we have a bottle at hand for when Emmalee gets upset the car isn't moving because of too much traffic. I thought she'd sleep all the way, but it's one of her most chatty times of the day and mommy is happy they can chat and stare at each other as much as they want.
8:30-5:30 pm: Mommy is at work. Dad had to drop off Emmalee at her grandma's house at noon, grab a quick lunch, and leave for college. Dad took care of the morning playtime and feedtime while working on his assginments and studies. Grandma had time to cook lunch and takes care of the noon and early afternoon feedtime and playtime.
6:00pm: Mommy arrives in time for the afternoon feedtime and playtime. We have to wait at grandma's house for dad.
8:15 pm Dad arrives and we have dinner together (most of the time in gracious grandparents house). Again we have to pack all of Emmalee's stuff and go back home. (Most of the time we only pack the playpen and infant seat. We only take the stroller home on weekends) This packing is easier because grandpa or Uncle Kris or Uncle Javi help entertain Emmalee while we pack. Thank God for grandma Linda's playpen and how quick it packs!
9:00 pm night feedtime and playtime. This is our family time. Emmalee won't accept to be placed anywhere; she will demand to be carried. :)
10:00pm Bath time. We have gotten pretty good at bathing Emmalee in record time. After the bath, we enjoy time in the rocking chair while I comb Emmalee's hair and dad reads us the Bible. Later dad lays on the nursery's rug and I sing worship songs to finish our devotional time and also send Emmalee to sleep. She usually gets a last feeding to doze off comfortably.
4:00 am If we are lucky, there won't be any middle of the night feeding. Emmalee is learning to drop this feeding pretty fast. If not, it is a quick feedtime and she's back to sleep in no time so it's all good.

Dear Emmalee,
You are two months! It is amazing how much you've changed in only two months of life! 
You have the most amazing smile. You melt your mommy like butter everytime you smile. I could stare at you forever. 
You speak beautifully as well. Mom could record the sounds you make and use them as soundtrack all day at work and be completely content. 
Your hair is as uncontrollable as ever and yet it's everyone first comment when they meet you. Everyone also falls for your beautiful eyes, especially when they light up when accompanied by your smile.
Mommy prays each day for the time when we'll be able to be together all day long, but your granparents are thoroughly enjoying themselves. Your grandpa loves to take you for walks and pray for your life with you. Mommy does this on the weekends too. You won't sleep on daddy's arms! To you, dad means playtime.
Your Uncle Kris and Uncle Javi are excited to learn how to care for you. I found Uncle Javi, who at first didn't know how to interact with you, rocking you to sleep. It was adorable. 
Mom disobeys what babywise says of letting you cry to sleep. I'll let you sleep in my chest to your hearts content. I hope you know how loved you are. You are very lucky baby girl. I love how you still jump to your grandma Linda's voice even through skpe. It was your favorite voice when you were in the womb. 
Everyday I tell your dad that you are the most perfect baby in the world and he agrees. I ask God to never let me forget to give thanks for everytime you awake with life. I pray for God's purpose in your life, baby girl. I pray you might love Him with all your heart. He made you beautiful! I was feeling pretty good with myself thinking "I might not do many thing, but I make beautiful babies" hehehe. But it was God Who formed you so wonderfully and healthy and I give thanks. 


What kind of man

I didn't know at the time I married my husband the kind of man he is.
You can't know. You can see how he is with his family, his friends, and as a boyfriend. 
You can see how he is in his endeavours. You can see how he is in his likes and dislikes, hobbies, and the things he treasures. But you can't know what kind of man he is. 

You learn what kind of man a man is in hardship. God knows this and this is why He passes us through tests of fire that refine our hearts. 
I didn't know at the time just how incredibly amazing my husband would turn out.

I was once advising two sixth grade students of mine that had spoken ill (pretty badly) of the girl they liked and I asked them what kind of man they wanted to be. I remember telling them the kind of man they become depends on the decisions they make each day. A husband does not marry his wife thinking he'll cheat on her one day. A father does not have a family thinking he'll one day leave them for another woman. These things happen because they made decisions that turned them into the kind of man little boys loathe. I told them that if they wanted to be the kind of man that gave God glory they had to chose to obey Him and give Him glory with every little thing they did. I told them a man that does not respect her classmate can grow to be the kind of man that disrespects his wife. A man that hits his classmates can grow to be the kind of man that hits woman.  A man that lies to his teacher can grow to be the kind of man that makes a dishonest and illegal living. Every decision was shaping the kind of man they'd be and I wanted them to be the kind of man girls dream of. I remember the talk having an impact on them and they still write to let me know of the man they're becoming. 

I've seen friends married to authorative husbands, lazy husbands, unattentive husbands, husbands who prefer to be out of the house til late hours, husbands who would rather go out without the wife, husbands who are unkind and harsh, husbands that put work first than family, husbands who put church first than family, husband who look at other women or cheat, husband who leave them, husbands who put money and security before starting a family, husbands that don't want children, husbands whose love depends on your looks. None of my friends married their husband thinking they'd get that kind of man.

My husband has servant, selfless heart. He is loving and caring and he makes sure I feel happy and cared for. He loves to go out with me and wants to take me wherever he goes. He would rather stay home with me if I can't go out and does so happily. Even after hard work, he comes home and cares for his sick wife, helps her with dinner, and gives her massages and kisses. My husband is the most patient man in the world bearing his choleric wife. Family is the most important thing for him and he makes his wife become more family oriented by making her spend time with his family and even with her own family. He makes his wife be more attentive of relatives birthdays and celebrations and call them more often. My husband has only eyes for me; he won't be in a room alone with another woman by personal conviction. After the changes my body suffered after the pregnancy, he still looks at me with lovey-dovey eyes, tells me I'm beautiful every morning, and tells me I'm the woman his heart desires. He wakes up early to care for the baby's first waketime so I might have more sleep time. His daughter and his wife are constantly on his mouth when he's with his friends and classmates. He runs to help anyone who needs his help. He reads us the Bible every night after Emmalee's bath. He is always willing to help with Emmalee. He calls me everyday just to ask me how I'm doing and say "I love you." His first reaction when faced with trials is bow in prayer. He fasts for his wife's feeble health. He is not afraid to pursue the dream of a big family. He is a hard worker, punctual, and responsible.

I love my husband. I thank the Lord for the man he is and that he is the man I have. I pray I can be his help meet to help him grow more into that kind of man that gives God glory with his life and pray I don't stray him from that path.
I am a lucky, lucky girl. I won the lottery of life with such a husband.
I am grateful beyond words for him.

Help me remember to treasure him for he is the kind of man you gave me and he is wonderful.

My man is also a great photographer!


100th Post!

This is my hundredth post.
I've opened up my heart here for the hundredth time.
It's curious what this hundred post encapsule.
From a girl recently married to a mother.
They contain my lessons in dealing with the work place with gratitude and grace.
They show the faithfulness of God in His care for us when all seems dim.
They prove my fears a tale and my God's grace a reality.
In it you can learn of my heart, my family, and my God.

I was reading previous post last friday because I was adding labels to each post. It was funny how I wanted to write something but felt no inspiration and how much my own posts inspired me at the end of the day. I've experienced this before when I go back and read my journals. I am surprised with what is written as though someone else wrote it. I've always felt that someone else indeed wrote them. I only like to write when I feel the Spirit in me moves to, I am sure He is the inspiration, and I know He is the one that talks truth and light.

I can see how much I've change in this past two years recorded here.
I like the changes. I like how I've become closer to God more each year.
I like how now I can say with conviction that God will not forsake you.
I like how now I consider it pure joy when faced with many trials.
I like how I am humbled by my husband's love for me as I am humbled by God's love for me.

Ecclesiastes 7

8 The end of a matter is better than its beginning,
and patience is better than pride.
9 Do not be quickly provoked in your spirit,
for anger resides in the lap of fools.

10 Do not say, “Why were the old days better than these?”
For it is not wise to ask such questions.
11 Wisdom, like an inheritance, is a good thing
and benefits those who see the sun.
12 Wisdom is a shelter
as money is a shelter,
but the advantage of knowledge is this:
Wisdom preserves those who have it.
13 Consider what God has done:
Who can straighten
what he has made crooked?
14 When times are good, be happy;
but when times are bad, consider this:
God has made the one
as well as the other.
Therefore, no one can discover
anything about their future.

I could write a post of each of these verses. I especially like 13 and 14: No one can discover anything about their future. Another verse says "no one can know what God is doing." Verse 13 says "consider what God has done." When I read this hundred past posts I definitely didn't imagine God would have me where He has me now. I can understand more clearly why He does what He does when at the time it happened it might had seemed pointless or even cruel. He made the happy day as the sad day and in both He gave us His joy and peace, His love and faithfulness, and He never ever left us alone.

The fact that I have my own family still leaves me dumbfounded.
My growing family, my husband's love, my mom's example all are things worth recording; all things to show me God's amazing love for me.
One thing I don't want my blog to start missing are my thank you list so here they continue:

*532 My daughter. Thank You again for my beautiful, healthy daughter.
*533 My daughters first smile. That was one of the most amazing sights in the world.
*534 My loving, patient, kind, and caring husband always by my side.
*535 Mom was able to be with me during the birth of Emmalee.
*536 Emmalee was born a week before christmas
*537 All the wonderful gifts friends and family brought for Emmalee. She needs absolutely nothing material.
*538 Time with my brother who I hadn't seen all year. Hearing about his lovely girlfriend who got him into reading made me happy. I am grateful I was able to hear about his hurts and fears and tell him about mine in hopes of encouraging him. I am grateful he opened up his heart to us and that we were able to be there for him.
*539 My sister smiling. It makes me so happy when my sister is so happy she speaks faster than the speed of light. She's been a chatterbox almost everytime I see her lately.
*540 My amazing in-laws. Grateful for their heart willing to serve my family and care for Emmalee when we are unable to. Grateful she is dearly loved and cared for by family.
*541 Emmalee is learning to sleep all night!
*542 Getting to know my daughter's cries
*543 Breastfeeding. It is the most wonderful thing in the world. It is so beautiful and I feel so blessed to be a woman and be able to experience that and enjoy so much.
*544 No matter how long we haven't seen each other, I love Paolo and Tito wholeheartedly and I know they are my brothers and they are there when I need them.
*545 Running water. Boy, I don't know what would be of us without it, so I better be grateful for it now.
*546 The hottest December/January ever. It wasn't fun not to have the nice chilly weather, but Emmalee greatly benefited from the warmer weather on her early days.
*547 Visits from many, many friends!
*548 Visit even from my mom's Panama's pastor and wife! They were a delight!
*549 Times in the rocking chair. I love that rocking chair. It is so helpful when breastfeeding and comforting Emmalee. Plus I always feel inspire to sing to her while rocking her making it very enjoyable.
*550 Sleepless nights and a very tired momma. Yep, we are grateful for everything being a parent means, the good and the bad.
*551 Emmalee's mild temper. We are still not sure if she indeed has a mild temper; she is still very young and does make her fits on the house, but she is always so well behaved outside. It eases us when we have to go outside with her.
*552 Emmalee's two months of perfect health! :)
*553 Emmalee again! Grateful for her beautiful grey eyes (that everyone likes to rain on my parade telling me they'll change), her very hairy head, her tiny toes, her nails I'm able to trim now, her nose, the sounds she makes when she's happy or sleepy, and I could go on!
*554 Emmalee learned to stare back. Sometimes she just stays staring at me for long periods she even makes me feel nervous, but mostly I feel warm inside.
*555 10,000 tears of joy. If you see me crying alot this days, don't worry. I'm a crying mess of joy.

I love You, Lord. I love to read of what You do in me and how You continue to teach me. You are so good I could never stop worshiping You! May I never stop! Thank You for a 100 post walking with You! 


On losing sleep

Today I went back to work. The heartbreak of leaving little Emmalee behind kept me up all night. We've been unseparable for the past 51 days. I turned to my husband and said "I'm sad" and before he could embrace me I was sobbing like a little girl. Seriously, I cried longer than Emmalee does; louder too.
Rodol tried his best to calm me down. "You'll wake the baby," he said. That was enough to get me to try to calm down. I didn't succeed in calming down for at least 10 minutes more. 

I was an emotional mess yesterday. I saw this episode of Private Practice (I don't watch this show but the commercials caught my attention) that literally broke my heart. A doctor in the show was pregnant with triplettes and went into premature labour and delivered one of her baby girls at 26 weeks. The baby had to have surgery and looked really small. In a scene a doctor mentioned a fellow doctor had delivered a baby with no brain. I googled "baby with no brain" and was not prepared for what I saw. I then watched the episode of the show where this baby was born and went to take a bath crying the whole time. 

I'm so blessed. So inmensely blessed! My baby girl was born healthy and beautiful. She wakes up and stares at my face and smiles and says her "agus" to me. It's the most beautiful thing in the world. I was feeding her and she kept staring at me so attentive and even smiled while eating. I couldn't stop thinking of what I had seen and how true people endure such situations. I was stunned by how much a human can withstand. I go back to all the things I feared like stillbirth or birth complications and remember how blessed I am and how I must kneel in gratitude before God's goodness. 

And eventhough I knew how much I had to be grateful for, I couldn't battle my sadness. Rodol comforted me and reminded me of all I had to be grateful for. He lovingly caressed my head and prayed for my peace. I again took heart from my example of strength and courage: my mother. To think she had to go to work leaving three little ones behind! And she didn't have the ilussion of one day staying at home when her husband could sustain the house because she had no husband. She did it alone, and I don't remember my mom crying her eyes out or seeming sad. She came home happy to see us and ready to spend time with us. I'm so lucky I have such a great mom. To think that children give heartache to their parents seems preposterous to me after them sacrificing everything for you. 

A Big Band Theory episode I hadn't seen helped ease my distress and a good night feeding Emmalee (at 2 am!) finally got me asleep.   

And to the things that keep me up sometimes, I give you this scripture:

Psalm 139
For the director of music. Of David. A psalm.

1 You have searched me, Lord,
and you know me.
2 You know when I sit and when I rise;
you perceive my thoughts from afar.
3 You discern my going out and my lying down;
you are familiar with all my ways.
4 Before a word is on my tongue
you, Lord, know it completely.
5 You hem me in behind and before,
and you lay your hand upon me.
6 Such knowledge is too wonderful for me,
too lofty for me to attain.

7 Where can I go from your Spirit?
Where can I flee from your presence?
8 If I go up to the heavens, you are there;
if I make my bed in the depths, you are there.
9 If I rise on the wings of the dawn,
if I settle on the far side of the sea,
10 even there your hand will guide me,
your right hand will hold me fast.
11 If I say, “Surely the darkness will hide me
and the light become night around me,”
12 even the darkness will not be dark to you;
the night will shine like the day,
for darkness is as light to you.

13 For you created my inmost being;
you knit me together in my mother’s womb.
14 I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made;
your works are wonderful,
I know that full well.
15 My frame was not hidden from you
when I was made in the secret place,
when I was woven together in the depths of the earth.
16 Your eyes saw my unformed body;
all the days ordained for me were written in your book
before one of them came to be.
17 How precious to me are your thoughts, God!
How vast is the sum of them!
18 Were I to count them,
they would outnumber the grains of sand—
when I awake, I am still with you.

19 If only you, God, would slay the wicked!
Away from me, you who are bloodthirsty!
20 They speak of you with evil intent;
your adversaries misuse your name.
21 Do I not hate those who hate you, Lord,
and abhor those who are in rebellion against you?
22 I have nothing but hatred for them;
I count them my enemies.
23 Search me, God, and know my heart;
test me and know my anxious thoughts.
24 See if there is any offensive way in me,
and lead me in the way everlasting.

This one specially: 
16 Your eyes saw my unformed body; all the days ordained for me were written in your book before one of them came to be. Our days are numbered. No worrying or losing sleep will change that. The Lord is good. 
Please, dear God, in Your goodness and will may You grant me many days with my daughter and my husband! I love You and again praise You for Your goodness to me and blessing me with my child. Please guard her in her upcoming vaccine appointment; You know my fears on that; I lay them at Your feet. 

Sound asleep in mommy's arms in God's hands