I am Anxious, Lord!

Horrid human nature that I despise.
I despise this feeling of unrest and fear that boggles in me.
I preach to my own self against it. "Do not let anxiety take away your trust in your mighty God."
But it does. It invades my heart and all my extremities.
I feel it in the bottom of my gut and in the pounding of my heart.
I release it from my body through the streams in my eyes.
It creeps back up at any moment.
And I despise it.

I despise it because no matter how hard my mind speaks sense to it, it triumphs in bringing me down.
I despise it because it puts into light how I am a woman of little faith.
I despise it because I put it in perspective against real hardships people endure.
I despise it because it diminishes my hard-earned gratitude-filled view of life.
I despise it for being my nature and rooted in my very core.

My husband will soon be entering his second month unemployed. We cannot survive on my salary alone. It is not a matter of cutting back or spending less. It is not possible. I would have to lose my nanny and figure out who would watch my girls. I would have to give up paying debts with increasing interests setting us back for years.
Still, we would still have a roof over our heads. My in-laws won't be kicking us out, though my dreams of getting a place for us would die. I could still put food on the table. And pray with all my might no one gets ill.

My situation is not life or death.
Some people's situation is.
Can you hear that again? Some people's situation is life or death.

I am officially anxious.
I am at the point where I am yelling "God, please help us!!!!"
And I hate myself for it.
Why? Because I cannot call out to God and ask Him to hurry up?
No. (We will actually see that is Biblical).
Because my situation is not going to take my daughters away from me.
Because my situation is not going to leave me homeless.
Because my situation is not going to leave me without my husband.

I think of Tony and Giana.
I've been praying for them since December 24, 2015 when they were on a horrible car accident that left them severely burned and injured. Giana hasn't woken up since the accident. I go to my Facebook feed hoping to read that update that she is finally conscious. I can't even fathom her mother's pain.

I think of my friend whose husband has been without a job for over a year now, and thus she is still childless. I want to tell her not to lose faith, but I would rather show her how to.

Jeremiah 29: 12-13
Then you will call upon me and come and pray to me, and I will hear you. You will seek me and find me, when you seek me with all your heart.
I tell my husband this is the purpose of his waiting. I tell him he has yet to seek Him with all his heart. God wants all your heart. All of it means all of it. And that is achieved through trials.

James 1:2-4
Consider it pure joy, my brothers, when you meet trials of various kinds, for you know that the testing of your faith produces steadfastness. And let steadfastness have its full effect, that you may be perfect and complete, lacking in nothing.

Now this is what God is teaching me. You've seen this verse here many times. And I have felt I have gotten better at mastering this "consider it joy" part. I hold my daughters close to me in my bed, run my nose through their head and smell their hair, feel the warmth of their body and their beating heart inside them, and I find my pure joy amidst my trials. I spent the whole weekend working really hard and hardly spent any time with them. Maybe that is why my heart is so rattled today. But my pure my joy should and must come from the Lord. I am so glad I believe in the God Almighty. I could never be an atheist. Not after birthing my girls and seeing God is real. But I could never believe in myself or other humans. We are so weak we can't even tell anxiety to stay away. We can't even talk sense to our hearts. 

I don't know how long this waiting will be. 
I think I know we can survive it til March. 
But God has other plans and other truths (for all I know we could be somehow making it like this til next Christmas).
And He is at work. My God is not a lazy or a late God. He just teaches me to run on His clock, not mine. He teaches me to cry out to Him constantly to bring my heart closer to His.
Deuteronomy 4:30
When you are in distress and all these things have happened to you, then in later days you will return to the LORD your God and obey him.

There is also purpose in my crying and anxiety. There is purpose in my husband's disheartedness. It is for us to return to the Lord and obey Him. 
And these verse might be kind of generic, but do the Nike thing: "Just do it!"

1 Peter 5:6-7
6 Humble yourselves, therefore, under God’s mighty hand, that he may lift you up in due time. 7 Cast all your anxiety on him because he cares for you.

Philippians 4:4-7
4 Rejoice in the Lord always. I will say it again: Rejoice! 5 Let your gentleness be evident to all. The Lord is near. 6 Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. 7 And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding,will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.