Wow, I can't believe it's been this long since I've written.
There is so much I've wanted to record.
I thought heavily on writing a post on how I should act on social media with the political division we are living in my country, in the US, in the world. I thought of writing of my pain for the immigrant caravan and my pain for the lack of empathy I see shown from many friends. I thought of writing of how we can have such varying perspectives and both sides feel they are in the right. How can this be? I felt ashamed of being confrontational on social media or becoming upset when someone speaks well of Trump or Juan Orlando. As you see, these are hard topics to write about and I am still struggling to find a middle ground from which to write not from my point of view but of what God expects from me. I learned that what He wants for me is to be vigilant in keeping the unity, which I wasn't, and be fierce in prayer, which I also wasn't.
There is so much going on the world that makes me ache: hunger, injustice, war, cancer, sickness, immigration, lack of education, work, or health, corruption, violence. The Panamanians have a phrase for all that I hate in the world right now: "Juega vivo." I don't even know how to attempt translating that. It means play with the intent of winning at all costs, even human cost.
My husband has definitely felt the "juega vivo" from his boss, who knows he is an immigrant and he has a family and needs his job more desperately than others. He pays my husband no benefits or allows my hsuband to take sick days; and while everyone else is on vacation, my husband is the only one still working. It discourages him deeply. I try to alleviate his pain by reminding him how proud we are of him and of his efforts to give us his best. And while it hasn't been easy, we were reminded how lucky we are.
My girls are lucky the Lord provides books for them from unexpected places. My librarian friend Jana gave us a treasure of children books for the girls. And last week, a teacher friend of my sister gave her another stalk of children's book for my girls. Amongst these books was a small one called "The Little Match Seller." On the cover there is a little blond girl wearing raggedy clothes selling matches on the street while the rich people pass by with their noses up. The cover is surrounded by a border made of snowflakes. I thought this would be a story with a Dickensian twist were a rich man would buy the matches for gold and allow the little girl to provide her family for Christmas. With that in mind, I read it to the girls two nights ago. The story starts with the little girls selling matches with no luck, feeling sad her mom and grandmother had past away last winter and afraid of her angry father if she came home having sold nothing. As she watched everyone else in their warm homes, lusious Christmas dinners, and Christmas trees with gift around, she curled herself on a corner to try to get warm. She lit a match and imagined she was at a warm chimney. As she was about to warm her feet, the match went out. A second match made her imagine a candlelight dinner. As she was about to grab a turkey leg, the match went out. A third match made her imagine a Christmas tree with lights all around. As she was about to hug the tree, the match went out. A shooting star in the sky reminded her of her grandmother. She lit a match and imagined her grandmother was there with her. Afraid her grandmother would disappear, she desperately began lighting all the matches. When she was about to run out she begged her grandmother not to leave her. "Take me with you please," she said, "I love you and I don't want to be alone." Her grandmother picked her from the hands and smiling the two ascended to the Kingdom of God where there was no hunger, cold, or sadness. In the morning, the people thought the little girl had tried to keep herself warm as she lay dead and cold in the corner with a smile on her face and all the used matches around.
Tears I could not possibly mask began running down my face.
"Why are you crying. mom," asked Emmalee.
"Because the little girl died, baby," I said.
"I am sorry the story made you cry."
"Oh, no, baby, these are good tears", I said. "They are tears that remind you how lucky you are, how much you have to give thanks for, how much you need to do for others, and how one day we will be in the place of no cold, hunger, and sadness."
I came out of the girls' room still crying and shared the story with my husband.
It made us get together in prayer giving thanks for the Lord's provision even in the midst of people's "juega vivo." It filled our hearts with joy from the unmerited goodness we receive and seek to give some back to those who have less.
I had sign on to be on my church's Christmas cantata singing in the choir. I joined with the intent of improving my singing, learning from others, meeting people, and feeling more involved. My motivations weren't very Kingdom of God inspired. I didn't feel the cantata was done to "reach others." The day of the cantata I learned there were two presentations: one at 4 that was free and one at 7 that was charged for. I wondered why I had been only offered tickets for the charged presentation for my family. It was until the day of the cantata that I learned the 4 o'clock presentation is for charity. The church mobilizes people from orphanages, asylums, and the poor neighborhoods around town to watch the cantata. The cantata was spectacular! It was beyond what I had imagined. The dancers wore spectacular, glittery dresses and even had different dresses for different songs. The play told the story of Christmas so brilliantly and clearly. The choir was marvelous and grandiose. I felt so happy the same cantata for those who could afford it was being shown to those who couldn't. These kids would never see a show of this magnitude otherwise. That filled my heart with so much joy. My mom had invited her cousin to the paid show. She did not know Christ and came out of the cantata with tears on her eyes. "I had no idea I was coming to something like this tonight," she said. "I was planning on going home and getting drunk. I could feel Jesus telling me He wanted me here." I could not believe my ears. How gracious was God letting me be a part of this, even if I had not done it with Him at heart. (See how unmerited we are?)
The hubs and I have been serving in the church's music band. Our church has many outreach programs that serve those with less. We are excited the hubs will be finishing his masters in March and we'll have more time and money to be able to serve more and be even more involved in ministry. We are feeling more at home in Panama and feeling more a part of the community. I've also become an expert at befriending strangers (moms) in the park and creating connections out of thin air. I want the Lord to use me more and be able to bring these mothers to Christ.
I can't change the world despite all my recycling efforts and all my political fights on social media. A friend recently told me that confrontational for the sake of arguing is being contentious. I get on the wagon of some social battles like those against women's inequality issues and the raising racism. I have #meToo stories of my own and also appreciate a movement that allows victims to share their story with no shame and shed light on those very real issues. I am asking God for wisdom to not be swayed but also not silent, not be confrontational but also not blind, not despair for a fallen world but also not be idle, to hurt for injustice but not be hopeless, to know when to talk and when to be quiet.
He is so merciful with me. I can't express how good He is to us. There are just no words.
I just hope He keeps giving me more time here and I can strive to use it well for me and for those around me, but specially for Him.
My baby girls got to be a part of Grandma Linda's church's Christmas program. Emmalee will be able to join the cantata next year and Kaylee will have to wait one more year to join. Can't wait!
Here are some videos of the Cantata:
This video is of the beginning of the musical were Santa and the Christmas ornaments think Christmas is about them. Here you can see the kids' choir on stage dressed as Christmas lights and the some costume changes for the dancers as they appear as various Christmas ornaments.
Here is one of my favorite singers, Alejandro, as the angel Gabriel anouncing the Prince of Peace
This video is the 3 kingsmen trio. This is one of my favorite Christmas songs ever (that song got me a husband. Ask me the story if you want to know), but this version with the master voices of these kingsmen and the power of the choir at the end is a masterpiece.
