Spy X Family Party for Kaylee's 11th with spy party printable links to download!!!

 

According to the deal I made with my daughters, this is my "last" party this extra. From now on, mommy will be giving them grocery-bought cakes and ice cream and a gettogether at the park for their birthdays. I put "last" in quotations because I know myself, and I know I won't want to stop. I did it for Emmalee's 12th birthday December of last year, and I did not like how that felt. I mean: they had fun, they ate cake and ice cream, they played and brought gifts. It just felt wrong. Unfortunately for Kaylee, since I did it once for Emmalee, I will do it once for her, so next birthday she is definitely getting the same treatment. 

Ok, enough rambling! 

I really wanted to make this party special because, as I rambled before, it was the "last" but mainly because it was the first time the CCA friends and the TRAIL friends (her former school and present school) would be together. I wanted to make sure they would have a lot of fun together and be able to mingle. So, I made sure their invitations let them know they were coming to Spy Academy to get them in the proper mindset. 

This party nearly destroyed me! It confirmed that the deal of it being the last wasn't coming from a place of me wanting to stop but of me needing to stop. My health hasn't been the best these past months. I have been really struggling, so if you'd like, please take a moment to say a prayer for me. I am planning on writing a post soon about nearing my 10th year as a cancer survivor and what that has meant for me. Please stay tuned. 

The day started with a disaster when my husband announced he was having a stomachache. My husband is NEVER sick, but when he is it's the end of the world. I was 2 hours late to decorate while I waited for him to feel good enough to drive. (For those who don't know, my eyesight is too poor for me to drive safely.) I hate having to rush to decorate and not having time to get dressed. But things are about to get worse. My husband spent the entire time I was setting up the main table setting up the laser path tent. Kaylee saw how cool the laser path looked and wanted to try it out before the party started. I told hew she would have to wait to do it with her friends as she needed to go home to get dressed and have lunch. My husband, mom, and daughters leave to do that while I stay to set up the remaining games and decorations. It hadn't rained for weeks! The morning had been scorching hot and even dry. And then the rain came. It was not ordinary rain. It was a downpour! 

Let me take you through the events that came next. Emmalee and Rodolfo are bringing the cake from the car. Rodolfo is carrying it while Emmalee is doing her best to shield it from the flood with a windshield cover. They are both bathed and dressed, now getting completely soaked. The cake barely males it to the main table alive. Kaylee is stranded in the car in her party outfit. I put garden trash bags over Emmalee and Rodolfo so they may go to the car to retrieve the remaining party treats and give them an extra bag to bring Kaylee out. The four of us are staring at the entire park soaked while it is still torrentially raining, watching in disbelief at our laser path tent completely flooded, hoping the decorations survive the storm, wondering if anyone will still come to the party, and trying to hold back tears. I feel bad I couldn't at least let Kaylee have a go at laser path and have at least one person enjoy it. Rodolfo tells the girls that if it is only us there, we will make the best of it. It looked that bleak!

I send Rodolfo to get some ice from the store while I am still not done setting up. I had written in the invites to please be punctual, and I am not even dressed. I go to the tent to see if I can save it. It has caved in the middle with a pool of water. Since it is still raining, nothing can be done. I see the first guests arrive. My mortification is complete. Not only am I not dressed, but the hubs forgot to bring my bag of clothes from the car in all the commotion. I am greeting guests in my soaking wet, decoration clothes. The first guest is my new neighbor Marcelina, whose three daughters have become my daughters' best friends. She and the girls get into action to help me finish setting up. Marcelina and her eldest, Ariana, go to the kitchen to pop the popcorn and put it in the decorated containers. Kaylee and Delina help me put the treats on the table, and Emmale and Soraya help me clean out the trash from decorating. 

People keep coming. I am still not dressed, but at this point I no longer care. I am just happy people are still showing up. And a miracle happens. The rain stops. I have lived in Panama for 8 years now. Rain usually doesn't ruin plans here. Rain is expected to be unpredictable. It will rain one second and then be the perfect day the next second. But we know what type of rain is not the one that lets out easily. This was that type of rain. Some parents had been texting me asking if the party would continue because they too knew this was not a rain that would stop. But it did. It stopped out of nowhere. My mom finally brings my bag of clothes, but I want to take a crack at the laser path one more time. I go over and start pulling the tent from the sides to make the water flow out from the center. It was the equivalent of draining a large outdoor pool. Water is flowing all the way up to my calves. I don't care because it is working. The hubs is still not back, so I ask Franklyn to help me tighten the ropes to bring the tent back up. We get it up. I quickly go inside and fix the laser beams. This had taken my husband all morning to set. How did I get it up in like 15 minutes? I do not know! 

And so. the party began!

Because of everything that happened, I did not take a single picture this party. All of these pictures came from the kindness of my friends who knew I would want some shots of the party. Thank you for trying your best. 

Kaylee is dressed like Anya sans the pink wig.

I honestly feel this is the most beautiful cake I have ever made. I kept looking at it in disbelief that I actually made it. It came out just as I imagined it. 

Here it is straight out of the car. You can see how wet the table and the cakestand are. The cake will not make it to the end of the party. Luckily, it was just as good on the inside. 

Because I did not take the pictures, I don't have all the details. Here you can see my Spy X Family plushies. You can see the popcorn, but not the themed containers. You can barely see my mustache cookies. You cannot make out the bagged brownies, but Adriana called them "deliciosisimo."

At least I got one picture of someone with the mustache cookies. Thank you, Mia!

I made several cookie designs, yet this is the only picture I have of them. We had question marks, shoe prints, mustaches, locks, fingerprints, and top-secret cookies. 

I made an Emmalee sign just like this one for her Breath of the Wild party that is still above her bed. Kaylee was so excited to have her own on her bed. Unfortunately, it did not survive the rain. Fortunately, Mom can make a new one. It is the only pic of my Yor and Loyd figurines.

Here is a picture of my backdrop. I painted that one at school with my watercolors. How did that paper survive the storm was another miracle. 

 

Let's continue with the party. I was about to go get dressed when I thought it would be better to start the party and leave the kids doing the first activity. I tell them that I am their commander, and they must address me as "L" for the remainder of the party. I separate them into groups of 4 that I decide. 

Mission 1: get into costume. The kids had been told to bring a costume, but at this point, all I did was ask them to put on glasses.

They look cute!

My amazing spy academy! Every single kid who had been invited, except one that had a family emergency, came.

Mission 2: Pass security check. I made these passports for them to fill out using their secret agent name. 

I used ChatGPT to make this name chart. I modified some of the suggestions because I didn't like all of them. Their agent's name was a red herring, though. I had made the parents fill out a Google sheet with the kid's full name and date of birth.

I got this printable from the International Spy Museum website in their birthday package. It has more cool ideas. 

Inside the passport was a fingerprint chart to fill in using ink pads. They had a lot of fun with this one because I had a multicolored pad. I thought they would use it to print in rainbow patterns. Nope! They took the time to print each finger a different color.

While the kids filled out their passports and fingerprint charts, I was finally able to get dressed. I would be wearing wet sneakers for the rest of the party, but the dry socks did more than I expected. I was feeling much better once my feet were out of the soaking socks for sure!

I had instructed the kids to keep their identity a secret to pass the security check. I had a sheet with me when I was checking each passport. They thought I was checking that they had the proper agent name. I was checking their date of birth. If they put in their real birth date on the passport, they did not pass the check. The kids were flabbergasted when I would announce they didn't pass security. It was a lot of fun. I allowed some time to figure out why they had failed for an extra point for their team. All the agents who failed the check cost their team a point. Kaylee did pass the check, but she looks serious in this picture.

Mission 3: Shooting training

Next, we went to the shooting training where each kid got 3 shots to hit a target to make points for their teams. Valentina was the only girl to get a point, and Jack was the only boy not only to get one point but to get all three shots! Impressive!

These CCA girls are the best! We miss them so much!

Mission 4: Laser beam path

I had this printable for hidden codes that I had put inside the tent when we set it up. These did not survive the water.

I  

I made the spyglasses just like the ones in this picture. I remembered this picture at the party and knew I could remake the hidden message in the laser path using red ink. I got Jackie making those when I finished the security check, and Rodolfo went to set them up while we were in shooting training. In separate pieces of paper, the message said: "The secret code is 05 60 48 72."

They had the spyglasses ready to take their turn. The boys specifically said the spyglass was not needed to read the message. You can see in the picture of the example that you could indeed make out the words without the red decoder. However, because of this, most of the boys read the message as 98 instead of the correct 48 and failed the mission. 

The girls, on the other hand, had the message right but struggled to remember the full code. You can see in this picture that going through the laser beams was not easy. Adri is being watchful of getting the code right through the spyglass. She was my favorite at the party. She never once forgot to call me "L".

Mission 5: Solve the murder mystery!

I got this printable here.

I am putting both of these pages sliced so that it is only a sneak peek. The printable is free, so please follow the link to download for fair use. I asked Pamela to help me put the 6 clues spread through the park. I am glad I hadn't done this when I was setting up, or I would have lost this mission to the rain as I had only one print of each. Each team was given the murder investigation sheet. Each clue was a puzzle they had to solve to find out the suspect, the location, and the murder weapon. I had to help them with 2 of the puzzles, except for Lily's team who solved them all on their own. She is a trained Girl Scout, and it showed. She was upset her team didn't win because the boys on her team got the laser beam code wrong.

Kaylee said she was sad Mr. Chimera was the piñata because she didn't want to hit him. 

She quickly got over that notion. 

Mission 6: Find the secret message in the tunnel.

I can't believe I have no picture of this mission. Not even a hint of it. I placed 5 boxes that the kids could barely go through. I put the boxes inside black garden trash bags and glued them together to make a tunnel. I hot-glued yellow neon cardstock on each box with a message written with a yellow highlighter. I made a blacklight flashlight using a normal flashlight covered in purple and blue sharpie-colored transparent tape. I thought no kid would go through the tunnel. It was flimsy, tight, and hot. Almost all of them went through it! I was so proud when the first agent came out to tell me the secret message: "Hello, my name is Inigo Montoya. You killed my father. Prepare to die." 

And as usual, Mom dies in the end. It was her first time dying barefoot, but I could not withstand the wet sneakers anymore! I have never been more grateful to everyone who helped make this party a reality. Thank you so much!

Marcelina's daughters, Soraya, Delina, and Arian, along with Emmalee, made this poster for Kaylee. We are truly blessed.

Dear Kaylee, 

You are 11! Will I still be able to call you my baby? Absolutely! You will be my baby until the end of my life. I never thought I would understand the meaning of fragile strength or loud silence. You are quiet but not shy. You are strong but always kind. It's such a wonder to see you be you. Please continue being unapologetically you. I fear the pressure of teen life approaching. You have been immune to it longer than your sister. I just don't want to see you change who you are for someone else. Although I must admit, child, you need to care about what others think in some circumstances. Your stinky feet need to stay away from me.

You are following in the footsteps of your sister on the volleyball team, but you have the unique quality that you were thrust onto the stage much quicker with higher necessity. Your sister had the advantage of having teammates she could learn from while supporting them from the bench. You started in a smaller team that had to send you to the trenches from the start. You basically started as a varsity player. You are so fast and energetic that your dad and I have been encouraging you to become the libero. From the card above, I can see that the idea has borne fruit in your heart. We will support you as well.

Baby, I am so sorry for having to change schools. Your friends from CCA are simply the best. Leaving your class was the hardest thing because every one of your classmates was pure gold. The fact that everyone showed up to your flooded party shows how much love there is. I am so glad you have a beautiful group at TRAIL as well. You had your first Spanish spelling bee, and you did amazing. I was incredibly proud of you. You misspelled a word on stage and went back to your seat, and burst in tears. Emmalee was about to run to console you when she saw that all your classmates were already enveloping you with hugs and words of encouragement. You did so well on your history presentation talking about Honduras. You have grown so much academically and socially. 

We have had our hard times this year. You are still struggling to be truthful, even after you have seen how much trouble you get into when you are not. I have to say that I love how I have seen your heart grow into a contrite heart. Baby, keep asking the Lord, as I do, to create in you a clean heart. He is the only One Who can free us from the chains of sin. Don't give up just because it hasn't come naturally to you. You belong to your Father, the way, the truth, and the life, and not to the father of lies. I have seen you grow in repentance and confession. These are not simple or easy things to learn. Do not be ashamed of them. Everything that happens, if we use it to come closer to our Redeemer, is worth it. 

I have loved having devotionals with you every week. I would worry if you were taking them seriously because you also struggled to find the motivation to continue going to Crosswalk. But you have taken your journaling earnestly seeking to hear His Word and obey. You are getting ready for your second mission trip, this time to Parara Puru. Oh, baby, mommy has been very nervous about this one. It will be the first time you go anywhere without Mom. I have thought of not letting you go, but I have heard the Holy Spirit rebuke me, telling me you don't belong to me; You belong to Him. You were made to follow Him and do His work wherever you go. I must relinquish you. I am praying long and hard that you will be ok, and you will also have fun and serve those around you. Be the light on a hill, my darling. That is what we were made for. 

I love you, Kaylee. I love you forever.

Mom

Pastor Bob, Hope Profession PhD

Our church will be celebrating Pastor Bob's life this Sunday, September 5th. You can tune in on our Youtube channel Crossroads Bible Church, 8 am in Spanish and 11 am in English. 

For the past 4 years of my life I've had the wonderful privilege of sitting on Pastor Bob's Sunday school. You know what this Sunday school has meant to me and what it has done for my faith, for I have written Pastor Bob's name on my blog several times as you can read here, here, here, and here. My dearest Pastor Bob went to his eternal home last Tuesday, August 24, 2021 the very day he was celebrating his 59th wedding anniversary with his much beloved Mary. 

Can a man depart from this earth having only positive things said about him from everyone that surrounded him? My Pastor Bob has proven you can. But what do these positive things being said about him do? Point to Jesus. 

If I had to use only two words to describe Pastor Bob, I would use the words DUTY and LOVE. 

Let's start with the first word, Duty. 

I met Pastor Bob during a time when I was heavily struggling with my physical health still recovering from the blast of chemo and radio and all the surgeries that stripped my body from normal function. But, I was very comfortable letting all that be "justification" for my lack of service or my lack of character. Who can blame me? Who can ask more of me after all I had suffered? At first, my heart was hardened by the "no one understands me" thought that also comfortably allowed me to be cynical with others. And then I met Pastor Bob. Pastor Bob not only could understand me; he could rebuke me. And rebuke me he did. He had been living with cancer for the past 9 years when I met him. He knew all about the pain of chemo (constant chemo in his case), the pain of neuropathy (which in his case was so severe compared to mine that he described the sensation in his feet as walking on stumps.). He understood alright! And that gave me an instant connection to him. In those first years, he and Mary would check up on me constantly which made me feel so absolutely loved. There was something about both of them that just drew you in, something in their smile, in the way they talked to you, in the way they looked at you. My mentor Diane said it perfectly on our remembrance meeting last Sunday. She said, "Bob had the special ability of making you feel like you were his favorite... And then you realized he made everyone feel that too." It was exactly like I would have described it. I felt his favorite. And then I learned others felt that too, which was kind of heartbreaking, hehe. Can you imagine having that ability of making those who surround you feel like you are their favorite person? It was Pastor Bob's super power. When I started at church, I signed up for a Sunday school class in Spanish that was taught in the main hall. I liked it, but it wasn't what I was looking for. There was this one time when I had just started serving in the music ministry that I was feeling very sleepy, and I wanted to take a nap between church meetings (which is when Sunday school takes place.) I found a dark corner in a room next to the main hall, and there I heard it for the first time: Pastor Bob's Sunday school.  My dear Diane, who I still didn't know closely, was attending it, which drew my attention further because I also wanted to find a way to get close to her. Everyone was participating and talking, which didn't happen in my other class. I knew in my heart that was the place for me to be. It had been a long time since I had desired Biblical instruction and had received it more in the obligated sense. I longed for my Sunday school classes where Pastor Bob would break down verse by verse of the book we were reading and sometimes only cover 5 verses per class. And there I learned about his duty, which he made it clear was my duty. Pastor Bob didn't believe in wasting your time, wasting your emotions, wasting your resources. "Your duty is to the Kingdom, to God, and the gospel," he would teach. He certainly had lived that way during his entire life as a missionary to various tribes in Panama and in his service as main pastor to our church. But his duty had not ended with cancer or a "more mature age". He kept on his work with "Juntos Podemos Curundu" which he presided over. He kept on his small group and his Sunday school. Very few understood what his health struggles were because he never once showed them, complained about them, or allowed that to stop him from his duty of living everyday for Christ. But I knew. I knew the chronic pain he must have endured for almost a decade. I knew the fatigue of chemo, the impotence of a body that you no longer count on or know, the stubbornness of wanting to be normal when your body is broken. Pastor Bob was nicknamed "Bob the builder" rightfully so, but his family would have wanted him to stop his building prowess for the sake of his body. Watching his unbreakable peace, undeniable joy, and his unrelenting trust in his Savior were a constant slap in my faith to "snap out of it." 

Hebrews 10:23 Let us hold tightly without wavering to the hope we affirm, for God can be trusted to keep his promise.

Pastor Bob certainly lived this verse. My struggles were all that were before me back then. Pastor Bob would call me over and over again to put Jesus before me. And if I was complacent in my sin because "I'm in pain", Pastor Bob would not let that slide. He would call me to fulfill the duty I was called on to do: live as for the Lord. 

1 Corinthians 13 1If I could speak all the languages of earth and of angels, but didn’t love others, I would only be a noisy gong or a clanging cymbal. 2 If I had the gift of prophecy, and if I understood all of God’s secret plans and possessed all knowledge, and if I had such faith that I could move mountains, but didn’t love others, I would be nothing. 3 If I gave everything I have to the poor and even sacrificed my body, I could boast about it;[a] but if I didn’t love others, I would have gained nothing.

This chapter in the Word is very well-known. The love chapter. But I feel it perfectly described my dearest Pastor Bob too. Here are other things said about him during our remembrance meeting last Sunday: "Bob was a rescuer. He lived what he believed, and believed in what he lived. He loved to be a fisherman, but was also a fisher of man. A chocolate lover." That last one made me happy, because he once told me my chocolate cake was his favorite chocolate cake in the world. I'll be making that cake for my birthday celebration this weekend. Some tears will most certainly fall after making it, for I always sought to save a piece for my dear Pastor Bob. "My doctor says I shouldn't eat that, but your cake really tempts me," is what he said the last time I brought a piece to our Sunday school for him. I knew what that meant. This was pre-pandemic. Bob's love for people was very on the nose. He couldn't hide it. My dear Tia Mercedes would tell me stories of discussions she would have with Bob about Juntos Podemos. "He needs to be tougher," she would say, "but he loves too much." Tia Mercedes would never miss a day of Sunday school and would make me accountable if I missed it. The Lord certainly has surrounded me with the most amazing people that I needed to be surrounded by. I wish I would have taken up my tia´s invitation to go to Bob's small group. I missed the past two months of Bob's Sunday school because I had volunteered to serve in the kid's combined Sunday school for those months. I had felt in my heart my time was running out and asked Miss Zuly if I could miss my last day of combined Sunday school to be on Bob's class. That class was taught by Selwyn, Diane's husband. I had indeed missed my chance. I thought I had more time. I really did. Bob made you believe it. Even to the end, he wouldn't let out how bad it was and what it meant that he kept on teaching us. I take solace that the last months we had been recording the Sunday school, and I can still watch him. I wished I had had more years with him like most of our Sunday class did. I got four years. I could have had 30 years, and it would not have been enough. I love Pastor Bob and his wife Mary with all my heart. Please pray for Mary. I can't fathom what it's like to lose my life's partner of 59 years. Pray for her health that has also been in decline the past two years. I am overjoyed to know Bob is finally home pain-free, cancer-free, with his new body ready to build again. 

I titled this post: Pastor Bob, Hope Profession PhD because I think that is what Bob's profession was: hope. I had lived without hope after cancer for a long time. Bob showed me it was possible to live with cancer and have a PhD in hope. He lived what he believed indeed! Here are more verse that describe how Pastor Bob lived:

 Romans 5 5 And hope does not put us to shame, because God’s love has been poured out into our hearts through the Holy Spirit, who has been given to us.

Romans 15 13 May the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace as you trust in him, so that you may overflow with hope by the power of the Holy Spirit.

Romans 8 24 For in this hope we were saved. But hope that is seen is no hope at all. Who hopes for what they already have? 25 But if we hope for what we do not yet have, we wait for it patiently.

18 Proverbs 23 17 For surely there is a hereafter,
And your hope will not be cut off.

Romans 12 12 Be joyful in hope, patient in affliction, faithful in prayer.

Pictures by @ruthysworld

Selwyn ended our meeting with this verse and I want to end on it too:

Revelations 1 1 The revelation from Jesus Christ, which God gave him to show his servants what must soon take place. He made it known by sending his angel to his servant John, 2 who testifies to everything he saw—that is, the word of God and the testimony of Jesus Christ. 3 Blessed is the one who reads aloud the words of this prophecy, and blessed are those who hear it and take to heart what is written in it, because the time is near.

Can you prevent a suicide?

  Wow! That is one heavy question to begin a post with. 

One that I have been pondering about for many years and which plagued my mind last night. You see, I have a friend who converted a cargo van into a camper van and has been sharing her family vacations this summer on Instagram. I started daydreaming of one day doing my own van conversion, and I’ve been binge watching van conversion videos and tours on Youtube. Van life seems so perfect: low cost of living, life on the road, freedom to travel. Vanlifers seemed to have it all. I was watching a couple who had done several iterations of their van conversions making sure to add space for guests because their female friend had joined them before and slept on the floor. Their new van even included a bed for her, and she even appeared on the video showing off the new guest bed. I saw some videos where the three of them lived in the van because most vanlifers don’t have kids. My dream van would have to accommodate more than two.  I watched with wonderment how easy they made it look being crammed in that small space with a tiny compartment composting toilet. They seemed to get along well, and their videos were endearing. And then on the side videos was a small thumbnail with the title “For Lee”. Lee was this female guest. She had a channel of her own documenting her own female solo van build. On March 26, 2021 Lee Macmillan took her own life.

 

I was dazed. How could this have happened? She was 28, young, beautiful, perfect body, perfect smile, seemed to have amazing friends and family, amazing life plans. To me, she had it all. I wasn’t expecting to have my innocent van conversion binging confront me with this post’s question. The video “For Lee” had a warning at the beginning of the video explaining the subject covered and warning against triggers. It is no secret to anyone who has read my blog before that I am one of those people triggered.

 

The way some were perceiving Lee’s story made me mad. The first thing that comes to mind to many when they hear about suicide is “How could she have been so selfish? Why didn’t she seek help?” Well, Lee had been very vocal and candid about her struggle with mental health, anxiety, and depression. I’ve written about PastorAndrew Stoecklin  in this blog before. I also followed the story of Pastor Jarrid Wilson, who not only was open about his depression and mental health struggles but ran an outreach group he founded called “Anthem of Hope” to help others like him struggling with depression and anxiety. Jarrid fought to end the stigma on opening up about your thoughts and show how dangerous depression is. His struggle was so intense that he took his life a day before World Suicide Prevention Day. This was his last message on Twitter:

“Loving Jesus doesn’t always cure suicidal thoughts. Loving Jesus doesn’t always cure depression. Loving Jesus doesn’t always cure PTSD. Loving Jesus doesn’t always cure anxiety. But that doesn’t mean Jesus doesn’t offer us companionship and comfort. He ALWAYS does that.” I know many, many Christians who would disagree with Jarrid’s post.

 

All three: Lee, Andrew, and Jarrid had sought professional and pharmaceutical help, had opened up not only to close ones about their thoughts but also to their huge online following, and depression still ended their lives. If you think this was done out of selfishness, please let me know so that I can take you out of my life.

 

I have opened up in person and online about my depression. After Pastor Andrew’s death I even took his wife’s advice that “If anyone even mentions the word suicide, you take it seriously.” She never thought her husband would take his life having all the support he had and raising three small boys. I went straight to my husband and said, “I need you to take it seriously if I ever say the word suicide.” It is only after the matter that people take it seriously. This was a sentiment expressed by many “For Lee’ videos.

 

Back in October 2020, I told my friend Jackie that my depression was getting out of hand. She knew we had also been struggling financially so she offered to give me a stipend of $100 every month so I could afford my antidepressants. I was shocked someone would take my struggle so seriously to be willing to invest in my mental health. Jackie footed that bill for four months. When my mom found employment in February, she took over my antidepressant bill. I was able to begin my weaning process in April and finished the long process in June 2021, just last month.   

 

My struggles with depression have been well documented on this blog, as was my struggle with breast cancer. My cancer posts have more than 3,000 views. My depression posts get at the most 100. Yet, 100 people read my last post. How many who of those 100 who read that weaning off my antidepressants caused me suicide thoughts do you think reached out to me to see if I am doing better? Yup, you probably guessed it! Zero. Most who read this blog know me personally or know me online. Most who do read such heavy posts are close friends and family. None have reached out to ask if I am still having these thoughts. I don’t blame you. We don’t know how to address these issues. My husband struggles especially because he hasn’t personally experienced depression. He says he doesn’t know what to say or do. One time I scolded him and said, “If you don’t know, read! Pick up a book and learn. You don’t have to know it all, but you can be better prepared and be more knowledgeable on what to say or do.” He took me up on that advice and began reading about PTSD, chronic fatigue syndrome, hypothyroidism, neuropathy, and depression and anxiety, all of which his lovely wife of 35 years old suffers from. You probably didn’t reach out because you think my close friends and family are already on it. This should be the case, and I am happy to report it is my case. This is not always the case. Make sure. Heard someone talk about suicide? Take it seriously. Serious enough to show up at their home. Serious enough to give them a call not just a text. Serious enough to inquire about the professional help they’re seeking and if there isn’t any, making sure they get it and helping them out to get it.

 

Lee’s ex boyfriend’s video was especially hard to watch. He mentions that he knew Lee had been cyberbullied and that the hate comments about their split were affecting her. He says he regrets not stepping up to stop the trolls and to make sure Lee was ok. He ends his video saying how he has to live with the regret that he knows he could have done more to try to save her life. Don’t let this be your story. Lee’s friends and family have been doing a wonderful job at creating awareness with the hashtag #speakUpForLee.  I hope this post was not a trigger for anyone. If you are having suicidal thoughts, please know you are not alone. You are not alone in the struggle, you are not alone in having these thoughts, and you are not alone in this life. I’ve had friends call me from miles away in the brink of breaking, and I have been able to be there with them even if through an electronic device. This can be the difference between life and death.

 

Covid has made the suicide problem much worse. Kids are needing psychiatric help much younger. Social distancing is harder for others that rely on social interaction for stability. Reach out now more than ever. If anyone came to mind while reading this post, check up on them today!

 

Here are some numbers for help I found in Honduras and Panama.

 

Honduras:

Telefono Esperanza

0558 08 08 / 150 (Admón 2232-2707)

 

Panama:

líneas de apoyo:

✅Línea de apoyo psicológico: 169.

✅Instituto Nacional de Salud Mental: 512-6800.

✅911.

 

I am happy to report my suicide thoughts from my chemical imbalance due to the weaning process are gone. I am back to reading my Bible every day, doing yoga once or twice a day, going to bed at decent hours and waking up early, taking the girls to the park more often, and making plans for the future. That is pretty much my good mental health state!

Here are some pics of my devotional verses. Taking the time each morning to write them down has been a huge help in getting my mind into the right thoughts (duh! my mind on th Word is best) and releasing any bad energies by simply doing a little art. 

Deliverance from Death

       I am not one to read the Bible where it opened. I'm systematic. I know what I am reading, or I know what I want to read when I want to read something other than what I am systematically reading. But today I read my Bible where it opened. I don't like being the superstitious kind that thinks everything is a sign and when things align it's "God talking to me." But I guess this kind of thinking is prideful and closing me up to look beyond what the eye can see. After reading my friend Diane's book God in the Meantime, I am trying to seek more God's voice like she often did. And I have to say, today I heard His voice so loudly I want to share it with you. 

    My Bible opened to Psalm 116. As a systematic reader that often reads something in the Old Testament and something in the New with some Proverbs and Psalms sprinkled in there most days, I have read Psalms many times in my lifetime. I often overlook them as profound chapters until I study how many times Jesus and other men in the Bible quotes them. After today's reading, I have to take a closer look at Psalms. Before I go into the Psalm, let me tell you what's been going on with me. 

    I have shared how I am taking antidepressants because I suffer from clinical depression. Clinical depression, which has a very physical component due to chemical imbalances in my brain exacerbated by normal everyday problems, is a mental and emotional disorder that is a recognized illness and takes just as many lives as cancer does. This has been the longest I've been on antidepressants taking them since October of last year. I usually take antidepressants when my depression is getting into the "heightened desire or thoughts of suicide" stage that you always hear on antidepressant medication commercials. I always wait until it gets really bad before I seek medical and pharmaceutical help. I've been fighting the stigma on my disease by being timelier in getting the help I need so that I don't let things go too far. But! I don't let myself be on the medication for too long for fear of creating dependency. And so, I am weaning off my antidepressant. I've been steadily feeling better and getting a better grip on my mental and emotional health, so I felt the time to go off the meds was now. The problem with this is that weaning off of these types of medication is dangerous and hard. The doctors warn you that weaning off of them will bring about suicidal thoughts. "This seems crazy. How can me not taking a medication make me think of killing myself?" Well, they're not lying. It's insane. The thoughts come out of nowhere and for absolutely no reason. This begs the question: Should I wean myself from them? Let's answer that question after going into the Psalms. The Psalms was titled "Thanksgiving for Deliverance from Death."

Psalm 116

Verse 1 and 2: 

I love the Lord, because He has heard
My voice and my supplications.
2 Because He has inclined His ear to me,
Therefore I will call upon Him as long as I live.

    This first verse gripped my attention. It doesn't say "He answered my supplications. He gave me what I asked." It says, "He heard me," and this was reason enough for the psalmist to decide to call upon Him as long as he lived. I wrote in my previous post how unanswered prayer has really tested my faith. And here the psalmist is telling me he loves Him for the mere fact that He listens to his supplications... 

6 

Verse 6 - 9: 

The Lord preserves the simple;
I was brought low, and He saved me.
7 Return to your rest, O my soul,
For the Lord has dealt bountifully with you. 

For You have delivered my soul from death,
My eyes from tears,
And my feet from falling.
9 I will walk before the Lord.

    I often battle with my feelings about my cancer because I wish it had never happened and I am eternally grateful it did. It changed me. It brought me low, real low. My friends laugh when I share with them, I am a "reformed pharisee", but I am. I grew up in a church that created division and classes according to "maturity" and "sanctity." It looked down on the "lukewarm Christians" and I was taught to be and act this way. I wondered what the Bible commentary on "simple" had to say. 

“The simple; sincere and plain-hearted persons, who dare not use those frauds and crafty and wicked artifices in saving themselves or destroying their enemies but wait upon God with honest hearts in his way and for his time of deliverance. Such persons he calls simple or foolish, as this word is commonly rendered, not because they are really so, but because the world esteems them so.” (Poole) 

“Not only is God gracious, but he is also gracious to the little people, to the plain, to commoners, to the everyday person on the bus or in the shop – to people like the psalmist. That is one of the great glories of our God. When Jesus called his disciples, he called fishermen and tax collectors. When the angels announced the birth of Jesus, they appeared to shepherds.” (Boice)

    When I consider Jesus, He would have sat with the other group in my church and not with the "mature group" I belonged to. Cancer stripped me of any pride about myself, about my body, about my mental capacities, about my Christian maturity, about my youth or physical abilities. It broke me completely where I could not depend on anything I could do and solely cry out to the Lord in my need with absolutely nowhere else to go. Do you know what a gift that is? As I got better and better, I tried with all my might to hold on to that feeling and total dependance, but my humanity came back!  

    The psalmist was delivered from death. I was delivered from death. If you have been here, you know I struggle with survivor's guilt. "Of course, he can sing to the Lord! He was spared. But what about the others?" is usually my first thought. Let's see what the psalm keeps saying:

Verse 12 and 13: 

12 What shall I render to the Lord
For all His benefits toward me?
13 I will take up the cup of salvation,

And call upon the name of the Lord. 

 

    Pastor Bob said something that has been replaying over and over in my head these past weeks of weaning: "Jesus paid it all for us. There is nothing that can take our Salvation away from us. We are saved. We have the gift of eternal life. With that alone, we should live the most joyful lives ever. We have nothing to worry about anymore ever again!" I believe this is what it means to "take up the cup of salvation." What else can I do for all the benefits God has bestowed upon me than to live in gratitude!  

Verse 15: 

15 Precious in the sight of the Lord

Is the death of His saints. 

 

    I thought long and hard on this verse. How had I not studied it before? What does it mean? I prayed God to speak to me like I haven't in a long time. "He loves my children far more than I could ever love them," is one of the most comforting thoughts I have when I consider the lives of my girls don't rest solely on what I do. He is at work in their lives far beyond than I. If they were to die, it would hurt Him more than it would hurt me. God's saints (His children adopted through the blood of Jesus Christ) are precious to Him. Here the psalmist recognizes he was spared from death, but knows death is a reality to many of God's saints. Their death doesn’t go over God's head. He knows. He is there. He holds them. This is why I have been learning to stop "putting things in perspective." You often do this when you want to lessen your feelings about something. "I am in chronic pain but at least I am not a quadriplegic." "I lost my job due to Covid but at least I haven't lost a loved one." Putting things in perspective to lessen your pain doesn't work and only hurts. They come from lies from Satan. For me, the lies were "How could you be spared, and Kara Tippets wasn't?" And these lies become worse when you try to view your personal relationship with God from what happens to others. This is often the case I see in those who profess to be atheist. "How can you say God is loving with all the hurt, killing, illness, poverty, and injustice you see around the world?" These atheists usually come from a good background and have not personally experienced what they profess to be the reasons not to believe in God. And the people who have actually experienced them are usually the first to cry out and cling to God. It goes back to the point of being simple. I can only view God from His personal dealing with me, and His personally dealing with me was deliverance. And to those that wasn't, precious is to Him. I will only know how precious is to Him when I myself walk through the doorstep of death and feel His love and comfort and being held in that moment by Him. This takes me back to the time I was on my cancer treatment, and I suffered from unshakable joy and trust and faith. I'm telling you the best thing that ever happened to me!

 

    I am weaning off my meds. I was having the most wonderful girls' night with the best friends the body of Christ could have gifted me with here in Panama, Jackie and Tita, and I couldn't stop knitting while sharing with them the Friends' Reunion because I was scared that if I stopped knitting anxiety would take over me. Anxiety that I am experiencing for the mere fact of weaning. I was having the most wonderful family trip eating at a lovely seaside restaurant and thoughts of "you should kill yourself" came to my mind for the mere fact of weaning. It's insane. The difference between me before treatment and me now is that before I would desire these thoughts and fully embrace them. Now, I strike them back with the words of Pastor Bob; I take up the cup of salvation. I fully reject those thoughts! And, slowly the thoughts come less and less, and I open my Bible more and more! 

I accept my deliverance from death and praise God for it instead of questioning Him on why me. 

I open my eyes to see how bountifully the Lord has dealt with me.

 

We found this wild beach close to the San Lorenzo fort in Colon. It was such a great trip with mom out for the first time since her surgery last October.

Family pic at the fort!

My mom was finally able to walk since breaking her pinkie toe three months ago!

Friends Reunion girls' night with Tita and Jackie. We loved having Francia over too!

Second trip to Colon!

I love this man!

Alyla, as my daughters call my mom, is so happy to come with us again. Emmalee said she had been waiting for family trips to come back and spent the night telling her grandparents in Honduras every detail of the trip.

Finally went to the Canal expansion visitor center!

He had been waiting long to finally visit. He was the happiest!

    Oh, how bountiful the Lord is with me!