This Side of Heaven

Since January 6, 2017, I have not been living my life in gratitude. In fact, since that day, I have not wanted to or had a desire to pray and give thanks to the Lord. I have done it, even feeling a little hypocrite when doing so and going as far as not even believing what I was saying, Some might right away recognize the date. It was the day Kinsley took her last breath on this earth. It was the day my heart went numb. It was the day I started viewing this life on earth as "This side of hell."

I have struggled with this numb heart trying to revive it. I have gone to counseling, therapy, worship CDs in vain. I had a heart of rock. I even wondered if I had lost faith in God. All His truths were still my truths (which by the way is the only truth, but not everyone lives by them) and I knew He was faithful and would rekindle my heart and incline it to His.

In an effort to expose my heart to rekindling experiences, I enrolled in my Panamanian church Crossroads Bible Church's women's conference "Unconditional Love." On the first night, I was happily surprised the guest speaker, Julie Trandhal, began the conference by explaining that, while the Cross did prove God's unconditional love for us and the worth God places on us (by the price He paid for it), the main purpose of the Cross is the glory of His name. Therefore, we must never lose sight of our main purpose in life is the glory of His name. She went on to give her testimony and stir us to answer God's calling for our lives. Julie had no idea of the tears of desperation that flowed down my eyes that night, desperation to reconnect with God.

The next day, the morning speaker was a local girl. During lunch break, Julie and I crossed paths in the restroom waiting in line. At the time, I had no idea why Julie spoke to me. She had no way of knowing I spoke English or, more surprisingly, no way of knowing I wanted to talk to her. The way she looked at me made me feel she did. I opened up to her and told her my story. I told her how my cancer story had stirred me to glorify God with all my might. Kinsley's story was different for me. It made me question "why" and feel separated from Him. I told her of my numb heart with no fire inside burning.

Julie told me she had no answers (which I loved hearing). She just asked me if she could pray for me. She grabbed my hands and started praying. She asked that God would turn my heart of stone into a heart of flesh with a burning desire for His Kingdom, that He was capable of healing my heart, that He would not give me answers in this "Side of Heaven" but He could use me for His glory. She told me my walk of faith was harder because I was walking it in obedience despite of my disbelief, but God would restore in my heart His presence so I could once again feel His love. I cried the whole time.

She did share with me John 10:10 and reminded me who had come to kill and fill us with disease.

John 10:10

10 The thief comes only to steal and kill and destroy; I have come that they may have life, and have it to the full.

As I pondered on the verse and found solace in it, Satan the accuser whispered on my ear: "I came to kill, but you asked "in Jesus' name."  He could have saved her if He had wanted to but chose to say 'No'." And then my mind went to the time Emmalee asked me about Kinsley; after all, she was with me when I prayed for Kinsley every night.

"Why are you cying, mom?" asked Emmalee.
"Because Kinsley died," I replied.
"What does that mean?" she asked.
"It means she went to be with Jesus."
Her eyes widened with bewilderment.
"She can see Jesus?"
This has been puzzling for her, as she often asks why Jesus can see and hear her, but she can't.
"Yes, baby. She is living with Jesus."
"But where?"
"Well, Jesus said He is preparing a house for each of us."
"Then why are you sad?"
The next day, she told everyone who crossed her path that Jesus had a house for her.
"Jesus is making me a house!" she would exclaim.
I thought you had to teach ending entonation, but she instinctively knows how to ask a question and make an exclamation. Just picture her excitement for a minute and imagine her voice: "I will live with Jesus in my house!"

Oh, if we really were like children. No, Satan, you won't be victorious. He came to give Kinsley life and she IS living it abundantly, more than we can imagine.

In the last sermon of the conference, Julie spoke of this life as a "side of heaven" because it is our only chance to do something for His glory. This is our ONLY chance to be His hands and feet. That is glorious! To live for Him and His glory is the greatest glory we can have in this life. And then Julie shared how her calling to glorify Him was to open her eyes and ears to women around her that need to be listened and encouraged. She even shared how God gave her that opportunity that very same day while in line to the restroom (remember how I told you I had felt weird that she spoke to me? Well, it was weird because I felt our meeting had been intentional) by meeting a new friend and said my name. When your eyes are in the Lord and in this being your one chance to live it for Him, it is definitely a side of Heaven.

I am walking this rocky road still not knowing how. It is a bumpy road with ups and downs that make me want to get off. There is grief in my heart and so many questions. Julie encouraged us to change our "whys" which won't be answered in this side of Heaven into "who" Who we can know certainly in Who we wait on.

I leave you with this song. I could barely hold my tears and my breath.

To Those Who Wait

There are many, many things I NEED to do.
I emphasize the word need to strongly claim these things I MUST do, not wish I could or hope I can.
In my piling list of needs there are also wants/needs that although I could live without, I wish I didn't have to.
My heart has been really tested as I didn't see how I was going to get anything on the list done.

I need:
1. To finally get healthy. I´ve been sick for almost two months now and it´s taking a toll on my family, my body, and my finances, not to mention I worry on the toll it might be taking on my unborn child.
2.  I need to fix our car. When we took it to the mechanic we were hoping for an easy and inexpensive fix. No win there. The fix is gonna cost me $400. With all the medical bills from being sick so long and going to the doctor so much, I don't even have enough money to make it to the end of the month, let alone fix the car.
3. I need to find a new place to live. The house I´m renting is no longer available and I need to move as soon as possible. We found a house that meets our needs better than out actual house, except that I have to pay the first month of rent plus the deposit. If I don´t have money to fix the car, I have even less to pay that deposit.
4. I need to go to the gynecologist to check on my baby and I need to take Emmalee to the pediatrician.  I need to inscribe Emmalee on the medical insurance I get from school but for that I need a birth certificate. I was going to get one last Wednesday that I had no work but our dear president declared it a holiday because the Honduran team classified to the world cup. I was also going to go to the public health hospital to get the baby checked because my medical insurance doesn´t cover maternity but the holiday also interfered with that. And now with no car and those places closed on the weekends I don´t know when I´ll be able to do either.
5. I need to find my dogs a new home. (Pause for small sobbing time) The new place doesn´t allow pets. I´ve been spending time with them and imagining my life without them and it´s a hard blow.

I want/need:
1. A carefree day. Seriously. It doesn´t need to be a luxurious getaway. I just need a day where all my troubles don`t follow me around.
2. To sell many stuff I can´t take to the new place (beds, tables, and more)
3. To talk to the school of the possibility of offering tutoring services.
4. Enough money to be able to save for my child´s birth.
5. Find helpers for the move. (I´m hoping this won´t be hard to do and my brothers and sisters in Christ will be there like they always are.)
5. I really want to see that baby darn it!
6. To be kinder and nicer to my loving husband who has been nothing but patient with me.

Things really piled up this month and it´s felt like an avalanche of bad piled over bad.
I was goofing off making Emmalee laugh. She was giggling so hard oblivious of her parents struggles and I felt at peace. I don´t have a place to live or a car or health, but my baby is able to laugh and giggle and she is healthy and happy. It makes it all worth it.

I´ve obviously been crying out to the Lord for help and relief.
This verse is forever on my mind on times like this:
Psalms 46:10
 He says, “Be still, and know that I am God;
 I will be exalted among the nations,
 I will be exalted in the earth.”

Be still and know that I am God. Such powerful words. It reminds me of when my friend Joseph used to say: "Do you tell God how big your problems are or do you tell your problems how big is your God?"
God is able and He is good. 
The verse brought me to the song "To Those Who Wait" by Bethany Dillon; it has been my battle song this month. 
Here is my rendition of the song:

The Lord is always at work and He is always faithful. 
Can I brag at the fact that I am finally learning to rest in Him? Finally not doing it on my strength and truly trusting Him! 
Rodol was feeling a little overwhelmed and I reminded him of the same words he had used to help me: "Don´t be a Thomas. Don´t wait to see Jesus risen with your own eyes to believe." and I also added: "Has He ever forsaken us? Hasn't He always taken care of us even when there seems to be no way? Why am I going to believe this time He will fail? Isn't that diminishing the faithfulness He has always shown?" 
It has been hard on him. It´s been good because we´ve been having praying sessions like we haven´t had in a while. How wonderful to seek the Lord together and bring our weakness and brokenness to the foot of the Cross.

I like that the song includes this verse:
Romans 7:24
O wretched man that I am! Who will deliver me from this body of death? ²⁵ I thank God—through Jesus Christ our Lord!

It is not pretty when we are being tested. It´s not pretty with your spouse who watches you complain or wake up cranky or cry in tearful desperation. It´s not pretty before the Lord Who knows your thoughts and your inner questioning. This body of death of mine, although it knows of God´s greatness, is weak and sinful and continuously fails. I thank God through Jesus Christ and I praise Him for making His mercies new every morning. 

The song took me to lamentations 3. Oh how appropriate this scripture was for me. Read this masterful piece of the precious Bible:

Lamentations 3

¹⁹ Remember my affliction and my wanderings,
    the wormwood and the gall!
²⁰ My soul continually remembers it
    and is bowed down within me.
²¹ But this I call to mind,
    and therefore I have hope:

²² The steadfast love of the Lord never ceases;^[b]
    his mercies never come to an end;
²³ they are new every morning;
    great is your faithfulness.
²⁴ “The Lord is my portion,” says my soul,
    “therefore I will hope in him.”

²⁵ The Lord is good to those who wait for him,
    to the soul who seeks him.
²⁶ It is good that one should wait quietly
    for the salvation of the Lord.
²⁷ It is good for a man that he bear
    the yoke in his youth.

²⁸ Let him sit alone in silence
    when it is laid on him;
²⁹ let him put his mouth in the dust—
    there may yet be hope;
³⁰ let him give his cheek to the one who strikes,
    and let him be filled with insults.

³¹ For the Lord will not
    cast off forever,
³² but, though he cause grief, he will have compassion
    according to the abundance of his steadfast love;
³³ for he does not afflict from his heart
    or grieve the children of men.

³⁴ To crush underfoot
    all the prisoners of the earth,
³⁵ to deny a man justice
    in the presence of the Most High,
³⁶ to subvert a man in his lawsuit,
    the Lord does not approve.

³⁷ Who has spoken and it came to pass,
    unless the Lord has commanded it?
³⁸ Is it not from the mouth of the Most High
    that good and bad come?
³⁹ Why should a living man complain,
    a man, about the punishment of his sins?

⁴⁰ Let us test and examine our ways,
    and return to the Lord!
⁴¹ Let us lift up our hearts and hands
    to God in heaven
I haven't been able to go check on the baby or take Emmalee on her monthly check. We will have to rest in the Lord that both of them are well and healthy, and I truly believe they are and I am not worried. I just have a really strong desire to see my baby´s heart beating and his developing body u_u

My mom helped us with the money for the car and my sister helped us with the money for the deposit (Bless them!). I hope to have our car back soon and the contract to our new rental soon. 
I am confident my girls Terry and Lanky will find a good home where they are cared for and loved. Emmalee wants so bad to say Terry she says YYYYYY everytime she sees any of my dogs. She really likes them and they are kind and caring with her. I´m sad to let them go but I have two babies to think of. 

I truly believe all the changes we are suffering are for the best.
He truly does more in my waiting than in my doing, though I would say that He does more in my trusting His work than in my trying to do it myself, which is why He continuously teaches me to wait. I´m glad I wait on a faithful God with a steadfast love.

Check out the Spanish version I made for this song here.

DIY Fabulous Rocking chair for nursery plus Over the Rainbow video!

As you all may know, I'm a lover of all things DIY. 

It had been a dream of mine to do a DIY project with the hubby and it finally came true. 

I had pinned this chair transformation since I had a similar glidder, but I really like my traditional country looking glidder, so we decided to restore it. 

Here is our first DIY project together:

 This is with what we started off. 

My Aunt had bought this old glidder at the market and never got around to restoring it. 

I'm tackling my very first sewing project, Crossing fingers it goes well. 

The top pillow turned out great!

 The hubs is so meticulous he took the glidder apart and cleaned every single piece. 

 This is what it looked like. The hubs sanded by hand every piece for two days!!!!

Here's a side view of the old thing.

And here it is after paint and back together

And this is how it looks with the new pillows I made.

Doesn't it look beautiful??!!!

As you can guess, I'm overjoyed!!!! :)

And I thought I'd try it out and do some baby rocking while singing some lullaby!

Please don't be harsh on me.

Here is a video of me singing Over the Rainbow on my new rocking chair! Oh the songs I'll sing to my daughter! I might feel encouraged to post the lullaby I created! We'll see :) 

Hello 2012!!!

I wanted my first post of the year be a little different, but I also thought my end of the year would go differently. I remember I woke up last friday thinking: "I must prepare for the worst weekend and end of year of my life." Not very encouraging or hopeful! My sweet daughters Denise and Sarai had come for a sleepover on  thursday December 22nd and made this song. We were unable to record it but were able to do so today.

The lyrics speak of what my prayer has been this past month. Judging by my inspiring waking thought this past friday, I guess I wasn't really believing it. It's a good thing my God is faithful. This new year's was quite a surprise and a gift from Him. 

I got to see my dad and my aunts from his side of the family. Got to go with my sister to my grandparents house and spend some time with my mom and her family there. Got to take my mom to my in-laws and have a lovely time there. Went to pick daughters Denise and Sarai and son Kike (:P) and spend some time in my house (try all morning till 6:30 am!). And I thought I was not gonna do anything this new year's!

Times are hard, yet my loving God gives me days like this and family and friends like this. Hope you like our first daughters-mother collaborative song. Hope there are more to come. We were still in bed, just minutes after we woke up from a gruelling night  (our faces show how tired we are, especially mommy) , so please be nice! :). You can hear Rodol and Kike making noise in the living room :P

Can't wait for grattitude monday, although I'm already jumping with thanks right now!

Happy new year!

Father, Let Your light shine down on me!

hello,

Yikes, this is bearing my heart now very openly to you guys. 

So, I wanted to post covers of my favorite songs for quite a while, but I was waiting for my sister's visit to do the first with her. I made this video (my first one ever) because I wanted to share it with her and my mom tonight. 

Today I got some trying-the-heart news.

It is in times like this were my mascara has run in black tears down my cheeks where I want to be a women of faith, where I don't want to be without hope and even without joy. 

And as I was praying for what has been laid before us and what is yet to come, the dreaded, unknown outcome but at the same time the glimmering light of hope and change, this is the song that my heart was singing to the Lord. 

I wanted to share it with my family. I want it to be a prayer and a plead and a reality in us. And I want Your light, Father, to shine down on us. That the more we are tried and our suffering prolonged, we might still shine with Your light in us, we might live glorifying a God that giveth and takes, but blessed is His name, our beautiful Savior and His wonderful love, bore in great sacrifice and traced with blood to pierce our hearts forevermore. 

By Bethany Dillon

"gently welcoming the weakest things in me... how could You Perfect one, love me when I have nothing done nothing that's worthy of..." My God is good. I forget that, Lord. I won't ask why, it is a selfish thing to do. I will instead say thanks in this time of need for I have You and I am no longer afraid. 

Psalms 23: "The Lord is my Shepherd, I shall not lack.... though I walk through the valley of shadow and death, I shall fear no evil, for You are with me..." You are always with me, always with us. 

Love You Lord!