Learning You are in control!

Ohayo gosaimasu Lord!
I am a firm believer that everything that happens is in God's control. But I forget to live by that in my daily walk. A couple of weeks ago I was watching the movie Evan Almighty. Ok, not exactly the place to find divine revelation but I liked a quote of the movie: "If you ask God for pacience, do you think He makes you patien or give you an opportunity to be patient? If you ask God for a closer family, do you think He fills your hearts with warm feelings for each other or does He give you an opportunity to grow closer?" Everything in life is an opportuniy to do good. So I forgot I asked You, darling Father, for self-control. See, I easily get desperate. I easily loose my cool, stress out, freak out, and loose my peace and calm. It is hard for me to relax. And here I am asking my God to learn to control that. So what did You do? You gave me an opportunity.

I got my new contact lenses. Man, they are killing me. It's like having a pebble on your shoe, except it's in your eye and you put it there and should not take it out. Here I am dieing to take them out. Just wishing I could pull my eyes out! That is how extremely desperate I am to have this discomfort all day long!!! The worst thing is that my doctor said I should wear them a few hours each day til I get used to them and learn to use them all day long. The thing is that if I take them out is exactly like you see it in the movies: Everything goes blur! Seriously! I'm not exagerating this part. After my sweet eyes relax because they are able to see (my eyelids and eyesockets are the ones in pain), when deprived of such vision they are unable to see untill I again stress them to see and do what my brother calls my "Casimiro" look. I won't say what my old band Atake, Paolo and Perry, used to refer to this particular face I do when I squint my eyes to see.

Thank You for Your Spirit, that instead of letting me indulge in my discomfort, bad attitudes, and go to the negative places in my mind, it made me put my eyes on You. I need to learn to relax and not let the circumstances take control of my emotions. If it is a different situation that happens all of sudden, I don't think I will react my best. But this is a stable situation that causes stress and I can use this to learn to control my reactions and attitudes for when the sudden uncomfortable situations come. It is my opportunity to grow in self-control. Character is something you build on, not accidentally stumble upon. I must work to grow in character. Earnestly meditating and training my mind to be wise and righteous. Man of character don't happen because of wishful thinking. They happen with hard work, hard trials, longsuffering (I like that word. And it expresses a lot of what I am feeling!), hard study in Your Word, strong fellowship and much more. I want that! 

It would have been so easy for my heart to murmur on such a blessing! Yes, it bothers alot. Yes, it gets my nerves rambled. But I am blessed to be able to see when others can't. I can go further. I am blessed I am able to afford contacts when others are unable to do anything about their poor sight. I am blessed to have a God that cares!

Dear Father,
I see now Your providence in trials that are opportunities for me to have my prayers answered. Thank you for teaching me to take control of my emotions in the situations I can't control. Thank You for teaching this control-freak that she has never been in control, but You are! Thank you for the blessing of sight. Let me never forget how lucky I am. Keep giving me opportunities to grow and when they come, let me put my lucky eyes on You.

John 13
 36 Simon Peter asked him, “Lord, where are you going?”
   Jesus replied, “Where I am going, you cannot follow now, but you will follow later.”
 37 Peter asked, “Lord, why can’t I follow you now? I will lay down my life for you.”
 38 Then Jesus answered, “Will you really lay down your life for me? Very truly I tell you, before the rooster crows, you will disown me three times!

Had I heard You say that to Peter, I would have prayed: "Don't let that happen!" But You knew why it was necessary and the fruits it would bring in Peter's life! Let me remember You are in control!
I love You!


The battle of desires!

John 12

23 Jesus replied, “The hour has come for the Son of Man to be glorified. 24 Very truly I tell you, unless a kernel of wheat falls to the ground and dies, it remains only a single seed. But if it dies, it produces many seeds. 25 Anyone who loves their life will lose it, while anyone who hates their life in this world will keep it for eternal life. 26 Whoever serves me must follow me; and where I am, my servant also will be. My Father will honor the one who serves me.
27 “Now my soul is troubled, and what shall I say? ‘Father, save me from this hour’? No, it was for this very reason I came to this hour. 28 Father, glorify your name!”

Hello sweet Jesus,
Ok, I know what these verses are telling to my Spirit: Go loose your life in the service of Him. And when a pastor preaches this in a service our hearts are filled with excitement and we claim: "Here am I, send me!" And we, honeslty wishing to go, say: "I want to be Your hands and feet." But do we go? Do we loose our lives?

So, I will be honest. I don't want to do the desire You have placed in my heart. Sounds contradictory, doesn't it? It's a desire in my heart but I don't want to do it!? Shows how our battle is spiritual and we are fools if we think we ever have a say in the battle. It's either Your say or our flesh's say.  So, no! I don't want to use my precious Saturdays were I can rest, and do some Japanesse classes, and catch up on a little anime, or play with my puppies, or over sleep, or watch tv and lie in the couch doing nothing. I don't want to give that up for waking up early, spending my hard-earned money, cooking like crazy, going out to feed a stranger and share Him Your Gospel, where I could be rejected, or mocked on, or uncomfortable, and tired. Why? Well, my previous posts prove there is too much "ME" in my heart, too much sin, too much longing for the things of this world. And I detest that and wish to abolish it from my being, as do many christians. So why don't we ever get rid of this old man, and start living like the new man we are in Christ? Jesus explains it in these verses.

"Anyone who loves their life will lose it, while anyone who hates their life in this world will keep it for eternal life. Whoever serves me must follow me"

Must follow me! But a couple of paragraphs before I see the pattern of Christianity where we want to go, but never do. We never follow. I never follow!
I still doubt!

John 12
37 Even after Jesus had performed so many signs in their presence, they still would not believe in him.

After all You have done in my life, I still doubt. I still cling to this earth. I still leave You waiting. Leave You preparing the rocks around me to speak because I won't go.

Dear Father,
Give me Your strength, I will wait in You! Transform my heart to feel the needs of others and fill them before my own. Fill this frail, flesh and bones body of mine with the power to soar like an eagle. Silence these sinful thoughts and desires and don't let me stray from following You. I am not worthy or useful, Father, but I want to go. Prepare me for this weekend. I will take it one weekend at a time. And help me do well my weekday duties with grattitude and honor.

I love You!



Grattitude is the attitude before victory!

Dear Father,
Ok, so it's really late, and although it was just the weekend I slept even less.. But, I just need to post this.
My last post spoke of my frustration. Nope, my frustration has not diminished for my shortcomings are ever so noticeable. -_- ! So I posted that frustration was the attitude before defeat, trying to encourage myself not to be stuck in it. My sister then retaliated my post with the phrase: "Grattitude is the attitude before victory." I think she was spot on.

I need to grow in grattitude if I ever hope to find joy in my life. Tiffany, my blog tutor (if she'd let me call her that, :D) writes a weekly post on grattitude. Now, I haven't done it because I fear I'll start looking like a copycat. But you know what? Paul used to tell his disciples: "Imitate me cuz I imitate Christ." I guess Tiffany and her grattitude is a thing to imitate.

I had the worst best weekend of my marriage life. It is the first time my hubby sees me loose it. I mean totally loose it! I was literally lying with my back on the floor, my eyes flooded with tears, crying like a spoiled baby, simply murmuring about my life! Writing about it makes all the shame, again ever so present, be even more present. Yep! I had been praying for fruits of the Spirit and there I was indulging on fruits of the flesh like: murmuring, yelling, no self control, no honoring my husband, no good thing at all. So, you can see my frustration even peeked!

And there I had made such a scene friday night, and early morning my husband comes in with a bouquet of flowers trying to cheer his unreasonably sad wife. I seriously praise the Lord for the man in my life! We then went to church were I enjoyed the service like I hadn't in many, many years. Went out with friends I had not seen in ages, and connecting with friends deeper than I had before. We suddenly realized it was 1 am and time had flown. And I felt my heart fill up again. And we shared our desires to do Your will and encouraged each other. It was truly a magical time.

Today I had the wonderful pleasure of serving a friend I had last contact with. Her name is Marcela and I got to help out with the baby shower for her baby twins! It felt good to do something for someone else for a change and feel part of something. It felt really good to see the example of women like Gaby Lagos, who I don't understand why I have never sought to be closer with, since I admire her alot!

I had a busy wonderful weekend. I am sorry, Father, for my displays of sin, but I am grateful for Your mercy, I was feeling so down and ashamed, it was impossible to change how I felt in such a short time. And in the very same weekend, You shone Your light upon me and renewed my heart.

Friday night I was telling my hubby I no longer had strength to carry on. And in the church service I heard a song that brought me to tears: "I am strong if I am waiting in the Lord, only if I wait in the Lord, So I'll wait in the Lord." The words I needed! The truth I had to find. I have to put my hope in You and wait in You.

So, my grateful list:
1* understanding and loving husband
2* the call at the right time from my mother. her sweet prayers
3* a church to find beautiful fellowship
4* forgiving friends after a long time of not dedicating them some time
5* long lost friendships rekindled! I love you, Marcela
6* daisies in a saturday morning
7* puppies running around
8* a job to not suffer need
9* a merciful God whose love is unwaving!



Ever feel so inadecuate that you feel you are good for nothing? I have always identified myself with the apostle Peter, for he would make many mistakes due to his quick-reactive character, but he had the desire to change and truthfully serve God. I do not identify with the post-crucifixion Peter, though, for he eventually stopped making those mistakes. He grew in character and became a great leader. Ugh, how am I desiring to be a mother when I cannot control myself? My tongue and my attitudes get away with me making me feel really, really frustrated.
The past few days have been awful, Father. I again justify my attitudes saying it is because I am terribly sleep deprived, entirely tired, and still very sad deep inside. But no, this is no excuse. This is no act of the fruits of the Spirit, but of the flesh. And I am so ashamed it is so hard for me to turn from my ways, I am frustrated again mainly by my job. This is not the place or the job for me. But it is a good training camp for controlling my flesh. I need to watch my mouth, my attitudes, my kindness, my discipline, my order, and so much more. I am deeply failing, Father. I am failing as a wife too. I am not cooking meals and because of it spending money eating out more than I should. I am not being responsible or a good administrator of my time, my resources, and more.

I am so, so frustrated!

John 8
5 In the Law Moses commanded us to stone such women. Now what do you say?”

Yep, me! Stone such a woman! Ok, so maybe I am overreacting, but I do feel this way. So undeserving and sinful I should be stoned.

Let any one of you who is without sin be the first to throw a stone at her.”

Hmm, would that apply to throwing stones at myself?

“Then neither do I condemn you,” Jesus declared. “Go now and leave your life of sin.”

If you have read my blog before, dear reader, you probably guessed right. I am crying.

12 When Jesus spoke again to the people, he said, “I am the light of the world. Whoever follows me will never walk in darkness, but will have the light of life.”

44 "You belong to your father, the devil, and you want to carry out your father’s desires. "

Oh, Dad, I feel sheathed in darkness. My soul is restless. I feel unworthy of coming forth to the light, and my actions are those of darkness.
John 9

39 Jesus said,[a] “For judgment I have come into this world, so that the blind will see and those who see will become blind.”

Jesus was speaking to the Pharisee. They asked Him if ther were blind?
“If you were blind, you would not be guilty of sin; but now that you claim you can see, your guilt remains."

Have I claimed to see? But I have, to those around me. I tell them I belong to You. I tell them I want to glorify You and do Your will. They don't see that in my attitudes, and thus, I am guilty. And I am not free. I do not feel free.
Am I not seeing Your truth? Or am I a David with my sin always infront of me, praying for You to create a new heart in me. And to please restore the joy of Your salvation in me! Desperately, please!

Again, is there too much ME in the equation? I fail. I mess up. I disobey, I, I, I!!! And if I were doing Your will, would it be me doing it, me obeying, me being good and another vicious cycle of me, me, me????

But all I desire is to do what You told that sinful woman to do: Go and leave your life of sin. It is all I want. How could Paul feel this way? But he expressed it so plainly and truthfully: That which I want to do, I don't. That which I don't want to do, I do. Ugh, this world and this body are detestable to me. How I long for your coming! How I long to be transformed and remain in Your glory forever!

I always throw the ball at You. I say:"Well, Your Word says You give the desire as well as the doing. Well, give me the desire and the doing!" James says that if we need wisdom, we should ask for it according to Your will. I ask for it, Father, as long as it does not bring pride or glory to myself. I don't like this. I don't like feeling such a mess. I don't like having my sin before me. I don't like being unkind and exposing my sinful nature for all to see. I am frustrated. But frustration is just the attitude before defeat. So it is good that I can come into Your light and see myself exposed, and pray to be transformed, and asked once more for a new heart. And pray to cling harder on You. It is good my pride is shattered.

Dear Father,
I am sorry for my sins ever before me. I want to be the Peter post-crucifixion. I want to grow in the fruits of Your Spiril: love, joy, peace, forbearance, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness and self-control. I do not want to live in the flesh. But my life is lain for You to do as You desire. For You to make an example out of me, if not of a changed heart yet, of a person bestowed with much grace and mercy by the God almighty. I am grateful You do not condemn me, and so I will not condemn myself. Do not ever leave me, and forever, I am Yours. Do not let Satan steal from me all You do for me, for I am greatly blessed, and I must not loose sight of that. Do make me a post-psalm 51 David too. But I know You do well in my life.

I love You, sweet Saviour. Thank you!


You have always sent someone when I needed.

My darling Leon died. :(
Oh, Father, I have such a hard time coping with loss. My heart is so broken I have a hard time staying focused and cry out of the blue. I do not want to sleep or lay in bed. Dad, I am sad. Is this wrong? People keep telling me not to loose my peace, have strenght, rejoice in You, be encouraged it was the best thing. I think they are right but I like what Paul says: Cry with those who cry. I guess this is one of the reasons it is so hard to feel comforted by guys and girls are our to-go friends in grief. I guess it is one of the few times we'd pick our girl friends over boy friends. Woman in other cases are judgmental before understanding but in these cases they are able to cry with you. I am sure my mom (who could care less about dogs) and Pit, my sis, would have cried with me. And I felt my darling friends through their messages.

I feel comforted to think that You cried with me. People do not get my infatuation with dogs. When my dad left, I was not confident of myself enough to make friends. My only friend was Duppy, our dog. I remember the teacher in 4th grade asking everyone who was their best friend, and when I said Duppy, they all laughed at me. I am so sure that dog is in heaven! Man, I gave him the Gospel like 50 times, I even made songs that I would sing only to him about my relationship with You. (btw, I AM being sarcastic about him in heaven, but it is the truth :)).

I then had Oso. Oso came to me at a time when I lost my best friend (human, this time, and long time crush). He is another great comfort in a time of great need. And he also heard my songs that no one else, except You, heard. I would love watching him sit under my piano or asleep in my lap when I played the guitar (Boy, were those other times with tons of time. I haven't played the piano, or the guitar, or composed in ages!)

I have always felt that the love and comfort I felt from them came from You, like You put them there for me because I needed them, so I could feel You. And with my hubby, my family, all my friends, I still get so much comfort and love from them.

I really do feel You cared and cried with me, and I am grateful, over all, for a friend like You. People ask me why I am so fanatic about You and why I am so sure You are real. I tell them: "I have seen Him." I have! In the lonely nights crying my eyes out but feeling You close. In my poured heart in the pages of my devotionals, that felt so lost and confused, and on the second page was finding the answer and guidance. In the changed person I am, that would not be this way if Your love would not daily transform me. In the sweet friendship were I can always feel understood, admonished, challenged, and loved. In those around, yes, including my darling pets.

Thank You, Father. I love You! I love Leon. You know, people say dogs do not go to heaven. Well, I am a true believer that nothing is impossible for You, so I guess I could see my Leon again. But Your will be done, perfect and good! Just know that I will please, please, please beg You for this!! :D


Hope in the face of no hope

Dear Father,
I come so broken hearted today. Oh, Dad, but I do not want to doubt You. After so many times I have been tried in this area, I still fail. I still do not come out victorious. I am a woman of little faith. I remember reading in a blog a girl pouring her heart to You and realizing how doubting You and having little faith was belittling You. I do not want to belittle You, whichever the circumstance, I want to believe.

June 15
So my darling Leon came back home yesterday looking pretty bad. I can't express my anger and frustration to receive him in such a state (he had been living with another family for the past two weeks). I think I slept 20 mins every 2 hours last night (talk about preparing for babies). He seems to be in a lot of pain, and I can't stand to see him suffer. I give him antibiotics. I call a vet who tells me to buy him a med and hope he will sleep. My hubby runs to the pharmacy to get the med, and the puppy sleeps til 2 am. Then he walks around the couch in the living room from 3 am to 8 am, all the while I am unable to do anything.

June 16
It's 8 am and we took him to the vet, got him sedated so he could sleep a bit, and got a blood test to see what's wrong.

4 pm, I just got the results from the test. They do not know what he has, only that he has an infection. He is on antibiotics and anti inflamatory meds.

6pm, I just got home from work to see how Leon is doing. Dad, he looks pretty bad. I give him water and delacthose milk (if anyone ever reads this, dogs cant drink normal milk. Dont give him normal milk!!!!) with a syringe.

Oh, Dad, thank You so much for man like Don Orlando OrdoƱez. He attended my puppy at 10:30 pm and put him under anestesia so he might sleep and not suffer.

Jun 17
It is 2 am and me and my hubby are out on the streets searching for a pharmacy with a med to put the puppy back to sleep. After all the stores we could think of that were open at that hour and visiting them all and not finding the med, we are going back home, with leon feeling pretty bad, but thankfully asleep.

I've been waking up every hour to the puppy's cries. I hold him and shake him and calm him down and he sleeps again and I try to do so too.  He wakes up again, and it starts all over again. Thankfully, he calms quicker and falls asleep longer.

It's 7 am, I haven't slept much, and Leon wakes up again. This time, there is no calming him. His pain is just too much. I call Dr. Orlando again and he tells me to take the puppy to him. He is put under anestesia again and the doctor doesn't look hopeful. He says he will do his best, put the puppy under IV antibiotics and anti inflamatory meds, but I must prepare for a hard decision.

You know what I love about You, Father? The fact that I can talk to You of what would seem so trivial to most, but not me, and I know You understand me. You made me this way. I would not like the person I am if I didn't do everything in my power to try to save Leon, including praying for him. I feel akward praying so fervently for an animal, but it is who I am. As I took him to the vet yesterday at 10 pm, I cried my eyes out thinking how cruel and injust is this world, that I have the capability to take my dog to the doctor and there are mothers out there that dont have the capability to take their babies to the doctor. Also thinking that some mothers have the capability and dont take their babies, and I would do anything for my little puppy.

It saddens me how twisted this world is with sin. How sin brought forth death, and we have to endure it. I do not want to endure my puppy's death. Mostly, I do not want to question what You do and permit in my life. I do not want to find the reason as to understand Your sovereign will. All I can do is accept it as good, be grateful, be hopeful in You. That last part seems the hardest for me. Being hopeful. I am a optimist at heart and a pessimist at mind. I hope for the best and expect the worst. That is not true hope and true trust. I just have to trust Your will. I want to say sorry for getting so upset with You when You took the life of Sousuke, my sister's pet three years ago. And I am sorry for questioning You when You took the life of Qero. No matter how much loved the pet was, and how injust the situation seemed, You were good and I should have been grateful for the time, as short as it may, You gave us.

So, I do not know if  Leon will make it. My heart is broken. But You command us not to be anxious for anything, for You take care of us. I will rest in that truth, and remember to be grateful.

Daddy, please help me. It is not easy. But I want to obey.

I love You!  


Learning to live in the now to the fullest for You

John 4
67 “You do not want to leave too, do you?” Jesus asked the Twelve.
68 Simon Peter answered him, “Lord, to whom shall we go? You have the words of eternal life. 69 We have come to believe and to know that you are the Holy One of God.”

Dear Father

There are hard truths for me to fathom. That people turn away from You. That people choose to reject You. But mostly, that your believers are not serving You.

I have been preparing my heart for the desire You placed in my heart the past two weeks. I talked with Memo and other people and I am still praying and preparing for that time. You know, I always spoke of being a missionary, If you don't sow in your own place, how will you sow elsewhere? And when I think of the hours, the effort, the costs, how tired I am and how much more I'll add to it, think of treating with people, and so much more, my flesh says: "I don't want to!" 

And if I am not filled with Your Spirit, I won't. I will loose the battle.
John 6
27 Do not work for food that spoils, but for food that endures to eternal life, which the Son of Man will give you. For on him God the Father has placed his seal of approval.”

I desire this.

I have been loosing one battle already: patience and living in the now. Ugh, I desire so badly to become a mom! My husbands says it is not the time, and he is right and I now this! But I don't want to wait!!! NO! I'm thinking of myself instead of my family. I'm sorry, Father. I will apologize to my hubby for my insistence and selfishness. Give me the strength to wait and to also prepare my heart and character for that new stage. I get desperate thinking I am too old, but common, it's another one of Satan's lies.
Thank You for teaching me and being my strength. Father, do not let my flesh restrain me from serving You in levels I have never before. Help me and show me how to completely surrender my all to You and be busy in my Father's business.

I love You!


A stirring desire and Your great power!

Ephesians 1
"17 I keep asking that the God of our Lord Jesus Christ, the glorious Father, may give you the Spirit of wisdom and revelation, so that you may know him better. 18 I pray that the eyes of your heart may be enlightened in order that you may know the hope to which he has called you, the riches of his glorious inheritance in his holy people, 19 and his incomparably great power for us who believe. "

I wish I had someone praying that for me! I wish I prayed that for my loved ones more often. "..eyes of your heart enlightened..." Such beautiful words!!!

Dear Father,

I have been thinking of You alot! (Thank You ^_^) But, I have been thinking of what to do for You. I have been feeling a calling to serve You better by helping those who need help the most. I remember a speech from my dear friend Marcela. She was preaching of what she had in her hands to serve You. She said: "I am not a talented singer to reach people through an evangelistic band. I am not a talented speaker." (How wrong she was!) "This were the excuses of Moses, so You gave him a rod. What is my rod? What have You put in my hands to serve others? You gave me the ability to cook! And through cooking I will serve You with what You placed in my hands!" My dear friend Marcela would wake up early morning on Saturdays to cook for the hungry people of the streets of Comayaguela. People so torn apart by drugs and poverty they could barely think straight. But they knew too things well: Marcela is her name and she feeds us; She comes to talk of Jesus! I only went to serve with Marcela once. This I now highly regret. I have never been known for cooking up until recently. I do not think cooking is the rod in my hand You have placed for I am not as skilled as Marcela. Right now You placed something in my hands: a job that provides money!

No, I am not rich and I don't have abundant money to spare. I have enough for me and my family and a little extra. I have been obsessing about this little extra. I try hard to save it to afford maybe a car or new stuff for the house. I begin saving some and something always happens: I get sick, the car needs repairing, or any other need that makes my saved money go puff! I get frustrated at the fact that I can never save enough and I work so hard, and I make enough to have a good saving, and bla bla bla!!! Recently, I have realized all the blessings around this. First, had I been able to save some I would have gotten a loan or a debt that would be sofocating me. Had I saved enough and afford my wishes I would have indulged my flesh and vanity more.  Had I not realized this through my beautiful fellowship with You, I would still get into disputes with my husband for money issues or still be comparing myself with others and their possessions. Possessions... so wonderfully put by Paul as garbage!

So, I want to put this little extra for good use. I have been flirting with two ideas: put a comedor de amor to serve meals for people in hunger on the weekends and get to minister them (an idea and name from my church in Mexico) or put a classroom for people in a barrio and teach and feed them on the weekend. Both would play to my strengths and joys of teaching and cooking! I would need financial help from others, as well as others willing to serve. But I want to do this. I want to start this, even if I have to sacrifice the costs, time, and effort at first. I want to invest myself in You.

Fear starts crawling up my neck as I write this. Doubt because I need the money, because I am too sick or tired, because no one will help me, because it is too dangerous, because it is too difficult and out of my comfort zone, because I am too weak!

Ephesians 1:
"19 and his incomparably great power for us who believe. That power is the same as the mighty strength 20 he exerted when he raised Christ from the dead and seated him at his right hand in the heavenly realms, 21 far above all rule and authority, power and dominion, and every name that is invoked, not only in the present age but also in the one to come."

Rest assure, my soul, your God and His power are mighty. So, this is my prayer. To be Your hands and feet, even if for the weekend. But I have to start dieing to my desires (specially my desire to rest all through the weekend and do nothing). I have to start giving myself to others for the name of He Who died for me to give me an inheritance.

Beautiful Savior,
Let me pray this prayer of Paul's for my family and loved ones. Open the eyes of my heart to Your riches and the blessings You give us everyday we spend with You. Make this desire grow, strengthen and become a reality. Take me to the place You want me to spread Your light and You can use me completely. Give me the strength, support, prayer, and wisdom to carry this endeavour out. Be my strength, support, and light! As I prayed to You when I first met You, that Your desires become my dreams, and Your will be done in me.

I love You! I do, I do...:)


The only thing that counts is faith expressing itself through love

Galatians 5
6 "...The only thing that counts is faith expressing itself through love."

Galatians 6
 1 "Brothers and sisters, if someone is caught in a sin, you who live by the Spirit should restore that person gently. But watch yourselves, or you also may be tempted. 2 Carry each other’s burdens, and in this way you will fulfill the law of Christ. 3 If anyone thinks they are something when they are not, they deceive themselves. 4 Each one should test their own actions. Then they can take pride in themselves alone, without comparing themselves to someone else, 5 for each one should carry their own load. "

Hello heavenly Father,

Carry each other's burden, huh? I remember once Gustavo Zepeda (one of our pastors) said to me: "Are you feeling sad? The best cure for that: go and give the gospel to someone or go find a need to fill." Lately I have been feeling a little without purpose and sad. I realize why. I am not making a difference in anybody's life. I could only make my husband an exception. I justify myself saying the reason for this is that I am no longer a teacher so I don't get to minister my students. I also use the I-have-too-much work or I-have-been-ill excuse. Honestly, the main reason is I have no fellowship. I have no one's burdens to carry and no one to carry mine (again, my husband is the only exception). Fellowship with just my husband is not enough. I was thinking of my "close" friends; I don't have any. I haven't seen my dearest friend Tito in I don't know how long. I do not know his burdens, let alone help him carry them. I am so grateful Jenny tries to keep close, but I do not help her carry her burdens either. And so many friends I really, really adore and wish to see and haven't in the longest time. I barely talk to my family (phone bills are huge) and I get the minimum update in the quick talks (if there are any!).

I try to make a difference in my coworkers here but I only end up very frustrated and mocked. They think that my ideas on marriage and children and life are outdated and stupid, and I do not have to follow so closely what "religion" (a.k.a the Bible) says. I guess that is why Paul encourage us to do good especially to the family in Christ.

I have never felt this way before. I can pretty much assure that if any of my friends or coworkers needed advice or help, they would not come to me. I am not there for anyone. I understand my deep sadness: I am not a part of anything else other than my marriage. Not part of a group or a ministry or my family or my family in Christ.

I am struggling to go to church more often. I should have paid Galatinas 6:7 "Do not be deceived: God cannot be mocked. A man reaps what he sows." more close atention. I am reaping the fruits of my abandonement of the church. Honestly, this makes me really sad too. I have never been this way. I was always involved in everything in my church and missing a meeting was out of the question. What really worries me is I have no longing or desire to go to my church. I guess it is the result of so much flesh sowing (Galatians 6:8).

Wow, I started the post thinking I had not much to say. I long to serve You, Father, and I long for fellowship in which I can serve others and learn from them and lean on them. That I do. I often wonder if my disinterest is a sign I should no longer be in the church I am in (although I remember how I taught others who felt the way I do today this was not the answer). I have also been struggling to do things without my husband (going to meetings when he can't). Seriously? I have so much to say about the subject? Your Word uncovers what's hidden in my heart. I think this is the first time I write my blog hoping readers can offer counsel back. All I can do is meditate in Your Word, pray for a change of heart in the areas I am hardened, and start taking steps of obedience.

Dear Father,

I am sorry I have been living a self-centered life. I want my life to have a purpose; that purpose: give You glory. I am to give You glory by doing good to others. I want to give You glory by helping my brothers and sisters carry their burdens, and be exposed to let them carry mine. I want to give You glory by helping others know the truth of Your Gospel .I thank You for the wonderful fellowship I have in my husband. Help me stop depending on him to move around and use that as an excuse to not serve on my free time. Change how my prideful heart feels towards the wonderful church You have taken me to. Transform my heart to receive the blessing You have for my life through my church and the loving fellowship of the body of Christ. Father, may I be a part of the extension of Your Kingdom. Change my sadness into joy. Use my hands and feet to fill needs in others and use theirs to fill mine through the bond of love.

I love You, Father, never stop bringing light into my eyes.