Wow! That is one heavy question to begin a post with.
One that I have been pondering about for many years and which plagued my mind last night. You see, I have a friend who converted a cargo van into a camper van and has been sharing her family vacations this summer on Instagram. I started daydreaming of one day doing my own van conversion, and I’ve been binge watching van conversion videos and tours on Youtube. Van life seems so perfect: low cost of living, life on the road, freedom to travel. Vanlifers seemed to have it all. I was watching a couple who had done several iterations of their van conversions making sure to add space for guests because their female friend had joined them before and slept on the floor. Their new van even included a bed for her, and she even appeared on the video showing off the new guest bed. I saw some videos where the three of them lived in the van because most vanlifers don’t have kids. My dream van would have to accommodate more than two. I watched with wonderment how easy they made it look being crammed in that small space with a tiny compartment composting toilet. They seemed to get along well, and their videos were endearing. And then on the side videos was a small thumbnail with the title “For Lee”. Lee was this female guest. She had a channel of her own documenting her own female solo van build. On March 26, 2021 Lee Macmillan took her own life.
I was dazed. How could this have happened? She was 28,
young, beautiful, perfect body, perfect smile, seemed to have amazing friends
and family, amazing life plans. To me, she had it all. I wasn’t expecting to
have my innocent van conversion binging confront me with this post’s question.
The video “For Lee” had a warning at the beginning of the video explaining the
subject covered and warning against triggers. It is no secret to anyone who has
read my blog before that I am one of those people triggered.
The way some were perceiving Lee’s story made me mad. The first thing that comes to
mind to many when they hear about suicide is “How could she have been so selfish?
Why didn’t she seek help?” Well, Lee had been very vocal and candid about her
struggle with mental health, anxiety, and depression. I’ve written about PastorAndrew Stoecklin in this blog before. I also followed the story of Pastor Jarrid Wilson, who not
only was open about his depression and mental health struggles but ran an
outreach group he founded called “Anthem of Hope” to help others like him
struggling with depression and anxiety. Jarrid fought to end the stigma on opening
up about your thoughts and show how dangerous depression is. His struggle was
so intense that he took his life a day before World Suicide Prevention Day. This
was his last message on Twitter:
“Loving Jesus doesn’t always cure suicidal thoughts. Loving Jesus doesn’t
always cure depression. Loving Jesus doesn’t always cure PTSD. Loving Jesus
doesn’t always cure anxiety. But that doesn’t mean Jesus doesn’t offer us
companionship and comfort. He ALWAYS does that.” I know
many, many Christians who would disagree with Jarrid’s post.
All three: Lee, Andrew, and Jarrid had sought professional
and pharmaceutical help, had opened up not only to close ones about their
thoughts but also to their huge online following, and depression still ended
their lives. If you think this was done out of selfishness, please let me know
so that I can take you out of my life.
I have opened up in person and online about my
depression. After Pastor Andrew’s death I even took his wife’s advice that “If
anyone even mentions the word suicide, you take it seriously.” She never
thought her husband would take his life having all the support he had and raising
three small boys. I went straight to my husband and said, “I need you to take
it seriously if I ever say the word suicide.” It is only after the matter that
people take it seriously. This was a sentiment expressed by many “For Lee’
videos.
Back in October 2020, I told my friend Jackie that my
depression was getting out of hand. She knew we had also been struggling
financially so she offered to give me a stipend of $100 every month so I could
afford my antidepressants. I was shocked someone would take my struggle so seriously
to be willing to invest in my mental health. Jackie footed that bill for four
months. When my mom found employment in February, she took over my
antidepressant bill. I was able to begin my weaning process in April and
finished the long process in June 2021, just last month.
My struggles with depression have been well documented
on this blog, as was my struggle with breast cancer. My cancer posts have more
than 3,000 views. My depression posts get at the most 100. Yet, 100 people read
my last post.
How many who of those 100 who read that weaning off my antidepressants caused
me suicide thoughts do you think reached out to me to see if I am doing better?
Yup, you probably guessed it! Zero. Most who read this blog know me personally
or know me online. Most who do read such heavy posts are close friends and
family. None have reached out to ask if I am still having these thoughts. I don’t
blame you. We don’t know how to address these issues. My husband struggles especially
because he hasn’t personally experienced depression. He says he doesn’t know
what to say or do. One time I scolded him and said, “If you don’t know, read!
Pick up a book and learn. You don’t have to know it all, but you can be better
prepared and be more knowledgeable on what to say or do.” He took me up on that
advice and began reading about PTSD, chronic fatigue syndrome, hypothyroidism, neuropathy,
and depression and anxiety, all of which his lovely wife of 35 years old
suffers from. You probably didn’t reach out because you think my close friends
and family are already on it. This should be the case, and I am happy to report
it is my case. This is not always the case. Make sure. Heard someone talk about
suicide? Take it seriously. Serious enough to show up at their home. Serious
enough to give them a call not just a text. Serious enough to inquire about the
professional help they’re seeking and if there isn’t any, making sure they get
it and helping them out to get it.
Lee’s ex boyfriend’s video was especially hard to watch.
He mentions that he knew Lee had been cyberbullied and that the hate comments
about their split were affecting her. He says he regrets not stepping up to
stop the trolls and to make sure Lee was ok. He ends his video saying how he
has to live with the regret that he knows he could have done more to try to
save her life. Don’t let this be your story. Lee’s friends and family have been
doing a wonderful job at creating awareness with the hashtag #speakUpForLee. I hope this post was not a trigger for anyone.
If you are having suicidal thoughts, please know you are not alone. You are not
alone in the struggle, you are not alone in having these thoughts, and you are not
alone in this life. I’ve had friends call me from miles away in the brink of
breaking, and I have been able to be there with them even if through an
electronic device. This can be the difference between life and death.
Covid has made the suicide problem much worse. Kids
are needing psychiatric help much younger. Social distancing is harder for
others that rely on social interaction for stability. Reach out now more than
ever. If anyone came to mind while reading this post, check up on them today!
Here are some numbers for help I found in Honduras and
Panama.
Honduras:
Telefono Esperanza
0558 08 08 / 150
(Admón 2232-2707)
Panama:
líneas de
apoyo:
✅Línea de apoyo psicológico: 169.
✅Instituto Nacional de Salud Mental:
512-6800.
✅911.
I am happy to report my suicide thoughts from my chemical
imbalance due to the weaning process are gone. I am back to reading my Bible every
day, doing yoga once or twice a day, going to bed at decent hours and waking up
early, taking the girls to the park more often, and making plans for the
future. That is pretty much my good mental health state!
Here are some pics of my devotional verses. Taking the time each morning to write them down has been a huge help in getting my mind into the right thoughts (duh! my mind on th Word is best) and releasing any bad energies by simply doing a little art.
