It is true that is harder to have more than one child, especially when they are so close together in age as mine. The first time I had to take care of both girls alone I felt proud of myself for not crying. When you have two babies crying simultaneously both needing something right away and you have to chose which one to leave crying and make her wait, you feel your heart break a little, the first time, The second time you just understand your limitations and hope your daughters won't resent the waiting while wailing. Once you get over or used to the crying, you carry on and things actually run smoothly.
It is true it is very tiring. The first three weeks I was sleep deprived I was a walking, seriously cranky zombie. I am very grateful for my husband and for not leaving me after those weeks. Honestly, for a moment there I wondered if we would make it. I felt awful for snapping at him for anything. But, a day came when Kaylee allowed me to sleep three hours continuously and I became human again. With the first child they tell you "Sleep when the baby sleeps." Well, that was not possible with another baby full awake. But somehow I feel more energetic than I have in a long time. I feel so much energy that I am serving at church again, being faithful to attend group and church, caring for the house, caring for both girls, and I even feel less ache in my body than i have in the past years. My back and neck hurt from sleeping with Kaylee in my arms until she finally lets me pass her to her crib but it is not keeping me from my daily activities and I am doing it joyfully. It is like the Lord has fully charged my battery. Today that I had to go back to work Kaylee even let me sleep 5 hours straight!
It is true that it is easier the second time around. I am so glad breastfeeding has been easier. I think it is a matter of feeling more confident of what I do that makes the difference. I sometimes wonder if Kaylee is not suffering from my overconfidence. It also amuses me how much a newborn care my husband completely forgot. He doesn't even remember what we went through with Emmalee. I even try things with Kaylee I would have been to scared to do with Emmalee. I hope and pray that this time around I can breastfeed longer.
It is true it is more expensive. So far we have only felt the expenses go up on diapers. Kaylee is exclusively breastfeeding so there is no extra charge there. However, the pediatrician, vaccines, medicines, clothing, etc will eventually start to blow out our budget. That is why we started a home based business making cakes, cupcakes, cake pops for parties. I hope the business takes off so that I can continue with it when I am finally steady to quit my day job. Speaking if day jobs, I don't even know if I'll still have one next school year, so I hope the home business really, really takes off. It would be so happy to be able to work from home and stay with my daughters. Today is my first day away from Kaylee and it is killing me. It did not get easier to be separated from her, even if it is the second time.
It is true that you love them just as much as the first. I love Emmalee with such strength and intensity that I was worried I couldn't love that strongly anyone else, but a mother's heart can sure expand to fit more love in it. I think of how much I love Kaylee and my heart fills and my eyes tear up. I sink my nose into her chamomile scented hair, stare deep into those hypnotic grey eyes, and just lose myself with joy. She gave me her first smiles this week and made my knees weak. When she cries because of cholic I feel my heart break to know she is in pain. I will hold her all night gladly with no cares for my rest and tiredness. I wake up to her cries and thank God for her life and ask Him to keep waking me up to a breathing, healthy baby, I don't mind.
My life revolves around my daughters. Everything I do is done in a rush: bathe, eat, rest, go to the bathroom, use the computer, think, breathe! Time for myself? Time with friends? Time to do what I like? It doesn't exist right now. I surely need to make time with the hubs! If you want to live for yourself parenthood is not for you, unless you can afford a nanny and are not concerned with raising your kids right. Yesterday I was laying in my bed with Kaylee in one arm and Emmalee in the other one and Rodol sleeping next to me and I thoguht to myself "I have my whole world and everything I need in this bed." I can't fathom how that is not enough for some people. How some mothers desire to be out making a career than the torture of staying home. What I would give! I am counting the seconds to be back home.
Mother of two... I like the sound of that. I want more, but I'll have to wait. In the mean time, I am somehow capable of carrying both of the girls and grabbing things or opening doors; it is like I became an octupus and have extra arms or something. Well, the hubs makes fun if how deft I am grabbing things from the floor with my feet so maybe I am more a monkey. The days are challenging but filled with reward. I feel so blessed to have been able to spend so much time at home and daydream of the day I'll be able to stay fulltime.
Thank You, Lord, for the days you have given me. Thank You, for You make them more than I could have ever dreamed of.
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