On feeling lost

I feel lost in space. I have no idea where I am or where I am going, and this feeling is driving me mad. 

I don't know if I will have a job past the month of June. If I don't get a job, I don't know if I will continue being a teacher or go back to being an engineer. My husband is in similar territory, which makes us feel utterly lost. This leaves me with two options: I can worry about it, start trying to take control of the situation by doing something (though I don't know that I can do something that would be helpful), stress and get sick of the stress, and let it bring me down and depressed. Or I can trust the Lord, know that He will provide, know that He has a purpose and might be calling us somewhere, rest in His peace, and find joy in gratefulness of all He has given us. 

It is dumfounding to me that the second option is the less taken, and my brain is telling me it is the harder choice to make. 

I was sharing these feelings with my mom a couple of days ago. She was silent for some minutes while I was impatiently waiting for her words of comforts and of wisdom to help me find clarity. She could not find them. She simply reminded me of the magic of gratefulness I often talk about and advised me to employ some of that. 

We are finally getting to a place of stability we have longed for. And I fear that it will all be taken away if my contract is not renewed. I don't want to lose this job that I have grown to love so much and love my students so much. I don't want the heartache and headache of looking for a new job. I don't want a job I don't love. I feel like if I lose this job, I will lose everything.

Hold the phone! You mean to tell me your security is in your job? Wow! You ARE seriously lost! Having a job you love is a great thing that few are lucky to find, but it is not all there is to life. Jobs come and go. 

Yesterday in the evening news I heard the story of a seven year old girl who lost her life in a motocicle accident. Her father was taking her to school when a car cut them off and they crashed against a parked truck. The girl was not wearing a helmet. I thought: good thing we have a car and my girls all drive in their carseats with their seatbelts on. Yeah? Well, a colleague had a car accident yesterday with her kids on the back seat with their seatbelts on, and her husband and daughter still ended up in the hospital.

I was watching last week's Grey's Anatomy episode (WARNING: spoilers ahead) where the main character Meredith says she was watching her prefect husband play with her perfect kids in her perfect house while she was getting ready to go to her amazing job.  I envied her in that moment. And on this week's episode her perfect husband had a car accident that took his life. 

My husband has the habit of beginning every prayer with the phrase: "Thank you, God, for this day that you gave us and that we woke up alive..."

Do you realize the great blessing in that simple phrase? How powerful that truth is?

Facebook notified us this week that it was my friend Mauro's 32nd birthday. Mauro was killed in a car accident a little less than a year ago. He left behind a wife, a seven year old boy, and an almost two year old girl. His brother posted a video of Mauro's son saying happy birthday to his father and telling him how much he wished he was here with them. Her mom commented on the video saying that only she knows how many tears her son has shed and how he is the strongest of them all. 

I admire this classy lady more than she will ever know. She is constantly on my mind and prayers, even though we have never been close friends.

And to think that our God truly provides for EVERYTHING that we need that even if death's sting would reach us, we can still be grateful because He made provision for the salvation of our souls and has given us the promise of a house He is preparing for us in heaven!

I can be grateful and rejoice that my friend Mauro is already in that home, and his family has the hope of one day seeing him again. And who knows? Maybe Mauro is not turning 32, but staying forever the 31 year-old goof-ball we all loved, never aging.

You see, the second option is harder because we are forgetful humans. I often get mad at the people of Israel when I read my Bible. They were so quick to forget that God had answered their prayers. And here I am feeling lost because of my job! I forget that I have a roof over my head that will still be there even if I lose my job. I forget I have a husband who is true and lovng to me. I forget I have two little, precious girls that will give me the strength and all the laughs I need to overcome job hunting. I forget that I have a wonderful family (in-laws included) that will not forsake me. I forget I have friends that are willing to help and that is how I got this job in the first place. I forget I have a God Who is mighty and all-powerful and Who could already have this job secured for me or a better one waiting around the corner, or better yet, a great job for my husband that would allow me to stay home. 

You can't let yourself forget. You must remember, and when you remember, you must give thanks. 

And you will realize that giving thanks will not get rid of your feelings of uncertainty that are hurtful. You will realize that you might still feel a little lost. But you wil take option number two and see that it is not the end of the world.

And remember:

Be strong and courageous. Do not fear or be in dread of them, for it is the LORD your God who goes with you. He will not leave you or forsake you. Deut. 31:6

The LORD is my strength and my shield; in him my heart trusts, and I am helped; my heart exults, and with my song I give thanks to him. Psalm 28:7

What shall we then say to these things? If God be for us, who can be against us? He that spared not his own Son, but delivered him up for us all, how shall he not with him also freely give us all things? Who shall lay any thing to the charge of God’s elect? It is God that justifieth. Who is he that condemneth? It is Christ that died, yea rather, that is risen again, who is even at the right hand of God, who also maketh intercession for us. Who shall separate us from the love of Christ? shall tribulation, or distress, or persecution, or famine, or nakedness, or peril, or sword? As it is written, For thy sake we are killed all the day long; we are accounted as sheep for the slaughter. Nay, in all these things we are more than conquerors through him that loved us. For I am persuaded, that neither death, nor life, nor angels, nor principalities, nor powers, nor things present, nor things to come,Nor height, nor depth, nor any other creature, shall be able to separate us from the love of God, which is in Christ Jesus our Lord. Romans 8:30-39

When I remember these things, I pour out my soul within me, for I had gone with the multitude; I went with them to the house of God, with the voice of joy and praise, with a multitude that kept holyday. Why art thou cast down, O my soul? And why art thou disquieted within me? Hope thou in God, for I shall yet praise Him for the help of His countenance. O my God, my soul is cast down within me; therefore will I remember Thee... Psalms 42:4-6