On losing Pastor Andrew Stoecklein

Picture of Pastor Drew and his family, taken from his wife Kayla´s instagram

It climbs from the back of your neck all the way to the top of your head.
You actually feel the claws pierce your skin as it creeps up your back and stiffens your neck when it makes its way to the top.
Out of the blue!
With no warning!
It didn't happen at your most stressful time.
It wasn't triggered by any situation, something that happened, something someone said.
You were maybe lying in bed watching your favorite house improvement series.
You were maybe cooking a meal for your lovely family you feel immensely blessed to have.
It just suddenly takes over your head as you are left crippled by the depression and anxiety that has taken over your body.
You are possessed!

The grief your heart feels makes the tip of your extremities writhe in scrutiating pain. The pain starts moving toward the center of your body all the way to the top.
You first mask it to those around you.
You excuse yourself: "I am not feeling so well. I think I'll go lay down."
You overhear as someone sometimes dismissively says "She was fine all day and NOW she feels bad!"
You try to find a secluded place to try to shake your demon out.
"Why am I feeling this way?"
"What is the matter with me?"
"Why am I considering jumping off the window when I love my family and my life so much?"
"Make it stop! Please, Lord! Make it stop!"
"What is wrong with me?"

Sometimes you have a good cry and minutes later feel fine.
You go back out and you were successful in beating depression back to the pit from which it climbed out. Sometimes, it is not that easy and it doesn't go away with simply fighting it.

One time my anxiety got out of control in a way I had never experienced before. It took over me and I started crying uncontrollably. Luckily, my husband was there with me.
"What is wrong?" he asked.
"I don't know. I can't breathe! My head hurts! Honey, help me! It hurts! It hurts a lot." I cried.
"What do I do?"
"I don't know! This has never happened before. I just feel something is going to explode inside my head. Help me! HELP ME!" I say now yelling.
I run to the kitchen and sit on the floor holding my head between my hands.
The girls run over to the kitchen. "What is wrong with mommy?"
"Sweethearts, please go to your room. Mommy is not feeling well," my husband says in the calmest voice ever. Oh, how good the Lord has been to me giving me the man I needed.
I am still sitting on the floor pressing my head with my hands with tears flowing profusely.
"Stand up!" my husband instructs me.
"What? Why?" I exclaim still crying.
"I'll hold you. Just do it!"
He wraps me with his arms and holds me tightly. He is intentionally breathing slowly and loudly so I can listen to his breathing. I am still crying and sobbing audibly, but I am trying to focus on his breathing.
It takes less than a minute for my crying to stop.
I feel a release from the pressure inside my head.
My heart stops racing and starts following Rodolfo's hearbeat as I am so close to his chest I can feel his hearbeat in my chest.
I am suddenly calmed like nothing had ever happened.
"What happened?" he asks.
"I don't know. That had never happened before," I reply, "I am just so glad you knew what to do."
"I didn't. It was the only thing I could think of," he said.
"I am sorry my anxiety took control of me like that." I say embarassed.

A few minutes later, we are walking out the door to do an errand like nothing happened. I am back to myself and the incident hasn't repeated itself or given any indications that it could happen again.

What would have happened if I had been alone?
What would have I done?
That scares me. I don't take it lightly.

Could you stop a heart attack from claiming your life?
Could you stop a stroke from leaving you brain dead?
Could you prevent an aneurysm you are unware of from being the ticking bomb it is?
No!
Why do people believe you can easily and simply stop depression, a life-threatning illness, from claiming a life?

Today Facebook is filled with stories about Pastor Andrew Stoecklein losing his life to anxiety and depression. He had publicly let his congregation know about his illness. It had been so severe he had been put on a 4 month sabbatical by members of the church. Even his wife had told him he didn't have to go back to ministry. You can listen to his last sermon here, only a few weeks prior to his suicde. It breaks my heart that the sermon was about what God could do with you and in you through your mess. And I don't think he spoke of this deceitfully. I don't think he was giving a front or facade. He speaks openly of when someone found him on a bathroom in the same state I described myself in. He spoke of his initial rejection of seeking medical help, the same way I did in this post: The Christian and Antidepressants where I open up for the first time of my personal battle with depression. He speaks of Elijah, the man I turn to in the Bible too when struggling with depression, and how Elijah was suicidal, depressed, and suffering from anxiety. How about that? The struggle had been in the Bible all along to relate to. He gives the following statistics:
1 in 5 adults have had a mental disease.
1 in 25 adults live with a severe mental illness.
1 in 5 children have or will have a mental illness.
Suicide is the third leading cause of death ages 10-24, most with a mental illness that was not being treated.
Depression is the leading cause of disability worldwide.

I have already read comments criticizing him for his "selfishness" for leaving his wife and 3 young boys alone. He ended the sermon giving out resources to get help when dealing with depression like NAMI.org . Of course the question arises: "Why didn't he himself seek help this past friday?" 1) He did. He did seek help. He was under medication and treatment. 2) Sometimes, it is like a heart attack. You survive some, but others are fulminating.

I write this knowing how vulnerable I become by opening up about this.
What will you think of me?
Will you fear me?
Will you worry about  me?
Will you think less of me?
Will you talk about me behind my back?
Will I be judged?
How vulnerable am I of dying from this?
Am I at risk of a fulminating depression and anxiety attack?

Well, if the statistics are correct, 1 in 5 of you will relate and will feel less lonely by this post, and 4 in 5 will get a better picture of what it is to struggle with a mental illness.
This post is not even the bleakest post on mental illness I have posted before.
I wrote this one: "Diary of loving someone with an Unseen Disease" when I was learning how to cope with seeing a close loved one go through a mental disease I was already beginning to fear would claim her life. I even write on the post how easy it is to show compassion to a cancer patient, but none to a mental illness patient, and now I have been both.

Pastor Drew finished his sermon speaking of Elijah's story where God was not in the fire, the earthquake, the winds... He was in the whisper!  And He spoke to Elijah in his mess and showed Elijah the purpose for his mess. Elijah was not completely healed, but God spoke to him and gave him direction and God revealed Himself to him. He can meet you in your mess.

I am extremely heartbroken for the loss of Pastor Drew. He had just lost his father 3 years prior to Leukemia. His family and congregation have lost so much in such a short time. Pray for them. Pray for them deeply and intently. Be better at listening and better at understanding. Be there for those who might need you and who might not seek help for themselves because they are scared and ashamed. If you know what that is like, be vulnerable and transparent and open up to those around you who need these things spoken of.