I feel so touched to have had many of you reach out to me. I was specially touched that most of those who reached out to me are from my Panamanian community, though none is Panamanian,and from friends around the world. So, here's how my appointment went.
It turns out I am not over my PTSD as I thought. PTSD, for those who don't know, stands for Post Traumatic Stress Disorder. You remember how on this post I shared some thoughts that had crept on my mind about postponing my screening labs? Well, my thoughts might have tried to go to the right place, but there was a physical response in my body that sent me cascading down this rabbit hole.
I googled PTSD and here are some of the symptoms one might experience:
There are videos in YouTube that show how Frozen and Frozen II are metaphors for mental health. Guess I could analyze that on the 100th time my girls make me watch Frozen II. (The "ah aah ah aah" of the soundtrack produced by Kaylee is driving us insane).
I got to let go of my fears, let go of cancer. It won't be easy. She says I'll need both therapy and medication to help me cope and get me in a good place again. She was happy the last time we saw each other was 18 months ago; and despite of how I'm feeling now, she feels I'm doing much better and looking a lot better too. She is positive I can get back in a good place in a shorter time frame and with less medication needed.
I was honest with her and I told her I was skeptical. I was skeptical that anything could help or that things could get better. I was skeptical when I heard her say I was a good mom and a good wife and human deserving life and happiness. I was skeptical that I could learn to let it go or that any of it would help. Poor doctors! They have to deal with us know-it-alls. But I told her the things she had said to me the last time had helped me move on from Kinsley's death, I had learn to let her go, and I had improved with her help. So, even though I'm skeptical, I'm here... aren't I?
I appreciate your words to me, even though I'm skeptical. You know I keep it real. But I appreciate them and my Spirit within me must receive them and pass them down to my heart despite what my brain thinks. I truly believe it was the right move to get help and hope to share with you better news soon. Please remember to keep praying for my hubs and his employment situation. Pray that God can give him wisdom in what should be his next move and his next entrepreneurship and that he may also feel capable and worthy and a good husband and father. It's hard on a man when he's struggling to provide and be "the man." But as my dear Sue always tells me: "But God." Even in the storm and struggle, God makes a way and calms the seas. The wind and seas obey Him; may I do so as well.
It turns out I am not over my PTSD as I thought. PTSD, for those who don't know, stands for Post Traumatic Stress Disorder. You remember how on this post I shared some thoughts that had crept on my mind about postponing my screening labs? Well, my thoughts might have tried to go to the right place, but there was a physical response in my body that sent me cascading down this rabbit hole.
I googled PTSD and here are some of the symptoms one might experience:
- Negative thoughts about yourself, other people or the world
- Hopelessness about the future
- Memory problems, including not remembering important aspects of the traumatic event
- Difficulty maintaining close relationships
- Feeling detached from family and friends
- Lack of interest in activities you once enjoyed
- Difficulty experiencing positive emotions
- Feeling emotionally numb
Who read my mind when making this list?
It all boils down to my fears. My fears spark chemical processes in my brain. I remember this happening last year with one of my checkups. In that time, my checkup wasn't still for another week, but I had been feeling flu symptoms. It starts burrowing in my mind that its cancer. I spoke to Bod Gunn, who is one of the few I can talk to and have him understand me 100%. He just said "Just go and do your labs a week ahead. You'll feel better instantly. It's what I do." And that time I did.
The fact was that I had no coping mechanisms in place. The fear was greater than my conscious mind thought, my body reacted to it, and with my early menopause and out-of-whack hormone balance including hypothyroidism, my brain also had no way of coping.
My doctor tried to explain it to me with a drowning man example. He survived a shipwreck and nearly drowning. Getting on another boat would be a catalyst. He could spend the rest of his life avoiding boats if that is how he copes. I have a check up every six months. That is my boat and I have no way to avoid it (unless I wanted to live oblivious which would in time make it worst on my fears). My traumatic event comes back to me on every check up. The cancer community call this "scanxiety." I thought it was a term of endearment to the nuisance that is having to do checkups, but it is so much more than that that the cancer community even named it.
"Are you afraid of dying?" asks my doctor.
"I'm confused," I admit, "because I don't want my cancer to come back. I do wish to see my girls grow up and grow old with my husband, but then I'm here because I'm having self-harm thoughts and thinking I deserve to die and cancer should have just taken me away and spared my family from me."
Jeez, Louise! I cried for the entirety of the 60 minutes with that lady. I'm crying right now as I put it down in writing. These lies are just so appalling!
She goes on to tell me that no happiness experienced is in vain. The fact that I could lose it all with one bad lab result doesn't take away the beauty of feeling joy in little things and happy memories. "It's about taking it one day at a time," she says. She goes on to tell me I need therapy in Let It Go!
There are videos in YouTube that show how Frozen and Frozen II are metaphors for mental health. Guess I could analyze that on the 100th time my girls make me watch Frozen II. (The "ah aah ah aah" of the soundtrack produced by Kaylee is driving us insane).
I got to let go of my fears, let go of cancer. It won't be easy. She says I'll need both therapy and medication to help me cope and get me in a good place again. She was happy the last time we saw each other was 18 months ago; and despite of how I'm feeling now, she feels I'm doing much better and looking a lot better too. She is positive I can get back in a good place in a shorter time frame and with less medication needed.
I was honest with her and I told her I was skeptical. I was skeptical that anything could help or that things could get better. I was skeptical when I heard her say I was a good mom and a good wife and human deserving life and happiness. I was skeptical that I could learn to let it go or that any of it would help. Poor doctors! They have to deal with us know-it-alls. But I told her the things she had said to me the last time had helped me move on from Kinsley's death, I had learn to let her go, and I had improved with her help. So, even though I'm skeptical, I'm here... aren't I?
I appreciate your words to me, even though I'm skeptical. You know I keep it real. But I appreciate them and my Spirit within me must receive them and pass them down to my heart despite what my brain thinks. I truly believe it was the right move to get help and hope to share with you better news soon. Please remember to keep praying for my hubs and his employment situation. Pray that God can give him wisdom in what should be his next move and his next entrepreneurship and that he may also feel capable and worthy and a good husband and father. It's hard on a man when he's struggling to provide and be "the man." But as my dear Sue always tells me: "But God." Even in the storm and struggle, God makes a way and calms the seas. The wind and seas obey Him; may I do so as well.
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