Learning to Breathe: April 2025

According to the deal I made with my daughters, this is my "last" party this extra. From now on, mommy will be giving them grocery-bought cakes and ice cream and a gettogether at the park for their birthdays. I put "last" in quotations because I know myself, and I know I won't want to stop. I did it for Emmalee's 12th birthday December of last year, and I did not like how that felt. I mean: they had fun, they ate cake and ice cream, they played and brought gifts. It just felt wrong. Unfortunately for Kaylee, since I did it once for Emmalee, I will do it once for her, so next birthday she is definitely getting the same treatment.

Ok, enough rambling!

I really wanted to make this party special because, as I rambled before, it was the "last" but mainly because it was the first time the CCA friends and the TRAIL friends (her former school and present school) would be together. I wanted to make sure they would have a lot of fun together and be able to mingle. So, I made sure their invitations let them know they were coming to Spy Academy to get them in the proper mindset.

This party nearly destroyed me! It confirmed that the deal of it being the last wasn't coming from a place of me wanting to stop but of me needing to stop. My health hasn't been the best these past months. I have been really struggling, so if you'd like, please take a moment to say a prayer for me. I am planning on writing a post soon about nearing my 10th year as a cancer survivor and what that has meant for me. Please stay tuned.

The day started with a disaster when my husband announced he was having a stomachache. My husband is NEVER sick, but when he is it's the end of the world. I was 2 hours late to decorate while I waited for him to feel good enough to drive. (For those who don't know, my eyesight is too poor for me to drive safely.) I hate having to rush to decorate and not having time to get dressed. But things are about to get worse. My husband spent the entire time I was setting up the main table setting up the laser path tent. Kaylee saw how cool the laser path looked and wanted to try it out before the party started. I told hew she would have to wait to do it with her friends as she needed to go home to get dressed and have lunch. My husband, mom, and daughters leave to do that while I stay to set up the remaining games and decorations. It hadn't rained for weeks! The morning had been scorching hot and even dry. And then the rain came. It was not ordinary rain. It was a downpour!

Let me take you through the events that came next. Emmalee and Rodolfo are bringing the cake from the car. Rodolfo is carrying it while Emmalee is doing her best to shield it from the flood with a windshield cover. They are both bathed and dressed, now getting completely soaked. The cake barely males it to the main table alive. Kaylee is stranded in the car in her party outfit. I put garden trash bags over Emmalee and Rodolfo so they may go to the car to retrieve the remaining party treats and give them an extra bag to bring Kaylee out. The four of us are staring at the entire park soaked while it is still torrentially raining, watching in disbelief at our laser path tent completely flooded, hoping the decorations survive the storm, wondering if anyone will still come to the party, and trying to hold back tears. I feel bad I couldn't at least let Kaylee have a go at laser path and have at least one person enjoy it. Rodolfo tells the girls that if it is only us there, we will make the best of it. It looked that bleak!

I send Rodolfo to get some ice from the store while I am still not done setting up. I had written in the invites to please be punctual, and I am not even dressed. I go to the tent to see if I can save it. It has caved in the middle with a pool of water. Since it is still raining, nothing can be done. I see the first guests arrive. My mortification is complete. Not only am I not dressed, but the hubs forgot to bring my bag of clothes from the car in all the commotion. I am greeting guests in my soaking wet, decoration clothes. The first guest is my new neighbor Marcelina, whose three daughters have become my daughters' best friends. She and the girls get into action to help me finish setting up. Marcelina and her eldest, Ariana, go to the kitchen to pop the popcorn and put it in the decorated containers. Kaylee and Delina help me put the treats on the table, and Emmale and Soraya help me clean out the trash from decorating.

People keep coming. I am still not dressed, but at this point I no longer care. I am just happy people are still showing up. And a miracle happens. The rain stops. I have lived in Panama for 8 years now. Rain usually doesn't ruin plans here. Rain is expected to be unpredictable. It will rain one second and then be the perfect day the next second. But we know what type of rain is not the one that lets out easily. This was that type of rain. Some parents had been texting me asking if the party would continue because they too knew this was not a rain that would stop. But it did. It stopped out of nowhere. My mom finally brings my bag of clothes, but I want to take a crack at the laser path one more time. I go over and start pulling the tent from the sides to make the water flow out from the center. It was the equivalent of draining a large outdoor pool. Water is flowing all the way up to my calves. I don't care because it is working. The hubs is still not back, so I ask Franklyn to help me tighten the ropes to bring the tent back up. We get it up. I quickly go inside and fix the laser beams. This had taken my husband all morning to set. How did I get it up in like 15 minutes? I do not know!

And so. the party began!

Because of everything that happened, I did not take a single picture this party. All of these pictures came from the kindness of my friends who knew I would want some shots of the party. Thank you for trying your best.

Kaylee is dressed like Anya sans the pink wig.

I honestly feel this is the most beautiful cake I have ever made. I kept looking at it in disbelief that I actually made it. It came out just as I imagined it.

Here it is straight out of the car. You can see how wet the table and the cakestand are. The cake will not make it to the end of the party. Luckily, it was just as good on the inside.

Because I did not take the pictures, I don't have all the details. Here you can see my Spy X Family plushies. You can see the popcorn, but not the themed containers. You can barely see my mustache cookies. You cannot make out the bagged brownies, but Adriana called them "deliciosisimo."

At least I got one picture of someone with the mustache cookies. Thank you, Mia!

I made several cookie designs, yet this is the only picture I have of them. We had question marks, shoe prints, mustaches, locks, fingerprints, and top-secret cookies.

I made an Emmalee sign just like this one for her Breath of the Wild party that is still above her bed. Kaylee was so excited to have her own on her bed. Unfortunately, it did not survive the rain. Fortunately, Mom can make a new one. It is the only pic of my Yor and Loyd figurines.

Here is a picture of my backdrop. I painted that one at school with my watercolors. How did that paper survive the storm was another miracle.

Let's continue with the party. I was about to go get dressed when I thought it would be better to start the party and leave the kids doing the first activity. I tell them that I am their commander, and they must address me as "L" for the remainder of the party. I separate them into groups of 4 that I decide.

Mission 1: get into costume. The kids had been told to bring a costume, but at this point, all I did was ask them to put on glasses.

They look cute!

My amazing spy academy! Every single kid who had been invited, except one that had a family emergency, came.

Mission 2: Pass security check. I made these passports for them to fill out using their secret agent name.

I used ChatGPT to make this name chart. I modified some of the suggestions because I didn't like all of them. Their agent's name was a red herring, though. I had made the parents fill out a Google sheet with the kid's full name and date of birth.

I got this printable from the International Spy Museum website in their birthday package. It has more cool ideas.

Inside the passport was a fingerprint chart to fill in using ink pads. They had a lot of fun with this one because I had a multicolored pad. I thought they would use it to print in rainbow patterns. Nope! They took the time to print each finger a different color.

While the kids filled out their passports and fingerprint charts, I was finally able to get dressed. I would be wearing wet sneakers for the rest of the party, but the dry socks did more than I expected. I was feeling much better once my feet were out of the soaking socks for sure!

I had instructed the kids to keep their identity a secret to pass the security check. I had a sheet with me when I was checking each passport. They thought I was checking that they had the proper agent name. I was checking their date of birth. If they put in their real birth date on the passport, they did not pass the check. The kids were flabbergasted when I would announce they didn't pass security. It was a lot of fun. I allowed some time to figure out why they had failed for an extra point for their team. All the agents who failed the check cost their team a point. Kaylee did pass the check, but she looks serious in this picture.

Mission 3: Shooting training

Next, we went to the shooting training where each kid got 3 shots to hit a target to make points for their teams. Valentina was the only girl to get a point, and Jack was the only boy not only to get one point but to get all three shots! Impressive!

These CCA girls are the best! We miss them so much!

Mission 4: Laser beam path

I had this printable for hidden codes that I had put inside the tent when we set it up. These did not survive the water.

I made the spyglasses just like the ones in this picture. I remembered this picture at the party and knew I could remake the hidden message in the laser path using red ink. I got Jackie making those when I finished the security check, and Rodolfo went to set them up while we were in shooting training. In separate pieces of paper, the message said: "The secret code is 05 60 48 72."

They had the spyglasses ready to take their turn. The boys specifically said the spyglass was not needed to read the message. You can see in the picture of the example that you could indeed make out the words without the red decoder. However, because of this, most of the boys read the message as 98 instead of the correct 48 and failed the mission.

The girls, on the other hand, had the message right but struggled to remember the full code. You can see in this picture that going through the laser beams was not easy. Adri is being watchful of getting the code right through the spyglass. She was my favorite at the party. She never once forgot to call me "L".

Mission 5: Solve the murder mystery!

I got this printable here.

I am putting both of these pages sliced so that it is only a sneak peek. The printable is free, so please follow the link to download for fair use. I asked Pamela to help me put the 6 clues spread through the park. I am glad I hadn't done this when I was setting up, or I would have lost this mission to the rain as I had only one print of each. Each team was given the murder investigation sheet. Each clue was a puzzle they had to solve to find out the suspect, the location, and the murder weapon. I had to help them with 2 of the puzzles, except for Lily's team who solved them all on their own. She is a trained Girl Scout, and it showed. She was upset her team didn't win because the boys on her team got the laser beam code wrong.

Kaylee said she was sad Mr. Chimera was the piñata because she didn't want to hit him.

She quickly got over that notion.

Mission 6: Find the secret message in the tunnel.

I can't believe I have no picture of this mission. Not even a hint of it. I placed 5 boxes that the kids could barely go through. I put the boxes inside black garden trash bags and glued them together to make a tunnel. I hot-glued yellow neon cardstock on each box with a message written with a yellow highlighter. I made a blacklight flashlight using a normal flashlight covered in purple and blue sharpie-colored transparent tape. I thought no kid would go through the tunnel. It was flimsy, tight, and hot. Almost all of them went through it! I was so proud when the first agent came out to tell me the secret message: "Hello, my name is Inigo Montoya. You killed my father. Prepare to die."

And as usual, Mom dies in the end. It was her first time dying barefoot, but I could not withstand the wet sneakers anymore! I have never been more grateful to everyone who helped make this party a reality. Thank you so much!

Marcelina's daughters, Soraya, Delina, and Arian, along with Emmalee, made this poster for Kaylee. We are truly blessed.

Dear Kaylee,

You are 11! Will I still be able to call you my baby? Absolutely! You will be my baby until the end of my life. I never thought I would understand the meaning of fragile strength or loud silence. You are quiet but not shy. You are strong but always kind. It's such a wonder to see you be you. Please continue being unapologetically you. I fear the pressure of teen life approaching. You have been immune to it longer than your sister. I just don't want to see you change who you are for someone else. Although I must admit, child, you need to care about what others think in some circumstances. Your stinky feet need to stay away from me.

You are following in the footsteps of your sister on the volleyball team, but you have the unique quality that you were thrust onto the stage much quicker with higher necessity. Your sister had the advantage of having teammates she could learn from while supporting them from the bench. You started in a smaller team that had to send you to the trenches from the start. You basically started as a varsity player. You are so fast and energetic that your dad and I have been encouraging you to become the libero. From the card above, I can see that the idea has borne fruit in your heart. We will support you as well.

Baby, I am so sorry for having to change schools. Your friends from CCA are simply the best. Leaving your class was the hardest thing because every one of your classmates was pure gold. The fact that everyone showed up to your flooded party shows how much love there is. I am so glad you have a beautiful group at TRAIL as well. You had your first Spanish spelling bee, and you did amazing. I was incredibly proud of you. You misspelled a word on stage and went back to your seat, and burst in tears. Emmalee was about to run to console you when she saw that all your classmates were already enveloping you with hugs and words of encouragement. You did so well on your history presentation talking about Honduras. You have grown so much academically and socially.

We have had our hard times this year. You are still struggling to be truthful, even after you have seen how much trouble you get into when you are not. I have to say that I love how I have seen your heart grow into a contrite heart. Baby, keep asking the Lord, as I do, to create in you a clean heart. He is the only One Who can free us from the chains of sin. Don't give up just because it hasn't come naturally to you. You belong to your Father, the way, the truth, and the life, and not to the father of lies. I have seen you grow in repentance and confession. These are not simple or easy things to learn. Do not be ashamed of them. Everything that happens, if we use it to come closer to our Redeemer, is worth it.

I have loved having devotionals with you every week. I would worry if you were taking them seriously because you also struggled to find the motivation to continue going to Crosswalk. But you have taken your journaling earnestly seeking to hear His Word and obey. You are getting ready for your second mission trip, this time to Parara Puru. Oh, baby, mommy has been very nervous about this one. It will be the first time you go anywhere without Mom. I have thought of not letting you go, but I have heard the Holy Spirit rebuke me, telling me you don't belong to me; You belong to Him. You were made to follow Him and do His work wherever you go. I must relinquish you. I am praying long and hard that you will be ok, and you will also have fun and serve those around you. Be the light on a hill, my darling. That is what we were made for.

I love you, Kaylee. I love you forever.

Mom

Dear Emmalee,

I told you I wouldn't do any more birthday parties as "extra" as I used to. I held to my word. I didn't think I would. I honestly did not think I would want to stop. Life, however, made me. It is just not as easy for my body to keep up anymore. I just did Kaylee's last one (Her 11th. Yes, I am writing this letter very late), and it nearly killed me. Honestly, the last-minute flood almost killed me more than the party itself. But just because I won't be documenting your party doesn't mean I will stop writing you letters. I love to go back and read these letters to see how you have changed, how the way I view you has changed, how the way we talk has changed, and how the subjects get more "grown-upy".

My dearest, you are a lady! How did this happen? Where is my little girl? Can I make you stop? I think I write this in every single one of your letters. I don't know if I write this in Kaylee's letters, but if I do, I know it is a lot less than in yours. You just go ahead of the curve. You just want to grow up now. I keep trying to stop you. I keep trying to keep your inner child alive with the sense of wonder and the permission to be silly. You find everything so cringy. You don't let yourself or others be goofy. The good-impression pressure keeps the real you at bay. I guess it can't be helped. You are your mother's child after all (I am pretty sure I have said this in your letters before as well). I pray that you can learn to let yourself be however God made you, without concern for what others think faster than your mommy did.

I am always in awe of you, though. You are a loyal and gentle friend. You have blossomed in your school. You don't carry the prejudice and rejection from your previous school with you. Instead, you make sure you befriend those on the fringes and even those who are not so easy to love. Some of your closest friends are a challenge for you, but that does not stop you from doing your best to be the best friend you can be. You are learning that a good friend is someone who makes you a better person. You have many of those friends around you, but you are still learning to speak up and confront those areas of your friends you disapprove of. You got the non-confrontational gene from your father. It is a double-edged sword. You are slowly learning it is ok to speak up and that your real friends will be able to take it.

I can't tell you how happy I am that you found Camille. It was a dream of mine that you two would hit it off. I hope that you two are together for the rest of your high school life and hopefully even beyond that. We both miss Emma. She was such a good friend. I wish we could have brought her with us to our new school. But I knew Camille would be a friend with whom you would be encouraged to fall in love with reading, learning, art, whimsy, and kindness. In turn, you make Camille more social, adventurous, daring, and fearless. You two are the perfect yin and yang. In 8 years, I'll be praying you find your male version of Camille. My favorite thing that I did not expect was that you two are growing in Christ together. I am excited to see how God will shape your hearts together as He brings you closer to His. I just love that we get to do Crossfire together, and now we even get to have Lily on that journey.

We've had our challenges this year. It was the first year you broke my heart. I knew this day would come. I thought I was prepared. I was not. It hurt more than I expected. But everything is for the good of those who seek Him. God has turned that heartache into a pathway for us to have difficult conversations that are laying the foundation for you to develop convictions. We have been talking a lot about learning God's commands and how to hear His voice and obey. It's hard for me because I know this is only the beginning. The heartbreaks will only get bigger. I will need to let you go and make mistakes and watch you suffer the consequences of your decisions. I will try to guide you and hear you out. I will try to console and comfort you. I cannot protect you, and that is hard for me because I want to control the pain that comes your way. I know you need to walk that path in order to shape who you are in Christ. I will be here praying on my knees and with all my heart that you hold tight the only hope in this life.

You are still my volleyball star, and your journey has just begun. We were finally able to get you into a volleyball academy. I am not going to lie; I am still fretting about how we'll be able to afford it. But your dad and I agreed that is what we work so hard for. You recently had your first volleyball open. Shorty, you had only been on the team ONE week, but when they put you in, you scored 8 points with your serve alone! I have it all on video, of course! I am so incredibly proud of your drive and determination. Dream big, baby, because we are here to support your dreams. I don't know if this will take you to a scholarship or not. Even if it doesn't, watching you go for your dreams will be one of the best things I did in life.

I love you beyond what words can express. I love you forever.

Mom.