Learning to Breathe: Dear Emmalee Age 12

Dear Emmalee,

I told you I wouldn't do any more birthday parties as "extra" as I used to. I held to my word. I didn't think I would. I honestly did not think I would want to stop. Life, however, made me. It is just not as easy for my body to keep up anymore. I just did Kaylee's last one (Her 11th. Yes, I am writing this letter very late), and it nearly killed me. Honestly, the last-minute flood almost killed me more than the party itself. But just because I won't be documenting your party doesn't mean I will stop writing you letters. I love to go back and read these letters to see how you have changed, how the way I view you has changed, how the way we talk has changed, and how the subjects get more "grown-upy".

My dearest, you are a lady! How did this happen? Where is my little girl? Can I make you stop? I think I write this in every single one of your letters. I don't know if I write this in Kaylee's letters, but if I do, I know it is a lot less than in yours. You just go ahead of the curve. You just want to grow up now. I keep trying to stop you. I keep trying to keep your inner child alive with the sense of wonder and the permission to be silly. You find everything so cringy. You don't let yourself or others be goofy. The good-impression pressure keeps the real you at bay. I guess it can't be helped. You are your mother's child after all (I am pretty sure I have said this in your letters before as well). I pray that you can learn to let yourself be however God made you, without concern for what others think faster than your mommy did.

I am always in awe of you, though. You are a loyal and gentle friend. You have blossomed in your school. You don't carry the prejudice and rejection from your previous school with you. Instead, you make sure you befriend those on the fringes and even those who are not so easy to love. Some of your closest friends are a challenge for you, but that does not stop you from doing your best to be the best friend you can be. You are learning that a good friend is someone who makes you a better person. You have many of those friends around you, but you are still learning to speak up and confront those areas of your friends you disapprove of. You got the non-confrontational gene from your father. It is a double-edged sword. You are slowly learning it is ok to speak up and that your real friends will be able to take it.

I can't tell you how happy I am that you found Camille. It was a dream of mine that you two would hit it off. I hope that you two are together for the rest of your high school life and hopefully even beyond that. We both miss Emma. She was such a good friend. I wish we could have brought her with us to our new school. But I knew Camille would be a friend with whom you would be encouraged to fall in love with reading, learning, art, whimsy, and kindness. In turn, you make Camille more social, adventurous, daring, and fearless. You two are the perfect yin and yang. In 8 years, I'll be praying you find your male version of Camille. My favorite thing that I did not expect was that you two are growing in Christ together. I am excited to see how God will shape your hearts together as He brings you closer to His. I just love that we get to do Crossfire together, and now we even get to have Lily on that journey.

We've had our challenges this year. It was the first year you broke my heart. I knew this day would come. I thought I was prepared. I was not. It hurt more than I expected. But everything is for the good of those who seek Him. God has turned that heartache into a pathway for us to have difficult conversations that are laying the foundation for you to develop convictions. We have been talking a lot about learning God's commands and how to hear His voice and obey. It's hard for me because I know this is only the beginning. The heartbreaks will only get bigger. I will need to let you go and make mistakes and watch you suffer the consequences of your decisions. I will try to guide you and hear you out. I will try to console and comfort you. I cannot protect you, and that is hard for me because I want to control the pain that comes your way. I know you need to walk that path in order to shape who you are in Christ. I will be here praying on my knees and with all my heart that you hold tight the only hope in this life.

You are still my volleyball star, and your journey has just begun. We were finally able to get you into a volleyball academy. I am not going to lie; I am still fretting about how we'll be able to afford it. But your dad and I agreed that is what we work so hard for. You recently had your first volleyball open. Shorty, you had only been on the team ONE week, but when they put you in, you scored 8 points with your serve alone! I have it all on video, of course! I am so incredibly proud of your drive and determination. Dream big, baby, because we are here to support your dreams. I don't know if this will take you to a scholarship or not. Even if it doesn't, watching you go for your dreams will be one of the best things I did in life.

I love you beyond what words can express. I love you forever.

Mom.