Be my strength please!

September 15, Honduran holiday!
I know I just came back from vacations, but I am so excited for the day off tomorrow. Interestingly enough, it is 12:27 am and I am not sleepy. If I had to work tomorrow and I was still awake, right now I would be stressing that I won't have enough strength and I'm going to wake up with a headache which will accompany me all day long. It is strange to me that getting enough rest is such a huge concern to me. It seriously is. Yet, since I have the longed holiday tomorrow, I'm "wasting" my rest time.

To get enough rest stresses me so that I dread going to church on the weekdays, and even on the weekends. True concern or just an excuse? It concerns me so much that I dread going out with my husband on the weekdays too. If he wants to go to the movies or to dineer the inner struggle in me rages a mind-heart battle to wilfully move my body and reject my craving for rest.

Why such a battle, might you ask? I suffer of hipothyroidism. It is a disease in which my body's strength consumes faster. Have I hidden behind my disease to justify laziness maybe?

I have been able to keep a content and grateful heart with my demanding job and my wife duties of cooking lunch every night. Several months ago these endeavours made my heart bitter and sad. Now, I am able to "endure" them more gracefully. But I am being honest when I say I dread being tired. I dread going to church during the weekdays, have to get home till 9pm to cook, to finally sit down and rest till maybe 11pm. Just by writing this and picturing the scenario I can imagine what my back pain and leg pain would feel.

Lately I have been dealing with cronic pains on my legs. I have come to believe that it is from lack of exercise. Lsst week I took the first days off since july of last year (Seriously, I went to work on December 25th and January 1st). My husband and I had the blessing to travel and spend 4 days at a lovely beach resort in El Salvador. There we got to exercise alot in the pool, doing some biking, walking down the beach, and even going to the gym. I have felt better from my pain and have realized I need it. I dread working out and adding hours to my day like you have no idea (plus the added expense). I am also aware that the extra weight I've gained this past two months are also hurting my legs.

I confessed to my brothers and sisters at church that this was making me very fearful. You see I'm very zealous of my resting time because without it my body becomes ill and aching. This makes me fearful of many, many things. If I am this ill with this amount of tired, how will I be when I have the four children I desire? Will my body be able to withstand it? Will I be able to serve my husband and children healthy and joyfully? Can I become better and stronger?

It truly is a strong fear in my heart. I fear being an ill person. I like taking charge, serving others, and being active. I have been slowly moving away from this person to a secluded, reserved, and inactive person fearful of more activity.

Dear Lord,

Satan has been keeping me in fear far too long now. I have rested on my own strength far too long too. I wish to live resting and hoping in You. I want to be submerged in your love that there is no room for fear. I ask You to put in me a stronger desire to go and do, than to stay and rest. Let me know that my rest will be in Your hands and so will my body. Help me endure the pain with a quiet and gentle spirit, so that it may be easier on my husband too for he suffers along with me; may he not have to endure a bad-tempered wife also. Oh Father, help me feel Your embrace and Your comfort. Give me and the hubby discipline to work on our diets and exercise so we may improve our health. Give me will to not be controlled by this any longer. May I get a hold of your promises and believe that I will soar like eagles, and I will walk and won't get tired.

I love You Father

1 comment:

  1. Oh sweet friend!
    How I will pray for you! I pray that you will find a doctor that can help you come up with a healthy solution to this issue and for you, that you would find time to rest and enjoy this lovely life that God has given you. I will pray for you!
    Hugs and blessings,