Combating a hardened-heart state of being

I've never considered myself a philosophical person, but I think I am one more than I think.
My favorite book in the Bible to read is Ecclesiastes, and, to my humble opinion, it is the most philosophical book in the Bible.
It addressed the questions and reasons of life, love, and why.

Fumoffu's death still haunts me. I must confess I haven't felt very warm and fuzzy inside since and I hadn't realized how much it had affected me.
My pastor, who happens to also be a doctor, adviced me not to linger in the sadness of losing my darling Fumoffu because it would make the baby more sensible to negative emotions like sorrow and depression.
I honestly have not been dwelling on her death or letting sad thoughts of what happened inside my head, but there are somethings my mind still doesn't have control over my body. 
As much as I try to stay positive, my stomach likes to act out when I'm feeling down and it's been a slow process getting my swollen colon back to normal.

In the spirit of confession, I haven't felt too inclined to search for the spiritual either. I have been praying and reading my Bible less and the flame of desire for more of the Lord feels a little extinguished. You know, those days when you know you have a hardened heart? I hate my hardened heart state of being and I try to combat it as soon as possible. The fact that I journaled more often when I was a teenager certainly helped keep this condition away, for I would bring my mind back to the right train of thought. I think it was really the Spirit Who brought this right train of thought back; I was just more open.

Back to Ecclesiastes.
Solomon was granted great wisdom and I find myself pondering on his own pondering of life:

Ecclesiastes 1:2

"Vanity of vanities, says the Preacher, vanity of vanities; all is vanity."
Here is an interesting definition of vain
1: having no real value : idle, worthless <vain pretensions>
2: marked by futility or ineffectualness : unsuccessful, useless<vain efforts to escape>
3: archaic : foolish, silly

My definition for vain was also futile, thus life is futile.
What use was it for a mother to sacrifice everything for years in order to raise her children alone to have them reproach her when they are older?
What is the use of a husband's great love for his wife when he could lose her to death so impressively easily?
Or how easy it would be for an expectant mother to lose what she dreams and hopes for?

I read about a man killing 77 people in Norway because of his political beliefs and regretting his death toll wasn't greater.
I read about the fact that an average of 44 women are murder in my country per month.
I hate it when I see pictures in facebook requesting likes that would "help" a child get surgery and display the little one's feeble and regretable state.

I was telling my husband that I was afraid of taking a vacation trip because I'm afraid something might happen to us with our country's non-stop growing corruption. He said to me: "Where is your trust?" to which I answered: "My trust can be on the Lord and that still doesn't mean the evil in this world can't touch me." And then as we arrived home in the dark and lonely street infront of my house I realized: "I could as easily be killed here opening the garage of my house as anywhere else."

The evil in this world is too great. The futility of life is too great.
Like having a perfect record at work for months of 0 programs with errors and have a single error bring all that crumbling down.
You strive for growth and maturity, and discipline and responsability, but we are just too imperfected.
Of all of God's creation, mankind is the most flawed.
I've even heard my atheist co-workers use that point for their created-in-God's-image argument. And I know that it is the curse of sin in this world that is to blame. But try explaining sin! I try.
Sin and death, loss and suffering all introduced by one man and one woman. I get angry at them from time to time and then I remember I would have probably been no better.

I sound depressive, don't l? Didn't I tell you I detest this hardened-heart state of being!
What I usually do is place all this thoughts down and then contradict them with God's love and God's Word. Find joy in life in Him and in a life filled with grattitude.
Today I turn to one of my favorite writers alive, Jon Foreman.

Jon Foreman the Cure for Pain Lyrics

So I'm not sure why it always flows downhill
Why broken cisterns never could stay filled
I've spent ten years singing gravity away
But the water keeps on falling from the sky

And here tonight while the stars are blacking out
With every hope and dream I've ever had in doubt
I've spent ten years trying to sing these doubts away
But the water keeps on falling from my eyes

And heaven knows, heaven knows
I tried to find a cure for the pain
Oh my Lord! To suffer like you do
It would be a lie to run away

So blood is fire pulsing through our veins
We're either writers or fools behind the reigns
I've spent ten years trying to sing it all way
But the water keeps on falling from my tries

And heaven knows, heaven knows
I tried to find a cure for the pain
Oh my Lord! To suffer like you do
It would be a lie to run away
A lie to run
It would be a lie
It would be a lie to run away

It keeps on falling (x4)
Water keeps on falling from my eyes

And heaven knows, heaven knows
I tried to find a cure for the pain
Oh my Lord! To suffer like you do
It would be a lie to run away (x3)

Oh my Lord! to suffer like you do...
Isn't he brilliant? One day (maybe,hopefully) I'll be able to express a feeling in words so vividly and universally that can convey so much to such a great and diverse crowd.
I liked a facebook status a dear friend wrote;
"We are constantly confused about suffering because we are not living for the right reasons"
Interesting food for thought, don't you think?
I'm hoping to overcome this state of being. I take heart in this verse:

Romans 12:21

Do not be overcome by evil, but overcome evil with good.

This life in this world is futile, but I must remember this is not my home. I am a foreigner here and will never feel completely in place.
And as this is the faith and hope I've been given, I continue to add goodness to my faith to overcome evil.
Even the wisest man that lived has a spirited conclusion to life after all the vanity:

Ecclesiastes 12
13 Now all has been heard;
    here is the conclusion of the matter:
Fear God and keep his commandments,
    for this is the duty of all mankind.
14 For God will bring every deed into judgment,
    including every hidden thing,
    whether it is good or evil.

That's good philosophy!


  1. THis part of your post - this one --------- "this is not my home. I am a foreigner here and will never feel completely in place." That part brought a tear. Ecclesiastes is AWESOME philosophy. And I'm sorry you have lost your friend. I rally am. BIG HUG. It was about a year ago that someone's death bought my heart and soul - and me - to my knees. I'll be writing about if starting next week - for a month - on both blogs. I can't forget - you don't think there's a time you will forget - but the memories will fade - it's at that time you should remember. God bless you Linda!!!

    1. thank you for your encouragment dear friend :).
      I'll keep an eye open for those posts! :)