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1/10/2014

Happy new year!

I've been silent for some time on this blog wondering if I should share what has been in my heart.
You see, here I like to be brutally honest. I don't like to write to be politically correct or sound mature and wise. I like to write to bare my heart. But I've been wondering if I want what's on my heart known.
I am not one to hide what is on my heart, but I dread ever hurting with my written words, especially words left on the never-forgetting internet.

My writing silence has began since my second pregnancy has evolved.
I took vacations this winter and I could swear I doubled in size.
This second pregnancy has been hard to share. Not because I don't want it, but because I feel so different with it. I don't know if this feeling different has to do with the fact I'm less scared this time around or if it's because it doesn't have the "new" factor.
I would hate my other children to feel I love them any less because I'm not freaking out in my pregnancies like I was with Emmalee.
I haven't figured out yet why I feel so different.
Sometimes I think it's because I don't fear my world would end if I lost this child because I would have Emmalee to live for.
But when thoughts like that come to my mind I worry if my heart is in the right place. Does this mean that if I lost Emmalee my world would end? Isn't God my reason to live and the number 1 in my heart? And how would my relationship with Him be if I lost my family?
And I think I would be able to survive losing a child but I search for Kaylee's movements every hour of everyday and every waking moment. I even wake up just to seek her.
Am I so desperately seeking God?

The words in the Bible "Jealous is his name for He is a jealous God" (Exodus 34:14) makes me tremble. I love God. I want nothing else but to teach my children to love Him wholeheartedly. Will I be able to teach them that If I don't live it?
Do I love God more than my family? I am even scared of mentioning it for fear of having it put to the test. I read the book of Job and can't even fathom his trials. I say my world wouldn't end if I lost a child yet Kaylee and Emmalee are on my mind constantly.

"Thou wilt keep him in perfect peace, whose mind is stayed on Thee, because he trusteth in Thee." Isaiah 26:3. This is my favorite passage from the book of Isaiah. When I first read it when I was reading the Bible for the very first time, it caught my eye because it said that his thought stayed on the Lord continuouly. My thought stays constantly on God but to ask Him to keep my daughters safe.

I've noticed a change in my relationship with Emmalee. As a first time mom who is very fearful, my relationship with Emmalee was about making sure nothing bad happened to her. Now I'm alot more chill and instead of worrying so much I get to enjoy her more. I let her fall down and pick herself up. I let her get down from the bed and watch her be so careful when doing so. I love how she is so careful with the entrance step to the house and she steps it so well. I get to laugh more and learn more from her and with her.
The other day while I was heating my lunch at work I had this mental picture of her baring her teeth in a big grin and that brought the silliest smile to my face. A student passed by and gave me this weird look like if saying "you look crazy smiling to yourself like that."
My thoughts of her are not wondering if she is fine, if she is getting enough nap time, enough solid foods from her caregivers. I rest more confidently in God's care of her and just wonder what new thing she is going to show me today. As of lately, she cracks me and my husband up with all the new things she does that are so unexpected and cute.
I think I need to go back to that kind of relationship with God.
Enough with going to God just to intercede for my family. Enough with being afraid and forgetting Who is my Shepherd that guides me through the valley of death.
I want my heart to say: "The Lord is my strength and song, and He has become my salvation. This is my God and I will praise Him. He is my father and I will extol Him." Exodus 15:2
I want my heart to say "great is the Lord and greatly to be praised"(1 chron 16:25). Or my heart say "Because Your lovingkindness is better than life, my lips will praise You." (Psalm 63:3) Where is that heart that longed to come to the presence of the Lord to gaze on His beauty and adore Him for His undeserving love? Where is that heart that longed for fellowship with Him?
During christmas I was thinking alot in baby Jesus. People take John 3:16 lightly because they've heard it so many times. I was analyzing it. "He gave His only begotten son." In the Spanish version it says "firstborn Child." I pondered and pondered in those words as I watched my only begotten and firstborn child sleep. How terrible ordeal it must have been to God to give His Child. And to give Him to a world that denies and despises Him. I would never. Do we realize in that verse how a great a sacrifice He made, how great a love He showed? And I remember the day Emmalee came into this world with the whole hospital's nursery just for herself and then think of baby Jesus in that manger. My Lord and Saviour in a lowly manger!
During winter vacation we were able to visit our local church in Panama. I loved the christmas service. The pastor was comparing Jesus being born into that filthy manger as a metaphor of Him coming to dwell in our sinful, filthy hearts. Great is Him and greatly to be praise indeed!
The world is scary. It truly scares me. It scares me what it can do to my family, to my husband, to my girls. Life is unrelenting and cruel, but God is good and just. Yes, jealous is His name, but so is love. He wants my love and gives me unimaginable love in return.
I am blessed beyond measure with this second pregnancy. My heart knows it even if my wallet doesn't. Children are God's blessing and I am not going to let any circumstance or person tell me otherwise. I'm not going to let any hardship that might come steal the blessing that is to have children. I will forget about how heavy my body is. I will rejoice in the fact that my body is able to contain so much love and show it on my humongous belly. I rejoice that God saw it fit to give me another child. I will rest in the fact that He will be my strength when handling two babies at once. I will give thanks and praise His goodness for giving me such a loving and caring husband to live each day at a time. I give thanks he gave me a loving mother who still looks over me. I give thanks he gave me a wonderful family-in-love that is serviceable and kind. And I won't forget of the God Who loves me with a steadfast love that is unconditional in spite of myself.
I hope I can share my heart here more often and it is a heart transformed by God's heart. Happy new year!




1 comment:

  1. What a gorgeous family picture of the four of you!!

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