I am in pause mode.
I don't know what to make of my life.
I feel like just going through the motions.
A few days ago I was so desperate I almost decide to stay in Panama for good.
Let me fill you in.
My husband accepted a job working as a civil engineer in the construction of a dam. It is a great opportunity and a great job. Did I mention this job offer came the day after this post?
There I was crying to the Lord to answer our request of employment for my husband, and he got two offers the very next day. The catch? They are both far away from home. He started there last Monday. He needs to be there eleven days and come home for only three for the next six months!
Luckily, that first week we were spending it apart I was going to spend it in Panama city visiting my mom and sister. I was having a great time sharing with both of them and with my daughters, watching them interact with each other. They are the world's best Grandma and Aunt. My daughters had the time of their life.
And it hit me that I had nothing to go back to Honduras to. My husband was not going to be home most of the time. I do not have a home as I still live with my in-laws. I got a no at the job I had applied that I really wanted and didn't have much motivation to go back to my current job. But I might have not much to go back to Honduras to, but my daughters did. When Emmalee realized we were getting on a plane, she realized she was going home. It is home for her, and a happy home at that. The first thing she asked me when we got off the plane was if we were going to see her dad. "No, sweetie, we are not seeing your dad just yet." Boy, that first night at our room without my husband really made it all come true. Goodness, this is just the first time we'll be this way. I am actually closer to seeing him that I will be the next time.
I feel in pause mode.
I feel like my life just stopped and it isn't going anywhere.
Like, what is the purpose of it all?
This might be my depression talking, but it is how I feel.
Like if life in the next months is just to pass it by.
Like this months don't count in the story of our life.
Yesterday I was bathing the girls, and they were just so happy splashing in the water smiling. I picked up Kaylee and just stayed there staring at her wonderful face. Emmalee was cuddling with me as we watched Frozen for the third time and pause mode didn't seem so bad. They both have been singing "Let it go" all week long they are going to drive me crazy. A part of the lyrics (which is the only part of that lyric I like) says: "It's funny how some distance makes everything seem small and the fears that once controlled me can get to me at all."
We both have jobs. They might not be what we wanted, but so many don't even have one to cover theirs needs, and some more.
I just had an amazing vacation time that was just what I needed to recharge batteries. So many people don't get to spend a week like that.
We both have good health and our daughters have good health to enjoy the little things in life like splashing baths and warm beds watching Frozen for the nth time.
I don't know what is next in my life. We are living day to day, which is how we are supposed to live.
Matthew 6:34
So do not worry or be anxious about tomorrow, for tomorrow will have worries and anxieties of its own. Sufficient for each day is its own trouble.
Ecclesiastes 9:
11 Here is something else I have learned:
The fastest runners and the greatest heroes don’t always win races and battles.
Wisdom, intelligence, and skill don’t always make you healthy, rich, or popular.
We each have our share of bad luck.
12 None of us know when we might fall victim to a sudden disaster and find ourselves like fish in a net or birds in a trap.
Barbara Ryberg's poem “Step by Step.”
He does not lead me year by year
Nor even day by day,
But step by step my path unfolds;
My Lord directs my way.
Tomorrow’s plans I do not know,
I only know this minute;
But He will say, “This is the way,
By faith now walk ye in it.”
And I am glad that it is so,
Today’s enough to bear;
And when tomorrow comes, His grace
Shall far exceed its care.
What need to worry then, or fret?
The God who gave His Son
Holds all my moments in His hand
And gives them, one by one.
I don't know what to make of my life.
I feel like just going through the motions.
A few days ago I was so desperate I almost decide to stay in Panama for good.
Let me fill you in.
My husband accepted a job working as a civil engineer in the construction of a dam. It is a great opportunity and a great job. Did I mention this job offer came the day after this post?
There I was crying to the Lord to answer our request of employment for my husband, and he got two offers the very next day. The catch? They are both far away from home. He started there last Monday. He needs to be there eleven days and come home for only three for the next six months!
Luckily, that first week we were spending it apart I was going to spend it in Panama city visiting my mom and sister. I was having a great time sharing with both of them and with my daughters, watching them interact with each other. They are the world's best Grandma and Aunt. My daughters had the time of their life.
And it hit me that I had nothing to go back to Honduras to. My husband was not going to be home most of the time. I do not have a home as I still live with my in-laws. I got a no at the job I had applied that I really wanted and didn't have much motivation to go back to my current job. But I might have not much to go back to Honduras to, but my daughters did. When Emmalee realized we were getting on a plane, she realized she was going home. It is home for her, and a happy home at that. The first thing she asked me when we got off the plane was if we were going to see her dad. "No, sweetie, we are not seeing your dad just yet." Boy, that first night at our room without my husband really made it all come true. Goodness, this is just the first time we'll be this way. I am actually closer to seeing him that I will be the next time.
I feel in pause mode.
I feel like my life just stopped and it isn't going anywhere.
Like, what is the purpose of it all?
This might be my depression talking, but it is how I feel.
Like if life in the next months is just to pass it by.
Like this months don't count in the story of our life.
Yesterday I was bathing the girls, and they were just so happy splashing in the water smiling. I picked up Kaylee and just stayed there staring at her wonderful face. Emmalee was cuddling with me as we watched Frozen for the third time and pause mode didn't seem so bad. They both have been singing "Let it go" all week long they are going to drive me crazy. A part of the lyrics (which is the only part of that lyric I like) says: "It's funny how some distance makes everything seem small and the fears that once controlled me can get to me at all."
We both have jobs. They might not be what we wanted, but so many don't even have one to cover theirs needs, and some more.
I just had an amazing vacation time that was just what I needed to recharge batteries. So many people don't get to spend a week like that.
We both have good health and our daughters have good health to enjoy the little things in life like splashing baths and warm beds watching Frozen for the nth time.
I don't know what is next in my life. We are living day to day, which is how we are supposed to live.
Matthew 6:34
So do not worry or be anxious about tomorrow, for tomorrow will have worries and anxieties of its own. Sufficient for each day is its own trouble.
Ecclesiastes 9:
11 Here is something else I have learned:
The fastest runners and the greatest heroes don’t always win races and battles.
Wisdom, intelligence, and skill don’t always make you healthy, rich, or popular.
We each have our share of bad luck.
12 None of us know when we might fall victim to a sudden disaster and find ourselves like fish in a net or birds in a trap.
I have to say those verses make me feel better from not getting that job. How is this all the Bible and we overlook it?
Barbara Ryberg's poem “Step by Step.”
He does not lead me year by year
Nor even day by day,
But step by step my path unfolds;
My Lord directs my way.
Tomorrow’s plans I do not know,
I only know this minute;
But He will say, “This is the way,
By faith now walk ye in it.”
And I am glad that it is so,
Today’s enough to bear;
And when tomorrow comes, His grace
Shall far exceed its care.
What need to worry then, or fret?
The God who gave His Son
Holds all my moments in His hand
And gives them, one by one.
Psalm 118:24
This is the day the Lord has made; therefore we will rejoice and be glad in it.
No pause mode allowed.
This is the day the Lord gave me.
Today is all I get.
I either live it well or waste it.
Fill my heart with gratitude, Lord.
This is the day the Lord gave me.
Today is all I get.
I either live it well or waste it.
Fill my heart with gratitude, Lord.
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