Out of Pause mode

I recently share that I felt my life was in pause. And I was surprised to find teaching and truth in that feeling. I learned that one, this day was the day the Lord made. He intended for me to live a day at a time. Two, this might be the only day I get, so I must live it good, not waiting for the "better days" to come. And what were this better days to come? That day I had my daughters with laughter and smiles in their mouths, air in their lungs, and sparkling eyes to stare me back. Was there anything better? 

One thing I didn't address is why I felt my life in pause. 
So, why is it in pause mode? 
I thought it was because I thought I was living just to make it to the next time I see my husband again. I just have to "make it through" the eleven days apart to "live" the three days he spends with us. That has proven untrue as I learn to enjoy alone time with the girls and alone time with myself. Having one less role to play during the day really frees up my time. And I have seriously been wasting it instead of investing it with more alone time with the Lord (something I intend to fix ASAP). 

I used to plan for the future.
How and when we could move out of my in-laws. 
How and when I could be a stay-at-home mom and home school. 
How and when we could have another baby. 

I don't anymore and hence the "pause". 
We decided that it is safer for us (living in the second most violent city in the world) to live with my in-laws than eleven days alone with two girls. No more plans of moving. 
If my husband´s career takes off with this very sacrificial job, maybe I could finally give up working. I don't think I'll be able to home school and am now considering schools for the girls next year which will make it even harder for me to stop working and has actually had me looking for more demanding jobs that will build my curriculum. 
The new baby has had me playing badminton with myself. We can afford it-we can't afford it. It's too soon-maybe it's the right time. I don't think I can manage-maybe I can manage. The girls still need attention-Kaylee would be three by the time the baby is born. 

And the reason for the pause in my life has it's root in the source of my trust. 
Can the Lord make it happen for us to have the family He has put in our hearts? 
And that is what I had to be reminded of. 
My life could be more comfortable if we stopped at two kids. 
If we continued on this track, we could soon buy a house and send the girls to private school. 
Life could be everything the world promises. 
And I could live with that. 

But it was the Lord who placed in my heart the desires for my family that I have, not the world or my own desires. I never thought I'd desire many children. I never thought the high-overachiever in me would desire a life at home. I would rather work in the very comfortable, low-demanding office job I have right now than cleaning floors, toilets, doing laundry, feeding toddlers, bathing toddlers, and teaching home school to toddlers. That sounds ten times harder than what I do! Yet my heart desires it. And how easy would it be to send them to school? I am still woken in the middle of the night regularly by one or both of the girls. They still want to sleep on top of me. They leave me tired and sore and waking up more tired and sore. If I sought my own good, I would not want another baby. Or at least, not now. 

I have questioned the decisions for my life I have taken. Why, with your excellent academic performance, did you not go abroad to study? Why did you marry young (to the world standards)? Why did you quit your high-paying job that offered growth opportunities? 
But what were the root of these questions I was asking? Because I could have traveled more and seen the world. Because as a single woman I could have had more freedom to do with my time and money what I wanted. Because I could have amounted more material things that I should already have at my 30´s. 

Well, why did you? 
I stayed because I was happy serving in my church during my youth and doing that mattered more than traveling. I married because I was convicted that marrying young was God's will for me and I actually felt I didn't marry young enough. I quit my job because the Lord had given me the conviction that my time was better used for my family, instead of accruing material things. 

I made those decision with God in mind. 
So what has happened to me?
Why am I now regretting not having traveled more, a graduate degree, more material things, a better job, easier days? 
When did I become so self-absorbed I forgot my life's purpose was to serve Him and His people? 
When did my heart move so far from God that decisions I never questioned are now being questioned in the most Satanic trap of "what could have been"? And if I chose these with God in mind, why would I believe the lie that had I decided differently my life would be better?
I am in pause mode because I am resisting the desires God has placed in my heart with the pull the world has grown in me for lack of holiness. I am in pause mode because my trust is myself, my husband, and our circumstances, instead of the God who calls us to: "... know the love of Christ which surpasses knowledge, that you may be filled up to all the fullness of God. To Him Who is able to do far more abundantly beyond all that we ask or think, according to the power that works within us, to Him be the glory in the church and in Christ Jesus to all generations forever and ever. Amen." Ephesians 3:19-21
"His ultimate concern is not to get you or me from point A to point B along the quickest, easiest, smoothest, clearest route possible. Instead, his ultimate concern is that you and I would know Him deeply as we trust Him more completely. (131)" David Platt, Follow me.

Dear Lord, 
I here decide to trust you with the desires You have placed in our hearts. Help me live one day at a time, living it knowing you more and loving you better. I hereby relinquish any control I think I have over my life and give it to you blindly.  

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