Since January 6, 2017, I have not been living my life in gratitude. In fact, since that day, I have not wanted to or had a desire to pray and give thanks to the Lord. I have done it, even feeling a little hypocrite when doing so and going as far as not even believing what I was saying, Some might right away recognize the date. It was the day Kinsley took her last breath on this earth. It was the day my heart went numb. It was the day I started viewing this life on earth as "This side of hell."
I have struggled with this numb heart trying to revive it. I have gone to counseling, therapy, worship CDs in vain. I had a heart of rock. I even wondered if I had lost faith in God. All His truths were still my truths (which by the way is the only truth, but not everyone lives by them) and I knew He was faithful and would rekindle my heart and incline it to His.
In an effort to expose my heart to rekindling experiences, I enrolled in my Panamanian church Crossroads Bible Church's women's conference "Unconditional Love." On the first night, I was happily surprised the guest speaker, Julie Trandhal, began the conference by explaining that, while the Cross did prove God's unconditional love for us and the worth God places on us (by the price He paid for it), the main purpose of the Cross is the glory of His name. Therefore, we must never lose sight of our main purpose in life is the glory of His name. She went on to give her testimony and stir us to answer God's calling for our lives. Julie had no idea of the tears of desperation that flowed down my eyes that night, desperation to reconnect with God.
The next day, the morning speaker was a local girl. During lunch break, Julie and I crossed paths in the restroom waiting in line. At the time, I had no idea why Julie spoke to me. She had no way of knowing I spoke English or, more surprisingly, no way of knowing I wanted to talk to her. The way she looked at me made me feel she did. I opened up to her and told her my story. I told her how my cancer story had stirred me to glorify God with all my might. Kinsley's story was different for me. It made me question "why" and feel separated from Him. I told her of my numb heart with no fire inside burning.
Julie told me she had no answers (which I loved hearing). She just asked me if she could pray for me. She grabbed my hands and started praying. She asked that God would turn my heart of stone into a heart of flesh with a burning desire for His Kingdom, that He was capable of healing my heart, that He would not give me answers in this "Side of Heaven" but He could use me for His glory. She told me my walk of faith was harder because I was walking it in obedience despite of my disbelief, but God would restore in my heart His presence so I could once again feel His love. I cried the whole time.
She did share with me John 10:10 and reminded me who had come to kill and fill us with disease.
I have struggled with this numb heart trying to revive it. I have gone to counseling, therapy, worship CDs in vain. I had a heart of rock. I even wondered if I had lost faith in God. All His truths were still my truths (which by the way is the only truth, but not everyone lives by them) and I knew He was faithful and would rekindle my heart and incline it to His.
In an effort to expose my heart to rekindling experiences, I enrolled in my Panamanian church Crossroads Bible Church's women's conference "Unconditional Love." On the first night, I was happily surprised the guest speaker, Julie Trandhal, began the conference by explaining that, while the Cross did prove God's unconditional love for us and the worth God places on us (by the price He paid for it), the main purpose of the Cross is the glory of His name. Therefore, we must never lose sight of our main purpose in life is the glory of His name. She went on to give her testimony and stir us to answer God's calling for our lives. Julie had no idea of the tears of desperation that flowed down my eyes that night, desperation to reconnect with God.
The next day, the morning speaker was a local girl. During lunch break, Julie and I crossed paths in the restroom waiting in line. At the time, I had no idea why Julie spoke to me. She had no way of knowing I spoke English or, more surprisingly, no way of knowing I wanted to talk to her. The way she looked at me made me feel she did. I opened up to her and told her my story. I told her how my cancer story had stirred me to glorify God with all my might. Kinsley's story was different for me. It made me question "why" and feel separated from Him. I told her of my numb heart with no fire inside burning.
Julie told me she had no answers (which I loved hearing). She just asked me if she could pray for me. She grabbed my hands and started praying. She asked that God would turn my heart of stone into a heart of flesh with a burning desire for His Kingdom, that He was capable of healing my heart, that He would not give me answers in this "Side of Heaven" but He could use me for His glory. She told me my walk of faith was harder because I was walking it in obedience despite of my disbelief, but God would restore in my heart His presence so I could once again feel His love. I cried the whole time.
She did share with me John 10:10 and reminded me who had come to kill and fill us with disease.
John 10:10
10 The thief comes only to steal and kill and destroy; I have come that they may have life, and have it to the full.
As I pondered on the verse and found solace in it, Satan the accuser whispered on my ear: "I came to kill, but you asked "in Jesus' name." He could have saved her if He had wanted to but chose to say 'No'." And then my mind went to the time Emmalee asked me about Kinsley; after all, she was with me when I prayed for Kinsley every night.
"Why are you cying, mom?" asked Emmalee.
"Because Kinsley died," I replied.
"What does that mean?" she asked.
"It means she went to be with Jesus."
Her eyes widened with bewilderment.
"She can see Jesus?"
This has been puzzling for her, as she often asks why Jesus can see and hear her, but she can't.
"Yes, baby. She is living with Jesus."
"But where?"
"Well, Jesus said He is preparing a house for each of us."
"Then why are you sad?"
The next day, she told everyone who crossed her path that Jesus had a house for her.
"Jesus is making me a house!" she would exclaim.
I thought you had to teach ending entonation, but she instinctively knows how to ask a question and make an exclamation. Just picture her excitement for a minute and imagine her voice: "I will live with Jesus in my house!"
Oh, if we really were like children. No, Satan, you won't be victorious. He came to give Kinsley life and she IS living it abundantly, more than we can imagine.
In the last sermon of the conference, Julie spoke of this life as a "side of heaven" because it is our only chance to do something for His glory. This is our ONLY chance to be His hands and feet. That is glorious! To live for Him and His glory is the greatest glory we can have in this life. And then Julie shared how her calling to glorify Him was to open her eyes and ears to women around her that need to be listened and encouraged. She even shared how God gave her that opportunity that very same day while in line to the restroom (remember how I told you I had felt weird that she spoke to me? Well, it was weird because I felt our meeting had been intentional) by meeting a new friend and said my name. When your eyes are in the Lord and in this being your one chance to live it for Him, it is definitely a side of Heaven.
I am walking this rocky road still not knowing how. It is a bumpy road with ups and downs that make me want to get off. There is grief in my heart and so many questions. Julie encouraged us to change our "whys" which won't be answered in this side of Heaven into "who" Who we can know certainly in Who we wait on.
I leave you with this song. I could barely hold my tears and my breath.
"Why are you cying, mom?" asked Emmalee.
"Because Kinsley died," I replied.
"What does that mean?" she asked.
"It means she went to be with Jesus."
Her eyes widened with bewilderment.
"She can see Jesus?"
This has been puzzling for her, as she often asks why Jesus can see and hear her, but she can't.
"Yes, baby. She is living with Jesus."
"But where?"
"Well, Jesus said He is preparing a house for each of us."
"Then why are you sad?"
The next day, she told everyone who crossed her path that Jesus had a house for her.
"Jesus is making me a house!" she would exclaim.
I thought you had to teach ending entonation, but she instinctively knows how to ask a question and make an exclamation. Just picture her excitement for a minute and imagine her voice: "I will live with Jesus in my house!"
Oh, if we really were like children. No, Satan, you won't be victorious. He came to give Kinsley life and she IS living it abundantly, more than we can imagine.
In the last sermon of the conference, Julie spoke of this life as a "side of heaven" because it is our only chance to do something for His glory. This is our ONLY chance to be His hands and feet. That is glorious! To live for Him and His glory is the greatest glory we can have in this life. And then Julie shared how her calling to glorify Him was to open her eyes and ears to women around her that need to be listened and encouraged. She even shared how God gave her that opportunity that very same day while in line to the restroom (remember how I told you I had felt weird that she spoke to me? Well, it was weird because I felt our meeting had been intentional) by meeting a new friend and said my name. When your eyes are in the Lord and in this being your one chance to live it for Him, it is definitely a side of Heaven.
I am walking this rocky road still not knowing how. It is a bumpy road with ups and downs that make me want to get off. There is grief in my heart and so many questions. Julie encouraged us to change our "whys" which won't be answered in this side of Heaven into "who" Who we can know certainly in Who we wait on.
I leave you with this song. I could barely hold my tears and my breath.
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