Emmalees's Woodland Camping 5th Birthday

I know it's been a couple of months since Emmalee's birthday, but I still wanted to share with you our first birthday celebration in Panama. My apartment and my mom's apartment are really small, but we have the advantage of living next door to each other. So we came with the solution of having my living room be the "play" are and her living room be the eating area. 

I love her showcase model pose.

Love the many monograms I've found online for free.

The cake was a lot easier to make than I thought here in Panama.

The camping tent had to be improvised because I forgot and ran out of fondant.

The buttercream tree bark was extreme easy.

Cinnamon rolls pops

How lovely are these? And they were also so easy to make.

These were specifically requested by the birthday girl

 l love how these buttercream fire pits turned out. I can never get that red color, but I somehow did this time.

Cute favor boxes courtesy of Grandma Linda.

Our Canadian beaver to remember our Tio Ditto and Tia Lia.

In love with my topiary!

How gorgeous is that fox pillow for a reading nook?

Our "Le Petit Prince" fox. He surprisingly sleeps with Emmalee; I thought he'd be Kaylee's.

All the frames are made from cereal boxes. Amazing recycling!

I have also recycled that green banner for 3 events now!

The centerpieces were an assortment of felt woodland animals. The fox is still my favorite in all this theme.

Bear!

Squirrel!

Bunny!

I have yet to make a felt owl I like.

Racoon!

The photo booth was simple and pretty.

And we had some whimsical masks to go with it.

My Panamanian bestie!

Mom, sister, and me!

For play, we had some magnetic fishing rods for some camping fishing. 

And set up the TV in the living room to play Start the Party with the Playstation Move. (Boy do I miss that Playstation... Mean robbers!)

We had a woodland creature visitor with the adorable Chugui, Aunt Lilly's ferret.

Chugs was a total hit!

God bless him!

First time breaking a piñata in an apartment parking lot.

It was a great day. We were so happy to have Grandma Martha with us that day all the way from Honduras. Emmalee really enjoyed time with her friends and loved everything about her birthday.

Here are some more pics of the time we got to share together. 

Lovely bunny photo bombing!

Happy munchkin!

Emmalee birthday interview Age 5

What is your favorite TV show? How to Train Your Dragon Series.
What is your favorite movie? Ferdinand.
What is your favorite thing to do at school (School for her is church's Sunday school)? Play with blocks.
What is your favorite color? All the colors.
What is your favorite toy? Skates and bicycle.
What do you want to be when you grow up? A mom so I can get my baby.
What is your favorite book? My prayer book.
Who is your best friend? Maria Jose, Graciela, Kaylee, Sarah.
What is your favorite animal? Horse.
What is your favorite place? The park.
What is your favorite thing to do with mom? Cupcakes and cookies.
What is your favorite thing to do with dad? Play.
What is your favorite thing to do with Kaylee? Play and do school.

Dear Emmalee,
My sweet, sweet girl! I have been basking in your sweetness for five years, and you only get sweeter, my darling. You are always the kindest and most loving little girl around. You love snuggling, hugging, kissing. Your grandma Linda has the greatest time with you as she is just the same. I love how you still delight when I take the time to just hold you and tell you to your ear how much I love you and how you are the most beautiful girl my eyes have seen. You blush, hold my face, and say "I love you, mom" with the most sincere look filled with love. Your eyes are so expressive. You can see the light come into them when you are happy or excited. You remember everything. It always surprises me how you remember things even I have forgotten. You would never get lost. You always know where you are, where you've been, and where you are going. I hope that is true all your days. I pray you find that guidance in God's will, delighting in His love like you delight in mine. I delight in my love for you. It only gets better. You are so good in following orders. You still battle with trying to get your way at all costs when you don't want to give in, but you are quicker to listen. You have taken a better attitude on discipline. You no longer fight me and you understand the reason and purpose for it. I am glad you have such a strong desire to be excellent. You strive for greatness and you are a little perfectionist. You got that from your mommy. You got from your daddy your tenderness. You got from your Grandma Linda your kindness. You are such a wonderful big sister. When Kaylee has misbehaved and mommy feigns her "OK, I'm gonna leave you here and we are going to go without you" to make her hurry up, you run in front of me and start advocating for your sister begging me not to leave her. "No, I love my sister. I want her to come too!" You are such a darling. You love Jesus. This is the first year I can say that. You love Him. If I tell you something you did would make Jesus sad, it honestly concerns you and you earnestly try not to do it more. Also, when mommy gets upsets and starts raising her voice or yelling, you remind me that Jesus wouldn't like that. Ha! Well played, baby... Well played! It makes mommy stop yelling almost immediately and the guilt trip makes mommy be more mindful through the day. I really don't mind you calling me out on not upsetting Jesus either. I pray I am not failing you as a mother. You are so smart. I feel you are not more ahead in your education because of my inconsistency as a teacher. I am sorry. I am doing my best to be healthier for you. And you are so understanding and helpful. You are just five, but if mommy can't get out of bed because her head hurts, you will caress such head until mommy feels better. You are so patient with me. I wish I was as patient as you are. You teach me so much how to be better person. I love how you already grasp the fact that you speak two languages and you adjust the language according to the audience. Your sister cracks us up when she speaks in English to everyone even if they don't understand her. You are still her translator, as you have been since she was 2. Mommy is not the one who understands her most; it is you, wonderful big sister. I love hearing you laugh with daddy. I love how you want to show him everything new you learned how to do that day when he comes home from work. You are growing more and more into a daddy's girl, but mom will put up a fight. Baby, I beg the Lord everyday to let me see you grow up into the wonderful soldier for His Kingdom you will undoubtedly be. I love you, my princess. I love you forever.  

Because Jesus said so

I've been raging a spiritual warfare with Satan every night since the robbery in our house.
Yes! You read correctly... Satan. If you do not know who you are battling, the enemy is winning.
My warfare goes a little like this.

12 a.m. in my bed.
"What was that noise? Was it inside the apartment? Is it coming from outside? Is it in the girls' bedroom or is it the upstairs neighbor? Should I go check the girls? I should go see if the door is closed and also check all the windows while you are at it."
"No! Who is your trust, Linda? Are you willing to trust God with your girls?"
"But checking doesn't mean I don't trust Him, does it? Would it be better if I slept with the girls tonight?"
"Again, isn't that not trusting God? If you want to control it, you don't trust Him."
"But other people pray for His protection and still get into danger. It doesn't guarantee anything to pray for protection!"
"So, you are not going to let Him bring you peace? This is just what Satan wants, to keep you worried. Didn't Jesus order you not to be anxious about anything, but to present your request to God in thanksgiving?"
"Yeah, I know that, but I cannot just do nothing, can I? What was that? I heard something this time. I better go check."

This can go on to very early morning, where one of the girls wakes up and asks me to sleep with them and I gladly yield.
It's understandable. (It's what I tell myself to ease myself)

One night I was reading the girls' Bible story of the day, and it was the story of the disciples fishing when Jesus first meets them. The girls' Bible summed it up like this: "The disciples had spent the whole day fishing and hadn't caught a single fish. It was almost dark and time to head back. They had already pulled up their nets in disappointment and were rowing back. Then Jesus came to them and told them to throw the nets again. The disciples were exhausted and had already tried where Jesus told them to throw the nets. But they complied because Jesus had told them to. They threw their nets once more and had to ask for help to pull out all the fishes they caught. It was a miracle just because they did what Jesus said."

I pondered on the story alone. It had hit home really hard.
They obeyed because Jesus had said so.
It is Jesus Who we are talking about, Linda.
Yes! Bad things do happen. Bad things will happen.
Jesus said this to you personally.
But He personally promised to be with me every day of my life as well.
I have to trust Him that whatever happens, He looks after us.
This world is crazy and sometime this life on this earth feels vain and meaningless.
We had worked so hard to have two robbers just take it all in a few minutes.
And they shattered all our comfort of living in a "safer" country.
There is no safe place on this planet.
But we can trust God loves us, and He is strong, and He is able.
So, tonight, I will try not to have that internal battle.
And tonight I'll simply tell Satan: Can I trust God? YES! Yes, I can, because Jesus said so.

What have I to fear? The Lord Almighty looks over them.

What you do matters, mama!

Yesterday I had my last holiday visitor go back home (I hosted my mother-in-law for a month and a half, my father for a week and a half, and my father-in-law for two weeks all from Honduras).
I felt the compulsory need to really clean the house- you know, REALLY clean it. It was obsessive and thorough. I scrubbed every inch of the bathrooms and kitchen, vacuumed under the beds and furniture, and threw everything to wash. It was exhausting and it took all day. My girls, thus, were left to the mercy of the new Pocoyo season during all that cleaning (I'm so grateful these new seasons have more educational content!)

After I was done, naturally, I felt the need to the same cleaning on myself. As I was taking a shower and checking myself (yes, even without breasts I still self check. Self check, ladies!), I wondered what would happened if my breast cancer recurred. Would today matter? They would certainly find someone else to do the cleaning. So, was the day spent in vain?

When your mortality is as evident as it is in my everyday, you question more often the value of what you do with your time. But everyone's mortality could be imminent. I couldn't help thinking of the words of the book of Ecclesiastes: everything under the Sun is vanity.  Did I waste my day doing something no one would miss me for and could easily replace? I was too exhausted afterwards to take the girls to the park or play hide and seek with them.

I then remembered that my youngest had a vaginal rash a few days ago. I know this has to do with her learning to self-clean and self-wash, but the clean environment I keep around her keeps her safe as well. It does matter.

As I came out of my bath and joined the girls in bed to watch Pocoyo, my eldest gave me a kiss. "Thanks for the clean house, mom. It smells delicious," she whispered in my ear. My husband came back home from work and was very surprised I had done all that work (We both woke up at 4 am to drop my father-in-law at the airport and were extremely exhausted and sleep deprived.) He also kissed me and said thank you. "It's my job," I replied. "Even so, I want to show gratitude for what you do," he replied.

But this isn't so most of the time. I didn't even get a thank you for cooking both Christmas and New Year's meals from them. Sometimes our work goes underappreciated. Sometimes our work goes unnoticed (especially with young ones who will leave the house in the prior state as soon as you come out your bath). Sometimes it feels in vain. Sometimes it feels it doesn't matter.

That is why surrounding yourself with other mothers is so important. No one understands you better than another mama. I wanted to strangle my sister (no kids) when she compared her pre-school teaching job to raising kids at home. "If I can make 25 kids behave, surely you should be able to keep your girls from throwing a tantrum." I just nodded while taking it in and holding the tears inside. I immediately called a mom friend. As soon as she was infuriated along me, I knew my sister might have meant well (or at least you hope so) but had no idea what she was talking about.

Are you a supportive mom? Are you a judgmental mom? Do other moms feel they can come to you for counsel or outlet? Are you making sure you are seeking counsel and outlet? We don't have to do this alone, you know? Motherhood is wonderful, but it is so hard. It is so HARD!! And, unfortunately, only other moms know just how hard. But guess what? God also knows too!

Look at this Psalm with me:
Psalm 55

1 Give ear to my prayer, O God; and hide not thyself from my supplication.
2 Attend unto me, and hear me: I mourn in my complaint, and make a noise; (It does feel a lot like us, doesn't it?)

4 My heart is sore pained within me: and the terrors of death are fallen upon me.
5 Fearfulness and trembling are come upon me, and horror hath overwhelmed me.
6 And I said, Oh that I had wings like a dove! for then would I fly away, and be at rest.(This has so been me since the robbery in my house two weeks ago! Specially with the robbers coming in through my daughters' bedroom window.)

13 But it was thou, a man mine equal, my guide, and mine acquaintance.
14 We took sweet counsel together, and walked unto the house of God in company.

(See what I say about being there for each other?)

22 Cast thy burden upon the Lord, and he shall sustain thee.

(What a sweet truth!)

Matthew 11

28 “Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest.29 Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. 30 For my yoke is easy and my burden is light.”

Remember to encourage a mom today! I love you, mamas! Moms rule, they really do!

Love is the Movement

Today I woke up covered in cold sweat. It has been a long time since I have felt the gut-wrenching pain of fearing for your life.

I lived 2017 fighting for a will to live. While 2016 was a real fight to live and I never had any need for will, I was the champion of fighting for the aggressiveness of my treatment, 2017 was the year of figuring out if the fight had been worth it.

My body showed no signs of cancer, but my body showed no signs of being healthy, contradicting my family's belief that beating cancer was the end of the road. The physical damage was not what made me lose my will. It was the emotional and spiritual damage that cancer had brought to my life. No one understood my sorrow and grief for Kinsley's death. She was not my daughter that I had lost. But most people don't understand suffering or pain or what it meant that we had walked the same path together. Her death felt like my soul had been split, leaving me with survivor's guilt and battling the depression stage of grief. In my depression, I forgot how to find joy in life, consciously rejecting it because it was "unfair" to live my life when another more deserving wasn't.  Her death had left me doubting my relationship with God, Who in my head had refused to answer the prayer I begged Him on my knees every night until her death. I stopped spending my time in prayer, losing my best friend Who I refused to speak to in the process.

My husband was the most affected by my grief. He had lost his wife who sought gratitude in whatever situation came our way and was left with a defeatist wife who voluntarily sought to only focus on the bad in her life and live there. I had camped in pessimist town and was scared of letting him take me to be-happy-you're-alive city. This affected us so much we forgot how to be in love with each other and stopped actively showing love to one another.

I cried all morning on January 6, 2018, the anniversary of her death. But when my daughters woke up, I wiped my tears and spent the day with them. When my husband came back from doing errands, I went out on a date with him where we laughed like we hadn't laughed together in a long time. I would never forget her or stop wishing she was here, but I could finally reach acceptance stage of grief and move on while carrying her in my heart.

Why was I able to move on?
Gratitude was not the answer this time. No matter how I saw it, there was no way I could be grateful that Kinsley died. I could give thanks that she was no longer in pain and cancer-free; I could give thanks that she was in a better place being taken care of by the Lover of her soul. But I could not be grateful that she died. I would forever wish I could change that. And that was OK, but not enough to heal my heart.

I started looking for way to go back to God. Again, gratitude was a no go. Knowledge was a no go. I wanted the "Whys". No Bible reading will answer the "why". No logic or reasoning would satisfy the "why". But then I heard someone praying saying "Jesus, my beloved."

I pondered on those words: Jesus, my beloved.
Why was Jesus my beloved?
Why had I given my life to Him so many years ago?
Why had I given testimony that He was the true God?
Was it because He had promised me a good life, like most who quote Jeremiah 29:11 think?
Why did I love Him?
And I realized His promises, His answered prayer, were not something He was going to give me in the future; they were something He had already given me.

Romans 5:8
But God demonstrates his own love for us in this: While we were still sinners, Christ died for us.

John 15:13
Greater love has no one than this: to lay down one’s life for one’s friends.

I John 4:9-10

9 This is how God showed his love among us: He sent his one and only Son into the world that we might live through him. 10 This is love: not that we loved God, but that he loved us and sent his Son as an atoning sacrifice for our sins.

Ephesians 2:4-7

4 But because of his great love for us, God, who is rich in mercy, 5 made us alive with Christ even when we were dead in transgressions—it is by grace you have been saved. 6 And God raised us up with Christ and seated us with him in the heavenly realms in Christ Jesus, 7 in order that in the coming ages he might show the incomparable riches of his grace,expressed in his kindness to us in Christ Jesus.

It is Jesus' love that had captured my heart and made me surrender all to Him. It is Jesus' love that gives me hope that goes beyond the grave. 

I love Him because He had loved me.
I love Him because He was the greater love shown. 

Remember the cold sweat from the beginning? 

I was watching a TV series that ended with the words: "in memory of..."

I googled the name and found out it was dedicated to a woman who had recently died of breast cancer. She had been diagnosed in 2011 and died in November 2016. Her friends and family didn't even know her cancer had returned because she looked so healthy. The recurrence claimed her life before it could even deteriorate her external look. 

I was shivering in my bed begging God not to have to walk that path. This woman had been in remission for 5 years, when doctors consider her cancer "cured." 

I am afraid of living life fully again to have it ripped from down under me. 

I am afraid of my girls not remembering me. 

I am afraid of showing love to my husband and being fully "in love" just to die before I'm 35, before I've even been married to him for a decade. 

I can't be grateful for that being part of my reality. 

But I can be covered in His love and trust that His love is enough, able, and strong. 

This year I will make love my motto. 

Love will be my will- His love will be my will!

Don't worry, gratitude will still be my path, but love will be the fuel to walk that path. 

This Side of Heaven

Since January 6, 2017, I have not been living my life in gratitude. In fact, since that day, I have not wanted to or had a desire to pray and give thanks to the Lord. I have done it, even feeling a little hypocrite when doing so and going as far as not even believing what I was saying, Some might right away recognize the date. It was the day Kinsley took her last breath on this earth. It was the day my heart went numb. It was the day I started viewing this life on earth as "This side of hell."

I have struggled with this numb heart trying to revive it. I have gone to counseling, therapy, worship CDs in vain. I had a heart of rock. I even wondered if I had lost faith in God. All His truths were still my truths (which by the way is the only truth, but not everyone lives by them) and I knew He was faithful and would rekindle my heart and incline it to His.

In an effort to expose my heart to rekindling experiences, I enrolled in my Panamanian church Crossroads Bible Church's women's conference "Unconditional Love." On the first night, I was happily surprised the guest speaker, Julie Trandhal, began the conference by explaining that, while the Cross did prove God's unconditional love for us and the worth God places on us (by the price He paid for it), the main purpose of the Cross is the glory of His name. Therefore, we must never lose sight of our main purpose in life is the glory of His name. She went on to give her testimony and stir us to answer God's calling for our lives. Julie had no idea of the tears of desperation that flowed down my eyes that night, desperation to reconnect with God.

The next day, the morning speaker was a local girl. During lunch break, Julie and I crossed paths in the restroom waiting in line. At the time, I had no idea why Julie spoke to me. She had no way of knowing I spoke English or, more surprisingly, no way of knowing I wanted to talk to her. The way she looked at me made me feel she did. I opened up to her and told her my story. I told her how my cancer story had stirred me to glorify God with all my might. Kinsley's story was different for me. It made me question "why" and feel separated from Him. I told her of my numb heart with no fire inside burning.

Julie told me she had no answers (which I loved hearing). She just asked me if she could pray for me. She grabbed my hands and started praying. She asked that God would turn my heart of stone into a heart of flesh with a burning desire for His Kingdom, that He was capable of healing my heart, that He would not give me answers in this "Side of Heaven" but He could use me for His glory. She told me my walk of faith was harder because I was walking it in obedience despite of my disbelief, but God would restore in my heart His presence so I could once again feel His love. I cried the whole time.

She did share with me John 10:10 and reminded me who had come to kill and fill us with disease.

John 10:10

10 The thief comes only to steal and kill and destroy; I have come that they may have life, and have it to the full.

As I pondered on the verse and found solace in it, Satan the accuser whispered on my ear: "I came to kill, but you asked "in Jesus' name."  He could have saved her if He had wanted to but chose to say 'No'." And then my mind went to the time Emmalee asked me about Kinsley; after all, she was with me when I prayed for Kinsley every night.

"Why are you cying, mom?" asked Emmalee.
"Because Kinsley died," I replied.
"What does that mean?" she asked.
"It means she went to be with Jesus."
Her eyes widened with bewilderment.
"She can see Jesus?"
This has been puzzling for her, as she often asks why Jesus can see and hear her, but she can't.
"Yes, baby. She is living with Jesus."
"But where?"
"Well, Jesus said He is preparing a house for each of us."
"Then why are you sad?"
The next day, she told everyone who crossed her path that Jesus had a house for her.
"Jesus is making me a house!" she would exclaim.
I thought you had to teach ending entonation, but she instinctively knows how to ask a question and make an exclamation. Just picture her excitement for a minute and imagine her voice: "I will live with Jesus in my house!"

Oh, if we really were like children. No, Satan, you won't be victorious. He came to give Kinsley life and she IS living it abundantly, more than we can imagine.

In the last sermon of the conference, Julie spoke of this life as a "side of heaven" because it is our only chance to do something for His glory. This is our ONLY chance to be His hands and feet. That is glorious! To live for Him and His glory is the greatest glory we can have in this life. And then Julie shared how her calling to glorify Him was to open her eyes and ears to women around her that need to be listened and encouraged. She even shared how God gave her that opportunity that very same day while in line to the restroom (remember how I told you I had felt weird that she spoke to me? Well, it was weird because I felt our meeting had been intentional) by meeting a new friend and said my name. When your eyes are in the Lord and in this being your one chance to live it for Him, it is definitely a side of Heaven.

I am walking this rocky road still not knowing how. It is a bumpy road with ups and downs that make me want to get off. There is grief in my heart and so many questions. Julie encouraged us to change our "whys" which won't be answered in this side of Heaven into "who" Who we can know certainly in Who we wait on.

I leave you with this song. I could barely hold my tears and my breath.