Oh joyous wretchedness

I'm stricken with indignity.
Is everything pointless?
Why read? Why study? Why pray? Why preach?
It always ends up the same; I always end up the same.
My tongue runs me over. My anger takes control. My pride resurges. I seek my own!
Is it just me without hope?
Can You change me?
Why haven't You?

Could this have been the way Paul felt when he said in Romans 7:18:

 "18 For I know that good itself does not dwell in me, that is, in my sinful nature.[c] For I have the desire to do what is good, but I cannot carry it out. 19 For I do not do the good I want to do, but the evil I do not want to do—this I keep on doing. 20 Now if I do what I do not want to do, it is no longer I who do it, but it is sin living in me that does it.

 21 So I find this law at work: Although I want to do good, evil is right there with me. 22 For in my inner being I delight in God’s law; 23 but I see another law at work in me, waging war against the law of my mind and making me a prisoner of the law of sin at work within me. 24 What a wretched man I am! Who will rescue me from this body that is subject to death? 25 Thanks be to God, who delivers me through Jesus Christ our Lord!

So then, I myself in my mind am a slave to God’s law, but in my sinful nature[d] a slave to the law of sin."

Wretched I am indeed.
My eyes overflow with tears for this helpless being I am.
The evils in my heart and mind the Lord must search and examine.
What will my reward be according to my conduct? (Jer. 17:10)
Enslaved I am.

Romans 8

1 Therefore, there is now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus, 2 because through Christ Jesus the law of the Spirit who gives life has set you free from the law of sin and death. 3 For what the law was powerless to do because it was weakened by the flesh, God did by sending his own Son in the likeness of sinful flesh to be a sin offering. And so he condemned sin in the flesh, 4in order that the righteous requirement of the law might be fully met in us, who do not live according to the flesh but according to the Spirit.

 5 Those who live according to the flesh have their minds set on what the flesh desires; but those who live in accordance with the Spirit have their minds set on what the Spirit desires. 6 The mind governed by the flesh is death, but the mind governed by the Spirit is life and peace. 7 The mind governed by the flesh is hostile to God; it does not submit to God’s law, nor can it do so. 8 Those who are in the realm of the flesh cannot please God.

 9 You, however, are not in the realm of the flesh but are in the realm of the Spirit, if indeed the Spirit of God lives in you. And if anyone does not have the Spirit of Christ, they do not belong to Christ. 10But if Christ is in you, then even though your body is subject to death because of sin, the Spirit gives life because of righteousness. 11 And if the Spirit of him who raised Jesus from the dead is living in you, he who raised Christ from the dead will also give life to your mortal bodies because of his Spirit who lives in you.

 12 Therefore, brothers and sisters, we have an obligation—but it is not to the flesh, to live according to it. 13 For if you live according to the flesh, you will die; but if by the Spirit you put to death the misdeeds of the body, you will live.

 14 For those who are led by the Spirit of God are the children of God. 15 The Spirit you received does not make you slaves, so that you live in fear again; rather, the Spirit you received brought about your adoption to sonship. And by him we cry, “Abba, Father.” 16 The Spirit himself testifies with our spirit that we are God’s children. 17 Now if we are children, then we are heirs—heirs of God and co-heirs with Christ, if indeed we share in his sufferings in order that we may also share in his glory."

"If indeed the Spirit of God lives in you..."
I ponder on this words.
Am I of You, Lord? For the misdeeds of my body are not put to death!
That which I wish not to do, I do.
The more I try, pray, search, and study the more vulnerable to this death and sin I become.
I feel it's useless!
"If indeed we share in his suffering..."
How so? Father. How can I? Am I?
I desire it.
I wish to be bound to You and Your Spirit, and not this earthly desires.
I wish to be consumed for Your Kingdom, and not my daily toils.
I wish to live by the Spirit, and not this flesh that is overtaking me.

Romans 8

"23 Not only so, but we ourselves, who have the firstfruits of the Spirit, groan inwardly as we wait eagerly for our adoption to sonship, the redemption of our bodies. 24 For in this hope we were saved. But hope that is seen is no hope at all. Who hopes for what they already have? 25 But if we hope for what we do not yet have, we wait for it patiently."

And still I must learn to be still?

Romans 8

" 37 No, in all these things we are more than conquerors through him who loved us. 38 For I am convinced that neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons,[k] neither the present nor the future, nor any powers, 39 neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord."

Am I again looking at myself and forgetting Who You are?
Do I still trust myself and my strength to do that which only You can?
Oh joyous wretchedness that I might see who I am and I may trust Who You are and all You do!
That I might kneel in heart and soul before the gracious God Who did not spare His son for me to be justified.

I pray for desire.
I pray for death to sin and life by the Spirit.
I pray as though believing I will receive what I asked.
I consider it pure joy to be in many trials.
Might I be a faithful servant to You with nothing to be ashamed of.
Amen!

On a side prayer, I wish to pray for my friends and family and the losses they have suffered.
For my mom and her family losing a beloved cousin and son.
For your faithful servant Dennis losing his dear brother.
For my sweet friends Johnny and Meli losing her cheerished Mimoris.
Confort them, Father, for the heart wonders "why" and the soul grieves with impotence and injustice.
Blessed are those who mourn, for God, King of kings, conforts them.
Amen!