I've been silent for a while.
Silence. I wish I knew more of the subject.
I desire to harness it as even a fool can and be deemed wise.
Remain silent when my tongue becomes sharp in anger.
Remain silent when I strongly disagree.
Remain silent when faced with injustice.
Remain silent when tempted to murmur.
Remain silent when thinking self-righteously.

It's funny how Satan works.
I remember once hearing a pastor say that Satan could not hear our thoughts. I can't say I have any Bible reference for this, but then again right now I only recall the Bible saying that God knows our hearts and that's it. Satan knows how and where to attack us because, being always around, he knows us. And I might get on some theological discussion here because Satan is not omnipresent like God, and so we would have to wonder if it is him personally who knows us or has demons personally assign for us. Wow, I really got into some theology there. Anyways, that is not the point of the post (though feel free to comment on it).
The thing I know for sure is that the Bible says this:
Ephesians 6

12 For our struggle is not against flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the authorities, against the powers of this dark world and against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly realms.

That verse in itself has tons of theology to discuss on the subject. But back to the story.
I began to pray in silence because I didn't want Satan to hear my thoughts and my cries to God. This wasn't very effective because I don't like to pray in silence or else I fall asleep. Also, I would journal my heart out to God and I'm not supposing the Devil can't read, hehehe. I've notice a trend, however. When I pray for patience, I find myself being more impatient. When I pray for self-control, I find myself being easily angered. And when I pray for submission and respect for my husband, my mouth runs away with me. Sigh!
Seriously, I should be praying for the opposite and try some reverse psychology on myself or my devil attackers, :P. (In case you didn't get the :P, I'm joking).

I pondered on this subject and made myself two questions:
1. Is God answering my prayers by trying me harder?
2. Is the Devil taking advantage of my sinful weaknesses to make me fall harder on the very thing I just prayed for to disprove me before God?
And I've even made a third question:
3. Is it just that I am incapable to grow or change?
This third question discourages me from time to time, but then I remember my spiritual growth has nothing to do with me. It is God who is doing the completion of the work He began in me.
So I'm guessing my answer is in either one of the first two questions or both.
In answer to question 1, I find myself reminding my heart of James 1
"Consider it PURE JOY when faced with many trials."
In asnwer to question 2, I go back to that ephesians verse.
" Our struggle is not against flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the authorities, against the powers of this dark world." Maybe I should get into some theology discussion afterall. The struggle is not against any being of the dark world; it's agains the rulers, authorities, and powers of the dark world! My battle is pretty much against the strongest combatants the dark world has to offer!

Why pondering on this subject, you might ask?
Precisely the reason for my silence.
If I am grateful, I'm bombarded with more struggle and pain than when I'm not.
If I'm watchful of my attitudes, I fail more than when I'm not.
Sometimes all my meditating on being silent, respectful, praying for a quiet and gentle spirit, I throw out the window, especially after I share about it or pray it to God.
It reminds me of how it was very common for us to fight in the car with a family member on the ride home back from church. And someone (even I) would actually say: "We just came from hearing from God and this is how you're gonna act?"
Here's the little confession of why I've been absent and quiet.
Is silence the best policy?
If I never tell anyone I want to be better, they'll never realize I don't. And I'm not thinking about people here. I'm thinking God and the Devil.
I won't give God prayers to try me and the Devil less reasons to disprove me.
And here is where I'm seriously mistaken.

What is so wrong about failing? Keeping up with appearances? With other's expectations of how I should be? With my own expectations?
I remember being so preoccupied with letting my sister fail, I'd always be there correcting and guiding her to make sure she didn't make my same mistakes, or mistakes of her own for that matter.  
Now that she is grown up and on her own, I see she is ill-prepared for some of the hardships of life. Is it my fault for protecting her so? Did she need more failures to learn from to face this life in this selfish world? And now she'll have to make them. Now when life is harder and mom and dad (or big sister) aren't there.
"Pure joy when faced with many trials...."
After my last post, I was faced with many trials. Many, many trials! It lasted for days and I thought it would have no end. The words "pure joy" crossed my mind and I laugh inside sarcastically.
It wasn't untill I finally faced my trials biblically that I saw the good in the ugly trials.
As some relationships became stronger, some issues addressed, some changes and corrections started, the Spirit brought back those words: "pure joy".
Probably none of the good things that came from the trial would have happened without it.
Was I left with the need to repent and ask forgiveness? You bet.
Did it actually make me a better person? Definitely.
Does it mean I won't fail again? Absolutely not.
Must I be afraid? of what!

God knows who I am and who I've become through the blood of His Son.
The Devil knows where to attack me and where I am weak.
God says He'll be strong when I am weak.
I'm not perfect and I don't intend on pretending I am.
I can say, though, I considered it pure joy when faced with many trials.

So much I must learn of true silence.
I will seek it and learn from it.
One thing I won't use it for anymore though, be silent of all you've done for me and in me:

Psalms 138:8

The LORD will fulfill his purpose for me;
your love, O LORD, endures forever—
do not abandon the works of your hands
Psalms 66:5
Come and see what God has done, 
 his awesome deeds for mankind!

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