Dear Sam

Dear Sam,

Hey baby. That is your name. Sam.
I chose the name Sam because it has always been my favorite unisex name. I
I don't know if you were a boy or a girl. People always wish my next baby is a boy, but I really never care. Another girl would make me just as happy.
There has been a change in our relationship since I named you. I am able to pray for you using your name and that makes me feel closer to you.
Saying your name when I talk to God about you has made your life more real to me. You have no idea how you changeD my heart forever.
My heart grew in size to make room for my love for you. Keeping you in my prayers makes me feel that space has some love, but it has also left a space in my heart empty.
People keep telling me "It was God's will" which I know to be true, but not in the way they say it.
You see, my sweet baby, even most Christians today view children as an inconvenience, a burden, an unaffordable expense. They view my loss of you as something God was protecting me from. Economical difficulties, health issues on your part or mine, and the million toils of a new baby with two sisters under 4 years of age that still need me a lot.
Sam, I say this with difficulty because I have two little ones that need me, but I would have given my life for you too. I would have kept you inside me even if that had put my life at risk. I would have done everything in my power to keep you if there was something I could have done.
I didn't care my economical situation wasn't the best. I knew the Lord was calling me to have you, as evident in this post before you were conceived.
Sam, God placed in me a desire for you. I wanted you with all my heart. I hoped we had conceived you when dad came home and we did. I was looking for you and found you.
My family's reaction to me finding you will forever hurt me. Try to understand them as I do that it is not that they didn't want you; it's just that they were afraid.
It's easy to be afraid. It's easy to believe in the lies of world. It's easy to think it was not the time for another baby. It's easy to think it never is.
But dearest Sam, I believe in God. It's not easy to trust Him. It's not. But I do. And He had called me to you.
I do believe it was His will to take you with Him, but not for the reasons so many share that "consoling" phrase with me.
No. God had great purpose for your life and it was accomplished.
You forever changed my heart.
My life has a before and after since losing you.
I am not the same and it was your life that caused that change.
I can't give an answer to the questions life? and love? and why?
I can't say what is the purpose of this change in my heart.
I can only trust God.
And I will continue to trust Him.
Thanks to you, I can say that with a braver heart.
For the moment, I no longer desire another baby. You fulfilled that calling from the Lord, and for the moment, He is not calling me to another one yet.
I think that's good. It gives us the time to be together. It gives me the time to think of you and give thanks for your life.
I have cried almost everyday since you left my body.
I was holding on to a last shred of hope that maybe my bleeding had been an unusually heavy implantation bleeding, and maybe you were still there, though my body was clearly telling me you weren't. I was holding to wishful thinking. I now know for sure you are no longer in me.
My tears of losing hope have been hard to bear, specially alone.
Only I mourn you the way I do. Only I call you by your name. Only I think of you every single day.
I don't know if it will be this way for the rest of my life.
I don't know if time will make me forget. Not forget you, that is not possible. But forget to remember you and keep you close. I don't have experience with this, thank God.
Your dad said he really likes your name. He often thinks of you too.
My dear Sam, I write this letter because I want to let everyone know how much I love you, wanted you, prayed for you, sought you. I love you, my baby. I am a mother of three. I hold you in my heart in a space reserved there for you forever.

Dear Sam, you have the sweetest and loveliest big sisters in the world. 

I would have loved having a new born near them and our puppy Alee. She is also sweet and would have taken care of you. 

Dear Jesus,
Please tell my Sammy that is the name mom has chosen.
Please tell my baby how much I love my Sammy.
Please tell my Sammy mommy says thank you.
For coming into my life.
For changing my heart.
For answering my prayers.
For fulfilling his or her life's purpose in me.
For being my child.
And thank you, Lord, for the hope of knowing Sammy one day.  

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