I look into your eyes

I look into your eyes and lose myself in beauty,

and I marvel at how wonderfully you were made by our most loving God.

I marvel at every curve your face makes when you smile or

the serenity it portrays when you sleep. 

I look into your eyes and am filled with overwhelm

at the blessing that I was chosen to be your mother.

I am overwhelmed by the thought that you were once in me, 

growing with every prayer I made for you and every song I sang to you. 

I looked into your eyes for the first time and was shocked with love,

never knowing I could feel so much love, so instantly, so insanely.

Can this love compare to God's? A love without reserve, without conditions!

If it can't compare, it must be the closest one.

I look into your eyes looking back at me and I am humbled

that you are so small and barely know a thing 

and I need you more than you need me.

I learn from your inocence, your peace, your joy, and your faith in me. 

I look into your eyes and I wonder

Do you know how much you mean to me?

Will you remember that I once was your all?

Can you tell how happy I am with you?

I look into your eyes and I worry

that the evil in this world might touch that beauty.

Will this world reach that inocence?

Can my love shield you and always reach you?

I look into your eyes and I pray

that He may be your high refugee.

Love Him with all your heart, live to give him glory. 

Use me, Oh Lord, for this purpose and may my life show her how. 

I look into your eyes and I give thanks

that I am lucky enought to look into your eyes

and call you my daughter, my sweet baby girl.

That this undeserving human is called your mom.

I am not a poet, and I don't pretend to be one. This is not a poem. It is just my attempt at putting into words what it's like to look into your daughters eyes. I don't have a son, and I hope one day to write what looking into his eyes is like. For now, I revel on the joy of having girls that are soft, pink, beautiful, frail, lovely, and caring. 

Some days feel so hard to live. I want to go to bed without a late night waking or feeding. When we had our own house, Emmalee had a bedtime routine. I would bathe her and clothe her, give her her bottle, and send her to her room with the lights off and her turtle lamp shining an underwater ilusion light into the ceiling and play the sound of waves crushing. Now, with all of us sleeping in one tight room, she asks to be picked up and sleep in my bed. Sometimes we oblige and sometimes we send her to her bed; but since Kaylee is in the bed with us, we oblige more often. These past nights, however, she has been doing the darnest thing. She comes to my side of the bed and ask "sube, sube" (up, up). I pull her up on the bed and she wraps her arms around me, puts her head on my shoulder, and says "mami" (mommy). It's almost a sigh, like a relief or comfort that she is in her mommy's arms. I can't express what this does to my tired heart. It is filled beyond measure and it feels invincible. Kaylee does the darnest things too. She will fall profoundly asleep in my arms but will fully wake up the moment she touches the crib. This has resulted in sometimes constantly waking in the middle of the night and me finally surrendering and letting her sleep in my arms the rest of the night. But when morning comes and I wake up, I watch her sleeping so carelessly on my arms. And it is like she feels my eyes looking at her because I haven't moved or made a sound, and she opens her eyes to meet mine. She gives the softest, faintest, sweetest smile that makes my heart become a puddle of goo. 

And it might not be an ideal situation, but I won't have those moments with them forever. And for now, looking into their eyes is the best thing in the world!!!

Learning on submission

I don't know about you, but I was fiercely taught my place in the family hierarchy. I am second. I am not the head. I do not rule myself. I am to submit. This is God's command to wives: submit to your husbands. 

And yet, I don't. Not always. 

If you haven't realized by now, I am a little obsessive compulsive, analytical person. I analyze everything. I am glad I do. I think when I do the Spirit in me is able to reveal much truth. This is the Christian's walk: the search for truth. When all is said and done, truth is what will set us free. I am grateful I can analyze my actions and find revelation in them to change my ways, surrender to the Lord, and seek His glory. It reminds me of Psalm 139:23

23 Search me, God, and know my heart;
    test me and know my anxious thoughts.
24 See if there is any offensive way in me,
    and lead me in the way everlasting.

I have found that I have been having trouble submitting to my husband because I have been resenting him. It is not hard for me to admit I do not submit to my husband. Just a few minutes with me will show you I am headstrong and independent. It is hard for me to accept I sometimes resent my husband. 

How can I admit that? Isn't admitting that chattering this image we try so hard to set of a great marriage? Very few wives will admit this, but all of my close friends that are married have expressed this same feeling to me. They resent their husbands for not being more helpful in the house, for not being more attentive or loving, for not allowing them to be stay-at-home wives, for not giving the green light for a new baby. These examples give birth to different levels of resentment, but they all pave a way for insubordination. 

Some wives' insubordination is rooted on their failed expectations of their husbands. We expected him to be stronger emotionally, physically, and spiritually. We expected him to be able to support the family financially on his own. We expected him to have perfect decision making skills, strong leadership, and a desire to spend his free time with the family. We expected him to be able to understand us. 

Men usually have the same complaint about their wives: They wish they were accepted and not feeling their wives want to change them. 

My insubordination has been rooted in me resenting him for our financial situation. As a couple we decided that I would work so that he could focus on graduating as soon as possible. Since he is studying an engineering career, working and studying would have taken forever to finish. We did that our first year of marriage and it was complete disaster. We worked non-stop and had very little time to ourselves or to rest. It took a toll on my health and my sanity. We decided I made enough money for our modest living so he could finish his career. Even with him just studying, we would go to bed late with his drawing assignments, calcutation assignments, or those all-nighters engineering careers are famous for. I never resented him for him not working because we lived comfortably and had more time to ourselves. I never felt I worked more than him. I always felt we both did our part equally. 

With two babies, though, things have changed. From our expenses to our living necesities, everything went to the roof, and I just couldn't keep the boat afloat on my own. He finishes his career next Moday. Completely finish. All he has to do is wait for him to defend his professional practice and graduate. 

He has been looking for a job. I don't know why my brain has interpret this as "not wanting to work."

"Of course he wants to work! He is up before you are bathed and clothed and packing YOUR meal. He is out all day giving out curriculums, sending emails, and visiting friends that might have a job lead. If he is not doing that, he is running errands, fixing the car, or caring for the baby that was sick this week and on time to pick you up from work" I had to tell my brain. I feel I had to tell my brain mainly because a lot of voices, unsolicited voices, have been weighing in on our financial situation. 

I promised "In riches and in need, in sickness and health" when I married him. I have always thought it is a blessing that we've struggled in the beginning of our marriage. Most people decide to get married when all their affairs are in place and they are in a stable place. This stability is not a promise of future stability. When that instability comes in the future, a lot of couples who have never experienced it and didn't know what "need" looked like do not make it through the rough patch. I, on the other hand, have been given the blessing and opportunity to honor my husband and look up to him and make him feel admired and honored, in tough times. 

I love to examine myself. It is the Christian practice rather than the more common practice of examining others. I have to redirect my thought to what God wants from me, to the appreiciation of all that my husband does, and to the beauty that will result from this tough time to keep my sinful, despicably human heart from unfairly resenting my husband and to falling into the horrible sin of insubordination this has brought forth as a result. 

Ladies, sometimes you might think you are in the right challenging your husbands' authority. You might even have a long list that "justifies" your challenging his authority or not submitting to him or resenting his ways. Maybe you need to examine your own hearts and not your husband's. God has so much truth for us there, under the light of His Word and the joy of communion with Him and a humble heart. 

We don't like to hear that if our husband is wrong we must keep submitting, and quietly nonetheless. 

In my case, I have believed in the Lord that He is our Jehova Yireh, the Lord provides. And my husband is doing what he can and even makes sure I get all the extra sleep I can at nights because 

I have to go to work. I have been sinning by not being submissive and by resenting him. Now that the Lord has lifted the veil of my sinful ways, I am making sure I make him feel appreciated, admired, and loved; and since I am aiming at making him feel that way, I am being submissive to him. I am learning submission has more to it than just obeying what he says and doing it with a quiet, gentle attitude, which is hard to do on its own, and I want to learn all that God has for me in this area. 

A Lesson on Discontentment

From time to time, especially when that time has been hard time, our hearts tend to indulge in discontentment. This blog is filed with my constant sermon that "Gratefulness is the key to happiness." I have never once doubted this and continue to preach it. Yet it seems that this feeble, sinful human heart of mine cannot remain grateful forever. It falls into the traps of discontentment. I try to spark gratefulness back into my heart with a dose of "List all the things you are grateful for." And thus you have seen my Thank You lists. I wish I did them more often because they do keep the heart healthy, but they have been unable to get my heart from the foul mood of discontentment. 

I turn towards prayer for a change of heart. If I am sincere and I am truly seeking the Lord, He has never failed to change my heart. I have discovered that He has given me a second weapon, besides gratefulness, to fight discontentment. This weapon is perspective.

When I am trying to cheer someone in my family or my group of friends, I try to give them some perspective. Phrases like "It could be worse. Thank the Lord you have your health. Think of people who have lost more and are going on with their lives" roll easily out of our mouths. They are effective and we even employ them on ourselves from time to time. "Yes, you are not happy with your postpartum belly right now, but you could have that (insert name)'s belly. And she is not even a mom!" Eventhough this seems as shallow as it can get, discontentment has trapped me by my feeling towards my own body. And no, comparing myself to the girl I use as "feel good" escape doesn't help because a girl with a size I would rather have -or worst yet, had- is around the corner. And I could write a full post on self-worth, how unavailing and fruitless comparisons are, and proper body image, but it is not the point of this post.

Perspective helps. It makes you realize there are more things to be grateful for than you had originally thought of. Perspective has to go hand in hand with gratitude to fight discontent. I remember the pain I felt after surgery and how we took something as quotidian as sitting down for granted. Perspective makes you realize that if you lost that which you take for granted your life wouldn't quite be the same and your gratitude for it increases. So I guess perspective is not a second weapon for discontentment after all, but a fuel for gratefulness. Yet perspective sometimes misses the mark to fuel gratitude enough to leave the room of discontentment. 

Sometimes to fight discontentment you must find the root of it and analyze why is the discontentment beating your gratitude. My discontentment with my body is not strong enough to bring my joy of motherhood down or discourage me from more children. Not even sleepless nights have that strength. The gratitude I feel for the lives of my daughters far surpasses any discontentment with my body. This is not the case for all women. Some will go to great lengths for the perfect body, even avoiding or despising motherhood. The discontentment a less than perfect body would bring them would be soul wrecking. For me, the discontentment I have had a hard time fighting has to do with my living situation and my fanancial situation. Not even living with my in-laws I am able to be debt free. I tried perspective to heal my heart a little. "You at least have a roof over your head and a warm bed. Your in-laws are amiable, agreeable, and a great christian example for your marriage and your daughters. You get extra hands when help is needed." All true but all easily forgotten on hard times. My marriage is a young marriage; as much as I want to honor the Lord and my husband, I am not submissive. I am a young mother and as much as I don't want to make the mistakes my parents made or my student's parents make, I have a brand new list of mistakes of my own I make. I am very hard on myself for my mistakes, but they are not easier to handle with my in-laws present. It crushes me. My shortcomings have become my personal torturers sucking the joy of what I love the most. I can't escape my shortcomings, but I can escape my audience. Though perspective made me glad I have a place to live, I easily forgot its benefits when placed beside my feelings of being judged and scrutinize in the house I live. Let me, then, apply some analysing to the root of my discontentment. 

My discontentment is rooted on unfulfilled desires. I desire the freedom of making mistakes in the confines and privacy of my own house. I desire my own space, cooking my own meals, decoratings however I want, having as much order or disorder as I want. I desire leaving a dish dirty on the sink if I don't want to wash it right away without feeling bad about it. I desire a separate room for my daughters for them to learn to sleep through the night without waking each other. I desire letting my daughters play their silly children songs on the living room TV without worrying if they are disturbing anyone. 

Perspective will not change your desires. No amount of "at least you have this or at least you don't have that" will change what you desire. If your burning desire is to have a perfect body no amount of "At least your kids are healthy" or "At least you got to be a mom" would help. If your burning desire is to be rich, no amount of "at least you have a family" would appease you. How can you battle the discontentment from unfullfilled desires? 

The answer is quite simple, as most answers are; the execution of the answer, on the other hand, is most likely complicated. Change your desires! Stop seeking what you want. Stop and ask God what He wants from you. He is not passing me through the fire in vain. And if I apply a little perspective (and seriously, I don't need much) I am not going through a "fire." It has felt like a tried time because things have avalanched and money never accrues. If taken apart, my trials don't seem insurmountable; but all together at once have felt like passing through the fire. God is not trying me in vain. I have shared this verse here countless times and I share it once again:

James 1:2-4

2 Consider it pure joy, my brothers, whenever you face trials of many kinds, 3 because you know that the testing of your faith develops perseverance. 4 Perseverance must finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything.

I am always meditating on the "consider it pure joy" portion without much meditation on why. I always take a "Feel joyful when you are tried" approach because we must "Rejoice always" (1Thessalonians 5:14). I never stop to think why I should consider it pure joy and rejoice always. When facing trials, my head (which is really the Spirit within me) reminds me "Consider it pure joy." But when do I stop to think of the result of this trial: the mature, complete, not lacking, and perseverance of my faith?

If I can see that everything the Lord allows in my life is for the purpose of perfecting my faith for the glory of His name, considering it a pure joy wouldn't be a problem. I would desire whatever may come that would perfect my faith for Him. In this I have pondered plenty. I try to keep myself from saying things like "I would never survive losing my husband or a child" lest I tempt the Lord to make my faith persevere. As I mentioned before, if taken apart my trials don't seem like much, and altogether they don't compare to what others go through. So why does discontentment find an opening in my heart? I forget to place my desires in the things that matter, the eternal things. Sleeping through the night, forced to wash dishes right away, cramped tight in one room - how does these nuisances compare to the perfection, perseverance, and maturing of my faith? What if instead of desiring separate rooms I desire having a soft response for my husband always? What if instead of desiring my daughters to sleep through the night, I desire using that time to do some much needed prayers for others? What if instead of desiring my own rules, I desire humility, gratefulness, and lovingkindness with the large family I share a roof with? What if instead of desiring not to feel judged I desire holiness, setting an example, and being accountable? 

If I change my earthly desires and seek the desire God has for my heart by passing me through this fire, I find contentment, purpose, and an even more strengthen gratitude than perspective could have afforded me. 

Dear Father, 

Help me persevere in my faith, with joy through my trials, presenting every petition before you with gratitude, not forgetting the purpose of your calling and the privilege I have to be granted the opportunity to bring glory to Your name. Help me grow as a mother, wife, and daughter and sister in this home I so kindly have been invited to share. Let me cherish it truly and deeply. May I genuinely love them as my own as they have me. Never stop changing me to You image. Amen.

Dear Kaylee 5 months/ Dear Emmalee 20 months

Dear Kaylee,

Last week you turned 5 months old. I have your 4 and 5 month old photoshoots but I had not come around to sharing them. You have grown so beautiful. It makes me sad I do not get to spend my whole day with you anymore. You already grew accustomed to your bottle and are having a hard time breastfeeding. I miss the closeness of breastfeeding you around the clock and getting to caress your head and hair. My little girl, I miss you every second I am away. When you were in the whomb, I worried of how great my love would be for you. I didn't know I could so much! I love you so deeply. When you fall asleep in my arms and I pass you to your crib, I always stare at you with wonder and give God thanks for your life and ask Him to protect you always. You have been struggling with a cough that made mommy's heart break when I would see you in any sort of pain. I am so happy you are doing better. I can't wait to get home and spend it with you and try to coax you into relinquishing the bottle for the breast so that we may be close. I have been trying to play more with you. You are not like your older sister who liked more daring games. You do love to play with your feet. You are so dextereous rolling over and trying to crawl. I am so proud of you. Just like your sister did at your age, you have become more silent these couple of weeks, though you were much more talkative then she was at 3 months. I think it has to do with the fact that you have been sick from your throat. I hope soon I can hear your "ooh's" and "gu's" again. Just yesterday you were feeling more chatty. Your dad has been spending more time with you as well and trying to get you to laugh. No one makes you laugh like your daddy. You have almost mastered sitting without support or help. Your eyes are still as mesmerizing as they were when you were born. I can lose myself in those curly eyelashes and deep eyes that we still do not know if they are blue, grey, or green. Your grandma Martha wants me to cut your hair. It is a little out of control. You have bunch of hair on the front and on the top, but are going bald on the back. Do  not feel bad, my darling, almost all kids go through this stage. You are still beautiful to no compare. I love to see you interact with your sister. You love to watch her play and if she is there, you won't even turn to look at us. You do not like it much, though, when she hugs you or touches you. She can be heavy or rough, but she means well. She is always excited to get to interact with you, always ready to hug you when you are at arms reach. Baby, I know you have heard that we were not planning on having you so soon, but this just comes to show how God always knows best. You were in His plans and I thank Him it was so because we could not be happier to have you. I melt when I pick you up to change your diaper and you give me a huge smile. You only do me that mercy because you scream and cry when daddy changes you. I hope that changes soon because daddy feels rejected. It's ok, I know you don't mean to make him feel that way. Your sister did it to me yesterday, lol. I was praying for you yesterday that God might protect you and make you grow strong and healthy. I wish you got to see your grandma Linda more but I am so grateful to you for granting her smiles when you two skype. I love you, my gift from heaven. I can't put into words the joy and warmth that fills my heart just to think of you. I pray nothing ever hurts you, though I know that will not be the case. So I pray I might teach you well and teach you of Him so when the pain comes you know what to do and that you are not alone. 

Thank you for being my baby girl and coming to my life. 

Love, mom

Dear Emmalee,

My sweet girl you are 20 months old. Your second birthday is just around the corner and mommy is already planning and working on it. Your birthday and your sister's birthday are truly the happiest day of the year for me. I was so blessed those days when I got to see your eyes for the first time. You have grown so much. You talk better than many two year olds and you are so energetic. You are a little prone to accidents. I think this is because you are too brave and you are definitely not a cry baby. Last week was tough on the both of us, but I think mommy had an even rougher time. You injured your front tooth, which thankfully was not hurt and will not be lost, and you lost a finger nail. You were so brave on both emergencies. You barely even cried, even after a local anesthesia shot. How brave! I am so happy because we got to spend so much time together these past months. During my prenatal with Kaylee it was just the two of us home all day long! And then while mommy looked for a new job, we spend more time together. Your recent interests are dancing and singing. When you do either, mom and dad just can't help laughing out loud. You are so hilarious and cute. Your vocabulary is quite extensive, even fooling people of your age. You pick on words and phrases quickly. You are joy to be around as you have always been. Your beautiful brown eyes and long lushious hair style leave me mesmerized at your beauty. I was burdened to see you get hurt so often this month, I didn't even want to celebrate my birthday. Then I realized I had you and your sister to be grateful for and that made my birthday best day ever. I even took these pictures of you that day when my joy came back when my grattitude returned. Girl, you are the best. Never stop dancing, never stop singing, never stop smiling. Don't let anyone tell you the things you do with innocence and purity of heart are evil just because they think they are. As long as you are able to stand in the light of God with a pure heart, keep singing and dancing. Have as much fun as you can, because fun is joy abounding, not engaging in sin. And there is lot of fun in your walk with God. I wouldn't change a thing about my life and my walking with God. It led me to having you and God could not have blessed me more than making me your and your sister's mommy. I love your quirks, I love your kisses and lalalos (hugs). Your father has nicknamed you lalalo since that and pepe (milk bottle) are your main words. "Lalalo, lalalo." You always want to be picked up and you give a hug when someone obliges. You love your pink converse shoes your grandparents got you. You pull on your foot and say "papato" to let us know you dropped your shoe. You refuse to say pelota (ball) and continue to spout your "tututa" which some people sometimes misinterpret. I don't care. I am not teaching you so that you can please people and their expectations. Please God and He knows you love to play with your tuta! I pray God keeps you healthy and growing. You are always on my mind and always on the stories I tell. 

Thank you for being my firstborn.

Love, mom

Kaylee 4 momths

Kaylee 5 months

Emmalee 19 months

Emmalee 20 months

Back to the foundations

This week I've been meditating in this verse:

Luke 16:10

10 “If you are faithful in little things, you will be faithful in large ones. But if you are dishonest in little things, you won’t be honest with greater responsibilities.

In my youth I interpreted this as: Be faithful in little things in church and you will be put over more responsibilities in church, and the pastors will consider you for missions, projects, and what not. Both of these came true and I spent my teenage years almost entirely in church serving. Time came to show me that there were many people in church faithful to their church responsibilities and placed over more; however, a lot of these men and women are no longer in church or serving Christ. I slowly started to retreat from my church responsibilities and brought them to a minimum of serving in the young professional's band and attending my Bible group and church meeting. The reason, I told myself, was that I had more responsibilities now that I had my own home and also my health was an issue. I am pretty sure I could do more if my heart was into it. I have found my heart unwilling and prayed to the Lord to change it. 

I have pondered over the reasons why those faithful brothers and sisters with whom I served during my youth were no longer walking the narrow road. And I have been meditating on what will become of me.

I want to be a faithful child to my loving Father. I do. That has never changed. But I am finding myself unfaithful in little things. I want to be trusted to be faithful with large things.

The big problem I am facing is that eventhough I have been unfaithful in the little things, I have been trusted with big responsibilities. I am a wife and a mom. Soon, I will be a teacher. These are great responsibilities I do not take lightly. 

So what are these small things I am being unfaithful in?

Well, I've found that these reasons I am about to name are the reasons I believe those faithful people in their church responsibilities also missed and caused them to drift. You see, the church is plagued with faithful attendees willing to serve in various ministries and going to every church activity. This was me for many, many years. I have meditated that the reason I do not want to do more in church is because I am not qualified to do so. I do not want to be something in church I am not first in private. I do not want to be something in church I am not everywhere else. And I can not take more responsibilites in church if I not faithful in my home, my family, and my work.

The little things:

1. Reading my Bible everyday. 

I was adamant in my teenage years about reading my Bible daily. I would even write "Nothing, shame on you" in my devotional the days I didn't read. I would even wake up the next day and sumarize the things that went wrong that day that would have gone different if my heart had spent time in the presence of the Word. It was my bread and water. This is probably the reason I am still in church and I haven't drifted to the broad road. But my young days in the Bible won't sustain me forever, certainly not as my responsabilities grow in adulthood. I am not spending enough time in the Bible. I justify this with my busy days, but my heart knows it is just excuses. My heart is growing harder each day I am away from His Word. It is the Holy Spirit in me starving from its food and life. I do not want to silence the Holy Spirit but I am not listening to His Word. I have nothing in which to stand against the enemy and his attacks to my life but the Word I learned in my youth that I am not studying and meditating in once more. And how am I going to teach the Word to my daughters and to my students? 

2. Praying. 

When people say "I'll pray for that" they probably do and they utter a small prayer for you just then and never again. I know I do. In my youth, I even kept a prayer dairy where I wrote the things I needed to pray for myself, for my family, for my friends. Everyone had its own paragraph and I would use my prayer diary twice a week. I delighted on spending a whole night in prayer and felt rested the next day. Nowadays, I have a hard time spending minutes in prayer and when I am feeling scared and lost, I ask my husband to pray for me and find it hard to pray myself. I come to the verse in John 3:20: Everyone who does evil hates the light, and will not come into the light for fear that their deeds will be exposed. Maybe my time apart from the Word makes me too ashamed to come before the light I've been ignoring. I usually just come praying to give thanks and pray for others, especially my pregnant friends.

3. Seeking advice.

This one I am not doing so bad as I am a forever seeker to diminish my pride, especially my self-righteousness. I try never to make decisions without consulting my husband and my mom and anyone i consider knowledgeable to the specific situation. But I want to do more. I want to be open to advice on how to be a better wife, mom, friend, teacher, child of God. I want to seek discipleship more aggresively and grow in humility and holiness. I want more of myself for God. 

4. Discipling

Do not even know if that is a word but I want to start doing this. Now, I cannot disciple if I myself am not a disciple, so the points above are really important. And this is really important to be able to be faithful with the large responsibilities God has given, like being a mom and a teacher. I'm looking forward to be able to connect with my students in a way I wasn't allowed to in my previous job. Discipling my kids is my main ministry along with serving my husband from here on. 

5. No bad words.

Nothing taints my testimony faster and harsher than it should than when a bad eords comrs out of my mouth, and I am sorry to say it happens more often than not and not even to insult or in anger but in a casual way which I don't know if it makes it worse. This is not unharmful and I have to stop belittling its consequences.

q

There are probably many other things I need to grow in faithfulness, but I am going to the little things to move to the greater or more. And this faithfulness before the Lord not men. The greater things come from Him and He is calling us to be good faithful servants. I do not want to continue fail Him, in any little thing. I am not going to shame myself again in my devotionals. I am going to shame myself as a mother, wife, and teacher if I don't. 

Dear Father,

Thank You because You renew your mercies everyday. If this was not so I would have already been smitten under your rightful wrath. But You are loving to this undeserving child of Yours. Let me not forget to tremble. Let me not forget how much has been forgiven and that which is yet to be forgiven. Thank You for giving this unfaithful servant big responsabilities and trusting me a wonderful family and household. Thank You Lord inmensely for the teaching opportunity I have been given. I am greatly grateful for my job. Thank you for re-igniting my passion for teaching and the opportunity to minister to my students once more. There is nothing better than to be Your hands and feet and this undeserving servant appreciates the chance You give her to go forth for You. Let me once more be an influence in Your church as long as it is Your words I share and live. Do not let me be there for the moment or the movement or the people, but for You and by You. Let me not walk to the broad road and move those who have to walk the narrow. It is narrow for a reason and walked by a few brave men and women that have been blessed to know and love You. Let me seek You in Your Word, through prayer, through mutual discipleship, and with an edifying tongue. May I be faithful through You Who strengthen me. In Your holy name I pray, amen.

Supernatural reactions

I wake up to cries everyday. Either from my 19 month old or my 3 month old or both baby girls. I am not going to lie, I sometimes linger on my bed hopong they'll go back to sleep and I will get a little more shut-eye time. Sometimes it happens, but more often I have to stand up and tend to them. It's ok, the initial dislike of having to get out of bed rapidly leaves as it is replaced with a child that goes from a cry to an instant smile the moment they see your face.

Do you know what that is like? To have someone immediately feel better and in the mood to smile just by looking at you? And in your just-woken-up morning look?

I feel as though I have a ton of stuff to do and little time to do it and I'm unemployed!

A practical control-freak, I like to get things done in one sitting and as quickly and efficiently as possible. Add a baby that wants only mommy's arms and only mommy can feed her, and that gets a little harder to do. I am learning to love, though, how breastfeeding puts a stop on my day many times during the day. I have to sit down and simply wait. I cannot rush my baby or do anything other than breastfeed. It is not an easy feat for me to do. But it must be done and I must, for those minutes, slow down and stop whatever I am doing.

So many changes in my life right now have me in the brink of desperation. Again, I am not going to sugarcoat how hard a time I've been experiencing, 

Apart from having two baby girls who are fair sleepers but still wake us up during the night, I have been experiencing sharp pain on my legs that, I don't understand why, tends to worsen while I'm laying down. It amuses me, rather than disturb me, when both girls wake up and me and the hubs are at opposite sides of the bed both with one child on our arms rocking them to sleep. We give each other a glance as if saying "How did we get here" and sigh in relief when we are finally able to go back to bed. Sometimes the relief is shortlived and one of the girls, and thankfully usually not both, needs a second rocking back go sleep. We take turns. 

We never thought we would have two babies so close together, and now, all four of us live in the a single room.

I lost my job on June. I had been fearing the school would fire me because I got pregnant just when I started working there. i felt a little better when in December both the school's superintendent and the highschool principal sat with me and gave me a promise I was not losing my job, that they liked my work, and would be renewing my contract. I breathed a little easier afterwards, but I never fully took their word. I suspected so much their intent of firing me that I began a home business during my postnatal in March. I started baking cupcakes, cakes, and cake pops to make a living on the side. I've never considered myself skillfull enough for a business of my own but need is stronger than beliefs, specially when you have two babies. 

But we had to make a decision on our financial situation quick and we decided to move in with my in laws, thus the four of us now share a room where before we had our own full house. 

I don't know how we did it and even my mother-in-law praised my organization skills but in this one single room we managed to put both cribs, both side tables of emmalee's room, our bed, both our side tables, the girl's changing station/dresser that contains all their clothes, our dresser, a plastic dresser that goes inside the closet, all out clothes in a single small closet including our bedding, the tv and tv station, the girl's rocking horse, and my rocking chair, And we still have two-meter square area for the girls to play. In my in-laws laundry room we put our fridge and a pantry for my baking supplies. 

It is definitely a change and a tough adjustment, however I am grateful for the extra arms in the house to help with the girls when I am baking. 

The Lord has shown provision. We have a roof over our heads, electricity, running hot water, even a ceiling fan in the room to help with the heat, food and each other. That is more than a lot have. 

As humans, we want God's provision in the form of the lifestyle we desire, A discontent heart would say God did not provide because I lost the house and was forced to downsize. I have to say, downsizing was my favorite part in all of this. No joke. The more you have, the more you need, and I for one don't need things dragging me down.

At first we didn't have hot water, cable or internet in the room, and the toilet seat was broken. It is hard when you get use to these things and not have them. We do now and I am grateful for it, but I would have loved to learn to live without these as well, except for the hot water. Girl needs her hot water!

It's a difficul living situation for me because you are placing imperfect humans to live with other imperfect humans who clash, argue, and not always see eye to eye. With me being the only one not related in the house, eventhough they say I am like one of their own, I feel an intruder and invader.

God's provision has been shown in how many cakes I've been ordered, eventhough I have zero sales and publicity skills. Seriously, selling something is one the most frightful things you can make me do. To me it's torture! I really envy those who have it naturally. I wish could just worry on baking and not have to deal with the negotiation part of the business. It is harder on me than you think.

I thought the money I got when I got fired would be enough to carry me til August, but it was barely enough for July. I had to buy cheap diapers and Kaylee had a bad reaction to them and now has a huge red rash and her bottom that has been more expensive to treat than her box of normal diapers! And I had to buy her normal diapers too. The saying "cheap comes with a price" is no joke.

All of these things have been pushing me out of my comfort zone.

I was tempted to fall into depression so I started analyzing my situation.

Here is my current situation: I am a stay at home mom with a home business. Now I wish that were enough to provide for my family, but it is not. I am waiting on a call on a job at another school that thankfully is a christian school, so that makes me happier to go back to work; but, in the meantime, I have been given the chance to stay with my girls, no matter the circumstance, and I am going to throw it away by feeling down?!

When the school called me to tell me they wanted me for the job I ran to Emmalee, picked her up and hugged her and told her "I'll be able to buy your diapers" with tears falling from my eyes.

So, to summarize: sleep depraved, change in living situation, pain during the night, sharing a house, broke, dealing with a home business, waiting on a job call, caring for two babies. 

All of these things have made me have some human reactions: sadness, blame, crankyness, moody (especially with the hubs u_u), discontent. You could say my reaction is justifiable to all I've been going through.

I was talking to my very dear friend Tito the other day, He has justifiable reasons to be angry at a person. No one would blame him if he were. Yet not only is he not angry at this person, he refuses to speak ill of the person and even refuse to think ill in his mind either. When I commended him for his example, he said "Only God can give you supernatural reactions." 

Supernatural reactions. The term has been stuck in my head ever since. My reactions are the human natural response. Is that what I want for myself? Tito has the human "right" to be upset, yet he doesn't want any human rights. He wants holiness. He wants to be like Christ and that longing and closeness to God has brought forth supernatural reactions to human situations.

I want that!

It is not going to come naturally or I would already have them just by wishing it. And this is the reason for my trials and the Lord's encouragement of "Consider it pure joy when faced with many trials" (James 1). God is bringing forth holiness in my life. Holy means separated for. I want to be separated for God. Separated from the natural to bring forth the supernatural, which is simply the work of God in your life. It may never come from me and that is why all the glory is to Him. I want my life to glorify Him. My girls and my husband are my ministry from God and it is in that relationship and walk as a mother and wife that I will glorify God with my life. But what example am I for my girls if struggle brings depression and discontent into their mother's heart? 

And so, I fill my cup today with gratitude, joy, and smiles. I chose peace and trust over fear and worries. I choose to feel closer to God safe under His wings than feeling alone and deserted.

I choose supernatural reactions only God can give me. God help me and teach me.

Mother of two!

Here comes another round of "it's true what they say."

It is true that is harder to have more than one child, especially when they are so close together in age as mine. The first time I had to take care of both girls alone I felt proud of myself for not crying. When you have two babies crying simultaneously both needing something right away and you have to chose which one to leave crying and make her wait, you feel your heart break a little, the first time, The second time you just understand your limitations and hope your daughters won't resent the waiting while wailing. Once you get over or used to the crying, you carry on and things actually run smoothly.

It is true it is very tiring. The first three weeks I was sleep deprived I was a walking, seriously cranky zombie. I am very grateful for my husband and for not leaving me after those weeks. Honestly, for a moment there I wondered if we would make it. I felt awful for snapping at him for anything. But, a day came when Kaylee allowed me to sleep three hours continuously and I became human again. With the first child they tell you "Sleep when the baby sleeps." Well, that was not possible with another baby full awake. But somehow I feel more energetic than I have in a long time. I feel so much energy that I am serving at church again, being faithful to attend group and church, caring for the house, caring for both girls, and I even feel less ache in my body than i have in the past years. My back and neck hurt from sleeping with Kaylee in my arms until she finally lets me pass her to her crib but it is not keeping me from my daily activities and I am doing it joyfully. It is like the Lord has fully charged my battery. Today that I had to go back to work Kaylee even let me sleep 5 hours straight!

It is true that it is easier the second time around. I am so glad breastfeeding has been easier. I think it is a matter of feeling more confident of what I do that makes the difference. I sometimes wonder if Kaylee is not suffering from my overconfidence. It also amuses me how much a newborn care my husband completely forgot. He doesn't even remember what we went through with Emmalee. I even try things with Kaylee I would have been to scared to do with Emmalee. I hope and pray that this time around I can breastfeed longer.

It is true it is more expensive. So far we have only felt the expenses go up on diapers. Kaylee is exclusively breastfeeding so there is no extra charge there. However, the pediatrician, vaccines, medicines, clothing, etc will eventually start to blow out our budget. That is why we started a home based business making cakes, cupcakes, cake pops for parties. I hope the business takes off so that I can continue with it when I am finally steady to quit my day job. Speaking if day jobs, I don't even know if I'll still have one next school year, so I hope the home business really, really takes off. It would be so happy to be able to work from home and stay with my daughters. Today is my first day away from Kaylee and it is killing me. It did not get easier to be separated from her, even if it is the second time.

It is true that you love them just as much as the first. I love Emmalee with such strength and intensity that I was worried I couldn't love that strongly anyone else, but a mother's heart can sure expand to fit more love in it. I think of how much I love Kaylee and my heart fills and my eyes tear up. I sink my nose into her chamomile scented hair, stare deep into those hypnotic grey eyes, and just lose myself with joy. She gave me her first smiles this week and made my knees weak. When she cries because of cholic I feel my heart break to know she is in pain. I will hold her all night gladly with no cares for my rest and tiredness. I wake up to her cries and thank God for her life and ask Him to keep waking me up to a breathing, healthy baby, I don't mind. 

My life revolves around my daughters. Everything I do is done in a rush: bathe, eat, rest, go to the bathroom, use the computer, think, breathe! Time for myself? Time with friends? Time to do what I like? It doesn't exist right now. I surely need to make time with the hubs! If you want to live for yourself parenthood is not for you, unless you can afford a nanny and are not concerned with raising your kids right. Yesterday I was laying in my bed with Kaylee in one arm and Emmalee in the other one and Rodol sleeping next to me and I thoguht to myself "I have my whole world and everything I need in this bed." I can't fathom how that is not enough for some people. How some mothers desire to be out making a career than the torture of staying home. What I would give! I am counting the seconds to be back home.

Mother of two... I like the sound of that. I want more, but I'll have to wait. In the mean time, I am somehow capable of carrying both of the girls and grabbing things or opening doors; it is like I became an octupus and have extra arms or something. Well, the hubs makes fun if how deft I am grabbing things from the floor with my feet so maybe I am more a monkey. The days are challenging but filled with reward. I feel so blessed to have been able to spend so much time at home and daydream of the day I'll be able to stay fulltime. 

Thank You, Lord, for the days you have given me. Thank You, for You make them more than I could have ever dreamed of.